Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped) (5) Mongol Conquests – Mongol Invasion of Europe

 

The Battle of Legnica (Liegnitz or Wahlstatt) on 9th April 1241 during the first Mongol invasion of Poland – copper engraving by Matthäus Merian the Elder 1630 (public domain image – Wikipedia “Mongol Invasions and Conquests”)

 

(5) MONGOL CONQUESTS –
MONGOL INVASION OF EUROPE (1236-1242)

 

The Mongols were essentially a horse blitzkrieg across Eurasia, achieving a mobility and speed on land, exceeded only by modern mobile warfare using the internal combustion engine.

The horse blitzkrieg was a recurring feature mounted (heh) by nomadic herding tribes, particularly by those from the steppes of central Asia, to such devastating effect against more sedentary or settled agricultural states throughout history. I can’t resist the memorable quote by the Pax Romana Youtube channel that “history is mostly a matter of hoping those psychos on horseback don’t attack this summer, steal the grain and take the slaves”.

None were more supremely effective at it than the Mongols, one of the most proficient and versatile military forces in history – one that was also supremely adaptable at coopting its conquered people for further conquests and for strategies of war beyond their horse blitzkrieg. It’s surprising how small the actual Mongol component was of their forces.

The founder of the Mongol Empire – Temujin, better known as Genghis Khan – was the best military and political leader of his era, or arguably any era. He succeeded in unifying the Mongol tribes as the nucleus of his empire, which at his death stretched from northern China through Central Asia to Iran and the outskirts of European Russia. In doing so, the Mongols conquered glittering states along the Silk Road in central Asia that barely anyone remembers because the Mongols wiped them out so thoroughly – the Khwaraziman Empire of Iran and the Qara Khitai.

However, it is the wars of his successors that are particularly fascinating to me as they advanced into almost every corner of Eurasia.

In the Middle East, they besieged and sacked Baghdad, the center of Islamic power for half a millennia, occupying as far as parts of Syria and Turkey, with raids advancing as far as Gaza in Palestine, where they were stopped in the battle of Ain Jalut by the Mamluks of Egypt.

In East Asia, the Mongols did not face a unified China but two warring states, the Jin in northern China and the Sung in southern China. Genghis had largely defeated the former – his successors finished it off and conquered the Sung as well. The latter was most famously by Kublai Khan – and in Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree.

The Mongols also invaded Korea, Burma and Vietnam. It’s interesting to think of the Mongol Vietnam War, which as Vietnam Wars usually go, resulted in defeat for the Mongols. It’s also interesting, given the definitive horse blitzkrieg of the Mongols, that the Mongols launched naval invasions of Java and Japan, but perhaps not surprisingly neither did well – the latter giving rise to the Japanese word kamikaze or divine wind for the storms that scattered the Mongol invasion fleets.

However, I’m giving this entry to the campaigns of his successors most familiar to me from my Eurocentric perspective – the Mongol invasion of Europe, commanded in the field by one of the best Mongol generals, Subutai. The Mongols rolled over European Russia – over much of which they would remain ruling as the Golden Horde until the fifteenth century – and invaded central Europe, decisively defeating Poland and Hungary.

They were poised to strike into the heartland of Europe and the Holy Roman Empire, indeed raiding the latter (and the Balkans), with little to stop them but the English Channel – but fortunately for Europe, the Great Khan Ogedai died, so the Mongol armies withdrew back to Russia while their leaders returned to Mongolia to select the new Great Khan. Or so the story goes – historians vary on whether that was the true cause for the Mongols to desist from their invasion.

Even so, the Mongols continued to cast a long shadow of terror into Europe, reinforced by further raids in the thirteenth century (such that the raids of the 1280’s are sometimes styled as the second Mongol invasion) and fourteenth century.

And traumatizing Europeans with steak tartare, based on the popular legend of Mongol or ‘Tartar’ warriors tenderizing meat under their saddles and eating it at night after it had been ‘cooked’ by the heat and sweat from the horse.

 

ART OF WAR

 

Forget Sun Tzu – the true Art of War was written by Genghis Khan and the Mongols…in conquest. A friend and I used to observe the irony of Sun Tzu’s Art of War originating in China – a country that historically has gotten its ass kicked as often as not. (The same irony for Machiavelli’s The Prince originating in Italy – a country known for its political chaos).

But seriously – an army that conquered the world clearly excelled in the art of war. Ruling their conquests on the other hand…although in fairness any empire that size at that time was doomed to fragmentation.

 

WORLD WAR

 

The Mongol Conquests were nothing short of what should be described as a world war to create the largest contiguous land empire in history, and one that is still only exceeded by the British Empire – perhaps the most serious contender for the first true world war.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE MONGOL CONQUESTS

 

One of the few wars we’re not still fighting, even though we live in a Mongol-made world. The rising Russian state, with long memories of the Golden Horde, saw to that by conquering the steppes and various residual khanates (into the nineteenth century), but arguably inheriting their legacy and former territory as the new horde.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

The Mongol Conquests are an alternate history extravaganza, so incredibly exploding out of nowhere.

Well, perhaps not out of nowhere. The Mongols and the nomadic herding tribes on horseback in the Eurasian steppes consistently punched far above their weight in wealth or population until recently – as noted by military historians Azar Gat and John Keegan, as well as historian Walter Scheidel referring to this steppe effect.

Still, the Mongol Conquests are one of a select elite of wars of imperial conquest that seem to hinge on one man as commander or conqueror, begging the alternate history question of the great man theory of history – what if that great man didn’t happen? Without Temujin or Genghis Khan to unite them and lead them to empire, would the Mongol Conquests have ever begun?

And then there’s the other end of the Mongol Conquests, when the Mongols seem an unstoppable juggernaut, particularly in their invasions of Europe – could the Mongols have conquered Europe?

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

History has tended to overlook the positive or even progressive aspects of the Pax Mongolica – but it is also difficult to cast them as good guys, given the destruction they wrought, exceeding even the Second World War relative to world population.

 

RATINGS: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped) (6) Greek-Persian Wars

 

Spartans fighting against Persians at the Battle of Plataea – illustration in Cassell’s Illustrated Universal History 1882 (public domain image)

 

(6) GREEK-PERSIAN WARS (499-449 BC)

 

The classical Persian Wars – when the Greeks fought for their very existence as independent states against the imperial Persian superpower of the Achaemenid Empire, as an uneasy coalition of Greek city states fighting off two Persian invasions of Greece against the odds in the archetypal battles of classical Greek heroism.

That is not to overlook the Macedonian conquest of the Persian Empire featured in another top ten entry, or the longer Roman-Persian wars – through to the twilight of classical history, for nearly seven centuries from 54 BC to 628 AD, when the Romans fought their relentless slogging match against two successive Persian empires, the Parthians and the Sassanids.

Ultimately, however, the Roman-Persian Wars lack the existential significance of the Persian invasions of Greece, both to the classical Greeks and by extension Western civilization itself. It is difficult to imagine the shape of Western civilization, had the Persians succeeded in their invasions of Greece, particularly their second invasion, but it would have been immeasurably different.

Greek victories in the Persian Wars were certainly a defining moment for Athens and its democracy, as well as the Greeks as a whole – “their victory endowed the Greeks with a faith in their destiny that was to endure for three centuries, during which western culture was born”.

The Persian wars were also among the first wars in history to be written as history – by the creators of history as a genre, foremost among them Herodotus, styled as the father of history. They might also be argued to be the origin of Western military strategy and tactics – or at least the feature that was to recur so decisively as part of Western military superiority, the drilled formation, in this case the hoplite phalanx.

They also featured two of the landmark battles of history, won against the odds – Marathon and the naval battle of Salamis – as well as the heroic last stand of Thermopylae, the Spartan Alamo. Of course, as an Athenian loyalist, I’d point out that Marathon and Salamis were Athenian victories, as opposed to all that pro-Spartan agitprop of the 300 film, in which Leonidas breezily dismissed Athens.

Salamis was a particularly impressive Athenian victory, since they won it from exile after evacuating Athens itself, which was captured and razed by the Persians – choosing to carry on fighting from exile rather than submit to the Persians. This feat might be compared to the scenario if France had not surrendered to Germany in 1940, but had fought on with its fleet from north Africa – and won.

In terms of historical narrative, the first Persian invasion from 492 BC to 490 BC, under Darius the Great, was inconclusive with their defeat in the battle of Marathon…for the time being. Darius had to postpone a further invasion of Greece to fight strife within his own empire. When he died, his son and successor Xerxes took the second swing at Greece in earnest in an invasion from 480 to 479 BC, which was ultimately defeated at the battles of Plataea and Mycale.

After that, the Greeks were able to go on the offensive against the Persians in the Persian Empire itself, particularly in its formerly Greek fringes, but the Greek-Persian wars largely fizzled out from there with a return to the pre-war status quo by 449 BC, not unlike the persistent stalemate of the subsequent Roman-Persian Wars, although Greece was freed from the threat of Persian invasion. Of course, a lot of that was undone as the Persian Empire then learned to sit back and exploit the Greek city-states fighting among themselves, most notably in the Peloponnesian Wars.

