Top Tens – Mythology: Top 10 Mancy (Special Mention) (20) Nymphomancy

 

(20) NYMPHOMANCY

Bow Chicka Wow Wow

Yes – I am a nymphomancer. No – I refuse to elaborate. I’ve already said too much.

For mine is the adventurous bed and questing beast, deus sex machina and hieros gamos.

And yes – it is part of my rule in my top tens to throw in a kinky entry amidst my wilder special mentions, usually as my final (twentieth) special mention, at least where the subject matter permits.

Although seriously, there is quite a bit of justification for sex in divination or magic – and even more potential for it in fantasy. I mean, I’m pretty sure I could adapt most of Dungeons and Dragons to nymphomancy.

RATING: 4 STARS****
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Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Worst Roman Emperors (Special Mention) (15) Tetrarchy

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome: Diocletian’s Tetrarchy

(15) TETRARCHY –
SEVERUS II, MAXIMINUS II, LICINUS, MAXIMIAN & GALERIUS
(286-324 AD)

For all that the Tetrarchy ended the Crisis of the Third Century, it didn’t see the end of the empire’s civil wars or problems of imperial succession – just fewer of them as historian Adrian Goldsworthy pointed out, in a more muted form of the crisis. The Tetrarchy itself devolved into civil war, with Constantine as ultimate victor.

That’s because the Tetrarchy was a bit of a hot mess, albeit less of a mess than the Crisis, when Diocletian wasn’t around to hold the hands of his co-emperors (except of course for Constantius and his son Constantine) – mostly because of the quality of these guys as his co-emperors, almost as hopeless as the archetypal Crisis emperors, with most of them ultimately proving to be only foils to Constantine in one form or another.

It’s even something of a hot mess just to explain, as you have at least four emperors milling around – the empire administratively divided into eastern and western empires, with a senior emperor or augustus, and a junior emperor or caesar (as successor in waiting to the senior emperor) in each, not counting other claimants popping up.

So again I ranked them all within the one special mention, but here goes ranking them against each other within the special mention.

SEVERUS II
(306-307: 8 MONTHS – WESTERN EMPIRE)

Really, I might well have ranked this guy among those short-lived emperors in my Crisis of the Third Century special mention.

Essentially a stooge of the emperor Galerius placing his nominees within the Tetrarchy to play it in his favor – Diocletian reportedly snorted at Galerius’ nomination of Severus “What! That dancer, that habitual drunkard who turns night into day and day into night?”

However, Galerius got Severus in as junior co-emperor or caesar to Constantius in the western empire – and Severus proved to be a foil to Constantine indirectly from the very outset, with Galerius nominating Severus as senior western emperor or augustus to trump Constantine when Constantius died and the British legions acclaimed Constantine as emperor. Constantine accepted the position of junior emperor or caesar in the westen empire.

That didn’t work out too well for Severus, who proceeded to get trounced by the revolt of Maxentius claiming the throne in Italy with the support of his father Maximian. Severus’ army deserted him to Maxentius when he besieged the latter in Rome, he fled to Ravenna, surrended to Maximian and was killed thereafter

MAXIMINUS II / MAXIMINUS “DAZA”
(310-313: 3 YEARS – EASTERN EMPIRE)

Somewhat better than Severus and similarly a placeman of Galerius, albeit with a closer connection as the nephew of Galerius, he divided the eastern empire between his co-emperor Licinus and himself.

And proved to be something of a foil for Constantine, albeit indirectly through the latter’s alliance with Licinus. When Constantine and Licinus began to make common cause, Maximinus allied with the usurper Maxentius in Italy of all people. He then got utterly trounced by Licinus in battle and fled defeat to die ignominously.

LICINUS
(308-321: 15 YEARS 10 MONTHS 8 DAYS – WESTERN AND THEN EASTERN EMPIRE)

Speaking of Licinus, he was a reasonably shrewd if ruthless operator – until of course along came Constantine. Part of that ruthlessness was seeking out and killing relatives of the Tetrarchs, including Diocletian’s wife and daughter.

