Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (5)

Dovahhatty – Unbiased HIstory of Rome XVI: Constantine the Great

 

(5) BEST: CONSTANTINE –

CONSTANTINIAN DYNASTY

(306 – 337 AD: 30 YEARS 9 MONTHS 27 DAYS)

 

“In this sign thou shalt conquer”.

Diocletian may have created the Dominate but Constantine…dominated it (heh).

It’s hard to go past Dovahhatty’s summation of Constantine’s greatness –

“Having ruled as Rome’s emperor for over three decades, he displayed wisdom and virtue, was never defeated in battle, defended the empire against barbarians countless times, reunited Rome after a terrible civil war, transformed Christianity into a Roman, civilizing faith, and gave the empire a new capital that would last for over a thousand years. And it is for these reasons, and a thousand reasons more, that history will forever remember him, as Constantine the Great.”

Although, as we’ve seen, that title of the Great was used by Roman chroniclers to signify the first of his name (as emperor) rather than greatness, in the case of Constantine the greatness also applies.

In the eastern Roman empire, “it became a great honor for an emperor to be hailed as a new Constantine; ten emperors carried the name”, including the last ever Roman emperor, Constantine XI.

That carried over in the west as well. The Holy Roman Empire “reckoned Constantine among the venerable figures of its tradition” and Charlemagne “used monumental Constantinian forms in his court to suggest that he was Constantine’s successor and equal”. Charlemagne was one of many monarchs or royal dynasties that claimed descent from Constantine – Geoffrey of Monmouth even claimed it for King Arthur. (Weirdly, Monmouth also had Caracalla as a king of Britain).

“The age of Constantine marked a distinct epoch in the history of the Roman Empire…He built a new imperial residence at the city of Byzantium and renamed it New Rome, later adopting the name Constantinople after himself…It subsequently became the capital of the empire for more than a thousand years, the later Eastern Roman Empire”.

He also proclaimed that the Praetorian Guard, by now a byword in assassinating the emperors they were meant to safeguard, would be ABOLISHED – the subject of the greatest sequence in the entirety of Dovahhatty’s Unbiased History of Rome, even if Constantine didn’t gloriously slaughter them all as depicted.

As for the usual beating back barbarians from the borders, Constantine drove back the Picts in Britain (having succeeded his father as emperor while they were both in Britain), as well as winning campaigns against the Franks and Alemanni on the Rhine, and the Goths and Sarmatians on the Danube. He also reoccupied most of the long-lost province of Dacia (in his campaigns on the Danube) and at the time of his death was planning a campaign against the Sassanids in Persia (to end their raids on the eastern provinces).

However, as Adrian Goldsworthy wryly points out, Constantine spent as much (or more) time fighting other Romans as the Tetrarchy collapsed into chaos and civil war. However, this was as (or more) important for the empire as defeating the barbarians at its borders – as Constantine reunited and restored the empire under one emperor.

It was also during these civil wars that Constantine embraced Christianity for himself and the empire – through the legend of the sign that literally came to him in a dream, the Chi Ro or Labarum that he then had placed on the shields of his soldiers before winning the famous Battle of the Milvian Bridge against the usurper Maxentius. “By this sign, thou shalt conquer” – and he did!

Constantine didn’t just become the first Christian emperor – he also became a saint, “one of the only saints to be canonised in the Catholic, Eastern Orthodox, Oriental Orthodox & Anglican Churches”. Indeed, he was (and is) hailed as the ‘Thirteenth Apostle’, a pretty impressive feat for someone who had his eldest son Crispus and wife Fausta executed – which remains a black mark against his name.

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GOD TIER)

EMPIRE-MAKER

(Yes – only one emperor was truly the empire maker but Constantine gave it a makeover, enduring for a century in the west and more than a millennium in the east)

 

MAXIMUS:

And how! Germanicus Maximus, Sarmaticus Maximus, Gothicus Maximus, Dacicus Maximus.

 

DEIFIED:

And sainted too, earning the double whammy of deification and canonization.

 

SPECTRUM RANKING COMPARISON:

Similar but Spectrum ranked Constantine higher as third best emperor. By contrast, Daily Roman Updates had Basil II in fifth place in his top five Roman emperors, but I have ranked Roman emperors past 476 AD separately.

 

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (6)

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XIII: The Severan Dynasty

 

(6) WORST: CARACALLA –
SEVERAN DYNASTY
(211 – 217 AD: 6 YEARS 2 MONTHS 4 DAYS)

You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry – the Incredible Hulk of the Roman Empire, not in superhuman strength but in violent temper, smashing his way from one end of the empire to another.

I said I hadn’t finished ragging on the Severan dynasty while discussing Severus Alexander and Elagabalus, so here’s the third entry from that terrible dynasty in my top ten, Lucius Septimus Bassianus – or as he is known to history, Caracalla, his nickname from the cloak he wore while cosplaying as a soldier. What is it with two of the worst Roman emperors being nicknamed for their clothing (and military cosplay clothing at that)…?

Technically he reigned as co-emperor with his father (and founder of the Severan dynasty) Septimus Severus from 198 AD and then with his younger brother Geta as well from 209 AD. His father died in February 211 AD and his brother died in December 211 – the latter with a little help from Caracalla. Or a lot of help, as Caracalla orchestrated Geta’s murder by the Praetorian Guard – worse in the guise that Caracalla had their mother Julia Domna arrange a peace meeting with his brother in her apartments, thus depriving Geta of his bodyguards, and then had him murdered in her arms.

Low blow, bro – although their mother got over it, obviously reconciling herself with the thought that one live imperial son in the hand was better than a dead one in damnation memoria (which Caracalla of course had the Senate decree for Geta). Indeed, she essentially ran Caracalla’s imperial administration for him, as he found it too boring.

What he didn’t find boring was lavishing attention on the military and LARPing as a soldier in the provinces. And by lavishing attention, I mean spending money and debasing the currency to do it. The denarius? Caracalla smash! He instituted another coin for Rome’s currency but debased that too.

That is, when he was taking time off from his purges and massacres, including his infamous purge of Geta’s supporters and his equally infamous massacre of the inhabitants of Alexandria because he was insulted by a play about him in that city.

One seemingly positive achievement was that he did decree all free men (with certain exceptions) as Roman citizens, thereafter puzzling historians as to his motives, although it is usually attributed to extending the tax base.

In fairness, he also did a reasonable job at shoring up the empire against Germanic tribes along the Rhine and Danube. On the other hand, the latter part of his reign was spent entirely away from Rome, starting with an ongoing tour of the provinces, reputed to bankrupt provincial governments with his extravagant expenses. It was this that prompted Edward Gibbon to write that “every province was by turn the scene of his rapine and cruelty”. That’s metaphorical rapine I presume, although you never know with the bad Roman emperors.

He then obsessively began LARPing as Alexander the Great, to the point of starting a war with Persia’s Parthian Empire by a Red Wedding style of massacre (although the accounts vary), which may have indirectly played a part in the rise of the Sassanids that followed as a rod for the empire’s back – and definitely played a part in a knife for his own, as he was assassinated during his war with Parthia.

“Caracalla has had a reputation as being among the worst of Roman emperors, a perception that survives even into modern works…historian David Magie describes Caracalla, in the book Roman Rule in Asia Minor, as brutal and tyrannical and points towards psychopathy as an explanation for his behaviour”.

RATING: 1 STAR*
F-TIER (WORST TIER)
EMPIRE DEBASER

MAXIMUS:

Britannicus Maximus mooching off his father’s campaign but he got Germannicus Maximus on his own

DEIFIED:

Dude should have had a damnatio memoriae but got deified instead. I mean, they’d deify anyone those days.

SPECTRUM RANKING COMPARISON:

Very similar as fifth worst emperor before 395 AD (although that would drop two places to seventh worst emperor if we included his separate rankings from the western Roman empire)

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (6)

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XI: Pax Romana

 

(6) BEST: DOMITIAN –

FLAVIAN DYNASTY

(81 – 96 AD: 15 YEARS 4 DAYS)

 

Domitian in sixth place? Higher than Marcus Aurelius?

Damnatio memoriae Domitian vs deified Marcus Aurelius? And with Domitian the victor?

In short, yes.

I refuse to elaborate. Just kidding – obviously I will (and have to) elaborate my three-fold argument for the virgin Marcus Aurelius vs the chad Domitian. Also just kidding – obviously that’s the chad Domitian vs the slightly less chad Marcus Aurelius.

Firstly, there’s the symmetry of each at either end of Rome’s second century golden age. Modern historians have increasingly seen Domitian’s reign as laying the foundation of the golden age that immediately succeeded him (or at least did via a brief interregnum via Nerva). On the other hand, Rome’s golden age ended after Marcus Aurelius, with his son that immediately succeeded him.

Secondly, I considered that the Flavian dynasty should be represented in the top ten best emperors, particularly given that I rank it as the second best imperial dynasty – which is pretty impressive as it consists of Vespasian and his two sons, Titus and Domitian. Of course, arguably I might have ranked Vespasian in the top ten (and it was a close call but I’ve ranked him as special mention), but Domitian ruled longer, indeed longer than any emperor since Tiberius.

