Top Tens – Girls of Fantasy: Top 10 Girls of Fantasy & SF

Collage of the five faces from each of The Five Faces of Hecate I-V by my favorite fantasy artist Luis Royo, as fair use representation of the full artworks (collected in his Subversive Beauty art book and available as limited edition prints), arguably among his most iconic art (as well as my favorite)

 

 

Yes – I can find Fantasy Girls anywhere, so it’s not surprising I find them in fantasy itself. Fantasy, that is, as in literary fantasy & SF – as distinct from my preceding fantasy girl top tens for the girls of comics, video games, anime and animation, all of which can well be characterized as predominantly fantasy or SF.

Note that reference to literary – this top ten is for the girls from fantasy or SF literary works, not those of fantasy or SF in cinema or television, with a couple of caveats. The first caveat is that they may be adapted by other media – and let’s face it, that’s where I  get the visual representations in art or cosplay that are a large part of my rankings – although my rule remains that they originate in literary fantasy or SF works. The second is that I have extended my special mentions to include girls from cinematic or television fantasy, albeit typically franchises that have an ‘expanded universe’ in other media, often including books.

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

But first a note on the visual images used in this top ten. Given the copyright in such images, I only use a visual image as fair use for the purposes of comment and review in each entry – an iconic feature image to identify the character, either in general or in their most iconic version as I review it to be (or both), typically excerpted from their adaptations on screen or in comics (surprisingly prevalent for my top ten entries).

As usual I include a special section in each entry under the subtitle of art and cosplay – not for any actual art and cosplay as such but instead where I nominate my favorite artists and cosplay models depicting the character, which you can look up for yourself.

As for my iconic feature image, it was a close call with my other favorite fantasy artist Frank Frazetta, but I went with a collage I compiled of the five faces from The Five Faces of Hecate I-V by my favorite fantasy artist Luis Royo, as fair use representation of the full artworks (collected in his Subversive Beauty art book and available as limited edition prints), arguably among his most iconic artwork (as well as my favorite).

Although…shouldn’t it be the three faces of Hecate, as she is normally associated with a trinity (such as the Hecate Sisters trope in TV Tropes)? In which case, I’ll go with III-V (or the three on the right) as my favorites.

 

 

 

 

(10) IMPERATOR FURIOSA

 

My usual rule is to award my wildcard tenth place entry to the top entry for the previous or current year – where the subject permits that is, which is surprisingly tricky when it comes to my Top 10 Girls of Fantasy & SF. Remember this top ten is for the girls of literary fantasy & SF. Hence all other entries in my top ten originate in literary works, but if I am to keep my rule for wildcard entry as best of the previous or current year – and have some art, cosplay or visual representation for it – that entry has to be an exception as one from fantasy or SF in other media. (In fairness, I have separate special mentions for fantasy or SF in other media).

Hence I’m going with Imperator Furiosa, introduced in the 2015 Mad Max Fury Road film and played by Charlize Theron – as there was the prequel film in 2024 with a younger Furiosa played by Anya Taylor-Joy. Sadly, it did not do well commercially in theaters, which I think did not reflect its quality as a film – I liked it, even if it (inevitably) fell short of the Fury Road film.  And let’s face it – I have a thing for Taylor-Joy and whatever it is about her fey eyes that appeals to me. Although that could be partly that she or her body double seem to have a thing for stripping off in her films.

As for the character of Furiosa, you can’t help but admire a girl who through sheer force of will and toughness seems to have risen through the ranks of post-apocalyptic warlord Immortan Joe to become his War Captain – only to turn around and stick it to the man, absconding with his “wives”.

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

For my iconic feature image, I’ve gone with a clip of her from the trailer, showcasing those distinctive intense eyes framed by face paint, all shiny and chrome! (Taylor-Joy’s performance necessarily had to rely on the expressiveness of her eyes, given the minimalist dialogue and that her face is masked to a large degree, by war paint or otherwise).

No art or cosplay for her yet, at least from my favorite artists or models.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
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Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen in the different styles of costume as she appeared in the TV series

 

(9) DAENERYS TARGARYEN –
A SONG OF ICE & FIRE / GAME OF THRONES (1991-? /2011-2019)

 

Like the unfinished book series or the poorly finished TV series, Daenerys Targaryen may not have stuck the landing – dare I say it, the King’s Landing (heh) – but she still rules the Iron Throne of my ninth place entry.

Daenerys Stormborn. Daenerys of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name. The Queen Across the Sea, Lady Regnant of the Seven Kingdoms, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, the Unburnt and above all, Mother of Dragons.

And since this is for my top ten girls of literary fantasy & SF, the entry goes to the silver-haired violet-eyed Daenerys Targaryen from the books (albeit somewhat older than when we first meet her – and when she is married off to Khal Drogo – in her early teens).

Daenerys is frequently hailed as the most beautiful woman in the world – and is the stuff of fantasy even there. (In the television series, a harlot cosplays as her, to a hearty cheer of “Mother of Dragons”).

Of course, it is not simply her appearance, but her character as one of the most badass and kickass females in fantasy, before she was brought low by the final seasons of the TV series.. Initially a meek and timid girl abused by her creepy older brother Viserys, she is married off to Khan Khal Drogo for the promise of his (Mongol) Dothraki army in the reconquest of the Seven Kingdoms. However, she takes her position of Khaleesi thrust upon her (literally in the person of Khal Drogo) and makes it her own – eating a raw stallion heart, foretelling that her son will be the Stallion That Mounts the World. Unfortunately, things don’t quite work out that well as she loses both husband and son, but she emerges as the closest thing the series has to a superhero – mother to three dragons and conquering queen at the head of her army. (Unfortunately, she then spends an interminable amount of time sitting around the conquered city Meeren, although given how the TV series handled her return to Westeros, perhaps she should have stayed there).

Her superhero status is also demonstrated as one of the few characters with a strong moral compass, again before that compass was thrown out the window by the TV series – particularly as that feature usually marks one out for an early (and typically grisly) death in the first few seasons.

As Tyrion Lannister summed her up with his usual eloquence:

“I know that she spent her childhood in exile, impoverished, living on dreams and schemes, running from one city to the next, always fearful, never safe, friendless but for a brother who was by all accounts half-mad…a brother who sold her maidenhead to the Dothraki for the promise of an army. I know that somewhere upon the grass, her dragons hatched and so did she. I know she is proud. How not? What else was left to her but pride? I know she is strong. How not? The Dothraki despise weakness. If she had been weak, she would have perished with Viserys. I know she is fierce. Astapor, Yunkai and Meeren are proof enough of that. She has survived assassins and conspiracies and fell sorceries, grieved for a brother and a husband and a son, trod the cities of slavers to dust beneath her dainty sandalled feet.”

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

For my iconic feature image, I’ve gone with a collage of Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen in the different styles of costume through the TV series (from the Game of Thrones subreddit), although I remain disappointed she did not have violet contacts.

 

ART – DANDONFUGA

 

Whoa – she scores my Dandonfuga ranking for Dandonfuga’s art of her, evoking the style of a Disney princess. There’s also Neoartcore art of her.

 

COSPLAY

 

No cosplay of which I know from favorite models, although I have seen good cosplay of her. However my favorite ‘cosplay’ of her may well be Emilia Clarke’s body double Rosie Mac.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
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Galadriel as she was portrayed by Cate Blanchett in the cinematic trilogy directed by Peter Jackson

 

 

(8) GALADRIEL –
THE LORD OF THE RINGS (1954)

 

“Do you like what you doth see . . . ?” said the voluptuous elf-maiden as she provocatively parted the folds of her robe to reveal the rounded, shadowy glories within. Frito’s throat was dry, though his head reeled with desire and ale.

She slipped off the flimsy garment and strode toward the fascinated boggie unashamed of her nakedness. She ran a perfect hand along his hairy toes, and he helplessly watched them curl with the fierce insistent wanting of her. “Let me make thee more comfortable,” she whispered hoarsely, fiddling with the clasps of his jerkin, loosening his sword belt with a laugh. “Touch me, oh touch me,” she crooned.

Frito’s hand, as though of its own will, reached out and traced the delicate swelling of her elf-breast, while the other slowly crept around her tiny, flawless waist, crushing her to his barrel chest. “Toes, I love hairy toes,” she moaned, forcing him down on the silvered carpet. Her tiny, pink toes caressed the luxuriant fur of his instep while Frito’s nose sought out the warmth of her precious elf-navel.

“But I’m so small and hairy, and . . . and you’re so beautiful,” Frito whimpered, slipping clumsily out of his crossed garters. The elf-maiden said nothing, but only sighed deep in her throat and held him more firmly to her faunlike body. “There is one thing you must do for me first,” she whispered into one tufted ear.

“Anything,” sobbed Frito, growing frantic with his need. “Anything!”

She closed her eyes and then opened them to the ceiling. “The Ring,” she said. “I must have your Ring.” Frito’s whole body tensed. “Oh no,” he cried, “not that! Anything but . . . that.”

“I must have it,” she said both tenderly and fiercely. “I must have the Ring!”

Frito’s eyes blurred with tears and confusion. “I can’t,” he said. “I mustn’t!”

But he knew resolve was no longer strong in him. Slowly, the elf-maiden’s hand inched toward the chain in his vest pocket, closer and closer it came to the Ring Frito had guarded so faithfully…

*

Yeah, that’s not Galadriel. Nor is it The Lord of the Rings, as you might have guessed from the substitution of Frito for Frodo (and boggie for hobbit). It’s from the parody Bored of the Rings. Actually, it’s from the teaser ‘excerpt’ in the prologue – which, as part of the joke, is not in the book itself (much to my bitter disappointment). But it totally should be Galadriel! When the Fellowship of the Ring see Galadriel in her elven queendom of Lothlorien, they all collectively exclaim “phwoar!” Well, not quite, but they do talk a lot about her afterwards.

Galadriel herself needs little introduction to fans of the literary or cinematic trilogy – the predominant female character in Lord of the Rings, the elven Lady of Lothlorien. Galadriel is probably the most powerful of the elves in Middle Earth in Lord of the Rings – and wields the most powerful elven artifacts, one of the three elven Rings of Power (Nenya, the Ring of Water) as well as her Mirror.

However, Galadriel is more than just the most powerful elf in Middle Earth. She embodies the divine feminine in it, with her pervasive spiritual presence in the narrative. Indeed, with her many titles of the Lady (Lady of Lorien, Lady of the Golden Wood, Lady of Light) show the influence or at least an echo of the Virgin Mary from Tolkien’s Catholicism – Our Lady of Middle Earth. Like the Virgin Mary, she intercedes rather than actively wields power in the War of the Ring (unlike, say, Eowyn, who punches out the Lord of the Nazgul). However, her intercession does provide critical help, without which the Ringbearer’s Quest would have failed.

Sadly, the elves, as the most powerful magical beings in Middle Earth (and wielders of the only Rings of Power outside Sauron’s control) tend not to actually do anything in the War of the Ring other than prance about their woods and go West – and Galadriel is no exception.

As awesome as her intercession or spiritual presence was, it would have been even more awesome if she had played an active role – like joining the Fellowship. It is clear enough in the books that she wielded magical power of extraordinary magnitude. The cinematic version of Middle Earth made explicit what was implicit in the books – that when faced with Sauron (or the One Ring), she could transform into a practically omnipotent being of unfathomable power. In the third Hobbit movie, we all saw her kick Sauron’s ass (at Dol Goldur) all the way back to Mordor – and wondered why we didn’t see any of that in The Lord of the Rings.

Or even darker (and sexier), if she had indeed taken the Ring for herself when Frodo had offered it to her. Instead, all she gave us was a mild teaser of her power – from the book “In place of the Dark Lord you will set up a Queen! And I shall not be dark, but beautiful as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me and despair!”

Ah – did anyone else in the audience other than me think that would have been AWESOME! Or was as excited by the prospect of this elven goddess as Dark Lady. Only me? Surely not! Long live the Dark Queen!

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

For my iconic feature image, I’ve gone with what has become the archetypal screen portrayal of her by Cate Blanchett in Peter Jackson’s cinematic trilogy.

No art or cosplay for her yet, at least from my favorite artists or models as far I’m aware.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
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Variant cover art by Dan Panosian of Belit for the Conan comic issue 6 published by Titan Comics 3 January 2024

 

(7) BELIT –
CONAN: QUEEN OF THE BLACK COAST (1934)

 

Before Bond girls, there were Conan girls – and I couldn’t have a Top 10 Girls of Fantasy & SF without an entry for one of them. But which one?

Well, obviously it’s Belit but why? One problem as a starting point is that due to Bond being a high profile media franchise with many movies – in which the Bond girls are a core element – the Bond girls are far better known than their Conan counterparts. I anticipate most people could name at least one Bond girl, but sadly the Conan girls do not have the same profile.

The most well known Conan girl would be Red Sonja…except that she’s only a Conan girl in the comics, proving so popular as to earn an enduring title in her own name. She was adapted from one of Robert E Howard’s stories, but not from his Conan stories – instead, she was Red Sonya of Rigatino, a sixteenth century Polish-Ukrainian warrior-woman with a grudge against the Ottoman sultan, well after Conan’s legendary ‘prehistoric’ setting (“before the oceans drank Atlantis”). As this top ten is for literary fantasy or SF, I don’t feature her here – although of course I do feature her in my Top 10 Girls of Comics, in third place (and goddess-tier) no less.

There’s Valeria, Conan’s lover and fellow adventurer in the 1982 film Conan the Barbarian, who was so awesome that she even helped Conan in spirit form after her death – “Do you want to live forever?”. Unlike Red Sonja, Valeria was adapted from her namesake Conan girl in the story “Red Nails”, but was somewhat different from her literary character – indeed, borrowing elements from none other than Beli (so much so that some thought she was Belit as she was not named onscreen as Valeria until the sequel).

“Who is Bêlit?” The wildest she-devil unhanged…She is called the queen of the black coast.””

Which brings me to Belit as my entry – and it’s nice to see that she also has Red Sonja’s she-devil epithet!