 

ART OF WAR

 

The Greeks in the Persian Wars were almost exact contemporaries of Sun Tzu on the other side of the world, as the Persian Wars commenced a few years before the traditional date given to Sun Tzu’s death in 496 BC – and I’m inclined to favor the Greeks over Sun Tzu when it came to demonstrated art of war in actual history. Winning without fighting is all very well, but sometimes you have little choice but to fight – and to fight in desperate defence against numerically superior forces.

Hence the genius of Greek strategy, consistently fighting at geographical bottlenecks or chokepoints, including the straits of Salamis. Beyond that, the Greeks won because “they avoided catastrophic defeats, stuck to their alliance, took advantage of Persian mistakes” and possessed tactical superiority with their hoplite forces.

 

WORLD WAR

 

Sadly, I think it would be stretching things too far to call the Greek-Persian Wars a world war, even though the Greeks often styled it as the war of one continent against another or East against West, harking back to the legendary Trojan War as its predecessor – a continental front line that was replayed in the Roman-Persian Wars and beyond, as the Persians were replaced by Arabs and Turks.

 

FOREVER WAR –  STILL FIGHTING THE PERSIAN WARS

 

Well perhaps not in the style of the Greek or Macedonian Persian Wars, but Americans might feel they’ve been replaying the Roman-Persian Wars since 1979…

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

Yet another war where the actual outcome seems the implausible alternate history scenario or just outright miraculous – we all know the god Pan won the Battle of Marathon. Io Pan! Io Pan Pan!

I mean, the world’s largest empire in territorial extent at the time – as well as the largest empire by percentage of world population ever – against the small and fractious Greek city states…?

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

Sorry Persia – I know you’re not the weird mutant army featured in the film 300 and indeed one of the great civilizations of ancient history, but the Greeks will always be the good guys to me

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped) (7) Punic Wars – Second Punic War

 

Hannibal crossing the Alps into Italy, 1881 or 1884 book engraving used as public domain image Wikipedia “Hannibal’s crossing of the Alps”

 

(7) PUNIC WARS –
SECOND PUNIC WAR (218-201 BC)

 

“Carthago delenda est” – Carthage must be destroyed!

The wars that defined the Roman Republic and its empire.

Also the most famous historical duel between two rival powers, with the stakes of supremacy to the victor and destruction to the vanquished.

Also arguably the most fiercely fought of Rome’s wars – and the closest it came to defeat in its rise to empire under the republic, with one of its worst defeats in battle of Cannae.

Also a nice polar opposite to the Hunnic Wars in my previous entry (even down to the resonance of their names) – with the rising republic of the Punic Wars at one pole and the falling empire of the Hunnic Wars at the other.

As for the Punic Wars defining the Roman republic and its empire, I know the Punic Wars took place well before the formal Roman empire, but they defined the Roman Republic as an imperial power and laid the foundations for the Empire in its most famous duel for Mediterranean supremacy.

As for that duel, such was its historical fame and potency of its imagery that the Punic Wars have continued to provide metaphors for modern history. “The wars lasted for more than a hundred years (264-146) and were analogous in many respects to later great hegemonic rivalries like the Anglo-French rivalry of the 18th Century and the Cold War, filled as it is with military arms-races, proxy-wars, attacks on regional states, at the end of which there was only a unipolar political landscape”.

Or in other words, the Mediterranean wasn’t big enough for the two of them.

Even in its defeat and destruction by Rome, Carthage provided the metaphor of Carthaginian peace – for “any brutal peace treaty demanding total subjugation of the defeated side” or terms that “are overly harsh and designed to accentuate and perpetuate the inferiority of the loser”, even more so for the subsequent legend that Rome salted the earth. Most famously, it was used by John Maynard Keynes for the Treaty of Versailles after the First World War – inaccurately in my view as a Versailles fan, and dangerously so as it undermined enforcement of the treaty. It’s a pity the term didn’t prompt more like one wry response to Keynes’ usage of it – “Funny thing, you don’t hear much from the Carthaginians these days”.

“Carthage must be destroyed” was the famous catchphrase of Roman senator Cato the Elder, who concluded all his speeches with it, whether it was relevant or not. It’s certainly an icebreaker. I’m thinking of throwing it into all my conversations as well, or hijacking other people’s conversations with it.

Of course, by the time Cato was using it, it was really kicking a man when he was down. Rome had soundly defeated Carthage in the Second Punic War, essentially reducing Carthage to a small harmless shadow of its former territory – and a satellite state under the Roman thumb.

But to Cato, grumpy old curmudgeon that he was, the Carthaginians didn’t have the decency to be poor after their defeat, having far too much wealth when he visited it as a member of a senatorial embassy. And eventually he got his way with the Third Punic War (149-146 BC) and Rome crushed Carthage completely.

The Third Punic War was the somewhat anti-climactic conclusion to the trilogy of Punic Wars. The First Punic War (264-241 BC) was obviously not decisive but certainly interesting with the Romans wrestling Sicily from Carthage – as well as their impressive feat of throwing together a navy mostly from scratch, laying the foundations for Roman naval supremacy, even if that was mostly done through the neat trick of using ships as boarding platforms for infantry combat.

The Second Punic War (218-201 BC) was the big one . You know, the one with the elephants – in the famous crossing of the Alps into Italy, although only one elephant survived.

So while the elephants may not have loomed as large as had been hoped, what did loom large was the Carthaginian invasion of Italy , striking fear into the heart of Rome itself, and even more so the legendary Carthaginian general Hannibal, one of the greatest military commanders in history, with his textbook victory against the Romans at Cannae.

Sadly for Carthage, however, Hannibal was one of my top 10 great military leaders who were actually losers, because he didn’t know to go hard or go home – or rather, to go Rome or to go home, instead wasting his dwindling time and army d*cking around Italy, something of a running theme in that top ten.

Of course, it’s a lot more nuanced than that (particularly when it comes to the role of Hannibal’s leadership) but the Roman general Quintus Fabius avoided major battles and chipped away at Hannibal’s forces in Italy through attrition, while Hannibal’s rival and nemesis, Roman general Scipio Africanus, pulled a Hannibal in reverse by attacking the Carthaginians in Spain and Africa itself.

The Second Punic War also features some of the most famous battles in history – Cannae of course, but also the battles of Trebinia and Lake Trasimene for Carthaginian victories, as well as the battles of the Metaurus, Ilipa and Zama for Roman victories.

 

 

 

 

ART OF WAR

 

Obviously the Romans excelled in the art of war in their empire as a whole, perhaps even more so the Byzantines in Sun Tzu’s definition of the art of war as winning without fighting. An empire doesn’t survive a millennium without a few tricks of political diplomacy or playing enemies against each other up its sleeve.

However, facing Hannibal on their home territory in Italy was not their finest demonstration of the art of war. Reading Roman military history often prompts me to see the Romans as the Soviet Union of ancient history – winning through the manpower to replace one lost legion after another – and never more so than in the Second Punic War against Hannibal, which is eerily reminiscent of a Roman parallel for the Soviets in Barbarossa. Just ask Pyrrhus – who gave the world the term Pyrrhic victory because the Romans could just soak up their losses and keep coming.

This is something of a caricature for the Romans as well as the Soviets winning through brute force of manpower – both of which were as capable of finesse in the right circumstances, usually a combination of good leadership combined with well maintained or experienced forces. And the Roman legion was the finest fighting force of its time, with a discipline and tactical superiority that allowed it to outfight opponents that outnumbered it – as in the Battle of Alesia or Battle of Watling Street. Although one of the greatest strengths of the Roman legion was not so much its skill in fighting but in engineering, again as at Alesia.

 

WORLD WAR

 

It’s a bit hard to label the Punic Wars as a world war, even if was fought between two continents and had global consequences in the rise of the Roman Empire. However, as mentioned before, it had parallels to subsequent global hegemonic conflicts between rival powers.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE PUNIC WARS

 

Well if there’s one thing a Carthaginian peace is good for, it’s for not fighting any more Punic Wars.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

The Punic Wars seem to offer tantalizing glimpses of an alternate history of Carthaginian victory, mostly from Hannibal’s tactical military genius in the Second Punic War – although perhaps the better Carthaginian prospect of victory was in the First Punic War, had Rome not adapted itself to Carthaginian naval superiority.

Ultimately however, such glimpses are illusory, given Rome’s adaptability and unmatched ability to raise armies, with even Hannibal’s military genius just a flash in the pan. As I said, reading Roman military history often prompts me to see the Romans as the Soviet Union of ancient history – winning through the manpower to replace one legion after another.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS AND BAD GUYS

 

Who were the good guys? The Romans obviously! Yes, it’s a bit more nuanced than that – with perhaps not too much to distinguish one from the other, and much to admire about Hannibal. But to quote the Youtube channel Pax Romana, child sacrificer says what? There’s a reason that the name for Moloch has passed into English as a pejorative term – and part of that reason is Carthaginian child sacrifice. No more Moloch!