Thirdly and most fundamentally, money trumps philosophy – and Domitian’s reign was distinctive, perhaps even unique, for its economic success, albeit this is contested by historians (which still seems to lean towards a balanced economy for the greater part of his reign). Above all, he successfully revalued the currency, maintaining it through his reign by financial prudence and “rigorous taxation policy”. Spectrum – who similarly ranks Domitian over Marcus Aurelius – asserts that that he “was the only emperor to have actually fixed the problem of inflation, the only one”. I’m not sure that he was as unique in that respect as Spectrum asserts, but at very least it was exceedingly rare and he certainly “maintained the Roman currency at a standard it would never again achieve”.

However, it was more than just the economy that he strengthened, although his economic management might be said to be representative of his prudent management of the empire and its administration as a whole.

“His foreign policy was realistic, rejecting expansionist warfare and negotiating peace” and “the military campaigns undertaken during Domitian’s reign were generally defensive in nature”. His military campaigns might not have been as conclusive or as overwhelmingly victorious as his critics would have preferred – notably against the Dacians, where another entry in this top ten finished the job – but he did leave the empire’s borders more secure, with his “most significant military contribution” as the development of the Limes Germanicus to defend the empire along the Rhine.

And his campaigns were, more or less, successful – extending the conquest of Britain into Scotland under his capable general Agricola, wars against the Germanic tribe of the Chatti (conferring upon himself the victory title of Germanicus Maximus), wars against the Dacians and other tribes across the Danube, and suppressing the revolt of governor Saturnius in Germania.

“Domitian is also credited on the easternmost evidence of Roman military presence, the rock inscription near Boyukdash mountain, in present-day Azerbaijan”. The Roman Empire may also have reached its northernmost and easternmost points during his reign – in Scotland (in the campaign by Agricola) and in Ireland (in a possible expedition, also by Agricola).

Otherwise, he was one of the Roman emperors with the largest architectural footprints in Rome with his extensive reconstruction of the city still damaged from disasters preceding his reign – and even the critical Suetonius observed “the imperial bureaucracy never ran more efficiently than under Domitian” with “historically low corruption”. Persecution of religious minorities such as Jews or Christians was minimal, if any, at least as observed by contemporaries although some was subsequently reputed to him.

So where does the hate for Domitian come from, often expressed in terms of ranking him as one of Rome’s worst and most tyrannical emperors? Why, from the Senate of course, reflecting the mutual antagonism between Domitian and the Senate, hence the latter’s official damnatio memoriae on Domitian after his death (by assassination in a conspiracy by court officials).

Which is just unfair. Claudius purged more senators than Diocletian and the Senate deified him, while he is widely regarded as one of the good emperors (whom I’ll feature in special mentions). And Domitian’s autocratic style of government seems similar to (if not less despotic than) that instituted by Diocletian for the Dominate, but Diocletian is lauded and Domitian is not.

Fortunately, modern historians have revised or reassessed Domitian to his standing as at most a ruthless but efficient autocrat (with ruthlessness and autocracy as common features among Roman emperors) – and an emperor “whose administration provided the foundation for the Principate of the peaceful 2nd century”, with the policies of his immediate successors differing little from his in reality.

(By the way, I guess if I would substitute Justinian for Marcus Aurelius when extending rankings for emperors past 476 AD, I guess I’d substitute Basil II for Domitian).

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

EMPIRE BASER (as opposed to empire debaser).

 

MAXIMUS:

He took the title Germanicus as well as claimed several triumphs

DAMNED

Yeah – one of the few formal damnatio memoriae by Senate decree. Sigh.

SPECTRUM RANKING COMPARISON: Almost the same with Spectrum ranking him in fifth place – and similarly one place above Marcus Aurelius, for similar reasons, perhaps the greatest influence his rankings had on my own.

 

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (7)

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XIII: The Severan Dynasty

 

(7) WORST: ELAGABULUS –

SEVERAN DYNASTY

(218 – 222 AD: 3 YEARS 9 MONTHS 4 DAYS)

 

With great power comes great degeneracy.

Certainly one of the weirdest emperors, Elagabulus is what happens when you let an omnisexual teenager of dubious mental stability loose with absolute imperial power AND his own cult. It’s like Elagabulus read Suetonius’ The Twelve Caesars with its lurid depictions of imperial depravity and said hold my beer.

And so “Elagabalus developed a reputation among his contemporaries for extreme eccentricity, decadence, zealotry and sexual promiscuity” – “his short reign was notorious for sex scandals and religious controversy”.

It does however make for entertaining reading – indeed one of the most entertaining entries in either my top ten worst (or best) emperors. It’s a pity Suetonius wasn’t around to write the tabloid history of Elagabalus.

Elagabalus was his god name – literally. He was born Sextus Varius Avitus Bessianus, a relative (by marriage) of the Severan dynasty – a family connection which his grandmother (and emperor-maker) Julia Maesa boosted further by spreading the rumor that he was the illegitimate son of the emperor Caracalla. His family held hereditary rights to the priesthood of the syncretized Syrian-Greek-Roman sun of the same name (or variants of it) he adopted, having served as high priest from his early youth.

So naturally he brought his god with him to Rome, in the form of his pet rock – again literally, a black conical meteorite from the temple of the god in Emesa, Syria.

The new god of itself was not so weird, since it was readily assimilated to the Roman sun god Sol – the worship of whom had become increasingly prevalent under the Severan dynasty, becoming known as Sol Invictus or the Unconquered Sun (and which would be redeemed by far superior emperors).

What was weird was Elagabalus installing his god as the chief deity of the Roman pantheon and suborning that pantheon to his god – compounded by equivalent of forcing Roman Senators to go to his church and watch him as he danced around the god’s altar, which was hardly conducive to imperial dignity.

Speaking of the Severan dynasty, it’s something of a running theme in my top ten worst Roman emperors, with Elagabalus as the second entry from that dynasty – and I haven’t finished ragging on them yet.

Perhaps the most entertaining part of this emperor’s history are the lurid tales of his sexuality. However, “the question of Elagabalus’s sexual orientation and gender identity is confused” due to the salaciousness of the sources, which includes accounts of him asserting and adorning himself as a female, to the point of reputedly seeking out sex changing surgery. Hence some have asserted or claimed him or her as the transsexual Roman emperor.

I am not sure that one should want to claim Elagabalus as one’s poster boy or girl, but moreover, I am not sure that these accounts are accurate to that extent, smacking as they do of Roman hyperbole to characterize someone of, ah, unmanly conduct – un-Romanly conduct that is. However, I do think that the historical sources are clear enough to say that Elagabalus swung every which way, hence my omnisexual quip.

Which has gone down a treat with historical writers. As per Edward Gibbon – Elagabalus “abandoned himself to the grossest pleasures with ungoverned fury” – and Barthold Georg Niebuhr – “the name Elagabalus is branded in history above all others” because of his “unspeakably disgusting life”.

Even Sir James George Frazer, author of The Golden Bough, got in on the act – “The dainty priest of the Sun [was] the most abandoned reprobate who ever sat upon a throne … It was the intention of this eminently religious but crack-brained despot to supersede the worship of all the gods, not only at Rome but throughout the world”.

A more neutrally stated modern assessment is by Adrian Goldsworthy -“Elagabalus was not a tyrant, but he was an incompetent, probably the least able emperor Rome had ever had.”

Interestingly, some have sought to reclaim his reputation. It’s a running theme throughout my top ten worst emperors that almost every entry – or at least almost every entry of major significance – has some advocate for them, as indeed it is for my top ten best emperors to the converse of people querying their legacy or reputation, arising as it does for figures that lack the comprehensive documentation of their contemporary counterparts.

In particular, modern historian Warwick Ball has picked up the Elagabalus ball (heh) and run with it, describing him as “a tragic enigma lost behind centuries of prejudice” – and one whose religious syncretism was ultimately successful in the long term, “in the sense that his deity would be welcomed by Rome in its Sol Invictus form 50 years later” and “came to influence the monotheist Christian beliefs of Constantine, asserting that this influence remains in Christianity to this day”.

 

RATING: 1 STAR*

F-TIER (WORST TIER)

 

MAXIMUS:

No victory titles as such but he did claim the title of Pontifex Maximus as high priest of his god – and did have something of a regular annual triumph for his god, parading his pet rock about the city.

DEIFIED AND DAMNED:

It was a fine line between the divinity he claimed for his god and that for himself. When marrying a Vestal Virgin – outraging Rome yet again – he claimed the marriage would produce god-like children. And of course after the usual assassination by the Praetorian Guard, the Senate rolled out a damnatio memoriae on him.

EMPIRE DEBAUCHER

No surprise there, surely?

SPECTRUM RANKING COMPARISON: I’m not quite as hard on him as Spectrum, who ranks him as THE worst emperor before 395 AD, possibly the worst of all Roman emperors (although Spectrum seems to hint that he ranks two subsequent emperors as even worse).

Dovahhatty had one of his tongue-in-cheek portrayals of Elagabalus as a chad in drag.

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (7)

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XII: The Five Good Emperors

 

(7) BEST: MARCUS AURELIUS –

NERVA-ANTONINE DYNASTY / FIVE GOOD EMPERORS

(161 – 180 AD: 19 YEARS 10 DAYS)

 

Best known as the Stoic philosopher-emperor and for his Meditations, lending him an aura that sees him as one of the best known Roman emperors in popular culture and public consciousness, as well as one of the best. It’s a rare list of top Roman emperors that does not include him.