What more can I say than she’s a pirate queen? And although she only appears in one story, that story was named for her? And what a story – widely regarded as being one of the best Conan stories. Also this is how she is described in her first appearance:

“She turned toward Conan, her bosom heaving, her eyes flashing. Fierce fingers of wonder caught at his heart. She was slender, yet formed like a goddess: at once lithe and voluptuous. Her only garment was a broad silken girdle. Her white ivory limbs and the ivory globes of her breasts drove a beat of fierce passion through the Cimmerian’s pulse, even in the panting fury of battle. Her rich black hair, black as a Stygian night, fell in rippling burnished clusters down her supple back. Her dark eyes burned on the Cimmerian”.

Or in other words – phwoah!

And she just gets steamier from there. Note that she wears nothing but jewellery and that silken girdle – although that comes off quickly as she entrances Conan mid-battle with him and performs a mating dance, which they consummate right there on deck, in front of her crew. Like Valeria in the Conan film – who arguably adapted Belit more than she did her own story namesake – Belit’s so awesome that she returns from death in spirit form to aid him.

“There is life beyond death, I know, and I know this, too, Conan of Cimmeria — my love is stronger than any death! I have lain in your arms, panting with the violence of our love; you have held and crushed and conquered me, drawing my soul to your lips with the fierceness of your bruising kisses. My heart is welded to your heart, my soul is part of your soul! Were I still in death and you fighting for your life I would come back from the abyss to aid you — aye, whether my spirit floated with the purple sails on the crystal sea of paradise, or writhed in the molten flames of hell! I am yours, and all the gods and all their eternities shall not sever us!”

And she damn well does, by Crom!

Bêlit herself is among Howard’s best known characters despite only appearing in this one story – she’s been named among the best female pirates in fiction.

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

For my iconic feature image, I’ve chosen the glorious cover art of her by Dan Panosian for the Conan comic. Well, iconic for me at least and for the version of her in comics, which is somewhat different from the ivory-skinned version of her in the story (as you can see from the description of her in the quoted passage). Some art does lean more into that ivory-skinned description of her.

Other than Dan Panosian, while there is obviously art of her in comics, none by my favorite artists or cosplay models as far as I’m aware.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
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Jane looking good and all damselly in distress in comic cover art by Lucio Parrillo for Dynamite Entertainment’s Lord of the Jungle issue 5

 

(6) JANE PORTER –
TARZAN OF THE APES (1912)

 

“Me Tarzan, You Jane”.

Of course, that’s the broken English of the barely articulate screen version of Tarzan, as opposed to the literary Tarzan, but Jane Porter is consistently the love interest of Tarzan throughout Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Tarzan series and its adaptations in other series. Indeed, she was his love interest from the very first Tarzan book, Tarzan of the Apes in 1912, subsequently his wife and mother of their son Korak. In her first appearance, she was a blond teenage girl, 18-20 years of age. She was also a conventional literary damsel in distress but subsequently became “an educated, competent and capable adventuress in her own right, fully capable of defending herself and surviving on her own in the jungles of Africa”.

I find it interesting that the romance between Tarzan and Jane is a trans-Atlantic one – with the former a British aristocrat (Lord Greystoke), albeit raised as a feral child by apes, and the latter an American, like Burroughs himselfm but from Baltimore in Maryland and daughter of Professor Archimedes Q. Porter. I also find it interesting that the literary Jane was blond, consistently with most jungle girls in comics, but tends to be brunette in her cinematic or television adaptations.

She’s also one of two literary creations by Edgar Rice Burroughs in this top ten and probably the better known or with the higher profile of the two, but I just have to rank the second Burroughs girl higher in my next entry…

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

For my iconic feature image, it was a narrow win over some of her portrayals in film (okay, one of them – Margot Robbie) but ultimately her appearances in comics cover art won out, with Lucio Parrillo’s characteristically gorgeous painted cover art featuring Jane with Tarzan for the fifth issue of Dynamite Entertainment’s Lord of the Jungle comics series.

Sadly, despite her prolific appearances in other media, she just doesn’t seem to attract art or cosplay by my favorite artists (other than Parrillo) or models. Perhaps it’s the lack of a distinctive signature costume, with the closest being to such a costume being her appearance in yellow dress in the Disney film.

 

RATING:
B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

 

Warlord of Mars comic cover art by Ed Benes

 

 

(5) DEJAH THORIS –
A PRINCESS OF MARS (1912)

 

Dejah Thoris is the love interest of John Carter, the Confederate Civil War veteran, who is transported by astral body projection to Mars, or as its inhabitants call it, Barsoom, in Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Mars series. Dejah is, however, no mere love interest – as the title character of the first book, A Princess of Mars, she is indeed the princess of the Martian kingdom of Helium, a kingdom of the so-called Red Martians (as opposed to the other Martian races). In appearance, she is essentially human but for her red skin, and of renowned beauty throughout Barsoom:

“And the sight which met my eyes was that of a slender, girlish figure, similar in every detail to the earthly women of my past life… Her face was oval and beautiful in the extreme, her every feature was finely chiselled and exquisite, her eyes large and lustrous and her head surmounted by a mass of coal black, waving hair, caught loosely into a strange yet becoming coiffure. Her skin was of a light reddish copper color, against which the crimson glow of her cheeks and the ruby of her beautifully molded lips shone with a strangely enhancing effect. She was as destitute of clothes as the green Martians who accompanied her; indeed, save for her highly wrought ornaments she was entirely naked, nor could any apparel have enhanced the beauty of her perfect and symmetrical figure.”

Or in other words, phwoar! No, really – that is essentially the reaction of the male population of Barsoom, regardless of Martian species. (As her Comicvine entry dryly captions her image – coveted by all). As the above quotation indicates, she is particularly stripperiffic – indeed, she makes a stripper look over-dressed by comparison, with no clothing except for some body jewellery and heels (because a Martian princess has to wear high heels). However, in this, she is typical of the Martian population. Indeed, what is it with aliens and nudity? ET, the Greys – they all have the technology to cross interstellar space but walk around naked? Is that why Earth is left alone, because we’re too uptight in a galaxy of alien nudists? Of course, that might explain the probing. Anyway, it certainly has made Dejah popular with fantasy and comics artists, although challenging to find art in which she does not appear too naked.

Oh – and she lays eggs. Given that she’s clearly mammalian, I guess that makes her some sort of monotreme, like a platypus or echidna. Eggs or not, if our first contact is not with aliens like the Red Martians or at least Dejah Thoris, I’m going to be bitterly disappointed…

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

For my iconic feature image, it was a hard choice but I decided that her art by Ed Benes for the cover of the Warlord of Mars comic published by Dynamite Entertainment captured her best, partly because it emphasises her literal Red Martian skin tone.

Sadly no art by my favorite artists Sciamano and Dandonfuga but many of my other favorite artists in comics have tried their hand at her on pinup covers for Dynamite Entertainment – foremost among them Lucio Parrillo, but also J. Scott Campbell, Elias Chatzoudis, Nathan Szerdy, Ale Garza, and Josh Burns.

As you can imagine, there’s little cosplay for her – literary fantasy tends to be outranked by comics, video games and anime for cosplay. Yes – Disney took a shot at a cinematic version of her in a John Carter film but sadly it flopped. Also, her stripperiffic costume compounds the lack of cosplay as only the better and braver models could pull it off.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
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J Scott Campbell art from his Fairytale Fantasies calendar series

 

 

(4) WENDY DARLING –
PETER PAN (1904 PLAY)

 

JM Barrie is best known for the eponymous trickster hero Peter Pan in his original play and novels, as well as a source of subsequent adaptations, allusions and inversions in popular culture – “a playful demigod, with aspects of Puck and Pan” and “a cultural symbol of youthful exuberance and innocence”. However, Peter’s Edwardian English companion, Wendy Darling (or Wendy Moira Angela Darling), is also one of the icons of fantasy and might well be argued to be the true protagonist of the stories. Wendy’s most iconic visual imagery owes itself to her animated Disney adaptation – with her blue nightdress, blue ribbon and brown hair.

The elements of Peter Pan have lent themselves readily to adaptation and popular imagination – Neverland, the Lost Boys, pirates, Captain Hook, the crocodile, mermaids and fairies (with their magical pixie dust). Wendy’s role in the stories are as its most developed and mature character. While she is a lover of childhood stories, particularly about Peter Pan himself, her adventures with him from their outset involve her in a more mature role caring for the other characters, including sewing Peter’s shadow back to him. Not surprisingly, she ultimately embraces growing up and returns with her brothers to her family in England. (Of course, popular culture has offered different interpretations of Wendy – I have a soft spot for the blonde ‘Lost Girl’ of Zenescope Comics’ Neverland).

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

For my iconic feature image, I went with the older (and blonder?) version of her in art by J. Scott Campbell for his Fairytale Fantasies calendar series – which in turn adapts the depiction of her in her blue nightdress from the Disney animated Peter Pan film.  There’s also Zenescope Entertainment and the various artists used by them for their pinup cover art in their Neverland comics series – where she’s definitely blond (and very much a buxom adult version of the character).

Apart from that, no art or cosplay from my favorite artists or models.

She was also a close call with the other girls of Neverland, Tinkerbell and Tigerlily – particularly the former – but Wendy just seems a more substantial character (and is also keeping in theme with my next entries).

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****
S-TIER (GODDESS-TIER)

 

J Scott Campbell art from his Fairytale Fantasies calendar series

 

 

(3) DOROTHY GALE –
THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ (1900)

 

“I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore”

Dorothy Gale is one of the iconic fantasy females, even if more from the 1939 cinematic adaptation than the original novel The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum. Through her adventures with their vivid imagery and characters, not least the central trio of her companions in the original novel and cinematic adaptation (the Scarecrow, the Tinman, and the Cowardly Lion), Dorothy has been a source of adaptations and allusions throughout popular culture.

Dorothy is fundamentally (mid-western) American, befitting the protagonist of what was intended as a modern American fairy tale. She’s a Kansas farm girl (although she subsequently becomes a princess of Oz and lives there – in the numerous sequels), an orphan raised by her Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, with her equally iconic dog Toto. Famously, she and Toto are swept up in a tornado to the Land of Oz.

However, Dorothy is more iconic in popular culture through the 1939 cinematic adaptation (portrayed by Judy Garland) than her original novels. Her appearance was never set out in the books, so that her cinematic appearance has become iconic – although it did retain the literary description of her clothing as her trademark blue and white gingham dress. Otherwise, the film condensed the novel – but most significantly altered the ending, that it was all just a dream – unlike the original novel, where it was all definitely real.

Dorothy’s adaptations in comics, such as those featured here, have of course in the tradition of comics tended to depict an adult (and buxom) Alice in darker fantasies (with titles such as The Warlord of Oz or the Witch-Queen of Oz). They tend to keep her blue and white clothing, just less of it – it’s definitely not Kansas any more!

A particularly apt adaptation for this American fairy tale involved Dorothy as a Western gunslinger with her horse Toto and guns with ruby-colored handles (and bullets) – titled The Wicked West (of course!)

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

Similarly to my previous place entry, for my iconic feature image I went with the adult version of her in art by J. Scott Campbell for his Fairytale Fantasies calendar series, which in turn adapts her cinematic appearance in (brunette) hairstyle and clothing – although the latter seems faithful to her blue and white gingham dress from the book. (If you’re looking for those signature ruby slippers – remember she got them from the Wicked Witch of the East once in Oz, or more precisely that the Good Witch Glinda magically transported them from the dead witch to Dorothy’s feet. Also the ruby slippers are from the film – in the book they’re silver shoes).

And again Zenescope Entertainment has various artists used by them for their pinup cover art in their Oz comics series or spin-offs, including Keith Garvey, Eliaz Chatzoudis, and Ale Garza. Interestingly, the Zenescope design often features a visual design closer to Daisy Duke, particularly with the shorts (albeit with clothing still usually in blue and white).

Sadly, no cosplay from my favorite models – literary fantasy just doesn’t compete in cosplay with video games or anime.

 

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****
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J Scott Campbell art from his Fairytale Fantasies calendar series – so iconic they made a statue out of it!

 

(2) ALICE –
ALICE IN WONDERLAND (1865)

 

“Curiouser and curiouser”…

Few fantasy females are as iconic as Alice, the protagonist of Lewis Carroll’s classic Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and its sequel Through the Looking Glass (although the two books are often merged in popular culture) – although her iconic visual imagery owes itself to her animated Disney adaptation, which “has done the most to fix her image, to wed her firmly to a blue dress and white pinafore, to blonde hair” (and blue eyes). Through the vivid imagery or encounters of her adventures, as well as their potential symbolic allusions, Alice has lent herself readily to adaptation and popular imagination.

Of course, the original literary protagonist was a Victorian era child of 7 years age, but she wins the silver medal of my top ten on the strength of her allusions and imagery in popular culture, extending to adult characters and adaptations (as in the fantasy art in this feature).

Allusions to Alice have earned their own trope on TV Tropes, which notes that the original novels can be associated with surreal or psychedelic fantasy, drug imagery (as in Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit), gothic horror and other aspects of Victorian England, such as steampunk.

As TV Tropes notes, “the name ‘Alice’, when used in a reference to Alice in Wonderland, therefore tends to be used for fantastical, ethereal characters or concepts, and that goes double if her last name is a variation on Carroll” (or Liddell – but more about that later). Other frequent references include white rabbits or going down the rabbit hole (as in The Matrix) – into a world of the hero’s journey that doesn’t conform to real world logic (and in which our heroine has to use intuition, a good heart, and an ability to acquire allies).

Not to mention white rabbits, cats and tea parties – or Mad Hatters.

As for Alice herself, Lewis Carroll described her (when writing on her personality in “Alice on the Stage”) as “wildly curious, and with the eager enjoyment of Life that comes only in the happy hours of childhood, when all is new and fair, and when Sin and Sorrow are but names — empty words signifying nothing!”. I can’t think of a better – or more endearing – description than that.

For Carroll, there was, at least to some extent, a real Alice – Alice Pleasance Liddell, who inspired Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, when she asked Carroll to tell her a story on a boating trip in Oxford. The extent to which his character can be identified with Alice Liddell is not clear (and the brunette Liddell certainly did not resemble the blonde illustrations in the original book by cartoonist Sir John Tenniel). However, there are direct links to Liddell in the books – they are set on her birthday and her half birthday six months later (with the corresponding age), they are dedicated to her and the letters of her name are featured in an acrostic poem in the sequel.