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – Top 10 Girls of Animation (Updated 2026)

 

Erin Esurance, the animated spy girl mascot of American insurance company Esurance, as she appeared in her short (and short-lived) animated commercials

 

“I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way”.

Counting down my Top 10 Girls of Animation – which was surprisingly challenging as the pool of choice is reduced by the number of potential entries that I feature in other top tens. As a rule of thumb, I’ve given priority to their medium of origin.

For example, female characters from comics adapted to animation were among the leading potential entries but I’ve given priority to their entries in my Girls of Comics. Although ironically Harley Quinn should feature in my Girls of Animation for my rule of thumb of medium of origin – as she originated in an animated adaptation of Batman but proved so popular, she was then introduced into the comics (and also she arguably has arisen to new prominence with her current animated series). But I make my own rules and break them anyway – and she just seemed misplaced anywhere else than in the Girls of Comics.

Similarly, the Disney princesses were also among the leading potential entries, but I’ve given priority to them as Girls of Fantasy & SF for their fairy tales of origin (with the occasional exception in special mention for those characters that are essentially new or substantially adapted from their fairy tale origins).

And finally, this is for Western animation, so does not include any entries for the girls of anime – which has its own Top 10.

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

But first a note on the visual images used in this top ten. Given the copyright in such images, I only use a visual image as fair use for the purposes of comment and review in each entry – an iconic feature image to identify the character, either in general or in their most iconic version as I review it to be (or both), as excerpted from the animation itself.

Iconic perhaps, but not my favorite as I usually prefer the style of fan art or cosplay for the characters – although the girls of Western animation have nowhere near the prolific art or cosplay of the girls of anime, with the occasional exception. Hence as usual I also include a special section in each entry under the subtitle of art and cosplay – not for any actual art and cosplay as such but instead where I nominate my favorite artists and cosplay models depicting the character, which you can look up for yourself. For art, I award a special ranking for any art by my two favorite artists – the two freelance digital artists Sciamano and Dandonfuga. For cosplay, I award a special ranking for any cosplay by my holy trinity of models – my favorite model Yummychiyo with her insane figure in top spot, followed by Hane Ame and Helly Valentine.

As for the iconic feature image I’ve chosen for this page itself and girls of animation in general, I went with Erin Esurance, the spy girl animated mascot of American insurance company Esurance that featured in commercial shorts from 2005 to 2010. They ‘retired’ her in 2010, which some attributed to the zeal of fans making inappropriate art of her, and others to her not being a fit for the ‘brand’ of Allstate, the company that acquired Esurance.

 

 

 

Rumi’s full body profile pic from the Kpop Demonhunters fan wiki

 

 

 

(10) RUMI –

KPOP DEMONHUNTERS (2025)

 

Given my tenth place wildcard entry for Top 10 Animated Films went to Kpop Demon Hunters, who else could be the corresponding entry here but its lead girl with dark secret, Rumi?

“KPop Demonhunters is a 2025 American animated musical urban fantasy film…The story follows a K-pop girl group, Huntrix, who lead double lives as demon hunters. They face off against a rival boy band, the Saja Boys, whose members are secretly demons.”

And really it had to be Rumi, not only as the leader and lead vocalist of Huntrix (whose voice literally saves the world), but also as the film’s protagonist with the film’s defining story arc

It also had its tongue firmly in its cheek with its story. Even the demons laugh at the idea of a demon boy band until the latter strikes a pose – “oh yeah, totally gonna work”.

Also, you gotta love her impossibly long legs and hair in that distinctive braided style.

 

RATING:
X-TIER (WILD TIER)

 

 

 

(9) GWEN TENNYSON – BEN 10 (2005)

 

What can I say? It’s the red hair and those green eyes. (Beware! Beware! Those flashing eyes! That floating hair!)

There certainly is a high representation of redheads in animation and comics (albeit not so much in their adaptations) – there’s two other redheads in this top ten (indeed, in the top three) – For that matter, there’s a whole trope in TV Tropes named for red-haired green-eyed girls.

Admittedly, I am not overly familiar with the Ben 10 franchise, having seen the occasional episode here and there in passing, apparently in the later series. It has five different incarnations – Ben 10, Ben 10 Alien Force, Ben 10 Ultimate Alien, Ben 10 Omniverse, and Ben 10 again – which they missed the chance to call just that, in 2016. However, it is an intriguing concept. The series follows a boy named Ben Tennyson who, on a summer road trip with his grandfather Max and his cousin Gwen, stumbles across an alien device known as the Omnitrix which bonds itself to his wrist like a watch. Ben finds that the device has alien DNA encoded in it, which allows him to transform to a variety of alien species – which he uses to take on any threats that come his way – usually other aliens. As he grows as a hero, Ben learns that he didn’t gain the Omnitrix by coincidence and finds that his family has been involved with aliens long before he has.

Gwendolyne “Gwen” Tennyson – as the Tennyson family obviously likes to rhyme – is Ben’s aforementioned cousin. At the start of the series, she is the same age as Ben (ten years), albeit much more capable than he is – a child prodigy, who can instantly master anything, be it athletics (including martial arts) or academics (and even the Omnitrix itself in an alternate universe). However, the series sees both of them mature into young adulthood (and a less antagonistic familial relationship between them), with Gwen attending college. It also sees Gwen acquire superpowers of her own, through – uh – magic? She discovers her own magical aptitude, which allows her to manipulate energy and be as formidable a hero as Ben himself.

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

For her iconic feature image, I used a clip of her from the Ben 10 Ultimate Alien series used as a feature image in the Ben 10 Ultimate Alien fan wiki.

She has also caught the attention of one of my favorite artists – Neoartcore.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

 

 

 

(8) FOXXY LOVE – DRAWN TOGETHER (2004)

 

A sassy “1970s-style mystery-solving musician who parodies the Hanna-Barbera teen sleuth characters seen on Josie and the Pussycats and Scooby-Doo.”

Cult classic Drawn Together was a reality show parody (initially of The Real World), where eight cartoon characters from different animated genres – parodying both a specific style of animation or animated character and of the stock characters usually put together in reality shows – were forced to live under the one roof in the titular pun of being drawn together.

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

Yeah – there’s some but not too much art or cosplay out there, certainly none from my favorites. As usual for my girls of animation, my iconic feature image is a clip from the cartoon.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

 

 

(7) STRIPPERELLA (2003)

 

Stripper by night. Superhero later at night”.

As its title might suggest, Stripperella was an “adult-oriented animated television series” created by none other than Marvel Comics doyen Stan Lee.

The title character was the superheroine or secret agent alter ego of stripper Erotica Jones, voiced by none other than Pamela Anderson – and essentially an animated version of her as well, down to the tattoos. (So much so that she also played herself in the series, visiting Stripperella’s club Tender Loins with Kid Rock. Needless to say, Stripperella is a big fan and gushes how people compare them in appearance).

Clearly, the series had its tongue firmly in its, or at least someone’s, cheek, as a parody of the superhero and spy fiction genres. I particularly liked the recurring villain, Cheapo – the world’s cheapest supervillain.

As for Stripperella herself, she not only relied on her spy gadgetry, but also a number of inexplicable superpowers (including her luxuriant hair, which also doubled as a parachute) – “she has strength and agility far beyond that of a normal human, she is impervious to all temperatures and weather conditions, and her breasts have the ability to detect when somebody is lying”.

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

Yeah, again – there’s some but not too much art or cosplay out there, certainly none from my favorites. Disappointingly, not even any cosplay from Pamela Anderson herself. As usual for my girls of animation, my feature image is a clip from the cartoon.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

Holli in a clip from her notorious dance scene in the film

 

(6) HOLLI WOULD – COOL WORLD (1992)

 

HOLLI WOULD IF SHE COULD
…AND SHE WILL!

I do like my bad girls and Holli Would is the bad girl at the center of Ralph Bakshi’s 1992 film Cool World – a fantasy film combining live action and animation.

Center? Let’s face it – the only thing anyone ever remembers (or is aware of) from this movie is Holli. To be honest, I’m only aware of the film through my interest in the animation of Ralph Bakshi.

As for the film itself, similar to another more famous film (that just might happen to feature in this top ten), it involves the intersection of our real world with the eponymous animated ‘toon’ world, with the inhabitants of the latter known as ‘doodles’ (while humans are ‘noids’). In a nutshell, a cartoonist finds himself in a cartoon world which he thinks he created from his dreams, where he is seduced by the comic strip vamp Holli – all part of her plot to become a real human (including the inception of the dreams in the cartoonist). Of course, being a bad girl, she doesn’t flinch at murder – or the potential destruction of both worlds – to realize her aim.