And I’m not here to argue otherwise. He was the last of the line nominated as the Five Good Emperors (in what is often styled as the Nerva-Antonine dynasty or perhaps more aptly the Trajanic-Antonine dynasty) , last emperor of Rome’s golden age and victor of the Marcommanic Wars – the most serious incursion into the empire and Italy itself for over two centuries.

The Marcomannic Wars were not the first threat to the empire he had to face – once again the Roman Empire faced the usual tag team of Persians and Germans, fighting the Roman-Parthian War of 161-166 AD with a revitalized Parthian Empire and a rebellious kingdom of Armenia that usually went hand in hand with any conflict with Persia.

The Romans won, with Marcus taking the title Parthicus Maximus – although it was primarily his adoptive brother and co-emperor Lucius Verus and the latter’s generals that had led the campaigns.

However, the Roman-Parthian War also brought something else – the Antonine Plague, originating in Mesopotamia and extending throughout most of the reign of Marcus Aurelius, from 165 AD to 180 AD, estimated to have killed about 10% of the empire’s population but which was particularly destructive to its army.

Ancient chroniclers depicted the impact of the plague on the army as one that saw it “reduced almost to extinction”, which compounded the impact of stripping legions from the Rhine or Danube for the war against Parthia and opened the empire up to the Marcomannic Wars. Marcus Aurelius led the Roman forces against the various invading German tribes through 166 AD to 180 AD, successfully repelling their invasions and restoring the borders of the empire (complicated by the revolt of a major usurper, Avidius Cassius in the eastern empire in 175 AD).

The death of Marcus Aurelius marked the end of Rome’s golden age – or as Roman historian Cassius Dio wrote, the point at which “our history now descends from a kingdom of gold to one of iron and rust”. Most of that was of course Marcus Aurelius’ heir and successor to the empire, his son Commodus – who remains something of a black mark on Marcus Aurelius.

How much blame fairly falls on Marcus Aurelius for his son’s character is another matter, as well as what realistic prospects there were for some alternative succession without civil war, but it was probably best summed up by writer Iain King – that the emperor’s “stoic philosophy – which is about self-restraint, duty, and respect for others – was so abjectly abandoned by the imperial line he anointed on his death”.

(By the way, if I was to add Roman emperors after 476 AD, I’d probably substitute Justinian for Marcus Aurelius, given the parallels of the Justinian Plague and a reign that saw the golden age of the eastern Roman empire only to fall apart shortly after, particularly with a less capable successor).

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

MAXIMUS:

Relatively modest with titles of Armeniacus, Medicus, Germanicus, and Sarmaticus – went all maximus for Parthicus Maximus.

DEIFIED:

Of course – also virtually a stoic saint!

EMPIRE SAVER:

Yes – I’m giving him this one for the Marcomannic Wars

SPECTRUM RANKING COMPARISON:

I rank him just one place lower, as Spectrum ranked him in sixth place.

Mega-City Law – Judge Dredd Case Files 1

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1
Mega-City One 2099-2100
(1977-1978 progs 2-60)

In the beginning was the Law, and the Law was with Dredd, and the Law was Dredd.

This is where we go back to the beginning, the very first episodes of Judge Dredd. For these and indeed all subsequent episodes, I’ll be referring to the collected editions of Judge Dredd in the Complete Case Files. Of course, in this case, I’ll be referring to Volume 1, which collected 2000AD ‘progs’ 2-60, or the year 2099-2100 in Judge Dredd’s storyline. (Remember in Judge Dredd that each year in real time equates to a year in story time, which is something of a rarity in comics).

And while Judge Dredd was the Law from the outset, it took some time for Dredd as well as his setting (Mega-City One) and his story to find their more definitive forms subsequent fans would recognize, with some story elements – particularly the setting of Mega-City One – taking until Volume 3 to do so.

Volume 1, as the first year of publication – reflected the usual concerns for longevity of a series in an anthology comic. However, Judge Dredd proved an enduring hit with fans from the outset, such that his story-line could feature its first extended story arc or ‘mini-epic’, The Robot Wars, from its ninth episode (or ‘prog’ in 2000 AD’s lingo) and finish its inaugural year of publication with its second extended story arc or mini-epic, Luna.

However, despite its exploratory nature, a surprising number of iconic elements were introduced in and endured from the episodes in Volume 1.

For one thing, there’s those two story arcs or mini-epics, The Robot Wars and Luna, which not only had narrative elements recurring in later storylines, but also laid the foundations for the first genuine and archetypal Dredd epics in Volume 2, The Day the Law Died and The Cursed Earth.

For another – there’s major narrative elements such as the Cursed Earth (although not christened as such until the epic of that name) and its mutant population, the Statue of Justice (towering over the Statue of Liberty), the unseen face of Dredd beneath his helmet, Walter the Wobot, the yet unnamed Lawgiver guns the Judges use, the yet unnamed Lawmaster motorbikes the Judges use, Max Normal, Judge Giant, the Department of Justice (with its Hall of Justice and Academy of Law), Rico Dredd, the Undercity, the apes of Mega-City One, American lunar colonies, and the Soviet or Sov Judges.

As well as more minor ones like face-changing machines, the precursor of the invariably disastrous consumer fads that sweep Mega-City One and riot foam (one of my personal favorites).

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
WHITEY (prog 2)

This is where it all began…

The very first episode of Judge Dredd – which was ironically in the second episode or so-called ‘prog’ of 2000 AD, because they couldn’t get their act together sooner.

It’s a solid introduction to Dredd and his world, not dazzling or thrilling perhaps, but solid enough to lay the groundwork for an enduring series. As a necessity for a strip of 5 pages (2000 AD is an anthology comic, typically of 5 stories or so), the plot is pared right down – to the classic storyline of Dredd rooting out criminals or perps from a building. Of course, a pared down plot works to its advantage, particularly for an introductory story. One might note that this was essentially the plot to the 2012 Dredd movie, a primary reason why it captured the essence of the comic much more effectively than the 1995 Judge Dredd movie with its convoluted storyline unsuccessfully trying to insert too many elements from the comic for its own good.

Of course, that plot is ultimately the essence of any Dredd story and indeed his character – apprehending perps. It’s his job after all. The introductory episode also has the essence of the Dredd mythos – a futuristic Dirty Harry in a dystopian satire, although the emphasis in this episode is on the former rather than the latter. Indeed, there are some missteps here – Dredd’s setting is introduced as New York 2099 AD! As corrected by the next story, New York is effectively part of Mega-City One, as it and other cities have been absorbed into the latter as it sprawled along the American eastern seaboard. In this episode, it is not yet clearly post-apocalyptic or even particularly dystopian – “huge star-scrapers soar miles high into the air”, literally overshadowing buildings like the Empire State Building, which have become part of a literal and metaphorical underworld, fallen into ruin and used as hideouts by “vicious criminals”.

The first Judge we see is not THE Judge, Dredd himself, but the short-lived Judge Alvin, in the distinctive uniform (resembling motorcycle leathers) on the equally distinctive motorcycle (not yet named Lawmasters, but recognizably so).

Anyway, the leader of the Empire State Building criminals, ‘Whitey’, kills the patrolling Judge Alvin with his “laser cannon”. Interestingly enough, the Judges themselves don’t use lasers but guns (named Lawgivers of course) and bullets, albeit more advanced guns and bullets (with the latter more as miniature missiles). Whitey scavenges the helmet from the fallen Judge’s uniform, mockingly declaring himself as Judge Whitey – although he and his gang are disappointed that it isn’t THE Judge, Judge Dredd, who is apparently already notorious as the embodiment of the Law and the “toughest of the judges”.

Whitey taunts the Judges – sending the motorcycle with Judge Alvin’s body chained to it and a note “WHO YOU GONNA SEND AGAINST ME NOW PUNKS, JUDGE WHITEY”. Well, we all know the answer to that question. The Chief Judge initially wants the “air squad” to raze the building to the ground, but Judge Dredd suggests that they should send a solitary Judge to apprehend the Empire State Building gang, to reinforce respect for the Law – as later episodes will disclose, this is a recurring thing for Dredd and he does it again and again. Of course, when that one Judge is Judge Dredd, it’s all over but the shooting – using his automated bike as a distraction, Dredd successfully surprises and outshoots the gang, with the “lightning reflexes” from his training.

And here we have our dose of future satire, as Judge Dredd sentences the captured Whitey to life imprisonment as a Judge killer – on Devil’s Island, which spooks even Whitey into begging for mercy. Devil’s Island turns out to be a traffic island at the center of a highway network, cut off by the automated trucks that drive by it non-stop at 200 miles per hour, and prisoners are ‘marooned’ on it. J.G. Ballard had a similar story of people marooned on a traffic island in his story The Concrete Island. A satirical touch, but one that doesn’t seem to be practically effective – for one thing, it seems that prisoners might escape by throwing something (weaker prisoners for example) to cause some sort of pileup or awaiting breakdown. As it turns out, it isn’t secure as Whitey subsequently escapes – and future storylines abandon it for dependable iso-cubes and penal colonies, most notoriously the space penal colony on Jupiter’s moon Titan for Judges gone bad.

And yes – my feature image is actually Brian Bolland’s cover art for the first issue of the Eagle reprint comics.