As Catherine Robson wrote in Men in Wonderland – “In all her different and associated forms—underground and through the looking glass, textual and visual, drawn and photographed, as Carroll’s brunette or Tenniel’s blonde or Disney’s prim miss…in novel, poem, satire, play, film, cartoon, newspaper, magazine, album cover or song—Alice is the ultimate cultural icon, available for any and every form of manipulation, and as ubiquitous today as in the era of her first appearance.”

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

And again for my iconic feature image I went with the (adult) version of her in art by J. Scott Campbell for his Fairytale Fantasies calendar series – art so iconic they made a statue out of it. Essentially, Campbell’s Fairytale Fantasies art is a running theme for these higher place entries from fairy tales or children’s fantasy, particularly as it is essentially pinup art of those characters. Of course, his art in turn follows her appearance as the blonde Alice in blue and white from the Disney animated film – although I understand the blonde hair at least followed Carroll’s instructions for illustrating her, even if some illustrations seem to have her closer to brunette (something followed by the American McGee Alice video game)

And with Alice we come to perhaps the most popular of my girls of fantasy and SF for depictions, at least in art by my favorite artist. It helps that once again Zenescope Entertainment has artists used by them for their version of her in their Wonderland series – effectively including a brunette version of the character with her daughter Calie, who closely resembles her mother but for brunette hair and a black and white clothing palette. It also helps that some of my favorite comics artist have done their pinup art of her, whether for Zenescope or otherwise – including Elias Chatzoudis, Nathan Szerdy, and Ale Garza.

 

COSPLAY – HELLY

 

It also helps that there’s the American McGee Alice video game version of the character – with the same clothing color palette but brunette – which also sees her score my Helly cosplay ranking for Helly Valentine’s cosplay of the video game version, one of only two Helly rankings or indeed any cosplay rankings for my Top 10 Girls of Fantasy & SF.

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****
S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

 

Disney Frozen film poster

 

 

(1) SNOW QUEEN

 

Few fantasy female characters are so iconic, narratively and visually on a worldwide scale, as the female characters and particularly the protagonists of (European) fairy tales, so it was obvious my top spot had to go to a fairy tale girl.

But which one?

It was a close call with the big three or holy trinity of fairy tale girls – Cinderella, Snow White, and my former top spot as one of my personal favorite fairy tale girls, Red Riding Hood.

Ultimately however, all three have been eclipsed by the Snow Queen, the titular antagonist (or is she?) of the fairy tale by Danish writer Hans Christian Andersen. The fairy tale may well have set something of a trend for the snow queen or similar female personification of winter, cold, snow and ice. And ironically, she’s hot! Usually blonde of course – white, platinum or silver blonde for snow or ice – but not always (as for example with the black-haired White Witch in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis, inspired by the Snow Queen).

There have been a surprisingly prolific number of adaptations of the fairy tale, but one in particular saw the Snow Queen win both top spot for my girls of fairy tales and my girls of fantasy in general – Disney’s Frozen, loosely adapting the Snow Queen (and the fairy tale’s male protagonist Kai) as Elsa, who in turn has been a surprisingly popular subject of art and cosplay, sometimes in combination with her sister Anna (adapting the fairy tale’s female protagonist Gerda).

Speaking of which…

 

ART & COSPLAY

 

For my iconic feature image, I considered going with the original version of the Snow Queen in art by J. Scott Campbell for his Fairytale Fantasies calendar series, but instead I went with the Disney Frozen film poster of Elsa.

And with the Snow Queen, particularly in Elsa’s version of her, we have the only potential rival to Alice as the most popular of my girls of fantasy and SF in depictions in art – and indeed also in cosplay, scoring a Helly ranking (which I would rank over Helly Valentine’s cosplay of Alice).

 

ART – DANDONFUGA

 

That’s right – she scores a Dandonfuga ranking, thanks to Elsa being a repeated subject for art by Dandonfuga.

 

My top ten on the spot for Elsa art

 

1 – Dandonfuga

2 – J. Scott Campbell (as the original Snow Queen)

3 – Kiko L

4 – Nathan Szerdy

5 – Elias Chatzoudis

6 – Neoartcore

7 – Aroma Sensei

8 – Logan Cure

9 – Artgerm

10 – Eric Basaldua (for Zenoscope’s Snow Queen)

 

SPECIAL MENTION

 

1 – Zenoscope (for their version of the fairy tale Snow Queen character)

2 – Fables (for its version of the fairy tale Snow Queen character)

3 – Oglaf (for its webcomic version of the Snow Queen character)

4 – Jeff Chapman (for his photorealistic version of Elsa)

And shout-out to Naughty Neurals, who has featured Elsa on more than one occasion.

 

COSPLAY – HELLY

 

As mentioned above, the Snow Queen scores a Helly ranking for Helly Valentine’s cosplay of Elsa. Special mention for Anna Faith, who launched a cosplay and modeling career on her resemblance to Elsa.

 

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GODDESS-TIER)

 

 

 

 

FANTASY GIRLS –

GIRLS OF FANTASY & SF: TOP 10

(TIER LIST)

 

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

(1) SNOW QUEEN

(2) ALICE

(3) DOROTHY GALE

(4) WENDY DARLING

 

If the Snow Queen is my Old Testament of girls of fantasy & SF, then Alice, Dorothy and Wendy are my New Testament.

 

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

(5) DEJAH THORIS

 

B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

(6) JANE PORTER

(7) BELIT

(8) GALADRIEL

(9) DAENERYS TARGARYEN

 

X-TIER (WILD TIER) – 2024 TOP GIRL OF FANTASY & SF

(10) FURIOSA

 

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped: Complete Top 10)

 

One of the most iconic photographs of war – Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima by Joe Rosenthal of the Associated Press

 

I’ve always found wars a fascinating subject of history, from the comfortable armchair of hindsight and the fortunate perspective of being well removed from any firsthand experience of them. History, particularly military history, has always been something of a hobby of mine. So of course I have ranked my Top 10 Wars of history.

Just some notes – these are not ranked by scale of destruction or historical impact, although I’d like to think that most or all of my entries would rank highly by those criteria. They are also not ranked by moral justifiability or in terms of being ‘good’ wars, to the extent that such a term can be used for wars, if at all. Rather, they are ranked in terms of historical interest to me and I tend to be interested in the broader themes of history, so I have preferred a broader classification of the wars in each entry, although I do nominate individual wars (or conquests or invasions) within each entry.

 

Just some further notes – I have some ratings within each entry:

 

ART OF WAR

 

Rating the wars by the art of war shown in them, typically by the victors of course, albeit based on my more idiosyncratic application of Sun Tzu’s Art of War.

 

WORLD WAR

 

Rating the wars by their scale – some wars might well be considered world wars (or at least part of world wars) beyond the two twentieth century wars formally designated as such, from World War Zero to World War X.

 

FOREVER WAR –  STILL FIGHTING THE WAR

 

Rating the wars by their span, particularly for those wars we are arguably still fighting.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

Rating the wars by their plausible alternate history victory scenarios – that is, how plausibly they could have gone the other way.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

Perhaps most controversially, rating the wars by taking a shot at choosing moral sides or nominating the good guys and bad guys – or not, since history usually does not repay moral judgements.

 

So these are my top ten wars in history. You know the rules – this is one of my deep dive top tens, counting down from tenth to first place and looking at individual entries in some depth or detail of themselves.

 

 

Custer’s Last Charge – entered according to act of Congress in the year 1876 by Seifert Gugler & Co. with the librarian of Congress at Washington D. C. (public domain image – “Sioux Wars” Wikipedia)

 

(10) AMERICAN INDIAN WARS –
SIOUX WARS (1854-1891)

 

The wars that defined the American West and ‘manifest destiny’ of the United States. The wars that put the frontier into Turner’s frontier thesis, as its literal frontier – or front line.

In origin they predate the United States itself, extending to the European colonial powers or American states prior to independence (or union). The American Revolutionary War and War of 1812 were also American Indian Wars, as the British and Americans each had their native American allies.

They were of existential importance to the native American nations or tribes, given that they ceased to exist as independent polities outside of reservations or territories within the United States, if at all. They were also of fundamental importance to the United States as well, given its “acquisition” of territory from those same tribes or nations.

Hence the span, scale and scope of the American Indian Wars in total extends for centuries across a continent. So as for which American Indian War to nominate for this entry, I’ll go with the archetypal or definitive entry, particularly from their place in the culture, history and mythology of the American West – the Sioux Wars.

Even those extended for almost half a century from the First Sioux War in 1854 to the Ghost Dance War in 1891 (and through the Great Plains but as also as far as Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado), with the most definitive Sioux War as the Great Sioux War of 1876 fought by two of the most famous native American war leaders, Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse.

The Sioux Wars feature the archetypal or definitive image of the American Indian Wars fought by mounted native American warriors as well as many of the landmarks of the American Indian Wars – from Colonel Chivington and the Sand Creek Massacre, through the Battle of Little Bighorn and General Custer’s Last Stand, to the Ghost Dance and the Wounded Knee Massacre.

However, the American Indian Wars take their place as wars within even wider themes – indeed, among the widest and oldest in human history.

Firstly, there is the theme of wider native American wars, which the native American nations or tribes found themselves fighting in for half a millennium throughout both American continents against the European colonial powers or their settler successor states, including my next entry.

Secondly there is the theme of wars against tribal nations or tribes, not only in the Americas but worldwide. I’ve heard it said that the basic political states are empires and tribes (or tribal confederacies). That seems somewhat overstated, but certainly tribes or tribal nations throughout the world found themselves under fire in the same period – in the Americas, in Africa, in Siberia and Central Asia, and in Australasia or Oceania.

Thirdly – and overlapping with the previous theme – is the longest theme or war of all, spanning millennia, the wars of sedentary agricultural societies or states against nomadic hunter-gatherers. And it is a war that, despite setbacks at the hands of mounted nomadic herding tribes, has been overwhelmingly won by agricultural states – riding roughshod over the nomadic hunter-gatherers at their frontiers, through their weight of numbers and the things that come with it, the titular “guns, germs and steel” of Jared Diamond.

Even the ghost dance falls within those wider themes over millennia – and millennialism. Of course, I tend to think of all religion as a ghost dance, but particularly so when societies face overwhelming material odds against them and essentially resort to magic to win wars.

And it’s not always tribal societies. The Boxer Rebellion was essentially the Chinese ghost dance – as was the Taiping Rebellion before it, a conflict that tends to be strangely overlooked in history, despite more casualties than the First World War. Of course, the Taiping or Boxer Rebellions show that the ghost dance can get a few good punches (heh) in before it goes down, but it is almost universally doomed to go down, except in fantasy.

Although occasionally even in history the ghost dance wins its weird victories. One tribal confederacy or kingdom that popped up during a power vacuum in its region, but then found itself progressively overwhelmed by successive empires until it existed at the whim of a final one, also resorted to a ghost dance that increasingly substituted heavenly victory for an earthly one.

That of course was the Jewish tribal confederacy or kingdom and its great messianic ghost dance, existing at the whim of the Roman Empire. The Jewish kingdom itself did not survive the Roman Empire, but its ghost dance did – ultimately succeeding first to the imperial cult of the Roman Empire, and then to the remnants of the imperial state itself.

 

ART OF WAR

 

The Sioux tactically demonstrated the speed, surprise and shock that is part of the art of war – indeed, similarly to the mounted horse tribes of central Asian steppes that were so effective elsewhere, not surprisingly given the geography of the Plains.

The only problem was they were too little and too late – a few centuries too late, against an industrial adversary that used the true strategic art of war (for winning without fighting) – picking curb stomp battles from a position of overwhelming material superiority.

It also demonstrates something of an issue for guerilla warfare. Guerilla warfare is often touted as the ultimate expression of the art of war – and it often is, avoiding pitched battles to outlast the adversary, but it had one limitation, particularly in pre-modern history.

Mao Tse-Tung wrote that “the guerilla must move amongst the people as a fish swims in the sea” – which is all very well unless your opponent is willing and able to drain the sea, displacing or eliminating the whole people (or at least enough of them).

 

WORLD WAR

 

Not of themselves, but the Sioux Wars and the American Indian Wars were part of a wider world war in its total scope, the native American wars as one continent descended on two others

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE AMERICAN INDIAN WARS

 

We’re still fighting the American Indian Wars – or rather their legacy, although in some cases native American wars are still being fought in the Americas. The American Indian Wars persisted in actual warfare until 1924 (!) – and subsequently in the form of the new and more effective ghost dance of political activism.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

Alternate history victory scenarios seem almost totally impossible for the American Indian Wars – which had the literal Ghost Dance and were the ghost dance writ large, with the native Americans facing overwhelming material odds against them. The ghost dance can go down swinging, even getting in a few good punches or punching above its weight as it does, but it is almost universally doomed to go down, except in fantasy where magic works.

Perhaps if the native American tribes had been more a united front against the United States, perhaps if they had outside allies willing or able to aid them against the United States in the long term, and above all, perhaps if they’d taken their chances against the colonies from the very outset or the Americans had lost the Revolutionary War, things might have been different but it seems a long shot against the pervasive defeats of similar peoples throughout history.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

Ah USA – although it’s difficult to imagine the contemporary United States without the American Indian Wars, it’s equally difficult to see the US as the good guys from our modern perspective.

 

RATING: 4 STARS*****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

The 1521 Fall of Tenochtitlan by Spanish Conquistador Hernán Cortés, from the Conquest of México series – oil on canvas 17th century (public domain image)

 

(9) SPANISH CONQUEST OF THE AMERICAS –
CONQUEST OF THE AZTEC EMPIRE (1519-1521)

 

Remarkable for just how few Spanish forces conquered such a populous empire in such a short span of time (as it was with the conquest of the Inca Empire).