It’s even messier than it sounds and gets messier – the film was a commercial and critical failure, although it subsequently achieved something of a cult following.

But who cares? It’s all about Holli! Voiced by Kim Basinger, she was also drawn to resemble her voice actress (not surprisingly, given that Kim Basinger also played her in human form in the film). Her dancing scene was particularly notorious. Speaking of which…

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

Yes – I used a clip from that notorious dancing scene in the film for my iconic feature image. Sadly, although there is art and cosplay of her, there’s none I could find from my favorite artists or models.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

Chel in one of her more expressive clips from the film

 

 

(5) CHEL –
THE ROAD TO EL DORADO (2000)

 

Perhaps the most preeminent pre-Columbian pinup girl of popular culture – with the possible exception of Pocahontas – who throws her lot in with the protagonist Spanish con artist duo in the 2000 Dreamworks film The Road to El Dorado. And yes I know neither is technically pre-Columbian as both are set during European conquest or colonisation but close enough. I’ve certainly had a soft spot for Meso-American girls since – as well as that meme depicting Spanish colonialism being particularly…horny.

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

For my iconic feature image, I’ve chosen one of her more expressive clips from the film (helping the protagonist duo cheat at the native American ball game).

 

ART – DANDONFUGA

 

And finally we get to a girl of animation represented among my favorite artists, not least Dandonfuga – hence she scores my Dandonfuga ranking. There’s also art by Logan Cure, Neoartcore and Elias Chatzoudis.

 

COSPLAY

 

Chel is also represented in cosplay – with cosplay by Nami, due to fan demand given her resemblance to Chel.

 

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

She-Ra as she appeared in her original cartoon in the 80s

 

 

(4) SHE-RA (1985)

 

She’s got the power!

“I am Adora, He-Man’s twin sister, and defender of the Crystal Castle. This is Spirit, my beloved steed. Fabulous secrets were revealed to me, the day I held aloft my sword and said, ‘For The Honor Of Grayskull! I AM SHE-RA!!!’

As TV Tropes notes, She-Ra Princess of Power is the sister series (literally) to He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, presumably because She-Woman and the Mistresses of the Universe sounds a little silly (or kinky). As noted, it is literally the sister series as the titular character is Adora, the twin sister of He-Man or Prince Adam of Eternia. Adora was apparently kidnapped as an infant to the planet Etheria and is subsequently given the power to become the superheroine She-Ra in order to form the planetary resistance against Etheria’s tyrannical ruler Hordak (although by invoking the honor rather than power of Greyskull, which sounds a little off to me).

Yeah, I’m not really up with the backstory of this one – or He-Man for that matter. I mean, come on – they were basically toy commercials! Not to mention vaguely fascistic…

However, they certainly were iconic figures, not least because the animation was to market the toys or so-called action figures for the Masters of the Universe.

Of course, She-Ra was designed to extend the market to the female demographic. To quote TV Tropes – “She-Ra was made specifically to appeal to girls, which explains the large number of mentally and physically strong female characters, like Adora, Glimmer, and Madame Razz, not to mention the vivacious, Zsa Zsa Gabor-like nature of several of them, daaaaaarling — and quite a number of female villains like Shadow Weaver, Scorpia and Catra” (the latter essentially a dark action girl version of She-Ra herself).

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

For my iconic feature image, I chose She Ra as she appeared in her original 1980s cartoon (from the feature image of the Grayskull fan wiki). There is a surprising amount of art and cosplay out there for her – including art from one of my favorites, Elias Chatzoudis, as well as cosplay from another of my favorites, Tabitha Lyons.

 

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

Lana Kane in her iconic mini-sweater dress – I’m pretty sure this is from her very first appearance in the pilot episode

 

(3) LANA KANE – ARCHER (2009)

 

“LAAAAAANAAAA!” Well, it was either that or Sterling Archer’s other favorite quote to her – “Danger zone!”.

Lana Kane is the top female agent in the animated series Archer, second only to the titular spy himself (although a large part of that is due to his mother running the agency), with whom she has a complicated love-hate relationship. She is also the most competent agent, although Archer tends to excel at the stereotypically active role of an agent, killing people and so forth (although a large part of THAT is due to his reckless childlike joy and disregard for his own mortality). However, she is not too different from Archer in that her competence is undermined on occasion by her own emotional or psychological insecurities – she just has less of them than Archer (and a large part of THAT is his mother Mallory).

In appearance, she is statuesque, both in height (six foot or so) and figure, and she dresses to accentuate the latter – her signature style consists of short turtleneck sweater dresses (in various colors but typically white) and thigh-high stiletto boots. Indeed, she always seems to wear heels, even in space. For that matter, even when not wearing outfits tailor made to accentuate her figure, she’ll almost invariably end up in a situation where she’ll be stripped down to her underwear.

Archer even comments on her stripperiffic wardrobe, when he finds himself distracted by her impressive, ah, jiggle physics in the middle of a gunfight, in an example of their characteristic repartee:

Lana: Now?! Really?!
Archer: Oh, right! Because you walked into Strippers Discount Warehouse and said “Help me showcase my intellect!”
Lana: Discount?! This is Fiocchi.

In fairness, every major character in the series commonly ends up in situations where they’ll be stripped down to their underwear or naked. It’s that kind of agency.

Indeed, her memetic attractiveness in the series is such that even the girls want her (most notably her fellow female employees, although they are not the most emotionally balanced individuals). Even the gay guys want her, as when her gay colleague Ray Gillette literally takes a number with the rest of her male employees for the opportunity to bed her – “Girl, please. Nobody’s THAT gay”.

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

I was tempted to use the promotional beach shoot art for her but I just had to go with her iconic mini-sweater dress appearance for my feature image – which I believe to be from her very first appearance in the first episode. There is Lana art and cosplay out there but none from my favorite artists or models.

 

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

Daphne Blake as she appears in the Scooby Doo cartoon – feature image from the Warner Bros Entertainment fan wiki

 

(2) DAPHNE BLAKE – SCOOBY DOO (1969)

 

We all know Scooby Doo, that enduring animated franchise centered on four teenage hippies and the titular talking Great Dane driving around in their “Mystery Machine” van, getting high and hallucinating monsters (not to mention their dog’s speech). “And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!” (Not likely, since the villainous plans always involved impersonating a supernatural being with basic special effects). It’s a cultural icon, man! Even the infamous Scrappy Doo couldn’t kill it, although he came close and became the ultimate archetype of unlikable characters in the process.

And Daphne Blake has been an enduring childhood crush within that franchise. It’s not hard to see why – with her shoulder-length red hair (once again demonstrating the striking prevalence of redheads in animation or comics), blue or violet eyes, hourglass figure – not to mention her distinctive purple skirt and pink tights. On second thoughts, her fashion choice was questionable, but then, so was that of the rest of the cast. I mean – who wears ascots, Fred? Although maybe there’s something in wearing an ascot after all, as Fred always seemed to end up with the girls or at least Daphne herself whenever the group split up to investigate (while Shaggy would invariably end up with Scooby as comic relief, like the sad dog food-eating hippy he was).

Of course, Daphne’s role within the group originally tended to be more decorative than functional – most likely to end up as damsel in distress, often while bound and gagged to boot (because, well, who wouldn’t?), and even nicknamed danger prone Daphne as a result. Fortunately, her character has become somewhat more developed over time – becoming more competent and even badass in various incarnations (interestingly, often in direct contrast to a converse decline in Fred’s competence or badassery).

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

As usual for my iconic feature image, I chose a clip image of her appearance in the animation.

The standout Daphne art from my favorite artists would be by Nathan Szerdy, Elias Chatzoudis, and Neoartcore. As for the standout cosplay by my favorite models, I’ll award that to Tabitha Lyons.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

Jessica Rabbit as she appears in her animated film or shorts – in perhaps her most iconic appearance and pose

 

(1) JESSICA RABBIT – WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT (1988)

 

“I’m not bad – I’m just drawn that way”

Like Wonder Woman for my Top 10 Girls of Comics, could there have been any doubt for the top spot? The top position has to go to THE animated sex symbol, even though her exposure is primarily limited to the animated film Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (and a few other shorts – notably as nurse and park ranger). I only vaguely remember the plot and characters of this film (including Roger himself) – but everyone remembers Jessica.

That is because she is designed as the ultimate fantasy figure drawn as a pinup cartoon – green-eyed and red-haired in that irresistibly rare combination (even more so in her signature pose of hair worn over one eye) and an impossibly accentuated hourglass figure in a slinky red dress. Indeed, she was modelled on classic screen sirens Lauren Bacall, Veronica Lake and Rita Hayworth – apparently face and voice (voiced by Kathleen Turner) on Lauren Bacall, hair on Veronica Lake and dress on Rita Hayworth (in the film Gilda).