Also yes – it did not actually reprint the first issues from the original 2000 AD episodes. Fortunately, it does reprint Punks Rule, that epilogue to The Day the Law Died and the basis for the cover art – which is also not dissimilar in its plot device of Dredd’s recurring schtick to suggest for a solitary Judge, himself of course, to take out dangerous gangs to reinforce respect for the Law.

However, this cover art is such an iconic image of Dredd that I have to feature it upfront with Case Files 1.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
KRONG (prog 5)
The New You / The Brotherhood of Darkness (progs 3-4)

Funnily enough the next Brian Bolland cover art for the Eagle Comics reprint in order of the original episodes was issue 34, which flashed back to the fifth episode, featuring a robotic King Kong knockoff known as Krong in an episode of that name. The episode is…not as exciting as it sounds and sadly did not feature Dredd arresting Krong as in the cover art. Instead Krong was used as the instrument of crime (to destroy a building) by a museum curator of special effects.

And there were some iconic features of Mega-City One introduced even as early as progs 3 and 4. Face-changing machines – seemingly a common and easy form of cosmetic surgery – were introduced in episode 3, The New You. Mutants and “the wilderness from the Atomic Wars” – yet to be named the Cursed Earth – were introduced in prog 4 The Brotherhood of Darkness. They would subsequently reprise their role as antagonists to Dredd in The Cursed Earth epic in Case File 2.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
THE STATUE OF JUDGEMENT (prog 7)
Frankenstein 2 / Antique Car Heist (progs 6 & 8 )

Possibly the most iconic feature of Mega-City One – this landmark feature of Mega-City One introduced in prog 7 named for it, the newly constructed Statue of Judgement – the gigantic statue of a Judge that towers over the neighboring Statue of Liberty.

Prog 6 “Frankenstein 2” sadly does not quite recreate the story of Frankenstein but involves the theft of bodies for illegal transplant surgery.

Prog 8 “Antique Car Theft” involved the not so interesting premise of 20th century petrol-fuelled cars being valuable antiques. The more interesting premise was almost a throwaway gag – the rare occasion of Dredd taking off his helmet (at gunpoint). We don’t see his face but the perps do and it’s apparently so horrifying that it shocks them enough Dredd has time to pull his Lawgiver out to shoot them. Although we have never seen Dredd’s face – ever – in the comic (well, except unrecognizably as the Dead Man), they did seem to abandon his hideousness as a plot point and it became more a matter of his mystique. And while we haven’t seen his face, we have seen that of his clone-father Fargo which didn’t have any such issue.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
ROBOT WARS (progs 9-17)

The Robot Wars was the first Judge Dredd ‘epic’ – or more precisely longer story arc, since 10 episodes hardly seems to count as an epic, although Dredd’s first longer story arc saw it come of age as an enduring series.

And yet…meh, it’s okay. Of course, it is at a disadvantage as I was introduced to Judge Dredd by the Apocalypse War epic (and its Block Mania prelude), still my personal favorite Dredd epic. For that matter, I still consider Dredd’s first true epics and coming of age to be the back-to-back storylines of The Cursed Earth and The Day the Law Died – which feature in (and essentially comprise) Volume 2 of the Complete Case Files.

So The Robot Wars pales in comparison. It seems a little…contrived or even heavy-handed at times. Of course I can hear you exclaim – O Stark After Dark, isn’t being heavy-handed one of the fundamental characteristics of Judge Dredd? True – but that heavy-handedness is usually leavened by or indeed part of its absurdist humor, black comedy or satire. The Robot Wars still has some of those qualities, but the balance of them just doesn’t seem (or hasn’t had time to develop to be) as effective as in subsequent epics or episodes.

The Robot Wars also covers the familiar SF territory of, well, a robot war – although perhaps not as familiar at the time of its publication prior to the Terminator and Matrix films. In this case, the robot war is led by messianic carpenter robot (oho!) Call-Me-Kenneth, although ‘he’ turns out to be closer to robo-Hitler. Indeed, he announces himself to be a fan of Adolf Hitler, which begs the question – who programmed that into him?! There are some discordant notes – the robots are likened to slaves for the Mega-City populace to live lives of ease. However, subsequent storylines show quite the opposite, that automation and robots have resulted in unemployment variously stated but at least 90% – with the overwhelming majority of the Mega-City population living lives of crime, drudgery and welfare dependency.

Of course, having previously been introduced to mutants, The Robot Wars introduces us to another of the most recurring SF tropes and equally problematic themes for Judge Dredd, Mega-City’s robot ‘population’. (Mutants, robots and aliens are the big three SF tropes – and themes – for Judge Dredd). The relationship between robots and Mega-City’s human population in general – and its human Judges in particular – will be almost as problematic as Mega-City’s relationship with the mutant population of the former United States. And just as with mutants, Mega-City should seem to adopt a more nuanced approach to its robot population. If its robots do have genuine artificial intelligence (as they often seem to do), shouldn’t they be afforded citizenship status – or at least some legal status or protection? Indeed, its robot population generally seem to be more law-abiding and more observant of others, human or robot, than its human population. Once again, Judge Dredd seems to be more sensitive to this issue than his fellow Judges, although not quite as charitably as he is towards mutants.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
ROBOT WARS (prog 9-17)

The Robot Wars story arc also introduced recurring character Walter the Wobot, so-called because he lisped his R’s as W’s – a loyalist robot crucial to Dredd’s victory over the robot rebellion and rewarded with full citizenship as a result (as seen in the final episode here), although he chose to become Dredd’s robot servant (and fanboy).

I also include this image as part of a running theme equivalent to a drinking game for a title drop in a film – spotting the image used for Dredd on the Case Files cover and he was certainly striking a pose here.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
BRAINBLOOMS (prog 18)

Brainblooms in prog 18 might seem a strange episode to single out for attention, but for one thing – the introduction of one of my favorite features of Mega-City One commonly used by the Judges against its unruly citizens, riot foam!

A sprayed foam that hardens like concrete almost instantaneously, encasing those rioting citizens within it. Hopefully it’s porous so people can breathe – or the Judges have damn good aim. I seem to recall that Justice Department has a solvent for it – either that or they just chip away at it the good old-fashioned way to extract those rioters.

Here they use it for the titular brainblooms, some sort of illegal alien or mutant plant that their owner uses to hypnotize Dredd. It doesn’t take – and he’s back with the riot foam to use on the plants. The brainblooms may also count as a proto-fad – a theme we’ll see a lot more of with the bizarre future fads among Mega-City citizens.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
THE COMIC PUSHER (prog 20)
Mugger’s Moon (prog 19)

Literally introducing Max Normal – “It’s Max Normal, the pinstripe freak. One of my informers…”

The “pinstripe freak” – so-called because he wears pinstripe suits and sports twentieth-century fashion or style as part of the ‘normals’ fad which he led, as opposed to the usual punk biker or skater chic of the majority of Mega-City One, including the Judges with their uniforms.

“Stomm! It make me sick just to look at you, Max. Why don’t you grow your hair and get some decent wild clothes like everyone else? Why have you young people always gotta be different?”

Not that we learn it here but in subsequent episodes we learn Max is one of the 1% – the wealthy of Mega-City One. Not mega-corporation billionaire wealthy or anything like that, but at least millionaire wealthy – through his normals fad but probably more through being a champion player of shuggy, Mega-City One’s weird variant of pool.

Also an interesting sight into Justice Department resembling the East German Stasi, with its cohort of civilian informers. In this episode, what Max informs on to Dredd is the titular illegal comic pusher – and of course the comic that is being pushed is 2000 AD, a nice little plug for the Dredd’s own comic – “2000 AD – the famous comic from the twentieth century. Brilliant!” and “Fantastic stuff! No wonder those lawbreakers were charging a fortune for it!”. Although it’s not entirely clear why the comic is illegal in-universe…

Oh – and Mugger’s Moon in the preceding prog 19 is a somewhat bland episode featuring muggers. It also features Mega-City One apparently having no air pollution (from a combination of Clean Air Acts and technology) – I can’t recall that popping up again, although I do recall radiation warnings from time to time. Also Mega-City One apparently has no Good Samaritan-type laws, so Dredd has to deal with a callous motorist who failed to render assistance to a mugging victim on a technicality. That does surprise me – later episodes would certainly feature criminal penalties for failing to inform the Judges about a crime, even as a bystander, which would seem to have applied in this episode so Dredd need not have relied on that technicality.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
THE ACADEMY OF LAW 1 (prog 27)
The Solar Sniper (prog 21)
Mr Buzzz (prog 22)
Smoker’s Crime (prog 23)
The Wreath Murders (prog 24)
You Bet Your Life (prog 25)
Dream Palace (prog 26)

Introducing the Academy of Law – where all Mega-City One Judges receive their training as cadets or rookies (from early childhood) – here we see Dredd checking out his honor roll class of 2079 (twenty years earlier than 2099, the year of this episode in-universe).