The Spanish Conquest of the Americas – la Conquista by the conquistadors – falls within the broader native American wars. Indeed, it and the American Indian Wars might be regarded as the two poles of native American wars – whereas the American Indian Wars fall at the tail end of them, the Spanish Conquest is at their very head.

It also propelled Spain, something of a peninsular backwater in Europe that had only just reconquered all its territory from Islamic conquest to the first world maritime superpower.

As for which Spanish conquest to nominate for this entry, I’ve gone with the conquest led by Hernan Cortes of the Aztec Empire. After all, it was either that or the close second for the conquest by Francisco Pizarro of the Inca Empire – and the conquest by Cortes was the influence and model for the latter, as well as effectively the springboard of the whole Conquest of the Americas, at least on the mainland.

Population estimates of the Aztec Empire prior to its conquest vary but generally seem to be about 10 million people, while Cortes had 508 soldiers in his expedition.

And he was lucky to get away even with that, as he set sail only just evading the Governor of Spanish Cuba revoking his commission, as it had become obvious that Cortes had something far more audacious in mind than mere exploration or trade. Cortes also famously scuttled his ships after arriving in Mexico, so that his forces could not retreat and had no other option but to fight.

Of course, Cortes’ forces did have some qualitative advantage of technological superiority. It is tempting to see it purely in terms of the first element of Jared Diamond’s titular trinity of guns, germs and steel – guns.

The Spanish certainly had guns, even cannon, and while the latter gave a useful advantage to the Spanish, I’m not sure I’d want to face down a fanatical horde of Aztec warriors in close combat with my inaccurate sixteenth century muzzle-loading single-shot musket, let alone whatever an arquebus is.

Far more useful were the Spanish crossbows and of course the third element of trinity – steel, in their armor and weapons, which the Aztecs lacked. More useful yet were the 16 horses of the expedition, as the Aztecs (and the Americas) were utterly without and therefore unfamiliar with horses, so that the Spanish cavalry had a real impact of shock and awe on the Aztecs. Probably with less impact but fascinating to me was the Spanish use of war dogs.

Another qualitative advantage was leadership. While Cortes had no experience, he proved himself a capable and charismatic military commander, while the Aztec emperor Moctezuma or Montezuma was generally perceived as weak or hesitant, even by the Aztecs.

Cortes was so capable and charismatic, that he defeated the larger Spanish force sent to retrieve him and then talked its soldiers and cavalry around to joining his conquest. However, this expanded Spanish force was still pitifully small compared to the Aztecs, even with its technological and tactical superiority

Which is where the second element of Jared Diamond’s trilogy was probably decisive – germs. The Aztecs are estimated to have lost almost half their population to smallpox from the Spaniards by the last year of the conquest and Cortes’ assault on their capital.

God and the gods also played their part. Faith in God was an important part of motivation and morale for the Spanish and not least Cortes himself in their conquests, coming as they did on the heels of the Reconquista of Islamic Spain.

One factor may or may not have played a part, reported by Cortes himself, was that he was seen as the return of the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl – but it is disputed as to whether or what extent the Aztecs actually believed this, and impossible to know its effect on them even if they did.

Another factor that certainly did play its part was that of the old saying that behind every great man is a woman. Malintzin, a slave-woman “gifted” to the Spanish with her own gift for languages, who became Cortes’ interpreter, diplomatic adviser and mistress – and who might well be hailed as co-conquistador.

Malintzin was an instrumental part in the true reason for the Spanish victory other than disease – that the Spanish force didn’t win it as such, but rather led the much larger winning force consisting predominantly of their native American allies against the Aztecs.

The Aztecs had their own bloody sacrificial empire that was still new and expanding just prior to the Spanish conquest – for which they were absolutely hated by many or most of their imperial subjects, at least some of whom were all too happy to ally themselves with the Spanish to overthrow the Aztecs.

 

ART OF WAR

 

Well obviously when your forces of a few hundred (or few thousand with reinforcements) defeat an empire of millions in a few years, you’re doing something right in the art of war.

And partly this would seem to be down to factors you can’t plan or even predict according to Sun Tzu – good fortune, and even more so, the boldness it favors. Say what you will about Cortes but he had cojones.

Of course, partly this would seem to be down to factors you can draw from Sun Tzu – subterfuge, diplomacy or alliances, and capturing enemy leaders or holding them hostage.

 

WORLD WAR

 

The Spanish Conquest was the decisive landmark in what might be described, in its total scope, of a world war as the powers of one continent commenced their conquest of two others – the world war that started all the world wars of European maritime empires.

Even more as the Spanish conquest extended beyond the Americas to Asia (where the Spanish conquered the Philippines) and Africa, not least in the slave trade to the Americas.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE SPANISH CONQUEST

 

While the Spanish empire in the Americas fought for and (mostly) won its independence, the Spanish conquest casts a long shadow in Latin America – with native American resistance persisting even today, as with the Zapatistas in Mexico.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

From the American Indian Wars as least plausible for alternate history victory scenarios among my top ten, we go to the Spanish Conquest of the Aztec Empire as the war where the actual outcome seems the utterly implausible alternate history victory scenario.

There are simply no parallels to just how lopsided the Spanish victory was in their conquest of the Aztec Empire, conquering an empire of millions in less than three years with forces numbering only in the hundreds – or three thousand at their most numerous. Of course, part of that was that the Spanish effectively led a revolt by far more numerous native American allies, another part was the Spanish advantages in guns and steel or above all germs, and yet another part was the Aztec disadvantage of “an inherently unstable system vulnerable to a loss of prestige under even moderate challenges”.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

Modern historical perspective tends not to favor the Spanish as the good guys, although this is often disputed as a continuation of so-called Black Legend of anti-Spanish history – with some fairness. On the other hand, of all people the Spanish conquered, the Aztecs qualify the least as good guys, although again often disputed as historical propaganda against them – with some fairness.

Probably the only people who unambiguously qualify as the good guys are the indigenous population of Mexico caught between the two empires as one conquered the other.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

 

Total War Attila game box art

 

(8) HUNNIC WARS –
HUN INVASION OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE (440-453)

 

Yet another horse blitzkrieg of mounted nomadic tribes from the Eurasian steppes and the most formidable one prior to the Mongols, founding an empire that should be ranked as the fourth great empire of late antiquity and menacing the other three – Persian Empire as well as eastern and western Roman empires – in turn.

To be honest, purely on their own merits of military conquest, I’d rank the Mongols over the Huns. It’s hard to argue with the world’s largest contiguous land empire – and second largest empire in all history. While both shared the historical infamy of being extremely barbaric and ruthless towards their adversaries, albeit almost a millennium apart, the Mongols seemed to rely more on strategy than savagery. Both the Huns and Attila acquired such a reputation for savage barbarism that Kaiser Wilhelm sought to invoke it for his German soldiers in the Boxer Rebellion – which of course backfired as the Allies happily used it as a pejorative term for the Germans in the world wars. Although I have to admit Attila being identified as the Scourge of God earns him badass points. The Mongols also seem more diversified in the number of their skilled leaders and commanders beyond Genghis Khan and his death – while the success of the Huns seems largely focused through the charismatic leadership of Attila himself, with the Hunnic empire rapidly disintegrating after his death.

On the other hand, I have this chronological ranking going among the top tier entries of my top ten – and the Huns do predate the Mongols. However, it’s more than a matter of mere chronology – the Hunnic Wars also overlap with the decline and fall of the Roman Empire, itself ranking as god tier special mention to my top ten, arguably more so than any other war. To pit the Mongols against the Romans is often the ultimate fantasy match of military history – I always recall that very proposal in a pulp science fiction novel of my youth – and the Hunnic Wars is the closest you get to that scenario, albeit the Roman Empire in terminal decline rather than its prime. (Spoiler – the Mongols actually did overlap with the Roman Empire, as in the surviving eastern Roman Empire or Byzantine Empire, but more as allies). And from a Eurocentric perspective, the Hunnic Empire was more in Europe itself, with both a seat of power and range of penetration much further west than the Mongols ever did.

I also have a romantic soft spot for the Battle of the Catalaunian Plains in Gaul or France as the heroic last stand of the Roman Empire, although that may be more legend than history – on par for me with the final battle of King Arthur against Mordred at Camlann, particularly as depicted in the film Excalibur, to the stirring choral music of Carmina Burana and Arthur thankful for the mist so that their enemy “may not see how few we are”. Aetius as Arthur, yo! Although in fairness, that was few in Romans, with Aetius relying less on mystical mist and more on his Visigoth and other Germanic allies to make up numbers.

Although truth be told, the real heroic stand and final battle that doomed the Hunnic Empire was the Battle of Nedao in 454, where they were defeated by their former Germanic vassals. The Huns took one last shot at the eastern Roman Empire under one of Attila’s sons in 469, vanishing from history with their defeat.

Their origin is even more mysterious – with some theories resembling an extent almost as wide as the Mongols, particularly those theories that linked them to the Xongniu and other nomadic peoples that menaced China, often stylized as Huns, such as in the Disney version of Mulan. They are also often linked to other nomadic tribes, sometimes also stylized as Huns, that menaced the Persian Empire and even India.

The only clear history of the Huns seems to be that they emerged east of the Volga from about 370, soon conquering the Goths and other Germanic tribes to forge a vast dominion essentially along the Danube on the borders of the Roman Empire – ironically driving the fall of the Roman Empire even before they invaded it, as the various Germanic tribes that invaded or settled in the Roman Empire were fleeing the Huns.

Ultimately however the Romans had to face off the fearsome Huns themselves – and that is where my romantic soft spot for last stands come in, as the Romans managed to mobilize themselves one last time to hold off the Huns. Firstly, however, the Huns turned on the more robust eastern Roman Empire, invading the Balkans and threatening the capital Constantinople, with little to stop them until the emperor opted for the pragmatic policy of paying tribute for peace. The Huns then invaded the western Roman Empire in 451, with Attila claiming the sister of the western Roman emperor as his bride and half the empire as his dowry – with some fairness, as she had swiped right on him in preference to her betrothal to a Roman senator. However, there the Huns encountered the general Flavius Aetius, often hailed as “the last of the Romans”. That’s right – this is an Aetius fan account.

Ironically, Aetius had effectively risen to power by relying on the Huns as his allies. Now he had to face off against his former allies as Attila invaded Gaul, drawing on the waning resources of an increasingly vestigial empire to field one of its last major military operations in alliance with the Visigoths and its other Germanic allies – and won, defeating the Huns at the Battle of the Catalaunian Plains.

Or not, as historians dispute how conclusive a victory it was. Certainly Attila and the Huns withdrew from Gaul, only to invade Italy the following year – with there was little Aetius could do to stop them there, except for the Pope to ask Attila nicely if he would leave without sacking Rome.

Surprisingly, it worked – Attila left Italy (albeit more for lack of supplies and expectations of tribute), never to return as he died the following year, aborting his plans for a further campaign against the western empire – as with the Mongols, Europe was saved from invasion by a fortunately timed death (from Attila partying too hard celebrating his latest wedding to his hot new bride).

 

ART OF WAR

 

Certainly the Huns demonstrated the art of war, despite their reputation for savage barbarism. At a tactical level, they had the usual mobility, speed, surprise and shock of the steppes horse blitzkrieg – while strategically, they also sought out ways of winning without fighting through tribute and political alliances.

As for the Romans, they might have excelled in the art of war at the height of their empire, perhaps even retained their tactical skill towards the end, but just had too few legions as they struggled to mobilize any army.

 

WORLD WAR

 

The decline and fall of the Roman Empire – and the Migration Period or barbarian invasions – might be considered to be on the scale of a world war, but is a little too piecemeal in space or time.

I also like to think the Huns might also qualify as precursors of the Mongols on a similar world scale, but their origins – and links – to people identified as Huns in China, central Asia, Iran and India is not clear.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE HUNNIC WARS

 

Well, not so much the fighting the Huns, vanishing as they did from history, but perhaps still living in the decline of empire…

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

Almost up there with the Spanish Conquest of the Aztec Empire for a war where the actual outcome seems the implausible alternate history victory scenario – the Hunnic defeat at the Battle of Catalaunian Fields seems genuinely miraculous as does the Hunnic withdrawal from Italy the following year, except even more so from the sheer papal mojo of Leo as Roman imperial envoy.

However, historians debate whether the Battle of the Catalaunian Fields was indeed a Hunnic defeat, and defeat or victory, whether it was indeed of historical importance. Similarly, historians debate the actual reasons and historical importance for the Hunnic withdrawal from Italy.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

Sorry Huns – that reputation for savage barbarism may be unfair and overstated, but when it comes to classical history, I usually side with the Romans, particularly in the fifth century.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

Hannibal crossing the Alps into Italy, 1881 or 1884 book engraving used as public domain image Wikipedia “Hannibal’s crossing of the Alps”

 

(7) PUNIC WARS –
SECOND PUNIC WAR (218-201 BC)

 

“Carthago delenda est” – Carthage must be destroyed!

The wars that defined the Roman Republic and its empire.

Also the most famous historical duel between two rival powers, with the stakes of supremacy to the victor and destruction to the vanquished.

Also arguably the most fiercely fought of Rome’s wars – and the closest it came to defeat in its rise to empire under the republic, with one of its worst defeats in battle of Cannae.

Also a nice polar opposite to the Hunnic Wars in my previous entry (even down to the resonance of their names) – with the rising republic of the Punic Wars at one pole and the falling empire of the Hunnic Wars at the other.

As for the Punic Wars defining the Roman republic and its empire, I know the Punic Wars took place well before the formal Roman empire, but they defined the Roman Republic as an imperial power and laid the foundations for the Empire in its most famous duel for Mediterranean supremacy.

As for that duel, such was its historical fame and potency of its imagery that the Punic Wars have continued to provide metaphors for modern history. “The wars lasted for more than a hundred years (264-146) and were analogous in many respects to later great hegemonic rivalries like the Anglo-French rivalry of the 18th Century and the Cold War, filled as it is with military arms-races, proxy-wars, attacks on regional states, at the end of which there was only a unipolar political landscape”.

Or in other words, the Mediterranean wasn’t big enough for the two of them.