As her name indicates, she is the human ‘toon’ wife of the titular Rabbit. Although she is a sultry nightclub singer literally drawn as a femme fatale of noir, she actually plays against the type in film (as opposed to the original book) – she is indeed a good girl deeply in love with her ‘honey bunny’. Why? He makes her laugh. (She also proudly lets slip that he’s a much better lover than driver).

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

Of course for my iconic feature image, I chose an image of her from her animation – in perhaps her most iconic appearance and pose (although I was tempted by her nurse or park ranger costumes).

 

ART – DANDONFUGA

 

And not surprisingly for my top spot we get to a girl of animation represented among my favorite artists, not least Dandonfuga – hence she scores my Dandonfuga ranking. There’s also art by Elias Chatzoudis, Sun Khamunaki, J. Scott Campbell, Logan Cure, and Neoartcore.

 

COSPLAY – HELLY

 

And also for my top spot we finally get to a girl of animation represented among my holy trinity of cosplay models, hence she scores my Helly ranking for cosplay by Helly Valentine.

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****
S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

 

 

 

 

GIRLS OF ANIMATION: TOP 10 (TIER LIST)

 

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

(1) JESSICA RABBIT – WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT

 

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

(2) DAPHNE BLAKE – SCOOBY DOO

(3) LANA KANE – ARCHER

 

B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

(4) SHE-RA

(5) CHEL – THE ROAD TO EL DORADO

(6) HOLLI WOULD – COOL WORLD

(7) STRIPPERELLA

(8) FOXXY LOVE – DRAWN TOGETHER

(9) GWEN TENNYSON – BEN 10

 

X-TIER (WILD TIER – BEST OF 2025)

(10) RUMI – KPOP DEMONHUNTERS

 

 

Top Tens – Top 10 Subjects of History

Franz Luyckx paining ca 16601677 – Still life with a globe, books, shells and corals resting on a stone ledge

 

 

TOP 10 SUBJECTS OF HISTORY

 

 

It’s another top ten on the spot, a shorter shallow dip as opposed to a longer deep dive – and in this case intentionally reminiscent of my Top 10 Subjects of Mythology.

And like that top ten, it prompts the obvious retort that’ll be a shallow dip indeed – it’s history, innit? Historical events, people, and places. Historical wars and empires.

 

Or historical babes in the excellent words of Bill and Ted –

“Bill: We gotta go, this is a history report, not a babe report!

Ted: But Bill, those are historical babes!”

 

Setting aside that I do indeed have a historical babe report, history has more permutations than that. I’m not just talking subjects within history, such as the Roman Empire or the Second World War, but getting meta with subjects of history – as history meaningfully overlaps with or includes many other subjects that are interesting of themselves.

The subject of history in its broadest sense is perhaps straightforward enough – “the systematic study and documentation” of the human past or past events. Beyond that, it gets a little tricky with all the permutations of the various subjects of history or even the concept of history itself – so many permutations that, well, you get this top ten.

 

History repeats itself – the first time as tragedy, the second time as farce.

History does not repeat but sometimes it rhymes.

History is just one damned thing after another.

 

I was tempted to add repetition or rhyme, tragedy or farce, and one damned thing after another to the subjects of history from these three of my favorite quotes about it – although I kind of do for one thing after another in my first entry. Speaking of which…

 

 

(1) CHRONOLOGY (TIME)

 

 

It may be basic but chronology – placing events, people, and places in time – is the foundation of history, its skeleton or bare bones.

It can lapse into, as Toynbee quipped, just one damned thing after another – rote repetition of dates, or as Toynbee intended it as criticism, historians who simply seek to chronicle history rather than analyze it.

But it’s hard to analyze history if you don’t chronicle it first – that is, place it in time or in chronological sequence. It’s hard to identify the themes of history – cycles and pattern, plot and rhythm, cause and effect, or in the famous phrase of Toynbee, challenge and response – if you don’t have it in chronological sequence first.

 

 

(2) GEOGRAPHY (SPACE)

 

 

History is as much a matter of placing things in space as it is in time – geography as much as chronology.

I’m not just talking physical geography, the geography of “natural features such as landforms, climates, soils, water, and ecosystems” – although that is surprisingly significant as a recurring factor in history.

I’m talking human geography, the interaction of physical geography with humanity – “human societies, cultures, economies, and political systems, and how they interact with the environment”. You can write whole global histories essentially of human geography, as Felipe Fernandez-Armesto did in “Civilizations: Culture, Ambition and the Transformation of Nature”.

Just to illustrate geography as a subject of history, one need only think of the prevalence of maps in history, extending to entire historical narratives depicted through the medium of a historical atlas or map animation.

 

 

(3) PHILOSOPHY (MIND)

 

 

“History is philosophy teaching by examples.”

The third dimension of history – after placing things in space and time, history is a matter of placing them…in mind.

That is, placing them in thematic narrative – history for which the central theme is identifying, well, the themes of history, its cycles and patterns, its plot and rhythm. History never repeats but sometimes it rhymes.

“History is an academic discipline which uses a narrative to describe, examine, question, and analyze past events, and investigate their patterns of cause and effect. Historians debate which narrative best explains an event, as well as the significance of different causes and effect. Historians debate the nature of history as an end in itself, and its usefulness in giving perspective on the problems of the present.”

Ultimately thematic narratives involve philosophy, particularly political philosophy or ideology, as a subject of history – or history as a subject of philosophy.

When it comes to philosophy and history, I have a soft spot for one of the big three classical philosophers, Aristotle, in his “Poetics” proposing “the superiority of poetry over history because poetry speaks of what ought or must be true rather than merely what is true.”

 

 

(4) DEMOGRAPHICS (PEOPLE)

 

“Birth, and copulation, and death

That’s all the facts when you come down to brass tacks”

 

Well that along with numbers and movement of people and populations. Historical nations or states mostly seem fleeting crystallizations among amorphous tribal migrations until overwhelmed by one invasion or another. History also seems to flow to tides of fertility and mortality.

Of course, actually doing demographics for historical periods or populations tends to be highly approximate estimates – indeed, even for our own with all our censuses and other instruments of demographics.

 

 

(5) ECONOMICS (MONEY)

 

“Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God… but they all worship money.”

You could say that history is basically just economics with the first states based on grain agriculture and writing originating as their ledgers or records, ultimately giving rise to written history.

That is only more so with the development of money – indeed, it’s striking how often money in the form of coins is literally an important historical source – and even more so with modern industrialization, coinciding with economics itself as a field of study.

Of course, most pre-modern historical states seem to have only the most rudimentary grasp of economics, such as the Roman Empire and the constant debasement of its currency, and achieving economic growth only through higher population or sacking other states.

Historian Arnold Toynbee “made the case for combining economics and history in his study of the Industrial Revolution” – “I believe economics today is much too dissociated from history…We see abstract propositions in a new light when studying them in relation to historical facts. Propositions become more vivid and truthful…The habits of mind it instils are even more valuable than the knowledge of principles it gives. Without these habits, the mass of their materials can overwhelm students of historical facts.”

Like demographics, however, actually doing economics for historical periods or states tends to be highly approximate estimates.

 

 

(6) ARCHAEOLOGY

 

“You call this archaeology?”

Arguably the archetypal subject of history, although sadly almost entirely unlike its most famous cinematic version, Indiana Jones – fewer Arks of the Covenant or Holy Grails and more painstakingly putting together pieces of pottery. Also, it is as much the province of prehistory as well as history – or even more so since by definition prehistory precedes written records, extending all the way back to the origin of homins.

Where history tends towards the study of written records, archaeology is the study of physical remains or ruins, recovered from or in the locations that preserved them, typically subterranean or underground.

“Archaeology…is the study of human activity through the recovery and analysis of material culture. The archaeological record consists of artifacts, architecture, biofacts or ecofacts, sites, and cultural landscapes”.

As such, archaeology supplements history nicely, confirming historical records, or even supplants it altogether, where historical records are deficient or entirely absent.

In looking up archaeology for this entry, I was amused to find out that the first archaeology and archaeologist are now themselves archaeological – Nabonidus, the last king of the Neo-Babylonian Empire, discovering and analyzing in 550 BC the foundation deposit of Naram-Sin, ruler of the Akkadian Empire, from 2200 BC.

 

 

(7) ANTHROPOLOGY

 

“Anthropology is a very important field of study.”

“(Laughs) I’m pretty sure someone’s named all the different spiders…”

“That’s arachnology!”

“(Laughs even more) I know – equally huge waste of time.”

 

The cruel jibes of Archer at anthropology aside, you can argue for it as a subject of history to rival archaeology – or vice versa, history as a specialized subset of anthropology.

“Anthropology is the scientific study of humanity…concerned with human behavior, human biology, cultures, societies, and linguistics, in both the present and past”. The overlap with history is obvious, particularly when it comes to the past.

 

 

(8) SOCIOLOGY

 

From anthropology to sociology – the latter seems as much a subject of history to rival the former, or vice versa, history seems as much a specialized subset of sociology as of anthropology.