Other episodes I skipped over to get here
• The Solar Sniper (prog 21). Pretty much what it says on the tin – a hitman using a solar-powered super-rifle to take out Judges. Introducing Mega-City One’s Weather Control (which Dredd uses for clouds to beat the sniper) – in a distressingly landbound building (and called Weather Congress), not the aerial station we see in subsequent episodes
• Mr Buzzz (prog 22) – a mutant perp that uses bat-like sonar
• Smoker’s Crime (prog 23) – introduces smokatoriums as smoking is illegal on streets. Later episodes would outlaw tobacco altogether (presumably leaving a synthetic tobacco as legal)
• The Wreath Murders (prog 24) – Dredd apprehends a street murder gang that uses wreaths as their calling card
• You Bet Your Life (prog 25) – Dredd apprehends a deadly underground game show. It’s rigged of course
• Dream Palace (prog 26) – features dream machines as a popular leisure activity in Mega-City One, sadly never to be featured again. There goes my Total Recall Judge Dredd crossover…

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
THE ACADEMY OF LAW 2 (prog 28)

Introducing Judge Giant – one of coolest characters in the Judge Dredd universe and one of the most popular recurring judges, other than Dredd himself.

Yes – he was introduced in the previous episode, but as a cadet rather than as a Judge (graduating from rookie in my featured image).

And although he was to be killed five years on, he effectively came back in new and improved form through his son (from an extra-Judicial liaison).

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
THE RETURN OF RICO (Prog 30)
The Neon Knights (prog 29)

“He ain’t heavy – he’s my brother!”

Introducing (and concluding) Dredd’s corrupt clone-brother, Rico Dredd (prog 30). Caught by (Joe) Dredd himself and sentenced to Titan, where Mega-City One sends its worst criminals – Judges gone bad. It’s not as secure as you’d expect for a prison in space – as there’s frequent escapes, including Rico – returning for vengeance on his brother, but outgunned by the latter. However, he remains a fundamental element in the Dredd mythos thereafter – to an extent, Dredd will always carry his clone brother with him.

For one thing, as subsequent episodes reveal, Rico had a daughter, Vienna Dredd, who grows up as Dredd’s niece – and given that Rico was his clone, Vienna is virtually his own daughter. She of course symbolizes Rico’s original corruption – as, like Jedi, Judges are forbidden from sexual relationships (although this is relaxed much later in the series, while still frowned upon by the Justice Department). Dredd distances himself from her, but subsequently assumes a closer paternal role to her – as she in turn grows into one of the strong female characters of the storyline.

For another, Dredd – and his story – remains haunted by this taint in the (clone) bloodline – with Rico as his shadow, the potential corrupt version of himself, and on a larger scale, the Department of Justice. Indeed, Dredd’s best adversaries are dark shadows of himself (and the Judges in general), as symbolized by Rico – although Rico remains as more a symbol of Dredd’s own potential for inner conflict. However, Rico foreshadowed even darker inversions of Judge Dredd and the Law to come, culminating in Dredd’s ultimate adversary – Judge Death and the Dark Judges. Whereas Rico was the corrupt shadow of Dredd, Judge Death is his absolute dark inversion. Rico at least was tempered by his own humanity and corruption. Judge Death and the Dark Judges are utterly inhuman and zealous to their Law, in which the crime is life and the sentence is death.

The previous episode, The Neon Knights, in prog 29 essentially involved the titular Ku Klux Klan analogy – even referred to as one of a number of secret vigilante klans – targeting robots in the wake of the Robot Wars. There’s a twist in the tale as their leader is revealed as a secret cyborg.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
DEVIL’S ISLAND (prog 31)

And we return not only to Whitey, the first perp we ever saw Dredd apprehend – and show us how dangerous he really was – but also to Devil’s Island, that weird traffic island prison they phased out for proper iso-cubes.

As I said back for prog 3, nice satire a la J. G. Ballard’s The Concrete Island, but one that didn’t seem to be practically effective, as an escape simply relied on disrupting traffic. Which Whitey does here by enlisting another prisoner to jury-rig a device to hack into Mega-City One’s weather control for a snowstorm – although that just raises more questions.

Fortunately Dredd’s in the vicinity at the time and just apprehends him again, returning him to Devil’s Island. Which again raises more questions, given how Whitey just orchestrated an escape from there – within the same year he was apprehended. No wonder they phased it out for iso-cubes.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
THE TROGGIES (prog 36-37)
Komputel (prog 32)
Walter’s Secret Job (prog 33)
Mutie the Pig (progs 34-35)

Introducing the Under-City, a setting (and inhabitants) almost as full of weirdness as the Cursed Earth – indeed, essentially the Cursed Earth under Mega-City One – albeit not quite as we know it.

It wasn’t quite introduced in the same subterranean form it evolved into in subsequent episodes. Here it is simply referred to as the underworld, consisting of an old network of subway stations – and Dredd appears to be surprised by it (whereas in much more recent episodes we’ve seen him and Rico venture into it as cadets).

Here the inhabitants – the titular troggies – seem to copy twentieth century clothing and slang, the latter to a cloying extent. Again, this was dropped as the Under-City dwellers evolved more into weird or semi-mutated inhabitants similar to those in the Cursed Earth – although the Under-City itself often contained relics of the twentieth century cities. Like New New York in Futurama, Mega-City One often did not simply grow out of the existing cities on the eastern US seaboard but over them.

As for the other episodes, we skipped:
• Komputel (prog 32) – Judge Dredd deals with an automated hotel that has become murderous. Have they learnt nothing from the Robot Wars?! Also hotels seem somewhat anomalous to the dystopian setting MC-1 we know
• Walter’s Secret Job (prog 33) – more early instalment weirdness as Walter the Wobot moonlights (from being Dredd’s robot servant) as a taxi driver. The weirdness is Dredd referring to Walter taking the job from human drivers – where in the Mega-City One we know, automation or robots have taken virtually all jobs. Also, why don’t they just automate the cab rather than have a robot driver?
• Mutie the Pig (progs 34-35). More moonlighting, but this time a crooked Judge – a classmate of Dredd, no less, named for the artist Ian Gibson – moonlights as a perp with a mutant mask.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
THE APE GANG (Prog 39)
Billy Jones (prog 38)

City of the Apes!

My disappointment is immeasurable that the Judge Dredd comic didn’t go with that title. I would also have taken the Apes of Wrath.

Apes are a surprisingly prevalent trope in SF and the Judge Dredd comic is no exception – so much so that it is one of the thematic special mentions to my top ten Judge Dredd episodes and epics. Apes have been used to echo human nature in literature long predating SF, but SF offered a new spin – ‘uplift’ apes. That is, apes ‘uplifted’ through human technological enhancement to a higher level of intelligence, even rivaling humanity.

The world of Judge Dredd is no planet of apes – nor is Mega-City One a city of apes – but there are uplift apes, introduced here in one of the earliest episodes of Judge Dredd no less. Unfortunately, they were introduced as living in a ghetto dubbed the Jungle, which smacks of, ah, apist stereotypes. Perhaps even more unfortunately, they were also introduced through the so-called Ape Gang, an ape criminal gang that styled itself on equally stereotypical Italian-American 1930’s mobsters (headed by Don Uggie Apelino with his lieutenants Fast Eeek and Joe Bananas).

Of course, the Ape Gang did not prosper when it went head-to-head with Dredd – and for that matter the Jungle was destroyed during the Apocalypse War. However, uplift apes did survive in Mega-City One, occasionally popping up when the writers remember them – and fortunately as more engaging characters to rival their human citizen counterparts.

As for the episode we jumped over:
• Billy Jones in prog 38 featured the premise of a Mega-City trillionaire, transparently named Hugh Howards, and his criminal plot to substitute duplicate robot spies for the children of owners of rival companies…as industrial espionage? Ah – as a trillionaire, does he really need to resort to such shenanigans, and even if he did, surely there is a more legitimate and profitable way to spend his money achieving it, not to mention a more practical means of industrial espionage ? I do like the way the episode features Mega-City One using Dredd as a boogeyman to scare their kids into being good…

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
THE MEGA-CITY 5000 (progs 40-41)

Judge Dredd does Death Race!

Largely unexceptional (and little odd in Mega-City One itself – more Mad Max than Judge Dredd) but for two things.

It was the first appearance of Brian Bolland’s art in the Judge Dredd comic – and it introduced “Spikes” Harvey Rotten, albeit very different in appearance than we saw him next in The Cursed Earth (although I understand that might have been due to an accidental art mix-up between him and another character in the Mega-City 5000).

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
LUNA 1 (progs 42-58)

“By order of the Triumvirate, you are hereby appointed to the office of Judge-Marshall of Luna1, the United Cities of North America Colony on the Moon. You are instructed to seek immediate passage on the first available lunar shuttle”.

And so begins Luna-1, another Judge Dredd ‘mini-epic’ or longer story arc – the second after The Robot Wars and just prior to the first true (and classic) Dredd epics, The Cursed Earth and The Day the Law Died. Longer than the Robot Wars (at 17 episodes), but like The Robot Wars before it, it was formative of subsequent Dredd epics. Indeed, the two of them respectively set up the essential Judge Dredd epic plotlines – Dredd confronting some threat, usually existential, to Mega-City One, and Dredd venturing to some other, usually exotic, location (or a combination of the two). However, it is more episodic than The Robot Wars – essentially Dredd in his judicial duties on the moon. I also like it more than The Robot Wars – it has more of the feel of the subsequent epics and introduces some important elements in Dredd’s world, namely the other two American mega-cities (Mega-City 2 on the West Coast and Tex-City in Texas) as well as the jointly administered American lunar colony, the latter essentially recast as a space Western setting.