Even in its defeat and destruction by Rome, Carthage provided the metaphor of Carthaginian peace – for “any brutal peace treaty demanding total subjugation of the defeated side” or terms that “are overly harsh and designed to accentuate and perpetuate the inferiority of the loser”, even more so for the subsequent legend that Rome salted the earth. Most famously, it was used by John Maynard Keynes for the Treaty of Versailles after the First World War – inaccurately in my view as a Versailles fan, and dangerously so as it undermined enforcement of the treaty. It’s a pity the term didn’t prompt more like one wry response to Keynes’ usage of it – “Funny thing, you don’t hear much from the Carthaginians these days”.

“Carthage must be destroyed” was the famous catchphrase of Roman senator Cato the Elder, who concluded all his speeches with it, whether it was relevant or not. It’s certainly an icebreaker. I’m thinking of throwing it into all my conversations as well, or hijacking other people’s conversations with it.

Of course, by the time Cato was using it, it was really kicking a man when he was down. Rome had soundly defeated Carthage in the Second Punic War, essentially reducing Carthage to a small harmless shadow of its former territory – and a satellite state under the Roman thumb.

But to Cato, grumpy old curmudgeon that he was, the Carthaginians didn’t have the decency to be poor after their defeat, having far too much wealth when he visited it as a member of a senatorial embassy. And eventually he got his way with the Third Punic War (149-146 BC) and Rome crushed Carthage completely.

The Third Punic War was the somewhat anti-climactic conclusion to the trilogy of Punic Wars. The First Punic War (264-241 BC) was obviously not decisive but certainly interesting with the Romans wrestling Sicily from Carthage – as well as their impressive feat of throwing together a navy mostly from scratch, laying the foundations for Roman naval supremacy, even if that was mostly done through the neat trick of using ships as boarding platforms for infantry combat.

The Second Punic War (218-201 BC) was the big one . You know, the one with the elephants – in the famous crossing of the Alps into Italy, although only one elephant survived.

So while the elephants may not have loomed as large as had been hoped, what did loom large was the Carthaginian invasion of Italy , striking fear into the heart of Rome itself, and even more so the legendary Carthaginian general Hannibal, one of the greatest military commanders in history, with his textbook victory against the Romans at Cannae.

Sadly for Carthage, however, Hannibal was one of my top 10 great military leaders who were actually losers, because he didn’t know to go hard or go home – or rather, to go Rome or to go home, instead wasting his dwindling time and army d*cking around Italy, something of a running theme in that top ten.

Of course, it’s a lot more nuanced than that (particularly when it comes to the role of Hannibal’s leadership) but the Roman general Quintus Fabius avoided major battles and chipped away at Hannibal’s forces in Italy through attrition, while Hannibal’s rival and nemesis, Roman general Scipio Africanus, pulled a Hannibal in reverse by attacking the Carthaginians in Spain and Africa itself.

The Second Punic War also features some of the most famous battles in history – Cannae of course, but also the battles of Trebinia and Lake Trasimene for Carthaginian victories, as well as the battles of the Metaurus, Ilipa and Zama for Roman victories.

 

 

 

 

ART OF WAR

 

Obviously the Romans excelled in the art of war in their empire as a whole, perhaps even more so the Byzantines in Sun Tzu’s definition of the art of war as winning without fighting. An empire doesn’t survive a millennium without a few tricks of political diplomacy or playing enemies against each other up its sleeve.

However, facing Hannibal on their home territory in Italy was not their finest demonstration of the art of war. Reading Roman military history often prompts me to see the Romans as the Soviet Union of ancient history – winning through the manpower to replace one lost legion after another – and never more so than in the Second Punic War against Hannibal, which is eerily reminiscent of a Roman parallel for the Soviets in Barbarossa. Just ask Pyrrhus – who gave the world the term Pyrrhic victory because the Romans could just soak up their losses and keep coming.

This is something of a caricature for the Romans as well as the Soviets winning through brute force of manpower – both of which were as capable of finesse in the right circumstances, usually a combination of good leadership combined with well maintained or experienced forces. And the Roman legion was the finest fighting force of its time, with a discipline and tactical superiority that allowed it to outfight opponents that outnumbered it – as in the Battle of Alesia or Battle of Watling Street. Although one of the greatest strengths of the Roman legion was not so much its skill in fighting but in engineering, again as at Alesia.

 

WORLD WAR

 

It’s a bit hard to label the Punic Wars as a world war, even if was fought between two continents and had global consequences in the rise of the Roman Empire. However, as mentioned before, it had parallels to subsequent global hegemonic conflicts between rival powers.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE PUNIC WARS

 

Well if there’s one thing a Carthaginian peace is good for, it’s for not fighting any more Punic Wars.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

The Punic Wars seem to offer tantalizing glimpses of an alternate history of Carthaginian victory, mostly from Hannibal’s tactical military genius in the Second Punic War – although perhaps the better Carthaginian prospect of victory was in the First Punic War, had Rome not adapted itself to Carthaginian naval superiority.

Ultimately however, such glimpses are illusory, given Rome’s adaptability and unmatched ability to raise armies, with even Hannibal’s military genius just a flash in the pan. As I said, reading Roman military history often prompts me to see the Romans as the Soviet Union of ancient history – winning through the manpower to replace one legion after another.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS AND BAD GUYS

 

Who were the good guys? The Romans obviously! Yes, it’s a bit more nuanced than that – with perhaps not too much to distinguish one from the other, and much to admire about Hannibal. But to quote the Youtube channel Pax Romana, child sacrificer says what? There’s a reason that the name for Moloch has passed into English as a pejorative term – and part of that reason is Carthaginian child sacrifice. No more Moloch!

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

Spartans fighting against Persians at the Battle of Plataea – illustration in Cassell’s Illustrated Universal History 1882 (public domain image)

 

(6) GREEK-PERSIAN WARS (499-449 BC)

 

The classical Persian Wars – when the Greeks fought for their very existence as independent states against the imperial Persian superpower of the Achaemenid Empire, as an uneasy coalition of Greek city states fighting off two Persian invasions of Greece against the odds in the archetypal battles of classical Greek heroism.

That is not to overlook the Macedonian conquest of the Persian Empire featured in another top ten entry, or the longer Roman-Persian wars – through to the twilight of classical history, for nearly seven centuries from 54 BC to 628 AD, when the Romans fought their relentless slogging match against two successive Persian empires, the Parthians and the Sassanids.

Ultimately, however, the Roman-Persian Wars lack the existential significance of the Persian invasions of Greece, both to the classical Greeks and by extension Western civilization itself. It is difficult to imagine the shape of Western civilization, had the Persians succeeded in their invasions of Greece, particularly their second invasion, but it would have been immeasurably different.

Greek victories in the Persian Wars were certainly a defining moment for Athens and its democracy, as well as the Greeks as a whole – “their victory endowed the Greeks with a faith in their destiny that was to endure for three centuries, during which western culture was born”.

The Persian wars were also among the first wars in history to be written as history – by the creators of history as a genre, foremost among them Herodotus, styled as the father of history. They might also be argued to be the origin of Western military strategy and tactics – or at least the feature that was to recur so decisively as part of Western military superiority, the drilled formation, in this case the hoplite phalanx.

They also featured two of the landmark battles of history, won against the odds – Marathon and the naval battle of Salamis – as well as the heroic last stand of Thermopylae, the Spartan Alamo. Of course, as an Athenian loyalist, I’d point out that Marathon and Salamis were Athenian victories, as opposed to all that pro-Spartan agitprop of the 300 film, in which Leonidas breezily dismissed Athens.

Salamis was a particularly impressive Athenian victory, since they won it from exile after evacuating Athens itself, which was captured and razed by the Persians – choosing to carry on fighting from exile rather than submit to the Persians. This feat might be compared to the scenario if France had not surrendered to Germany in 1940, but had fought on with its fleet from north Africa – and won.

In terms of historical narrative, the first Persian invasion from 492 BC to 490 BC, under Darius the Great, was inconclusive with their defeat in the battle of Marathon…for the time being. Darius had to postpone a further invasion of Greece to fight strife within his own empire. When he died, his son and successor Xerxes took the second swing at Greece in earnest in an invasion from 480 to 479 BC, which was ultimately defeated at the battles of Plataea and Mycale.

After that, the Greeks were able to go on the offensive against the Persians in the Persian Empire itself, particularly in its formerly Greek fringes, but the Greek-Persian wars largely fizzled out from there with a return to the pre-war status quo by 449 BC, not unlike the persistent stalemate of the subsequent Roman-Persian Wars, although Greece was freed from the threat of Persian invasion. Of course, a lot of that was undone as the Persian Empire then learned to sit back and exploit the Greek city-states fighting among themselves, most notably in the Peloponnesian Wars.

 

ART OF WAR

 

The Greeks in the Persian Wars were almost exact contemporaries of Sun Tzu on the other side of the world, as the Persian Wars commenced a few years before the traditional date given to Sun Tzu’s death in 496 BC – and I’m inclined to favor the Greeks over Sun Tzu when it came to demonstrated art of war in actual history. Winning without fighting is all very well, but sometimes you have little choice but to fight – and to fight in desperate defence against numerically superior forces.

Hence the genius of Greek strategy, consistently fighting at geographical bottlenecks or chokepoints, including the straits of Salamis. Beyond that, the Greeks won because “they avoided catastrophic defeats, stuck to their alliance, took advantage of Persian mistakes” and possessed tactical superiority with their hoplite forces.

 

WORLD WAR

 

Sadly, I think it would be stretching things too far to call the Greek-Persian Wars a world war, even though the Greeks often styled it as the war of one continent against another or East against West, harking back to the legendary Trojan War as its predecessor – a continental front line that was replayed in the Roman-Persian Wars and beyond, as the Persians were replaced by Arabs and Turks.

 

FOREVER WAR –  STILL FIGHTING THE PERSIAN WARS

 

Well perhaps not in the style of the Greek or Macedonian Persian Wars, but Americans might feel they’ve been replaying the Roman-Persian Wars since 1979…

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

Yet another war where the actual outcome seems the implausible alternate history scenario or just outright miraculous – we all know the god Pan won the Battle of Marathon. Io Pan! Io Pan Pan!

I mean, the world’s largest empire in territorial extent at the time – as well as the largest empire by percentage of world population ever – against the small and fractious Greek city states? That’s n

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

Sorry Persia – I know you’re not the weird mutant army featured in the film 300 and indeed one of the great civilizations of ancient history, but the Greeks will always be the good guys to me

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

The Battle of Legnica (Liegnitz or Wahlstatt) on 9th April 1241 during the first Mongol invasion of Poland – copper engraving by Matthäus Merian the Elder 1630 (public domain image – Wikipedia “Mongol Invasions and Conquests”)

 

(5) MONGOL CONQUESTS –
MONGOL INVASION OF EUROPE (1236-1242)

 

The Mongols were essentially a horse blitzkrieg across Eurasia, achieving a mobility and speed on land, exceeded only by modern mobile warfare using the internal combustion engine.

The horse blitzkrieg was a recurring feature mounted (heh) by nomadic herding tribes, particularly by those from the steppes of central Asia, to such devastating effect against more sedentary or settled agricultural states throughout history. I can’t resist the memorable quote by the Pax Romana Youtube channel that “history is mostly a matter of hoping those psychos on horseback don’t attack this summer, steal the grain and take the slaves”.

None were more supremely effective at it than the Mongols, one of the most proficient and versatile military forces in history – one that was also supremely adaptable at coopting its conquered people for further conquests and for strategies of war beyond their horse blitzkrieg. It’s surprising how small the actual Mongol component was of their forces.

The founder of the Mongol Empire – Temujin, better known as Genghis Khan – was the best military and political leader of his era, or arguably any era. He succeeded in unifying the Mongol tribes as the nucleus of his empire, which at his death stretched from northern China through Central Asia to Iran and the outskirts of European Russia. In doing so, the Mongols conquered glittering states along the Silk Road in central Asia that barely anyone remembers because the Mongols wiped them out so thoroughly – the Khwaraziman Empire of Iran and the Qara Khitai.

However, it is the wars of his successors that are particularly fascinating to me as they advanced into almost every corner of Eurasia.

In the Middle East, they besieged and sacked Baghdad, the center of Islamic power for half a millennia, occupying as far as parts of Syria and Turkey, with raids advancing as far as Gaza in Palestine, where they were stopped in the battle of Ain Jalut by the Mamluks of Egypt.

In East Asia, the Mongols did not face a unified China but two warring states, the Jin in northern China and the Sung in southern China. Genghis had largely defeated the former – his successors finished it off and conquered the Sung as well. The latter was most famously by Kublai Khan – and in Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree.

The Mongols also invaded Korea, Burma and Vietnam. It’s interesting to think of the Mongol Vietnam War, which as Vietnam Wars usually go, resulted in defeat for the Mongols. It’s also interesting, given the definitive horse blitzkrieg of the Mongols, that the Mongols launched naval invasions of Java and Japan, but perhaps not surprisingly neither did well – the latter giving rise to the Japanese word kamikaze or divine wind for the storms that scattered the Mongol invasion fleets.

However, I’m giving this entry to the campaigns of his successors most familiar to me from my Eurocentric perspective – the Mongol invasion of Europe, commanded in the field by one of the best Mongol generals, Subutai. The Mongols rolled over European Russia – over much of which they would remain ruling as the Golden Horde until the fifteenth century – and invaded central Europe, decisively defeating Poland and Hungary.

They were poised to strike into the heartland of Europe and the Holy Roman Empire, indeed raiding the latter (and the Balkans), with little to stop them but the English Channel – but fortunately for Europe, the Great Khan Ogedai died, so the Mongol armies withdrew back to Russia while their leaders returned to Mongolia to select the new Great Khan. Or so the story goes – historians vary on whether that was the true cause for the Mongols to desist from their invasion.

Even so, the Mongols continued to cast a long shadow of terror into Europe, reinforced by further raids in the thirteenth century (such that the raids of the 1280’s are sometimes styled as the second Mongol invasion) and fourteenth century.

And traumatizing Europeans with steak tartare, based on the popular legend of Mongol or ‘Tartar’ warriors tenderizing meat under their saddles and eating it at night after it had been ‘cooked’ by the heat and sweat from the horse.