After all, a description of sociology is almost identical to that of anthropology, except with social used as recurring adjective – “Sociology is the scientific study of human society that focuses on society, huma social behavior, patterns of social relationships, social interaction, and aspects of culture associated with everyday life”.

 

(9) PSYCHOLOGY

 

History is just psychology writ large, isn’t it?

The only question is whether it is Freudian or Jungian…

I mean, some of Freud’s books read not so much as individual psychology but collective or historical psychology, most notably Civilization and Its Discontents. Einstein even corresponded with Freud as to the psychological explanation for war. Jung’s concepts are arguably even more so for collective rather than individual psychology – he even coined the collective unconscious as one of his central concepts.

You can take that further by proposing the “psychology” of nations and states, as some historians seem to lapse into doing, or even of entire cultures and civilizations as Oswald Spengler did.

And then there’s historical movements and periods as psychological states. I’ve always had a fascination for mass hysteria in history – and they don’t call it the Great Depression for nothing!

It prompts to mind the (science) fictional psychohistory of Isaac Asimov’s Foundation series, capable of predicting future events down to their precise timing, through mathematics and statistical analysis applied to collective human psychology on a social scale.

Interesting, psychohistory is proposed as a real life field of study – “blending psychology and history to analyze unconscious motives in historical events”.

On the other hand, in the absence of any clinical or formal assessment, psychoanalysis of historical figures can only be estimations or projections, even for those figures with extensive biographical documentation.

 

 

(10) ECOLOGY

 

Arguably a permutation of geography as a subject of history (and vice versa) or placing things in space as well as time – history as a matter of placing things in nature or the natural world.

Alternatively styled as environmental history – “the study of human interaction with the natural world over time, emphasising the active role nature plays in influencing human affairs and vice versa”.

For me, the most interesting aspect of ecology as a subject in history is “the environment as an active agent in history, not just a passive stage, studying phenomena like natural disasters, climate change, and resource depletion”.

And the environment can be an active agent in history, indeed – for example, Kyle Harper’s The Fate of Rome proposes that Rome fell from climate and pandemic, adversaries entirely different and far more destructive than Rome’s human adversaries to which the fall is usually attributed.

“The subject matter of environmental history can be divided into three main components” – the first as nature itself and its change over time or impact on humans, the second as the human use of and impact on nature, and the third as how people think about nature over time, “the way attitudes, beliefs and values influence interaction with nature, especially in the form of myths, religion and science”.

 

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped) (8) Hunnic Wars – Hun Invasion of the Roman Empire

 

 

Total War Attila game box art

 

(8) HUNNIC WARS –
HUN INVASION OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE (440-453)

 

A horse blitzkrieg of mounted nomadic tribes from the Eurasian steppes and the most formidable one prior to the Mongols, founding an empire that should be ranked as the fourth great empire of late antiquity and menacing the other three – Persian Empire as well as eastern and western Roman empires – in turn.

To be honest, purely on their own merits of military conquest, I’d rank the Mongols over the Huns. It’s hard to argue with the world’s largest contiguous land empire – and second largest empire in all history. While both shared the historical infamy of being extremely barbaric and ruthless towards their adversaries, albeit almost a millennium apart, the Mongols seemed to rely more on strategy than savagery. Both the Huns and Attila acquired such a reputation for savage barbarism that Kaiser Wilhelm sought to invoke it for his German soldiers in the Boxer Rebellion – which of course backfired as the Allies happily used it as a pejorative term for the Germans in the world wars. Although I have to admit Attila being identified as the Scourge of God earns him badass points. The Mongols also seem more diversified in the number of their skilled leaders and commanders beyond Genghis Khan and his death – while the success of the Huns seems largely focused through the charismatic leadership of Attila himself, with the Hunnic empire rapidly disintegrating after his death.

On the other hand, I have this chronological ranking going among the top tier entries of my top ten – and the Huns do predate the Mongols. However, it’s more than a matter of mere chronology – the Hunnic Wars also overlap with the decline and fall of the Roman Empire, itself ranking as god tier special mention to my top ten, arguably more so than any other war. To pit the Mongols against the Romans is often the ultimate fantasy match of military history – I always recall that very proposal in a pulp science fiction novel of my youth – and the Hunnic Wars is the closest you get to that scenario, albeit the Roman Empire in terminal decline rather than its prime. (Spoiler – the Mongols actually did overlap with the Roman Empire, as in the surviving eastern Roman Empire or Byzantine Empire, but more as allies). And from a Eurocentric perspective, the Hunnic Empire was more in Europe itself, with both a seat of power and range of penetration much further west than the Mongols ever did.

I also have a romantic soft spot for the Battle of the Catalaunian Plains in Gaul or France as the heroic last stand of the Roman Empire, although that may be more legend than history – on par for me with the final battle of King Arthur against Mordred at Camlann, particularly as depicted in the film Excalibur, to the stirring choral music of Carmina Burana and Arthur thankful for the mist so that their enemy “may not see how few we are”. Aetius as Arthur, yo! Although in fairness, that was few in Romans, with Aetius relying less on mystical mist and more on his Visigoth and other Germanic allies to make up numbers.

Although truth be told, the real heroic stand and final battle that doomed the Hunnic Empire was the Battle of Nedao in 454, where they were defeated by their former Germanic vassals. The Huns took one last shot at the eastern Roman Empire under one of Attila’s sons in 469, vanishing from history with their defeat.

Their origin is even more mysterious – with some theories resembling an extent almost as wide as the Mongols, particularly those theories that linked them to the Xongniu and other nomadic peoples that menaced China, often stylized as Huns, such as in the Disney version of Mulan. They are also often linked to other nomadic tribes, sometimes also stylized as Huns, that menaced the Persian Empire and even India.

The only clear history of the Huns seems to be that they emerged east of the Volga from about 370, soon conquering the Goths and other Germanic tribes to forge a vast dominion essentially along the Danube on the borders of the Roman Empire – ironically driving the fall of the Roman Empire even before they invaded it, as the various Germanic tribes that invaded or settled in the Roman Empire were fleeing the Huns.

Ultimately however the Romans had to face off the fearsome Huns themselves – and that is where my romantic soft spot for last stands come in, as the Romans managed to mobilize themselves one last time to hold off the Huns. Firstly, however, the Huns turned on the more robust eastern Roman Empire, invading the Balkans and threatening the capital Constantinople, with little to stop them until the emperor opted for the pragmatic policy of paying tribute for peace. The Huns then invaded the western Roman Empire in 451, with Attila claiming the sister of the western Roman emperor as his bride and half the empire as his dowry – with some fairness, as she had swiped right on him in preference to her betrothal to a Roman senator. However, there the Huns encountered the general Flavius Aetius, often hailed as “the last of the Romans”. That’s right – this is an Aetius fan account.

Ironically, Aetius had effectively risen to power by relying on the Huns as his allies. Now he had to face off against his former allies as Attila invaded Gaul, drawing on the waning resources of an increasingly vestigial empire to field one of its last major military operations in alliance with the Visigoths and its other Germanic allies – and won, defeating the Huns at the Battle of the Catalaunian Plains.

Or not, as historians dispute how conclusive a victory it was. Certainly Attila and the Huns withdrew from Gaul, only to invade Italy the following year – with there was little Aetius could do to stop them there, except for the Pope to ask Attila nicely if he would leave without sacking Rome.

Surprisingly, it worked – Attila left Italy (albeit more for lack of supplies and expectations of tribute), never to return as he died the following year, aborting his plans for a further campaign against the western empire – as with the Mongols, Europe was saved from invasion by a fortunately timed death (from Attila partying too hard celebrating his latest wedding to his hot new bride).

 

ART OF WAR

Certainly the Huns demonstrated the art of war, despite their reputation for savage barbarism. At a tactical level, they had the usual mobility, speed, surprise and shock of the steppes horse blitzkrieg – while strategically, they also sought out ways of winning without fighting through tribute and political alliances.

As for the Romans, they might have excelled in the art of war at the height of their empire, perhaps even retained their tactical skill towards the end, but just had too few legions as they struggled to mobilize any army.

 

WORLD WAR

The decline and fall of the Roman Empire – and the Migration Period or barbarian invasions – might be considered to be on the scale of a world war, but is a little too piecemeal in space or time.

I also like to think the Huns might also qualify as precursors of the Mongols on a similar world scale, but their origins – and links – to people identified as Huns in China, central Asia, Iran and India is not clear.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE HUNNIC WARS

Well, not so much the fighting the Huns, vanishing as they did from history, but perhaps still living in the decline of empire…

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

Almost up there with the Spanish Conquest of the Aztec Empire for a war where the actual outcome seems the implausible alternate history victory scenario – the Hunnic defeat at the Battle of Catalaunian Fields seems genuinely miraculous as does the Hunnic withdrawal from Italy the following year, except even more so from the sheer papal mojo of Leo as Roman imperial envoy.