The highlight for me was the introduction of the Soviet or Sov Judges, the most persistent recurring antagonists of Mega-City One. The introduction of the Sov Judges – and their main epic The Apocalypse War – was written prior to the fall of the Soviet Union. Subsequent storylines seem to redress this as some sort of neo-Soviet revival, perhaps as part or a result of the Atomic Wars

The Sov Judges are also the most effective recurring adversaries of Mega-City One (and that’s in a universe with such omnicidal maniacs as Judge Death and the Dark Judges), as they wiped out half the city in the Apocalypse War and almost the other half in the Day of Chaos. All that comes later (much later for the Day of Chaos) – for now, we are just introduced to the Sov Judges. And what an introduction – with classic art by Brian Bolland, one of my favorite Judge Dredd artists, particularly in this classic image.

I always loved the look of the Sov Judges, with all their Soviet paraphernalia of which Stalin himself would be proud – they just look so damn cool! Indeed, there are times when I think they look cooler than their American Mega-City One counterparts.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
THE FIRST LUNA OLYMPICS / LUNA-1 WAR (progs 50-51)
Luna-1 (prog 42)
Showdown on Luna-1 (prog 43)
Red Christmas (prog 44)
22nd Century Futsie (prog 45)
Meet Mr Moonie (prog 46)
Land Race (prog 47)
The Oxygen Desert (prog 48-49)

I will never tire of this image – so here it is again in color as Brian Bolland’s cover art for the Eagle comics Judge Dredd reprint issue 2.

As I said, the Sov Judges were introduced in the Luna-1 mini-epic – specifically in the two episodes The First Luna Olympics and Luna-1 War in progs 50-51. It is not surprising that the Sov Judges were introduced as the antagonists of the American Judges, reflecting their contemporary Cold War antagonism at the time of the episodes in 1978. And it’s also not surprising that we were introduced to the conflict between the Sov Judges and the American Judges in the arena of the Olympic Games, again reflecting one of their arenas of Cold War rivalry. Of course, in the twenty-second century, the big difference in their Cold War rivalry – apart from there already have been the global Atomic Wars – is that the Olympics are on the moon.

Although in fairness, as the title says, it’s the first lunar Olympics. What hasn’t changed is the American-Soviet rivalry and mutual protests of cheating, although it’s interesting that competitors are allowed up to 20% bionic components (but no more – hence the protests). Of course, given the low-gravity, terrestrial records are easily broken – but one could only assume they’ll be keeping separate record books from now on.

Anyway, the cheating culminates in the assassination (by an assassin in the stands) of the Soviet star sprinter (worse in the deciding event to break the medal count tie between the Americans and the Soviets). Sov Judge Kolb goes to execute the assassin and Dredd intervenes because apparently Mega-City One’s Justice Department rejects the death penalty (which would become more of a loose guideline in subsequent episodes), killing Kolb. And as the other Sov Judge – Sov-Judge Cosmovich – tells Dredd, this means war!

Except not really – or not as we know it. In their introduction here, war was somewhat more ritualized between the American and Soviet mega-cities, at least in their lunar colonies – effectively as a death-sport, somewhat like Roller-ball. Back on earth in subsequent episodes, however, the Sovs proved to be recurring adversaries of Mega-City One – and looming as a threat of actual war. Guess those were just moon rules?

Anyway, Dredd wins of course, so the Americans don’t have to give up any lunar territory – which were the “stakes”.

As for the other episodes:
• Luna-1 in prog 42 gave Dredd his marching orders – or spaceflight orders – apponting him as Judge-Marshall of Luna-1 and of course Walter stowed away in his luggage. The position of Judge-Marshall proves to be a hot seat – as Dredd is targeted by repeated assassination attempts, which brings us to…
• Showdown on Luna in prog 43, where Dredd has the classic Western showdown with a gunslinging robot, showcasing Luna-1 as a space Western setting, with the lunar frontier essentially the new Wild West for the American mega-cities
• Red Christmas in prog 44 sees Dredd celebrate Christmas 2099 on the moon – the red is yet another assassination attempt by means of holding Walter hostage
• 22nd Century Futsie in prog 45 not only sees in the titular 22nd century on New Year – but also introduced ‘futsies’, an occasional recurring feature in Mega-City One in which citizens run amok or go crazy from ‘future shock’, a term (and book title) coined by Alvin Toffler
• Meet Mr Moonie in prog 46 sees Dredd go after the source of assassination attempts on him – the reclusive billionaire (trillionaire?) owner of the moon
• Land Race in prog 47 sees the titular race for staking claims to lunar land

The Oxygen Desert in progs 48-49 sees Dredd stranded in the titular desert – i.e the lunar surface outside the pressurized atmosphere domes – but survives, only to feign resignation to lure in the outlaw stranding him there

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
THE FACE CHANGE CRIMES (prog 52)

We’ve already seen face-changing machines in the earliest episodes, as well as Brian Bolland’s art in this epic (in Land Race and The First Luna Olympics / Luna-1 War), but here they come together – showcasing Bolland’s skill in portraiture.

In particular – Stan / Stanley Laurel and Ollie / Oliver Hardy, along with Charlie Chaplin. And that pretty much tells you the premise – a criminal gang uses face changes to disguise themselves for a heist (a good old-fashioned bank hold up with guns). To be honest, I admire their creativity – and the commitment to the bit, since they call each other by the names to their faces. Of course, one drawback is that those faces are distinctive, although perhaps less so in the twenty-second century – triggering Dredd’s recognition of their faces as “twentieth century comedians”. That might have been an asset – since they change their faces again to escape under the guise of hostages…except they change their faces to the Marx Brothers. (Well, three of them anyway, but the most famous of the three). However, that does allow us to see more portraiture in Bolland’s art…

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1
THE FACE CHANGE CRIMES (prog 52)

I just couldn’t resist some more of Brian Bolland’s portraiture – this time of the face-change gang as the Marx Brothers, specifically Groucho, Harpo and Chico (let’s face it, the big three – no one remembers Zeppo or Gummo).

Although, is there any reason they are quoting the title of A Night at the Opera, or “Harpo” is so committed to the bit that he’s honking a horn rather than speaking (part of the real Harpo’s signature act)- while no one is around?! Unless you count the two ambulance officers they took captive upon hijacking the ambulance for their getaway, even if they don’t look like they’re in a position to observe it? Certainly not the guy on the floor. (I hope they released them later unharmed).

But wait – there’s more! There’s quite the surprising depth to an episode which basically looks designed for the simple gimmick of a criminal gang using face change machines to impersonate twentieth century comedians for their heists, a gimmick tailor-made for Brian Bolland’s art. Dredd does the easy thing – tracking down the purchase of face change machines through the only company on Luna-1 that sold them. What’s not so easy is all he has the law enforcement technique of profiling the usual suspects – in this case, the Tooley brothers – without any further evidence. “The trouble is…proving they robbed the bank!”

I think this is the first time that we are confronted with the apparent anomaly of an authoritarian or even fascist police state abiding by the niceties of legality. I mean, isn’t Dredd a fascist? Why doesn’t he just arrest the Tooley brothers, evidence or no evidence? This may be the first time this anomaly comes up in the comic but it won’t be the last – it’s a recurring feature, which arguably goes to the very heart of the comic and character of Judge Dredd.

Setting aside that fascism can be lawless and it can be lawful, I’m not sure there’s any clear or easy answers to the question of whether Judge Dredd or Justice Department is fascist (or whether Mega-City One is a fascist state) – or perhaps questions, since while they overlap, they seem to me somewhat separate considerations.

Both Judge Dredd and Justice Department are undoubtedly authoritarian – and I think it would also be inarguable that they have fascist elements, indeed from the outset in their design. An interesting opinion piece featured this as its theme in its very title – “Fascist Spain meets British punk: The subversive genius of Judge Dredd”. That piece attributed the “design emphasis on fascist chic” to Spanish artist Carlos Ezquerra, as something of a tribute to the artist who has passed away.

Quick side bar – I particularly liked how the piece echoed Chris Sims on how Judge Dredd’s ‘costume’ is ridiculously over the top – “Dredd looks like no other comic character before or since. His design makes no practical sense. It has no symmetry or logic to it. No one at the time thought it would work. “F*cking hell,” his co-creator John Wagner said when he first saw the designs. “He looks like a Spanish pirate.” But somehow, for reasons no one can quite articulate, it is perfect”.

Back to the point, I think part of the (probably irreconcilable) tension of whether Judge Dredd is fascist or not derives from the two competing strands that I see have been combined in the core concept of Dredd – a futuristic Dirty Harry in a dystopian post-apocalyptic SF satire. On the one hand, you have the dramatic tension of a Dirty Harry obstructed in his instinct for justice by what he perceives to be the loopholes, red tape or technicalities of due process or the legal system. On the other, you have that dystopian SF satire of an authoritarian state, the whole point of which is that it has purportedly dispensed with all those obstructions for a system of instant summary law enforcement. In short, as the agent of a police state, Judge Dredd should not have the hassles of a Dirty Harry with due process – but he does because that’s part of his core concept as a character.

Here the pesky need for evidence is compounded by the gang having a defence lawyer – and being able to call off their interrogation until they see him. However, Dredd was able to use their own game against them – using the lunar Justice Central face change machine, he impersonates their lawyer and records them while they freely confess to the crime (although that presumably must have involved detaining their lawyer without charge so that Dredd could substitute for them – and I’m not sure how their confessions would hold up as evidence, at least in contemporary law, when it was recorded by subterfuge of impersonating their lawyer).