Licinus was another colleague of Galerius, who essentially elevated him to senior western emperor or augustus to replace Severus and to oppose Maxentius in Italy, albeit he was also essentially limited to the provinces under his immediate command in the Balkans. Not for long though, because he added the European part of the eastern empire to his domain (which was officially the western empire) when Maximinus II divided up the eastern empire with him when Galerius died.

Licinus and Constantine allied with each other against Maximinus and Maxentius. Licinius trounced Maximinus in the east and Constantine trounced Maxentius in Italy – which greatly simplified the Tetrarchy leaving the last two emperors standing, with Constantine as sole western emperor and Licinus as sole eastern emperor. No prizes for guessing how that turned out – the inevitable civil war between them, albeit with pauses of peace or treaties, which Constantine ultimately won and had Licinus executed after tha latter attempted to regain power with support from…the Goths. The barbarian horror of it all!

MAXIMIAN
(286-305: 19 YEARS 1 MONTH – WESTERN EMPIRE)
(306-308: 2 YEARS – ITALY BUT I’M NOT REALLY COUNTING THIS BOTCHED USURPATION)

Ah – Maximian, the archetypal emperor of the Tetrarchy who really was a bit of a disaster without Diocletian holding him by the hand, despite basically being Diocletian’s main partner as co-emperor, augustus of the western empire while Diocletian was augustus of the eastern empire.

I mean he just seemed to go from one royal screw-up to the next, particularly towards the end – which seems to make Diocletian acclaiming him as the Hercules to Diocletian’s Jupiter something of a joke. In fairness, Maximian was a competent soldier – the origin of Diocletian giving him the title of Hercules as the brawn to Diocletian’s brains – particularly against the German barbarians menacing the western empire (and also in Africa against the barbarians raiding the empire there).

Where to begin? Well, it all pretty much went downhill for Maximian when his naval commander Carausius rebelled and claimed Britain and coastal Gaul for the so-called Britannic Empire. Maximian botched the naval invasion to restore it to the Roman empire, losing the fleet in the process and thereafter had something of a tacit truce with Carausius. However, Diocletian was having none of that and sent in Constantius as junior emperor or caesar of the western empire to clean up Maximian’s mess.

It gets worse – after Diocletian made Maximian join him in abdicating and retiring from their position as augusti, Maximian’s worthless son Maxentius revolted to usurp the throne in Italy, so of course Maximian joined the revolt as co-emperor to his son, only to fall out with his son and be forced from Italy. He sought refuge with Constantine – “the only court that would still accept him” – only to unsuccessfully rebel against Constantine and be left with no other option than suicide.

GALERIUS
(305-311: 6 YEARS – EASTERN EMPIRE)

In fairness, I might have ranked Galerius somewhat higher, as he led a pretty good campaign against the Sassanid Persians prior to his reign as emperor – albeit characteristically after initially botching it and being bailed out by Diocletian.

After Diocletian abdicated, Galerius became senior emperor or augustus of the eastern empire (with Constantius as augustus of the western empire). Galerius tried to mastermind the Tetrarchy in the same way as Diocletian but just couldn’t pull it off.

Indeed, his efforts saw its most confusing array yet, with more emperors than before or subsquently, in what might well have been called the Year of Seven Emperors – Galerius himself as augustus in the east, Maximinus II as caesar in the east, Licinus as augustus of the west in the Balkans, Constantine now with Maximian in train in the west, Maxentius in Italy and Domitius Alexander in Africa.

Also, like his stooge Severus, he failed to suppress the revolt of Maxentius in Italy, his campaign making little headway until he was forced to withdraw, barely persuading his troops not to desert him – although unlike Severus at least he was able to withdraw with his troops and life intact.

He also went all-in on Diocletian’s persecution of Christians – indeed being attributed as the driving force behind it – despite having to subsequently admit its failure.

However, at least he was one of the few leaders of the Tetarchy not to die in its civil wars – but instead dying horribly of disease.

RATING: 2 STARS**
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