BARE-ASSED & HALF-BAKED IDEAS: HOW TO WIN THE LOTTERY – GUARANTEED!
I have a lot of bare-assed and half-baked ideas, but of all of them, my source of my fondest daydreams is my bare-assed and half-baked idea for winning the lottery. G-U-A-R-A-N-T-E-E-D!
Rest assured – Stark After Dark does not resort to cheap scams or schemes, offering illusory promises like some internet pop-up, Nigerian email or Ponzi scheme. This is the real deal – if you act on it, you WILL win the lottery. It’s simple mathematics.
And now, as a special event, I am sharing this secret with you.
Now at this point, you might reasonably ask why is this appearing in some random blog, rather than, say, mile-high letters projected by lasers on to the moon bought by my lottery-won billions. (And yes, that is deliberately phrased ambiguously, as to whether it is the lasers OR the moon that is bought by my billions). Well, we’ll get to that.
As I said, it’s simple mathematics – combined with some of my most bare-assed and half-baked ideas yet.
According to Wikipedia, as of 4 October 2015, you have a 1 in 291,201,388 chance of winning the jackpot in Powerball in the United States. Now, I conservatively estimate those to be equivalent to my odds of being struck between the eyes by a meteorite – although I would also point out to all those mathematical cynics who denounce the folly of buying lottery tickets, that this is appreciably more than my odds of obtaining such an amount by, you know, working for it like a chump, which I conservatively estimate to be zero.
However – and this is the beauty of having bare-assed and half-baked ideas like mine – whereas others see only daunting odds, I see a dazzling opportunity.
You see, a 1 in 291,201,388 chance means there are a total of 291,201,388 possible combinations of numbers that can be drawn, of which one is the winner. So…all you have to do to win the lottery – and by now I suspect you can see where I’m going with this – is enter all 291,201,388 possible combinations, and one of them WILL win!
Indeed, you’ll do even better than that, because you’ll also scoop every other lesser prize below the jackpot as well.
So far, so good? Now, also according to Wikipedia, each Powerball play costs $2. So…accordingly, the cost of those 291,201,388 entries will be only $582,402,766. On the other hand, according to Wikipedia, the largest jackpot so far was $1.586 BILLION on 13 January 2016! So…that’s a net $1 BILLION profit! And if you don’t have a spare $582,402,766 just lying around the house like Scrooge McDuck, it’s too easy – all you have to do is wait for the jackpot to accumulate to a billion or so and just pop in to your friendly bank manager, borrow that $582,402,766 and pay it back with your jackpot winnings. As I said, too easy!
Of course, while you’re waiting for that billion dollar jackpot to roll around (or your loan to be approved), you can use the time to actually fill in all those 291,201,388 entries. For ease of calculation, let’s say that you can pump out an entry a second, that will only take you…9 or so years, working around the clock. Hmm, after you’ve finished scraping your bank manager off the floor after his or her heart attack, better ask for a bigger loan so you can hire people to fill out entries for you – or better yet, have machines or robots do it for you. (And while you’re at it, you should probably get a computer to generate all those possible combinations for you to use in your entries). I mean, there are automated assembly lines that pump out cars and things – how hard can it be to reconfigure one of them to fill in lottery tickets? One might think that if you have those sorts of talents or resources, you might actually make that kind of money by producing something, but where’s the fun in that? Hopefully also your employees or lottery factory won’t miss the winning number through human or machine error, but what are the odds of that? Anyway, you’re beating the odds by the sheer mathematical attrition of plowing through all of them!
That also assumes the jackpot isn’t split with other people who win it through sheer dumb luck (bastards!). After all, that historic $1.586 billion jackpot was split between THREE Powerball tickets or $528.8 million each. So…net loss? Not to mention – better avoid doing it in a state that TAXES lottery winnings (bastards!!), although there are still federal withholdings. And what’s this – that jackpot is an ANNUITY?! You mean, you don’t get the cash up front? So each winner of that historic jackpot got a cash option of only $187.2 million after federal withholdings?
Sigh – looks my favorite bare-assed and half-baked idea is still my dream of living in a house lit by lava lamps