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
THE OXYGEN BOARD (prog 57)
The Killer Car (prog 53-56)

“A smart man can beat the law, but, baby, only a fool bucks the oxygen board!”

That’s pretty much the twist in the tale for this episode – as the criminals of the biggest heist (and disaster) in Luna history forgot to pay their oxygen bill and get their just desserts (by suffocation)

Bonus irony as the gang essentially used the same means of oxygen delivery to the lunar colony – the pipelines from the astro-tankers pumping it in – as the means for their colony-wide heist, adding tranquilizer gas to ‘roofie’ the whole colony. Disappointingly, the writers forfeited the opportunity to call them the tranq gang, going with the tranq gas raiders instead.

It’s not exactly like the colony taking a nap either – there are thousands of casualties, the effects of vehicle and other machine accidents that result from the entire colony being unconscious at the same time. Well, not the entire colony – the Judges have their respirators. And all the robots are still running – with the Judges activating their emergency protocols for assistance. Still – the death toll is stated to be 53,000, and over half a million injured…which might mean more if I actually knew what the population of the lunar colony was. (Looking it up, the Judge Dredd role-playing game apparently had the lunar colony with a population of 25 million in the middle of the twenty-first century…which is a little hard to imagine as at 2023).

And they would have got away with it too if it wasn’t for that meddling Oxygen Board, apparently a government monopoly with an extreme form of robodebt recovery – robots cutting off the oxygen of (and indeed vacuuming it from) customers with overdue bills, suffocating them. Despite having robots and video calls for the debt recovery, there appears to be no remote means of payment (instead requiring personal attendance at an oxygen board showroom) or electronic door key lock (as the gang dropped their key in their loot and can’t find it before suffocating).

As for The Killer Car in progs 53-56, essentially it replays rogue robot Call-Me-Kenneth from the Robot Wars on the moon but with a robotic car (called Elvis).

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1:
RETURN TO MEGA-CITY ONE (Prog 59)
Full Earth Crimes (prog 58)
Firebug (prog 60)

Classic Judge Dredd – poster boy for the Lawful Neutral alignment.

Prog 59 sees Dredd return to Mega-City One from Luna, in one of the best characteristic (and comic) illustrations of the Judge himself – just how legalistic he can be towards the Law, the perfect embodiment of the Lawful Neutral alignment. It opens beautifully with Mega-City One citizens looking on in amazement and bemusement as Dredd nonchalantly strolls past a robbery in progress, stopping only to cheerfully admonish the robbers – “Good morning, citizens. I would remind you that armed robbery is illegal in Mega-City 1”. But then, he just continues strolling – doing none of head-kicking things we’ve come to expect in his approach to law enforcement. What is going on? The robbers themselves thank their good luck and continue with the robbery, speculating that Dredd must have gone “moon crazy”. He walks past yet another crime – until a rookie Judge arrives with Dredd’s reinstatement papers, allowing him to be sworn back in as a Judge of Mega-City. He immediately takes the rookie Judge’s bike to go back to the scenes of the crimes to kick some heads for the Law – “Look out, you lawbreaking scum! Judge Dredd’s back in town!”.

Of course, the answer to his previous inactivity lies in that he wasn’t officially sworn (back) in as a Judge – “it’s illegal for an ordinary citizen to take the law into his own hands”.

Before returning to Mega-City One, we had Dredd’s final episode on the moon – Full Earth Crimes in prog 58, transferring the gimmick (and myth) of increased criminal activity and insanity with a full moon to the effect of a ‘full earth’ on Luna-1.

And after his return, we have the last regular Judge Dredd episode in Case Files 1, Firebug, in prog 60, featuring a serial arsonist of city blocks.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 1
BONUS MATERIAL – UNPUBLISHED JUDGE DREDD PILOT EPISODE
Walter the Wobot (progs 50-58)

“I am the Law and you better believe it!”

As much as I like the final panel of this unpublished first episode, I’m glad they tided up his catchphrase!

But wait – there’s more!

Well, not much more, but still there’s some bonus material in Case Files 1 beyond the regular Judge Dredd episodes.

Walter the Wobot got his own spinoff strips, Walter the Wobot Fwiend of Dwedd. Yeah, they really leant into his robotic lisp in that title. The strips themselves were light-hearted comedy, because you can’t take Walter seriously (even though he saved Dredd multiple times in the comic – notably in the Robot Wars which introduced him, in The Day the Law Died, and in the Apocalypse War). The strips were okay, I guess – and some of them were illustrated by Brian Bolland so there’s that.

The other bonus material was the previously unseen first episode of Dredd, drawn by Carlos Ezquerra, as much an influence in the creation of Dredd as writers Pat Mills and John Wagner. I anticipate it was drawn for the first issue of 2000 AD but simply wasn’t written in time (or revised) so another episode featured as Dredd’s first episode in the second issue of 2000 AD. (You following along? You may recall that although Judge Dredd was 2000 AD’s flagship character, he didn’t actually make it into their first issue and only started in their second issue).

According to the editorial in Case Files 1, the story was printed in it to showcase the original art – distinctively featuring Dredd as judge, jury, AND executioner, which was somewhat different to how he was introduced. As we see later, Mega-City One Judges usually don’t sentence people to execution, although there are exceptions (and they often kill people who resist arrest or attempt to escape).

This unpublished pilot episode did showcase some of the different types of ammunition used by the Judges (ricochet and heat-seeking), as well as Dredd’s Lawmaster – although it also featured regular police units separate from the Judges, something that occasionally popped up elsewhere in the early episodes until it was quietly dropped. It is amusing to think of the Judges as some sort of special elite force that also announces and executes (literally) their sentences at the same time. (Keen eyes might notice the “police cam” in this panel).

 

 

 

 

 

Friday Night Funk: Groove Armada – I See You Baby (1999)

 

MUSIC (MOJO & FUNK): TOP 10

 

(5) FUNK: GROOVE ARMADA –
I SEE YOU BABY (1999)
B-side: Paper Romance (2010)

“This is the house that funk built – Groove Armada style!”

Nuff said.

Or perhaps not – Groove Armada (English electronic music duo Andy Cato and Tom Findlay) is another big beat funk entry from the 1990’s.

This entry, I See You Baby, is arguably their signature single and certainly one of the defining songs of 1999-2000. Although the original single was funky in itself, I prefer the even funkier remix by Fatboy Slim. (Interestingly, the duo DJ’d Fatboy Slim’s – or rather, Norman Cook’s – wedding). Watch out for that video – it gets a little raunchy

“You got to get on the dance floor…Oh this party got it going on!”

Don’t look for much in the way of lyrical depth (or lyrics) there – it’s all about the funk.

For my B-side – their 2010 single Paper Romance from their album Black Light (also remixed with other songs in their White Light album that year)

As for the balance of my Top 10 Groove Armada songs:
(3) Song 4 Mutya (2007)
(4) If Everybody Looked the Same (1999)
(5) Madder (2003)
(6) Superstyling (2001)
(7) My Friend (2001)
(8) Think Twice (2002)
(9) Purple Haze (2002)
(10) But I Feel Good (2003)

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (8)

 

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome: Diocletian’s Tetrarchy

 

(8) BEST: DIOCLETIAN –

NON-DYNASTIC / TETRARCHY

(284 – 305 AD: 20 YEARS 5 MONTHS 11 DAYS)

 

Dominus of the Dominate – Diocletian ended the Crisis of the Third Century and stabilized the empire, instituting what has been called the Dominate, as opposed to the Principate founded by Augustus, via the system of government for which he is best known, the Tetrarchy.

“It is perhaps Diocletian’s greatest achievement that he reigned twenty-one years and then abdicated voluntarily and spent the remaining years of his life in peaceful retirement.”

That was a rare achievement for emperors in the third and fourth century – few emperors died naturally with most dying violently. He was also the first emperor to abdicate voluntarily to peaceful retirement, from which he could not be coaxed back, growing cabbages that have become the stuff of legend –

“If you could show the cabbage that I planted with my own hands to your emperor, he definitely wouldn’t dare suggest that I replace the peace and happiness of this place with the storms of a never-satisfied greed.”

That people sought to coax him back as emperor suggests something of a mixed quality to his reign that was summed up by the Youtuber Spectrum (who also ranked him in eighth place) – “the dude who tried to fix all the issues of the empire and to be honest kind of failed”.

His pet Tetrarchy failed when he wasn’t in it to hold the hands of his co-emperors – and of course it also inherently involved the concept of the division of the empire that would ultimately become permanent between its eastern and western halves. As Adrian Goldswothy observed, it meant fewer civil wars in a more muted form of the crisis of the third century, rather than a true return to the lost comparative stability of the first and second centuries.

The less said about his economic policies such as his edict for price controls the better, as they were a often an abject failure, resulting in higher tax burdens, inflation, reduced social mobility and effectively pre-empting feudalism. Diocletian also institutionalized the Roman equivalent of the military-industrial complex and bureaucratic state, although some historians have considered the burden of the latter to be overstated.

And of course, there was his Great Persecution of Christianity, which would ultimately prove to be ineffective and counter-productive, as well as seeing him maligned by subsequent Christian emperors after this persecution had been replaced by tolerance and the favoritism.

Even the Dominate which he instituted moved the style of government, particularly to modern democratic eyes, away from the more senatorial and collegiate style of the Principate, to one that was more authoritarian, autocratic, bureaucratic, and despotic.