 

ART OF WAR

 

Forget Sun Tzu – the true Art of War was written by Genghis Khan and the Mongols…in conquest. A friend and I used to observe the irony of Sun Tzu’s Art of War originating in China – a country that historically has gotten its ass kicked as often as not. (The same irony for Machiavelli’s The Prince originating in Italy – a country known for its political chaos).

But seriously – an army that conquered the world clearly excelled in the art of war. Ruling their conquests on the other hand…although in fairness any empire that size at that time was doomed to fragmentation.

 

WORLD WAR

 

The Mongol Conquests were nothing short of what should be described as a world war to create the largest contiguous land empire in history, and one that is still only exceeded by the British Empire – perhaps the most serious contender for the first true world war.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE MONGOL CONQUESTS

 

One of the few wars we’re not still fighting, even though we live in a Mongol-made world. The rising Russian state, with long memories of the Golden Horde, saw to that by conquering the steppes and various residual khanates (into the nineteenth century), but arguably inheriting their legacy and former territory as the new horde.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

The Mongol Conquests are an alternate history extravaganza, so incredibly exploding out of nowhere.

Well, perhaps not out of nowhere. The Mongols and the nomadic herding tribes on horseback in the Eurasian steppes consistently punched far above their weight in wealth or population until recently – as noted by military historians Azar Gat and John Keegan, as well as historian Walter Scheidel referring to this as the “steppe effect”.

Still, the Mongol Conquests are one of a select elite of wars that seem to hinge on one man as commander or conqueror, begging the alternate history question of the great man theory of history – what if that great man didn’t happen? Without Genghis Khan to unite the Mongols and lead them to empire, would the Mongol Conquests have ever begun?

And then there’s the other end of the Mongol Conquests, when the Mongols seem an unstoppable juggernaut, particularly in their invasions of Europe – could the Mongols have conquered Europe?

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

History has tended to overlook the positive or even progressive aspects of the Pax Mongolica – but it is also difficult to cast them as good guys, given the destruction they wrought, exceeding even the Second World War relative to world population.

 

RATINGS: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

Alexander the Great on his horse Bucephalus in the Battle of Issus against Darius III – from the Alexander mosaic in the House of the Faun, Pompeii (public domain image)

 

(5) PERSIAN WARS –
ALEXANDER’S CONQUEST OF THE PERSIAN EMPIRE (336-323 BC)

 

The Macedonian-Persian Wars of my namesake, Alexander the Great – the one exception to actually defeat and conquer the Persian Empire among the various Persian Wars, those recurring definitive wars of classical history fought by Greeks and Romans against successive Persian Empires over a millennium.

Of course, that was because Alexander’s conquest of the Persian Empire involved one of the finest fighting forces in history, the Macedonian phalanx, led by one of finest military leaders of history, without a defeat to his name, usually against numerical odds. That’s right – I’m an Alexander the Great and Gaugamela fanboy.

In fairness, Alexander was lucky, particularly in the opening of his campaign against the Persian Empire – narrowly escaping death at the Battle of the Granicus River. As the saying goes however, fortune favors the bold and Alexander was certainly bold, indeed to the point of personal recklessness, while the Persians were unlucky with their emperor, Darius III, who seemed cautious to the point of cowardly, notoriously fleeing his two big set-piece battles with Alexander at Issus and Gaugamela.

In fairness, Alexander was also legendary. Unable to untie the legendary insoluble Gordian knot of which it was prophesied that whoever untied it would conquer Asia? No problem – just cut it with your sword and go on to conquer Asia.

Faced with threat of the Persian navy which can strike at Greece behind your lines? No problem – just conquer the coastline of the Persian empire. Where’s your navy now, Persia?

Darius offers to surrender half his empire to you and your wimpy general Parmenion says you should accept? Sneer at him “I would too, if I were you”, then proceed to demonstrate you’re Alexander the Great by conquering the other half as well, while showing the Persian emperor he can run but he can’t hide.

Alexander’s conquest of the Persian Empire is also one of those wars that I style as adventurous wars – wars that resemble or evoke a tale of epic adventure, charismatic leaders and small heroic bands of warriors fighting against the odds to win. Indeed, Alexander and his conquests became just that – a historical and legendary source for tales of epic adventure

“Alexander became legendary as a classical hero in the mould of Achilles, featuring prominently in the historical and mythical traditions of both Greek and non-Greek cultures. His military achievements and unprecedented enduring successes in battle made him the measure against which many later military leaders would compare themselves, and his tactics remain a significant subject of study”.

Other wars in my Top 10 Wars that might be similarly styled as ‘adventurous’ wars are the Mongol Conquests and the Spanish Conquest of the Americas – to which one might also add my special mentions for the Arab Conquests and Viking Invasions.

Of course, this sets aside the distinctly unadventurous nature of wars to those at the pointed end of their destruction, usually on the other side, but also those who end up as casualties on the same side. Alexander’s conquests were no exception – infamously, he personally killed Cleitus the Black in a drunken altercation, the man who had saved his life at Granicus.

Of those wars I’ve styled as adventurous wars, I’d have to rank the Spanish conquest the highest in terms of just how lopsided or overwhelming the numerical odds were against it (for the Aztecs and even more so the Incas), victories unparalleled in history, even by Alexander. That said, Alexander did face overwhelming odds against him and his Greek or Macedonian forces, both in individual battles and the conquest of the Persian Empire as a whole.

In fairness, Alexander also probably started in the best position of all the leaders in those adventurous wars, having inherited the Macedonian state and its phalanxes honed to one of the finest fighting forces in history by his father Philip – although on the other hand, it is hard to imagine that Philip or any other Macedonian leader had the audacity or acumen to achieve Alexander’s conquest of the whole Persian Empire.

 

ART OF WAR

 

Let’s face it – Alexander the Great would have kicked Sun Tzu’s ass, cutting through all that mystic Taoist poetry like the Gordian knot. I know it and you know it. Did I mention this as an Alexander the Great fan account?

 

WORLD WAR

 

I think it would be overstating to it to claim that Alexander the Great fought and won the first world war, but you know he would have kept going through India if his army hadn’t wimped out on him.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE PERSIAN WARS

 

Alexander’s conquests might be done and dusted – indeed, pretty much after he died as so much relied on his personal charisma. However, the Persian empire was replaced by Greek kingdoms founded by Alexander’s generals, which would cast a long shadow in history even as they ultimately crumbled and the Persian empire rebooted against the Romans.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

Alexander’s Conquest of the Persian Empire combines the alternate history extravaganza of those wars that hinge on one man as commander or conqueror, with those where the actual outcome seems the implausible alternative history scenario by winning against impossible odds.

Although both should not be overstated – Alexander was more fortunate than some of his fellow conquerors by inheriting his father’s kingdom and even more so the army his father had forged into the instrument of hegemonic power.

Stil, it is hard to imagine anyone other than Alexander with the audacity or ability to achieve the same conquests. What if there was no Alexander? There almost wasn’t, with his lucky escape from death in the Battle of Granicus River, which would have seen his historic conquests nipped in the bud.

At the other end, there is the alternative history scenarios of what Alexander might have achieved if he had not died at only 32 years of age at the height of his achievements.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

Sorry Persia – I know you’re one of the great civilizations of ancient history, but the Greeks and Alexander the Great will always be the good guys to me.

 

RATING: 4 STARS*****
A-TIER (TOP-TIER)

 

 

Excerpt from Apocalypse Now, one of the most iconic Vietnam War films – with the ubiquitous helicopters that were one of the most iconic visual images of the war itself

 

(3) VIETNAM WAR (1954-1975)

 

The iconic twentieth century war after 1945 – as visual image in popular culture or imagination, and as metaphor and archetype in history or politics.

In terms of visual image in popular culture or imagination, Vietnam is a war most people can see in their mind’s eye, whether accurate or not. I have a theory that we all have a mythic or psychic geography of cities and landmarks we can see in our mind’s eye or psyche – and so too we each have a mythic or psychic history. And Vietnam looms large in our modern mythology.

It originates from the modern proliferation of visual images that inform our mythic or psychic geography and history – predominantly on screen in film or television. For Vietnam, there was the prevalence of images from the war itself, often stylized as the first war fought on television, which was a substantial part of why the American civilian population and government turned against it, as well as fictional depictions of it in American mass media and popular culture.

The imagery from the war itself endured beyond the defeat of the Americans or of South Vietnam in those fictional depictions, including my favorite film of all time, Apocalypse Now. As such, Vietnam lent itself to the most enduring iconic images of war in the twentieth century – the ubiquitous choppers or helicopters, the Viet Cong or Charlie, napalm, fragging, My Lai, Tet, the fall of Saigon, and so on.

And the endurance of the Vietnam War in history is also in large part because of its historical significance, not least because it continues as an enduring historical Rorschach test or metaphor. President Kennedy famously quipped that while victory has a thousand fathers, defeat is an orphan. Ironically, however, that quip doesn’t apply to Vietnam, where almost everyone seems to claim it as vindication for their own ideas or ideologies – although the only ones who might do so unequivocally would be the Vietnamese themselves.

Our entry here is for the Vietnam War involving the United States in varying levels of engagement from about 1954, with the height of its military engagement from about 1965 to 1972. However, that war was also the Second Indochina War, following almost directly from the First Indochina War 1945-1954 against the French colonial regime – and in turn followed by the Third Indochina War 1975-1991, primarily between Vietnam and Cambodia but also the brief Sino-Vietnamese War against Vietnam’s former Chinese ally. And arguably these are part of a long line of Vietnam Wars, dating back to Vietnamese resistance to Imperial China and the Mongols.

American historiography of the war often poses the questions of whether the war was justifiable or moral, and whether it was winnable – with a tendency to answer both questions in the negative, although that is clouded by the historical reality of defeat on one hand and parallels with the Korean War on the other. It’s as much a part of that historical Rorschach test as the rest of the war.

At very least, the Americans should have queried how they could improve upon the French defeat, let alone double down on it. In this, ironically, they lapsed into similar errors of military judgement as Germany in both world wars in their failure to understand the nature of war, which involved understanding the limitations of military force in war and limitations of national power in the world.

I’ve seen arguments, with various degrees of persuasive force although I have yet to be persuaded by them, as to how the United States might have “won” – interestingly, these seem to cluster either near its starting point or its finishing point, with the former being more persuasive for obvious reasons, although with the obvious counterpoint that not starting it at all may have been better yet.

Finally, as a historical archetype, Vietnam seems to combine most of the predominant threads of war in the twentieth century – anti-colonial war or war of independence, civil war, proxy war, and most famously above all, guerrilla war or insurgency, perhaps the definitive type of war in the twentieth century (and beyond).

 

ART OF WAR

 

It’s been famously said that the Americans won all the battles but lost the war. However, almost as famous is the Vietnamese rejoinder (to Col. Harry Summers Jr) – “That may be so. But it is also irrelevant.” And so it was, as for the Vietnamese, the Vietnam War was not about battles but winning the war – which was a matter of endurance or outlasting their adversary.

It, along with other successful modern insurgencies, has often led to observations of guerrilla warfare as synonymous with, or even definitive of the art of war. Not so much in pre-modern history – although it did occur in the right circumstances, you don’t tend to hear too much of successful guerrilla warfare, because states were prepared to wipe out or displace entire populations to eliminate resistance.

However, counter-insurgency in modern warfare is notoriously tricky. There is arguably a modern, smart way of winning against insurgency, or there remains the more brutal way, but few modern states have demonstrated the means or above all patience to achieve the former without invariably lapsing into the latter or something resembling it. Just ask the Americans about the coup against Diem, My Lai, the bombing, napalm, Agent Orange or the Phoenix program.

Of course, insurgency can be tricky as well. After all, what do you do with all your forces while you are avoiding all those battles – but at the same time hoping to expand your political control? Insurgencies often default to a brutal answer – killing civilians. You know, those civilian collaborators or representatives of your enemy. Even those insurgencies seen as the “good” ones. Just ask the city of Hue during the Tet Offensive.

 

WORLD WAR

 

Vietnam as world war? Surely not? Although even in strict terms of combat, Vietnam was not that localized as a battlefield. It was after all the Indochina War – expanding to Laos and Cambodia, while also involving China and Thailand at its borders.

Beyond that, it evolved from being part of one world war to another. The Vietnamese resistance to French colonialism was caught up in the Second World War – involving Americans, Chinese, Japanese and British one way or another in Indochina. And after the Second World War, the Americans sponsored the French in the First Indochina War, before becoming involved more directly in the Second Indochina War after France was defeated. And that was part of the larger cold war – with the Soviet Union and China provided substantial aid or forces to North Vietnam, while Australia, South Korea and the Philippines all provided combat forces to support the Americans and South Vietnam.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE VIETNAM WAR

 

The stereotypical Vietnam veteran is or was often depicted as “still fighting the Vietnam War” – I’m not sure to what extent that stereotype is accurate, such as whether they may have had disproportionately high rates of PTSD. Beyond that, the Vietnam War cast a long shadow, particularly with refugees and persistent allegations of MIAs or prisoners retained by Vietnam.

For the actual Vietnam War, we’re not still fighting it. If anything, Vietnam is probably more positive or even a potential ally towards the United States than it is to its former ally, China.

But for the Vietnam War as enduring imagery, metaphor and archetype, we’re still fighting the Vietnam War – with new wars constantly being compared to it.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

My top ten entry second only to the American Indian Wars for the seeming inevitability of its historical outcome, particularly with hindsight of similar American failures or defeats since, most notably the Afghanistan War that eerily echoes it.

Indeed, the more plausible alternative history scenarios usually propose the United States not being engaged or involved in it at all, or at least in lesser degrees of engagement or involvement. Military historian H.P. Willmott opines that fighting a limited war necessarily involves accepting the possibility of defeat as one of the limitations.