However, historians debate whether the Battle of the Catalaunian Fields was indeed a Hunnic defeat, and defeat or victory, whether it was indeed of historical importance. Similarly, historians debate the actual reasons and historical importance for the Hunnic withdrawal from Italy.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

Sorry Huns – that reputation for savage barbarism may be unfair and overstated, but when it comes to classical history, I usually side with the Romans, particularly in the fifth century.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped): (9) Spanish Conquest of the Americas – Conquest of the Aztec Empire

 

The 1521 Fall of Tenochtitlan by Spanish Conquistador Hernán Cortés, from the Conquest of México series – oil on canvas 17th century (public domain image)

 

(9) SPANISH CONQUEST OF THE AMERICAS –
CONQUEST OF THE AZTEC EMPIRE (1519-1521)

 

Remarkable for just how few Spanish forces conquered such a populous empire in such a short span of time (as it was with the conquest of the Inca Empire).

The Spanish Conquest of the Americas – la Conquista by the conquistadors – falls within the broader native American wars. Indeed, it and the American Indian Wars might be regarded as the two poles of native American wars – whereas the American Indian Wars fall at the tail end of them, the Spanish Conquest is at their very head.

It also propelled Spain, something of a peninsular backwater in Europe that had only just reconquered all its territory from Islamic conquest to the first world maritime superpower.

As for which Spanish conquest to nominate for this entry, I’ve gone with the conquest led by Hernan Cortes of the Aztec Empire. After all, it was either that or the close second for the conquest by Francisco Pizarro of the Inca Empire – and the conquest by Cortes was the influence and model for the latter, as well as effectively the springboard of the whole Conquest of the Americas, at least on the mainland.

Population estimates of the Aztec Empire prior to its conquest vary but generally seem to be about 10 million people, while Cortes had 508 soldiers in his expedition.

And he was lucky to get away even with that, as he set sail only just evading the Governor of Spanish Cuba revoking his commission, as it had become obvious that Cortes had something far more audacious in mind than mere exploration or trade. Cortes also famously scuttled his ships after arriving in Mexico, so that his forces could not retreat and had no other option but to fight.

Of course, Cortes’ forces did have some qualitative advantage of technological superiority. It is tempting to see it purely in terms of the first element of Jared Diamond’s titular trinity of guns, germs and steel – guns.

The Spanish certainly had guns, even cannon, and while the latter gave a useful advantage to the Spanish, I’m not sure I’d want to face down a fanatical horde of Aztec warriors in close combat with my inaccurate sixteenth century muzzle-loading single-shot musket, let alone whatever an arquebus is.

Far more useful were the Spanish crossbows and of course the third element of trinity – steel, in their armor and weapons, which the Aztecs lacked. More useful yet were the 16 horses of the expedition, as the Aztecs (and the Americas) were utterly without and therefore unfamiliar with horses, so that the Spanish cavalry had a real impact of shock and awe on the Aztecs. Probably with less impact but fascinating to me was the Spanish use of war dogs.

Another qualitative advantage was leadership. While Cortes had no experience, he proved himself a capable and charismatic military commander, while the Aztec emperor Moctezuma or Montezuma was generally perceived as weak or hesitant, even by the Aztecs.

Cortes was so capable and charismatic, that he defeated the larger Spanish force sent to retrieve him and then talked its soldiers and cavalry around to joining his conquest. However, this expanded Spanish force was still pitifully small compared to the Aztecs, even with its technological and tactical superiority

Which is where the second element of Jared Diamond’s trilogy was probably decisive – germs. The Aztecs are estimated to have lost almost half their population to smallpox from the Spaniards by the last year of the conquest and Cortes’ assault on their capital.

God and the gods also played their part. Faith in God was an important part of motivation and morale for the Spanish and not least Cortes himself in their conquests, coming as they did on the heels of the Reconquista of Islamic Spain.

One factor may or may not have played a part, reported by Cortes himself, was that he was seen as the return of the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl – but it is disputed as to whether or what extent the Aztecs actually believed this, and impossible to know its effect on them even if they did.

Another factor that certainly did play its part was that of the old saying that behind every great man is a woman. Malintzin, a slave-woman “gifted” to the Spanish with her own gift for languages, who became Cortes’ interpreter, diplomatic adviser and mistress – and who might well be hailed as co-conquistador.

Malintzin was an instrumental part in the true reason for the Spanish victory other than disease – that the Spanish force didn’t win it as such, but rather led the much larger winning force consisting predominantly of their native American allies against the Aztecs.

The Aztecs had their own bloody sacrificial empire that was still new and expanding just prior to the Spanish conquest – for which they were absolutely hated by many or most of their imperial subjects, at least some of whom were all too happy to ally themselves with the Spanish to overthrow the Aztecs.

 

ART OF WAR

Well obviously when your forces of a few hundred (or few thousand with reinforcements) defeat an empire of millions in a few years, you’re doing something right in the art of war.

And partly this would seem to be down to factors you can’t plan or even predict according to Sun Tzu – good fortune, and even more so, the boldness it favors. Say what you will about Cortes but he had cojones.

Of course, partly this would seem to be down to factors you can draw from Sun Tzu – subterfuge, diplomacy or alliances, and capturing enemy leaders or holding them hostage.

 

WORLD WAR

The Spanish Conquest was the decisive landmark in what might be described, in its total scope, of a world war as the powers of one continent commenced their conquest of two others – the world war that started all the world wars of European maritime empires.

Even more as the Spanish conquest extended beyond the Americas to Asia (where the Spanish conquered the Philippines) and Africa, not least in the slave trade to the Americas.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE SPANISH CONQUEST

While the Spanish empire in the Americas fought for and (mostly) won its independence, the Spanish conquest casts a long shadow in Latin America – with native American resistance persisting even today, as with the Zapatistas in Mexico.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

From the American Indian Wars as least plausible for alternate history victory scenarios among my top ten, we go to the Spanish Conquest of the Aztec Empire as the war where the actual outcome seems the utterly implausible alternate history victory scenario.

There are simply no parallels to just how lopsided the Spanish victory was in their conquest of the Aztec Empire, conquering an empire of millions in less than three years with forces numbering only in the hundreds – or three thousand at their most numerous. Of course, part of that was that the Spanish effectively led a revolt by far more numerous native American allies, another part was the Spanish advantages in guns and steel or above all germs, and yet another part was the Aztec disadvantage of “an inherently unstable system vulnerable to a loss of prestige under even moderate challenges”.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

Modern historical perspective tends not to favor the Spanish as the good guys, although this is often disputed as a continuation of so-called Black Legend of anti-Spanish history – with some fairness. On the other hand, of all people the Spanish conquered, the Aztecs qualify the least as good guys, although again often disputed as historical propaganda against them – with some fairness.

Probably the only people who unambiguously qualify as the good guys are the indigenous population of Mexico caught between the two empires as one conquered the other.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped) (10) American Indian Wars – Sioux Wars

 

Custer’s Last Charge – entered according to act of Congress in the year 1876 by Seifert Gugler & Co. with the librarian of Congress at Washington D. C. (public domain image – “Sioux Wars” Wikipedia)

 

(10) AMERICAN INDIAN WARS –
SIOUX WARS (1854-1891)

 

The wars that defined the American West and ‘manifest destiny’ of the United States. The wars that put the frontier into Turner’s frontier thesis, as its literal frontier – or front line.

In origin they predate the United States itself, extending to the European colonial powers or American states prior to independence (or union). The American Revolutionary War and War of 1812 were also American Indian Wars, as the British and Americans each had their native American allies.

They were of existential importance to the native American nations or tribes, given that they ceased to exist as independent polities outside of reservations or territories within the United States, if at all. They were also of fundamental importance to the United States as well, given its “acquisition” of territory from those same tribes or nations.

Hence the span, scale and scope of the American Indian Wars in total extends for centuries across a continent. So as for which American Indian War to nominate for this entry, I’ll go with the archetypal or definitive entry, particularly from their place in the culture, history and mythology of the American West – the Sioux Wars.

Even those extended for almost half a century from the First Sioux War in 1854 to the Ghost Dance War in 1891 (and through the Great Plains but as also as far as Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado), with the most definitive Sioux War as the Great Sioux War of 1876 fought by two of the most famous native American war leaders, Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse.

The Sioux Wars feature the archetypal or definitive image of the American Indian Wars fought by mounted native American warriors as well as many of the landmarks of the American Indian Wars – from Colonel Chivington and the Sand Creek Massacre, through the Battle of Little Bighorn and General Custer’s Last Stand, to the Ghost Dance and the Wounded Knee Massacre.

However, the American Indian Wars take their place as wars within even wider themes – indeed, among the widest and oldest in human history.

Firstly, there is the theme of wider native American wars, which the native American nations or tribes found themselves fighting in for half a millennium throughout both American continents against the European colonial powers or their settler successor states, including my next entry.