However, it was one that served the needs of the empire at the time better than the Principate and continued to do so with modifications until at least into the seventh century.

Above all, it kept the borders of the empire secure under Diocletian (and thereafter for almost a century) – with Diocletian, who had risen to the throne from humble origins through a distinguished military career, campaigning successfully against Germanic tribes and Sarmatians at the Danube (taking the victory title of Sarmaticus Maximus), a rebellion and usurper in Egypt, and the Sassanids in Persia.

(By the way, if I was to add Roman emperors after 476 AD, I’d probably substitute Heraclius for Diocletian, as an emperor with a similarly mixed record – but perhaps with higher highs and lower lows).

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

MAXIMUS:

O boy – Germanicus Maximus, Sarmaticus Maximus, Persicus Maximus, Britannicus Maximus (suppressing the Carausian Revolt or so-called Britannic Empire), Carpicus Maximus, Armenicus Maximus, Medicus Maximus, and Adiabenicus Maximus. Half of those come from campaigns against the Sassanid Persians.

 

DEIFIED AND DAMNED

Well, it was the Dominate after all – divine honors came with the territory. He even called himself Jovius.

 

However, Christianity has a long memory of its persecutions – there was no formal damnatio memoriae but he was removed from monuments and his memory was diminished under Constantine, both to magnify Constantine himself and because of Constantine’s Christianity.

 

EMPIRE MAKER:

Yes, yes – technically there was only one empire maker as such, but Diocletian qualifies for his Tetrarchy and the Dominate, effectively instituting a new Roman empire from the Crisis of the Third Century.

 

SPECTRUM RANKING COMPARISON:

Exactly the same in eighth place!

 

And of course Dovahhatty has him as a chad in the video named for his Tetrarchy.

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (9)

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XVII: Imperial Wrath

 

(9) WORST: CONSTANTINE II –

CONSTANTINIAN DYNASTY

(337 – 340: 2 YEARS 7 MONTHS)

 

A whiny little toad, who couldn’t even get usurping his gay younger brother right and got pawned instead.

Letting his father’s name down, Constantine II spent his time whining that he didn’t get more than the western third of empire he got in 337 AD as one of three brothers because he was the eldest.

He was of course fine with his brother Constantius – the one who actually got things done – doing the dirty work of whittling down their father’s male relatives in what is known as the massacre of the princes so the three brothers could inherit their father’s empire. He just thought he was entitled to more of it. Constans got the central third, including Italy, while Constantius got the eastern third – you know, the third fighting the Persian Sassanids.

And so Constantine bullied his younger brother and ward Constans as an easy target – Constans also being targeted for ‘indulging’ “in great vices” and ‘scandalous behaviour’ with “handsome barbarian hostages” or his select bodyguard. The Romans were not exactly progressive about these things, particularly when it suited them for political accusations.

And yes – I said ward, because Constantius had designated Constantine II the guardian of Constans until Constans came of age.

So Constantine II bullied Constans into giving him part of Africa but squabbled over Constans retaining Carthage, refused to relinquish his guardianship when Constans turned eighteen, and just tried to usurp Constans instead, marching into Italy with his troops in 340 AD.

Only to be ambushed and killed by the forces of Constans – not even by Constans or his main forces, but by a detachment of troops Constans sent ahead of himself and his main forces while taking care of imperial business in Dacia, fighting actual enemies of Rome.

Congratulations, Constantine II – you played yourself.

Constans then got his brother’s third of the empire, consisting of Hispania, Gaul and Britain.

 

RATING: 1 STAR*

D-TIER (BAD TIER)

 

MAXIMUS:

Yeah, right.

DEIFICATION

One hopes not. I haven’t seen any reference to his deification.

EMPIRE DEBASER

I’ve gone with empire debaser for him – it can’t be said that he broke or debauched the empire, but I think it can be said he debased it. His father had fought to unify the empire and eliminate usurpers – only for Constantine II and his brothers to divide it, compounded by him trying to usurp his brother’s realm – preempting the successful usurpation of Constans by Magnentius a decade later.

SPECTRUM RANKING COMPARISON:

Spectrum ranks him even lower, the fourth worst Roman emperor before 395 AD (although that may drop down two places to sixth worst if we included the rankings from the western Roman empire, two of which definitely rank lower).

Dovahhatty ranks him as a virgin, as in my feature image.

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (9)

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XXVII: Imperial Wrath

 

(9) BEST: VALENTINIAN –
VALENTINIAN DYNASTY
(364 – 375 AD: 11 YEARS 8 MONTHS 23 DAYS)

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides – by barbarians. And he will strike down upon them with great vengeance and furious anger. And they will know his name is…Valentinian

Apologies to Tarantino, although I think Valentinian would have dug Tarantino’s vibe. Certainly I think if any characteristic described Valentinian, it was furious anger, albeit that of the righteous man.

I mean, he literally died of anger – from a stroke yelling at envoys from Germanic tribes for not sticking to peace treaties, although I prefer the Dovahhatty version where Valentinian had his stroke choking them out in pure rage.

It’s not a bad way to go – and who doesn’t secretly yearn for something similar, going out in a blaze of glory at work, yelling out someone who richly deserves it as I rage into, not against, the dying of the light. No? Just me, then?

Valentinian was the last great western emperor, “due to the successful nature of his reign and the rapid decline of the empire after his death” – certainly the last worthy of the title of the Great as he is also known as Valentinian the Great (although I understand that was by a convention that did not so much connote greatness as a term that also effectively translated as the first of his name).

Hell, I’ll say he was the last great emperor in either half of the empire until after 476 AD. Yes – I’m looking at you, Theodosius the so-called Great. I’ll deal with him later but I tend to agree with Dovahhatty who has Theodosius muse to himself “I’m busy thinking how to be horrible at everything and yet still be remembered as ‘great'”. Okay – I don’t quite go that far but you won’t be seeing him on the best or great side of the ledger. Just don’t confuse him with his father and Valentinian’s top general, Theodosius the Elder or ‘Count’ Theodosius (as his military title loosely translates).

And yes – I haven’t forgotten about Majorian. It’s just that Valentinian was the last emperor to campaign beyond the Rhine or indeed secure the borders of the empire against barbarians, as he skilfully and successfully defended against Germanic invasions – to keep the barbarians at the gates

After Valentinian’s death, the barbarians were inside the gates – “the calls are coming from inside the house!”. The Romans weren’t fighting them beyond the borders or even at the borders, but inside the borders, where they were to stay.

After Valentian, it’s depressing that the mark of a good emperor – such as Majorian – was one who fought and defeated the barbarians inside the empire. And that was depressingly rare, literally only a couple of emperors. Even emperors fighting at all were rare, as that was increasingly done by their military leaders – increasingly drawn from the barbarians themselves – who ruled the empire in all but name, although in fairness quite a few of them also fought and defeated barbarians inside the empire, including my favorites Stilicho and Aetius.

Back to Valentinian, it was like the fourth century trying to replay all the greatest hits of the crisis of the third century but Valentinian was having none of it and kicked it all back to the curb – Germanic tribes in Gaul (and back into Germania), the ‘Great Conspiracy’ of rebellion and invaders in Britain, rebellion and usurpers in Africa, and Germanic tribes at the Danube.

You don’t rack up those victory names for nothing. Okay, occasionally emperors did, but not Valentinian – I’ve seen listed for him Germanicus Maximus, Alamanicus Maximus (with the Alamanni as perhaps his favorite punching bag), Francicus Maximus (for the Franks) and Gothicus Maximus.

Sadly, his brother Valens – whom Valentian made his eastern co-emperor – did not quite have the same mettle or military prowess, which is what led to those barbarians inside the gates after a little battle of which you might have heard, the Battle of Adrianople in 378 AD.

His sons had even less. So much for the so-called Valentinian dynasty, which saw the empire crumble, albeit not as much as the – shudder – Theodosian dynasty. The only Valentian dynasty was Valentinian.

Valentinian occasionally has the reputation – among some modern historians as well as contemporaries – as a brute, but he founded schools, as well as providing state-funded orphanages, medical services in Rome’s poorest districts and penalties for infanticide. He was also capable in administration, particularly financial administration – he improved tax collection (including relief for the poor) and was frugal in spending. And unlike his brother Valens, he actually upheld religious tolerance (apart from slapping the odd pagan).

Okay, there’s the story about his two pet bears which he used to execute people, but I’m not sure I believe that. There’s also the story of Valentinian and his wife swinging with Justina, the hottest woman in the Roman Empire, such that he made a law to have Justina as his second wife (and mother of his son Valentinian II). That’s probably as much gossip as the story about the bears but it makes me respect him even more.

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

MAXIMUS:
As I noted before – Germanicus Maximus, Alamanicus Maximus, Francicus Maximus and Gothicus Maximus.

DEIFIED:
Despite being Christian, the empire still retained its classical paganism and its deification of emperors – so he was deified

EMPIRE SAVER:
One of the last, if not the last, in the classical Roman empire.

SPECTRUM RANKING COMPARISON: Pretty similar – not in Spectrum’s top ten, but not far off in twelfth place (after correcting for Vespasian in eleventh place)

Dovahhatty of course has him as a chad – my feature image is from Unbiased History of Rome XVII: Imperial Wrath