As I noted, some American historiography does pose the question of whether the war was winnable, usually overlapping with the question of whether it was justifiable or moral – and usually with a tendency to answer both questions in the negative. I’ve seen scenarios argued with various degrees of plausibility as to how the United States might have “won”, clustered either near its starting point or its finishing point, with the former being more persuasive for obvious reasons, although with the obvious counterpoint that not starting it at all may have been better yet.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS AND BAD GUYS

 

Defeat may be more an orphan – and never more so than in terms of morality for the defeated. Not many people these days tend to argue for the Americans as the good guys, although that begs the question of how one distinguishes it from, say, the Korean War, which tends not to be seen in the same terms.

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GOD TIER)

 

NATO vs Warsaw Pact 1949-1990 by Discombobulates for Wikipedia “Cold War” under licence https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/deed.en

 

(2) COLD WAR (1945-1991)

 

Cold War? Can I get a Cool War instead?

The Cold War between the United States and the Soviet Union that defined much of the twentieth century, where the logic of avoiding directly fighting each other was reinforced by the mutually assured destruction of nuclear weapons.

Cold wars are a recurring theme in history. Even before modern firepower or nuclear weapons, states often sought to avoid outright war with other states, particularly where they were evenly matched. Wars are costly and destructive, especially big or long wars of attrition, and even when you win, you often still lose. There’s a reason Pyrrhic victory is a term.

Of course, the majority of wars in history have been hot wars, in which states have actively fought each other, but even those have often been preceded or punctuated by periods of cold war, albeit where the participants often maneuvered against each other for advantage.

The period from 1933 to 1939 might be regarded as a three-sided cold war before the biggest hot war in history, in which Nazi Germany and other fascist states, the western democracies, and the Soviet Union all maneuvered with or against each other.

The Great Game between the British and Russian empires in the nineteenth to twentieth centuries might be regarded as another cold war. Indeed, in many ways the Cold War replayed much of the same territory, literally and metaphorically.

The Roman-Persian Wars obviously did not persist for six centuries entirely as active fighting or hot war, but were punctuated by cold war. Indeed, the Romans and Persians might well have paid more heed to cold war logic of avoiding directly fighting each other, since their exhaustion from war led to their defeat or conquest by the new antagonist of the Arabs under the banner of Islam.

The Greek-Persian Wars offer a better example of cold war, although there the cold war logic for the Persians arose from their costly defeats at the hands of the Greeks. Indeed, the Persians arguably did much better in their cold war strategy of supporting the Greek city states fighting each other.

Of course, that might be said of cold war strategies in general, with states doing better than they would directly fighting their antagonists. Imperial Germany would have done better if it had waged cold war rather than world war, as would have any successor that showed more restraint or strategy than the Nazi regime.

But of course, there’s no cold war like the Cold War.

The narrative of the Cold War could be the subject of its own top ten (or several) and is well known even through the lens of popular culture. Its origins extend all the way back to 1917 with the formation of the first communist regime that would remain one of its two principal antagonists, the Soviet Union.

However, its immediate origin and primary front was in Europe after the Second World War, once the defeat of Germany removed the common enemy of the two powers left standing as superpowers, the United States and the Soviet Union. The former allies preserved some of their wartime cooperation until the defeat of Japan, which then saw Asia open as the second and far more active front in the Cold War, particularly after the victory of the communist regime in China in 1949.

Ironically, while Europe remained the primary front, that took the form of the two rival alliances, NATO and the Warsaw Pact, besieging each other while deterred from making the cold war hot by the mutually assured destruction of nuclear war – that is, apart from the Soviet Union’s military intervention to suppress rebellions in or by its Warsaw Pact allies.

From Europe and Asia, the arenas of Cold War contest spread throughout the world, far more pervasively than the world wars ever did in every way but for direct and open military combat between the United States and the Soviet Union.

The Cold War might further be divided into phases, with one of the more common proposing the last part of the Cold War from the 1970s or 1980s as the Second Cold War. That last part, from the 1970s or 1980s to 1991 saw the United States regain the upper hand or superiority in the Cold War, not least by a de facto alliance with China after the Sino-Soviet split, ultimately to win it with the collapse of communist regimes throughout the Warsaw Pact as well as the collapse of the Soviet Union itself.

The upper hand of the United States at the end of the Cold War mirrored the upper hand or superiority it had at the start, broadly speaking from the 1940s to the early 1960s. The nadir of American Cold War fortunes came in the 1960s and 1970s, when the United States was at more of a disadvantage and the Soviet Union achieved strategic nuclear parity. Those decades were also the high-water mark for the Soviet Union and the extent or reach of its global influence.

 

ART OF WAR

 

Ironically, cold war strategy is the essence of the art of war of winning without fighting. Which the Americans and their allies did, although not without some lapses on their part – most notably land wars in Asia. Indeed, it might be said the Second World War and Cold War were the peak of the American art of war.

Although I’m not sure what Sun Tzu would have thought of his art of war being applied from the logic of nuclear weapons and mutually assured destruction.

 

WORLD WAR

 

Not least in how pervasive it was, both in the forms of its conflict, including hot wars by proxy, and its extent (as well as its stakes, that threatened the world itself). The Cold War extended through more of the world than the Second World War, which had largely left sub-Saharan Africa and Latin America unaffected, although ironically not so much Europe, despite the masses of military force the opposing sides gathered there

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE WAR

 

We’re all Cold Warriors now. Not against the Soviet Union of course but pundits always seem to be declaring the new or next cold war.

Also the same logic of avoiding direct fighting has persisted even after the end of the Cold War, such that it might be regarded as the default standard of modern conflict. Of course it looms largest between nuclear-armed states, but also arises from just how costly it is to deploy modern firepower, or even to engage in low-level conflicts against insurgencies or guerilla combatants.

 

ALTERNATE WAR – COLD WAR

 

The Cold War is something of an alternate history scenario paradox. On the one hand, its historical outcome of American victory also seems the most plausible, particularly with American superiority at the start and end of the Cold War.

On the other hand, the Cold War offers a plethora of alternative history scenarios. Even in terms of its outcome of American victory, in a conflict extending for half a century (or longer if you calculate it from the formation of the Soviet Union in 1917), there’s a lot of scope for American miscalculations or mistakes, more or greater than those that occurred in history, to potentially affect that outcome.

That’s particularly so for the middle of the Cold War in the 1960s and 1970s, when the United States was at its greatest disadvantage relative to the Soviet Union, but also applies even for American superiority at the start or end of the Cold War – at least as to whether the United States could have improved upon the historical outcome, or whether the Soviet Union could have avoided collapse.

Some pose the question of whether either or both the United States and Soviet Union could have avoided the Cold War altogether.

Uniquely among my top ten entries (and for all but a handful of wars in contemporary history), the Cold War also has alternate history scenarios where everybody loses – the scenario of the Cold War turning hot with a nuclear exchange.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

I’ve always been a Cold Warrior – as in believing in the morality of its cause and the necessity of its purpose as a war that needed to be fought, although not necessarily in all aspects of the way that it was fought.

So…USA! USA! USA!

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GOD TIER)

 

Taxis to Hell – and Back – Into the Jaws of Death, an iconic image of men of the 16th Infantry Regiment, US 1st Infantry Division wading ashore from their landing craft on Omaha Beach on the morning of D-Day, 6 June 1944, public domain image photographed by Chief Photographer’s Mate (CPHoM) Robert F. Sargent (and used in Wikipedia “Normandy landings”)

 

(1) SECOND WORLD WAR (1939-1945)

 

Yes – it’s the big one. The Cold War may have threatened to be bigger, but there are no world wars to rival the wars that are officially known as such, particularly the Second World War, which was more destructive, extensive and pervasive than the First, despite largely being a continuation of it.

The narrative of WW2 is worthy of its own top ten and is well known, even in popular culture and imagination, albeit often distorted or sensationalized. It featured almost every aspect of modern warfare, while remaining unique in others – not least being fought to a conclusive result and destruction of enemy states rarely paralleled in modern history.

My favorite historian of it – H.P. Willmott – has quipped that, paradoxically, WW2 might be regarded as the last war of the 19th century and WW1 was the first war of the 20th century. I understand that to mean WW2 was closer to 19th century wars, in part because the technology and technique of offensive mobility won out over defensive firepower and attrition – briefly and with waning effect through the war’s duration – while its predecessor was more characteristic of 20th century wars that followed it.

Or alternatively, WW2 was closer to the model of the Franco-Prussian War, at least in its European opening, or the Napoleonic Wars in its continuation within Europe. On the other hand, WW1 was closer to the American Civil War as the true precursor of twentieth century warfare, with the western front of the latter resembling the eastern theater of the latter, only with even more lethal firepower. Indeed, WW1 is sometimes dubbed a European Civil War. It’s a pity that European powers, particularly Germany, seemed to have reflected less on the American Civil War than the Franco-Prussian War for future wars.

Ironically, however, WW1 finished by armistice in a manner closer to the Franco-Prussian War except with France and Germany reversed, while the WW2 was fought to unconditional surrender like the American Civil War. For that matter, H.P. Willmott has also observed that the war of the United States against Japan in WW2 uncannily resembled the former’s war against the Confederacy.

And speaking of the United States, my own quip is that the Second World War is the American Iliad, while the Cold War is the American Odyssey. USA! USA! USA!

 

ART OF WAR

 

The theme of H.P. Willmott’s The Great Crusade – the best single-volume history of the war – is the refutation of the popular myth of German military excellence. As he paraphrased Oscar Wilde, to lose one world war may be regarded as misfortune, to lose both looks like carelessness.

Contrary to the art of war, Germany military genius lay in fighting, not in war. When it came to understanding war and waging it, Germany was hopelessly outclassed by the Allies – a situation shared by Germany’s ally Japan. All Germany managed to achieve in two world wars was its encirclement and attrition by enemies with superior resources.

 

WORLD WAR

 

Well, obviously.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE SECOND WORLD WAR

 

Not so obviously – although the two world wars were essentially Europe’s new Thirty Years War 1914-1945. And of course beyond that, there was the cold war – such that some historians have classed both world wars and the Cold War as the Long War 1914-1991. And beyond that…

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

Yes – it’s the big one for alternate war…and it isn’t.

Alternate history scenarios for German victory in the Second World War are the most prolific and popular of all alternate history scenarios – in fiction, such that it has whole anthologies and its own entry in the Encyclopedia of Science Fiction.

And yet, such alternate history scenarios seem so much less plausible than the actual historical outcome of Allied victory – so much so that German victory seems an incredible long shot from the outset, only getting longer the further you go into the war. Indeed, the more plausible alternate history scenarios would seem to involve the Allies doing better than they actually did, even posing the historical question of how the Germans were able to do anywhere near as well as they did – including how they were even able to get to the position they could start the war at all. For that matter, the most plausible alternate history scenarios of German “victory” are those that involve Germany not fighting the war in the first place.

There are alternate history scenarios for Japanese victory in the Second World War but they tend to be only as a consequence or side effect of German victory – often with things looking grim between the two of them after their shared victory (as in The Man in the High Castle, where Germany is planning to attack Japan).

As for alternate history scenarios for Italian victory…I’ll just leave it here like the joke it is. Come to think of it, the whole Axis seems like set-up for a joke, albeit with a black sense of humor for its casualties and destruction – “Germany, Italy, and Japan walk into a war…”

And really, Germany should not regard itself as all that different from Italy when it comes to alternate history victory scenarios – as I like to quip, paraphrasing the witticism that the Soviet Union was just Upper Volta with rockets in the Cold War, Nazi Germany was just Italy with rockets in the Second World War.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

Again, well obviously – with WW2 probably the closest example in history to an actual war in black and white moral terms. To quote Bart Simpson, there are no good wars, with the following exceptions – the American Revolution, World War Two and the Star Wars trilogy.

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GOD TIER)

 

 

 

 

TOP 10 WARS: TIER LIST

 

S-TIER (GOD TIER)

(1) SECOND WORLD WAR
(2) COLD WAR
(3) VIETNAM WAR

 

If the Second World War is my Old Testament of war, the Cold War is my New Testament – and the Vietnam War is my apocalypse…now (heh)

Alternatively, the Second World War is my Iliad and the Cold War is my Odyssey – as they are for the US, with WW2 as the American Iliad and the Cold War as the American Odyssey

 

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

(4) ALEXANDER’S CONQUESTS OF PERSIAN EMPIRE
(5) MONGOL CONQUESTS INVASION OF EUROPE
(6) GREEK-PERSIAN WARS
(7) PUNIC WARS – SECOND PUNIC WAR
(8) HUNNIC WARS – INVASION OF ROMAN EMPIRE
(9) SPANISH CONQUEST – AZTEC EMPIRE
(10) AMERICAN INDIAN WARS – SIOUX WARS

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped): (1) Second World War

 

Taxis to Hell – and Back – Into the Jaws of Death, an iconic image of men of the 16th Infantry Regiment, US 1st Infantry Division wading ashore from their landing craft on Omaha Beach on the morning of D-Day, 6 June 1944, public domain image photographed by Chief Photographer’s Mate (CPHoM) Robert F. Sargent (and used in Wikipedia “Normandy landings”)

 

(1) SECOND WORLD WAR (1939-1945)

 

Yes – it’s the big one. The Cold War may have threatened to be bigger, but there are no world wars to rival the wars that are officially known as such, particularly the Second World War, which was more destructive, extensive and pervasive than the First, despite largely being a continuation of it.

The narrative of WW2 is worthy of its own top ten and is well known, even in popular culture and imagination, albeit often distorted or sensationalized. It featured almost every aspect of modern warfare, while remaining unique in others – not least being fought to a conclusive result and destruction of enemy states rarely paralleled in modern history.

My favorite historian of it – H.P. Willmott – has quipped that, paradoxically, WW2 might be regarded as the last war of the 19th century and WW1 was the first war of the 20th century. I understand that to mean WW2 was closer to 19th century wars, in part because the technology and technique of offensive mobility won out over defensive firepower and attrition – briefly and with waning effect through the war’s duration – while its predecessor was more characteristic of 20th century wars that followed it.

Or alternatively, WW2 was closer to the model of the Franco-Prussian War, at least in its European opening, or the Napoleonic Wars in its continuation within Europe. On the other hand, WW1 was closer to the American Civil War as the true precursor of twentieth century warfare, with the western front of the latter resembling the eastern theater of the latter, only with even more lethal firepower. Indeed, WW1 is sometimes dubbed a European Civil War. It’s a pity that European powers, particularly Germany, seemed to have reflected less on the American Civil War than the Franco-Prussian War for future wars.