Secondly there is the theme of wars against tribal nations or tribes, not only in the Americas but worldwide. I’ve heard it said that the basic political states are empires and tribes (or tribal confederacies). That seems somewhat overstated, but certainly tribes or tribal nations throughout the world found themselves under fire in the same period – in the Americas, in Africa, in Siberia and Central Asia, and in Australasia or Oceania.

Thirdly – and overlapping with the previous theme – is the longest theme or war of all, spanning millennia, the wars of sedentary agricultural societies or states against nomadic hunter-gatherers. And it is a war that, despite setbacks at the hands of mounted nomadic herding tribes, has been overwhelmingly won by agricultural states – riding roughshod over the nomadic hunter-gatherers at their frontiers, through their weight of numbers and the things that come with it, the titular “guns, germs and steel” of Jared Diamond.

Even the ghost dance falls within those wider themes over millennia – and millennialism. Of course, I tend to think of all religion as a ghost dance, but particularly so when societies face overwhelming material odds against them and essentially resort to magic to win wars.

And it’s not always tribal societies. The Boxer Rebellion was essentially the Chinese ghost dance – as was the Taiping Rebellion before it, a conflict that tends to be strangely overlooked in history, despite more casualties than the First World War. Of course, the Taiping or Boxer Rebellions show that the ghost dance can get a few good punches (heh) in before it goes down, but it is almost universally doomed to go down, except in fantasy.

Although occasionally even in history the ghost dance wins its weird victories. One tribal confederacy or kingdom that popped up during a power vacuum in its region, but then found itself progressively overwhelmed by successive empires until it existed at the whim of a final one, also resorted to a ghost dance that increasingly substituted heavenly victory for an earthly one.

That of course was the Jewish tribal confederacy or kingdom and its great messianic ghost dance, existing at the whim of the Roman Empire. The Jewish kingdom itself did not survive the Roman Empire, but its ghost dance did – ultimately succeeding first to the imperial cult of the Roman Empire, and then to the remnants of the imperial state itself.

 

ART OF WAR

The Sioux tactically demonstrated the speed, surprise and shock that is part of the art of war – indeed, similarly to the mounted horse tribes of central Asian steppes that were so effective elsewhere, not surprisingly given the geography of the Plains.

The only problem was they were too little and too late – a few centuries too late, against an industrial adversary that used the true strategic art of war (for winning without fighting) – picking curb stomp battles from a position of overwhelming material superiority.

It also demonstrates something of an issue for guerilla warfare. Guerilla warfare is often touted as the ultimate expression of the art of war – and it often is, avoiding pitched battles to outlast the adversary, but it had one limitation, particularly in pre-modern history.

Mao Tse-Tung wrote that “the guerilla must move amongst the people as a fish swims in the sea” – which is all very well unless your opponent is willing and able to drain the sea, displacing or eliminating the whole people (or at least enough of them).

 

WORLD WAR

Not of themselves, but the Sioux Wars and the American Indian Wars were part of a wider world war in its total scope, the native American wars as one continent descended on two others

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE AMERICAN INDIAN WARS

We’re still fighting the American Indian Wars – or rather their legacy, although in some cases native American wars are still being fought in the Americas. The American Indian Wars persisted in actual warfare until 1924 (!) – and subsequently in the form of the new and more effective ghost dance of political activism.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

Alternate history victory scenarios seem almost totally impossible for the American Indian Wars – which had the literal Ghost Dance and were the ghost dance writ large, with the native Americans facing overwhelming material odds against them. The ghost dance can go down swinging, even getting in a few good punches or punching above its weight as it does, but it is almost universally doomed to go down, except in fantasy where magic works.

Perhaps if the native American tribes had been more a united front against the United States, perhaps if they had outside allies willing or able to aid them against the United States in the long term, and above all, perhaps if they’d taken their chances against the colonies from the very outset or the Americans had lost the Revolutionary War, things might have been different but it seems a long shot against the pervasive defeats of similar peoples throughout history.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

Ah USA – although it’s difficult to imagine the contemporary United States without the American Indian Wars, it’s equally difficult to see the US as the good guys from our modern perspective.

 

RATING: 4 STARS*****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Monday Night Mojo – Top 10 Music (Mojo & Funk): Special Mention (Mojo) (3) Radiohead – Paranoid Android

Shot from the animated music video

 

 

(3) MOJO: RADIOHEAD – PARANOID ANDROID (1997)

B-Side: Just (1995)

 

“When I am king, you will be first against the wall

With your opinion which is of no consequence at all”

 

And so Radiohead anticipated all political arguments on the internet…

Radiohead moved from their alternative rock origins to a more “echoey, operatic rock” in their landmark 1997 album, OK Computer, although I always find a combination of melancholy and barely or mostly suppressed anger in the lyrics and persona of its distinctive lead singer Thom Yorke.

Paranoid Android” was the lead single from OK Computer. Its title, taken from Marvin the Paranoid Android in Douglas Adam’s The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series, bears little relation to the “darkly humorous lyrics…written primarily by singer Thom Yorke following an unpleasant experience in a Los Angeles bar”. The song fused together parts from different songs each written by a different member of the band, Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” for the nineties as it were, even if the band denies that as their intent (although it was an influence) – “not unlike ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ being played backwards by a bunch of Vietnam vets high on Kings Cross-quality crack”.

And the lyrics bear little relation to the surreal animated video, commissioned by the band from Magnus Carlsson, Swedish creator of the animated series Robin, using the title character and his friend from the series – the band deliberately didn’t send Carlsson the lyrics (to avoid too literal a video) and so the concept for the video was based entirely on the song’s sound. The band make a cameo appearance in the video as animated versions of themselves in the bar (although without too much verisimilitude, particularly given the style of animation). I also remember a rumor that one of the characters in the video was meant to be a caricature of then Russian President Boris Yeltsin.

As my B-side entry, I have a soft spot for their single “Just” from their 1995 album The Bends (the preceding album to OK Computer). While I do like the song itself, including its lyrical attack on narcissism (“you do it to yourself”), my soft spot particularly comes from the combination of the song with its musical video.

 

“Yes, I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you why I’m lying here… but God forgive me… and God help us all… because you don’t know what you ask of me.”

 

And as for the balance of my Top 10 Radiohead songs:

 

(3) Go to Sleep (2003)

(4) Karma Police (1997)

(5) Everything in its Right Place (2000)

(6) Street Spirit (Slow Fade Out)

(7) Subterranean Homesick Alien (1997)

(8) I Might Be Wrong (2001)

(9) Pyramid Song (2001)

(10) There There (2003)

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped) – Introduction

 

One of the most iconic photographs of war – Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima by Joe Rosenthal of the Associated Press

 

TOP 10 WARS – REVAMPED!

 

Yes – I’ve done this before but this time it’s revamped!

Admittedly not by much – the top ten entries remain the same (as opposed to my special mentions where I throw in a few revised entries) but I have shuffled a couple of entries slightly in placement order.

I’ve also added a new rating within each entry. To my previous four ratings for each entry – art of war, world war, forever war or still fighting the war, and just war (or good guys and bad guys) – I’ve added a new alternate war rating for plausible alternate history victory scenarios.

Finally, I was prompted to revamp my Top 10 Wars as I am drafting my Top 10 Warfare list – ranking my top ten types of warfare in history.

 

Anyway, here’s my original introduction (with alternate war ranking added):

 

I’ve always found wars a fascinating subject of history, from the comfortable armchair of hindsight and the fortunate perspective of being well removed from any firsthand experience of them. History, particularly military history, has always been something of a hobby of mine. So of course I have ranked my Top 10 Wars of history.

Just some notes – these are not ranked by scale of destruction or historical impact, although I’d like to think that most or all of my entries would rank highly by those criteria. They are also not ranked by moral justifiability or in terms of being ‘good’ wars, to the extent that such a term can be used for wars, if at all. Rather, they are ranked in terms of historical interest to me and I tend to be interested in the broader themes of history, so I have preferred a broader classification of the wars in each entry, although I do nominate individual wars (or conquests or invasions) within each entry.

 

Just some further notes – I have some ratings within each entry:

 

ART OF WAR

Rating the wars by the art of war shown in them, typically by the victors of course, albeit based on my more idiosyncratic application of Sun Tzu’s Art of War.

 

WORLD WAR

Rating the wars by their scale – some wars might well be considered world wars (or at least part of world wars) beyond the two twentieth century wars formally designated as such, from World War Zero to World War X.

 

FOREVER WAR / STILL FIGHTING THE WAR

Rating the wars by their span, particularly for those wars we are arguably still fighting.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

Rating the wars by their plausible alternate history victory scenarios – that is, how plausibly they could have gone the other way.

 

JUST WAR (GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS)

Perhaps most controversially, rating the wars by taking a shot at choosing moral sides or nominating the good guys and bad guys – or not, since history usually does not repay moral judgements.

 

So these are my top ten wars in history. You know the rules – this is one of my deep dive top tens, counting down from tenth to first place and looking at individual entries in some depth or detail of themselves.