Ironically, however, WW1 finished by armistice in a manner closer to the Franco-Prussian War except with France and Germany reversed, while the WW2 was fought to unconditional surrender like the American Civil War. For that matter, H.P. Willmott has also observed that the war of the United States against Japan in WW2 uncannily resembled the former’s war against the Confederacy.

And speaking of the United States, my own quip is that the Second World War is the American Iliad, while the Cold War is the American Odyssey. USA! USA! USA!

 

ART OF WAR

 

The theme of H.P. Willmott’s The Great Crusade – the best single-volume history of the war – is the refutation of the popular myth of German military excellence. As he paraphrased Oscar Wilde, to lose one world war may be regarded as misfortune, to lose both looks like carelessness.

Contrary to the art of war, Germany military genius lay in fighting, not in war. When it came to understanding war and waging it, Germany was hopelessly outclassed by the Allies – a situation shared by Germany’s ally Japan. All Germany managed to achieve in two world wars was its encirclement and attrition by enemies with superior resources.

 

WORLD WAR

 

Well, obviously.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE SECOND WORLD WAR

 

Not so obviously – although the two world wars were essentially Europe’s new Thirty Years War 1914-1945. And of course beyond that, there was the cold war – such that some historians have classed both world wars and the Cold War as the Long War 1914-1991. And beyond that…

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

Yes – it’s the big one for alternate war…and it isn’t.

Alternate history scenarios for German victory in the Second World War are the most prolific and popular of all alternate history scenarios – in fiction, such that it has whole anthologies and its own entry in the Encyclopedia of Science Fiction.

And yet, such alternate history scenarios seem so much less plausible than the actual historical outcome of Allied victory – so much so that German victory seems an incredible long shot from the outset, only getting longer the further you go into the war. Indeed, the more plausible alternate history scenarios would seem to involve the Allies doing better than they actually did, even posing the historical question of how the Germans were able to do anywhere near as well as they did – including how they were even able to get to the position they could start the war at all. For that matter, the most plausible alternate history scenarios of German “victory” are those that involve Germany not fighting the war in the first place.

There are alternate history scenarios for Japanese victory in the Second World War but they tend to be only as a consequence or side effect of German victory – often with things looking grim between the two of them after their shared victory (as in The Man in the High Castle, where Germany is planning to attack Japan).

As for alternate history scenarios for Italian victory…I’ll just leave it here like the joke it is. Come to think of it, the whole Axis seems like set-up for a joke, albeit with a black sense of humor for its casualties and destruction – “Germany, Italy, and Japan walk into a war…”

And really, Germany should not regard itself as all that different from Italy when it comes to alternate history victory scenarios – as I like to quip, paraphrasing the witticism that the Soviet Union was just Upper Volta with rockets in the Cold War, Nazi Germany was just Italy with rockets in the Second World War.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

Again, well obviously – with WW2 probably the closest example in history to an actual war in black and white moral terms. To quote Bart Simpson, there are no good wars, with the following exceptions – the American Revolution, World War Two and the Star Wars trilogy.

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GOD TIER)

 

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped) (2) Cold War

 

NATO vs Warsaw Pact 1949-1990 by Discombobulates for Wikipedia “Cold War” under licence https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/deed.en

 

(2) COLD WAR (1945-1991)

 

Cold War? Can I get a Cool War instead?

The Cold War between the United States and the Soviet Union that defined much of the twentieth century, where the logic of avoiding directly fighting each other was reinforced by the mutually assured destruction of nuclear weapons.

Cold wars are a recurring theme in history. Even before modern firepower or nuclear weapons, states often sought to avoid outright war with other states, particularly where they were evenly matched. Wars are costly and destructive, especially big or long wars of attrition, and even when you win, you often still lose. There’s a reason Pyrrhic victory is a term.

Of course, the majority of wars in history have been hot wars, in which states have actively fought each other, but even those have often been preceded or punctuated by periods of cold war, albeit where the participants often maneuvered against each other for advantage.

The period from 1933 to 1939 might be regarded as a three-sided cold war before the biggest hot war in history, in which Nazi Germany and other fascist states, the western democracies, and the Soviet Union all maneuvered with or against each other.

The Great Game between the British and Russian empires in the nineteenth to twentieth centuries might be regarded as another cold war. Indeed, in many ways the Cold War replayed much of the same territory, literally and metaphorically.

The Roman-Persian Wars obviously did not persist for six centuries entirely as active fighting or hot war, but were punctuated by cold war. Indeed, the Romans and Persians might well have paid more heed to cold war logic of avoiding directly fighting each other, since their exhaustion from war led to their defeat or conquest by the new antagonist of the Arabs under the banner of Islam.

The Greek-Persian Wars offer a better example of cold war, although there the cold war logic for the Persians arose from their costly defeats at the hands of the Greeks. Indeed, the Persians arguably did much better in their cold war strategy of supporting the Greek city states fighting each other.

Of course, that might be said of cold war strategies in general, with states doing better than they would directly fighting their antagonists. Imperial Germany would have done better if it had waged cold war rather than world war, as would have any successor that showed more restraint or strategy than the Nazi regime.

But of course, there’s no cold war like the Cold War.

The narrative of the Cold War could be the subject of its own top ten (or several) and is well known even through the lens of popular culture. Its origins extend all the way back to 1917 with the formation of the first communist regime that would remain one of its two principal antagonists, the Soviet Union.

However, its immediate origin and primary front was in Europe after the Second World War, once the defeat of Germany removed the common enemy of the two powers left standing as superpowers, the United States and the Soviet Union. The former allies preserved some of their wartime cooperation until the defeat of Japan, which then saw Asia open as the second and far more active front in the Cold War, particularly after the victory of the communist regime in China in 1949.

Ironically, while Europe remained the primary front, that took the form of the two rival alliances, NATO and the Warsaw Pact, besieging each other while deterred from making the cold war hot by the mutually assured destruction of nuclear war – that is, apart from the Soviet Union’s military intervention to suppress rebellions in or by its Warsaw Pact allies.

From Europe (and the Middle East) and Asia, the arenas of Cold War contest spread throughout the world, far more pervasively than the world wars ever did in every way but for direct and open military combat between the United States and the Soviet Union.

The Cold War might further be divided into phases, with one of the more common proposing the last part of the Cold War from the 1970s or 1980s as the Second Cold War. That last part, from the 1970s or 1980s to 1991 saw the United States regain the upper hand or superiority in the Cold War, not least by a de facto alliance with China after the Sino-Soviet split, ultimately to win it with the collapse of communist regimes throughout the Warsaw Pact as well as the collapse of the Soviet Union itself.

The upper hand of the United States at the end of the Cold War mirrored the upper hand or superiority it had at the start, broadly speaking from the 1940s to the early 1960s. The nadir of American Cold War fortunes came in the 1960s and 1970s, when the United States was at more of a disadvantage and the Soviet Union achieved strategic nuclear parity. Those decades were also the high-water mark for the Soviet Union and the extent or reach of its global influence.

 

ART OF WAR

 

Ironically, cold war strategy is the essence of the art of war of winning without fighting. Which the Americans and their allies did, although not without some lapses on their part – most notably land wars in Asia. Indeed, it might be said the Second World War and Cold War were the peak of the American art of war.

Although I’m not sure what Sun Tzu would have thought of his art of war being applied from the logic of nuclear weapons and mutually assured destruction.

 

WORLD WAR

 

Not least in how pervasive it was, both in the forms of its conflict, including hot wars by proxy, and its extent (as well as its stakes, that threatened the world itself). The Cold War extended through more of the world than the Second World War, which had largely left sub-Saharan Africa and Latin America unaffected, although ironically not so much Europe, despite the masses of military force the opposing sides gathered there

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE WAR

 

We’re all Cold Warriors now. Not against the Soviet Union of course but pundits always seem to be declaring the new or next cold war.

Also the same logic of avoiding direct fighting has persisted even after the end of the Cold War, such that it might be regarded as the default standard of modern conflict. Of course it looms largest between nuclear-armed states, but also arises from just how costly it is to deploy modern firepower, or even to engage in low-level conflicts against insurgencies or guerilla combatants.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

The Cold War is something of an alternate history scenario paradox. On the one hand, its historical outcome of American victory also seems the most plausible, particularly with American superiority at the start and end of the Cold War.

On the other hand, the Cold War offers a plethora of alternative history scenarios. Even in terms of its outcome of American victory, in a conflict extending for half a century (or longer if you calculate it from the formation of the Soviet Union in 1917), there’s a lot of scope for American miscalculations or mistakes, more or greater than those that occurred in history, to potentially affect that outcome.

That’s particularly so for the middle of the Cold War in the 1960s and 1970s, when the United States was at its greatest disadvantage relative to the Soviet Union, but also applies even for American superiority at the start or end of the Cold War – at least as to whether the United States could have improved upon the historical outcome, or whether the Soviet Union could have avoided collapse.

Some pose the question of whether either or both the United States and Soviet Union could have avoided the Cold War altogether.

Uniquely among my top ten entries (and for all but a handful of wars in contemporary history), the Cold War also has those alternate history scenarios where everybody loses – the scenario of the Cold War turning hot with a nuclear exchange.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

I’ve always been a Cold Warrior – as in believing in the morality of its cause and the necessity of its purpose as a war that needed to be fought, although not necessarily in all aspects of the way that it was fought.

So…USA! USA! USA!

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GOD TIER)

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped) (3) Vietnam War

 

Excerpt from Apocalypse Now, one of the most iconic Vietnam War films – with the ubiquitous helicopters that were one of the most iconic visual images of the war itself

 

(3) VIETNAM WAR (1954-1975)

 

The iconic twentieth century war after 1945 – as visual image in popular culture or imagination, and as metaphor and archetype in history or politics.

In terms of visual image in popular culture or imagination, Vietnam is a war most people can see in their mind’s eye, whether accurate or not. I have a theory that we all have a mythic or psychic geography of cities and landmarks we can see in our mind’s eye or psyche – and so too we each have a mythic or psychic history. And Vietnam looms large in our modern mythology.

It originates from the modern proliferation of visual images that inform our mythic or psychic geography and history – predominantly on screen in film or television. For Vietnam, there was the prevalence of images from the war itself, often stylized as the first war fought on television, which was a substantial part of why the American civilian population and government turned against it, as well as fictional depictions of it in American mass media and popular culture.

The imagery from the war itself endured beyond the defeat of the Americans or of South Vietnam in those fictional depictions, including my favorite film of all time, Apocalypse Now. As such, Vietnam lent itself to the most enduring iconic images of war in the twentieth century – the ubiquitous choppers or helicopters, the Viet Cong or Charlie, napalm, fragging, My Lai, Tet, the fall of Saigon, and so on.

And the endurance of the Vietnam War in history is also in large part because of its historical significance, not least because it continues as an enduring historical Rorschach test or metaphor. President Kennedy famously quipped that while victory has a thousand fathers, defeat is an orphan. Ironically, however, that quip doesn’t apply to Vietnam, where almost everyone seems to claim it as vindication for their own ideas or ideologies – although the only ones who might do so unequivocally would be the Vietnamese themselves.

Our entry here is for the Vietnam War involving the United States in varying levels of engagement from about 1954, with the height of its military engagement from about 1965 to 1972. However, that war was also the Second Indochina War, following almost directly from the First Indochina War 1945-1954 against the French colonial regime – and in turn followed by the Third Indochina War 1975-1991, primarily between Vietnam and Cambodia but also the brief Sino-Vietnamese War against Vietnam’s former Chinese ally. And arguably these are part of a long line of Vietnam Wars, dating back to Vietnamese resistance to Imperial China and the Mongols.

American historiography of the war often poses the questions of whether the war was justifiable or moral, and whether it was winnable – with a tendency to answer both questions in the negative, although that is clouded by the historical reality of defeat on one hand and parallels with the Korean War on the other. It’s as much a part of that historical Rorschach test as the rest of the war.

At very least, the Americans should have queried how they could improve upon the French defeat, let alone double down on it. In this, ironically, they lapsed into similar errors of military judgement as Germany in both world wars in their failure to understand the nature of war, which involved understanding the limitations of military force in war and limitations of national power in the world.

I’ve seen arguments, with various degrees of persuasive force although I have yet to be persuaded by them, as to how the United States might have “won” – interestingly, these seem to cluster either near its starting point or its finishing point, with the former being more persuasive for obvious reasons, although with the obvious counterpoint that not starting it at all may have been better yet.

Finally, as a historical archetype, Vietnam seems to combine most of the predominant threads of war in the twentieth century – anti-colonial war or war of independence, civil war, proxy war, and most famously above all, guerrilla war or insurgency, perhaps the definitive type of war in the twentieth century (and beyond).

 

ART OF WAR

 

It’s been famously said that the Americans won all the battles but lost the war. However, almost as famous is the Vietnamese rejoinder (to Col. Harry Summers Jr) – “That may be so. But it is also irrelevant.” And so it was, as for the Vietnamese, the Vietnam War was not about battles but winning the war – which was a matter of endurance or outlasting their adversary.

It, along with other successful modern insurgencies, has often led to observations of guerrilla warfare as synonymous with, or even definitive of the art of war. Not so much in pre-modern history – although it did occur in the right circumstances, you don’t tend to hear too much of successful guerrilla warfare, because states were prepared to wipe out or displace entire populations to eliminate resistance.

However, counter-insurgency in modern warfare is notoriously tricky. There is arguably a modern, smart way of winning against insurgency, or there remains the more brutal way, but few modern states have demonstrated the means or above all patience to achieve the former without invariably lapsing into the latter or something resembling it. Just ask the Americans about the coup against Diem, My Lai, the bombing, napalm, Agent Orange or the Phoenix program.

Of course, insurgency can be tricky as well. After all, what do you do with all your forces while you are avoiding all those battles – but at the same time hoping to expand your political control? Insurgencies often default to a brutal answer – killing civilians. You know, those civilian collaborators or representatives of your enemy. Even those insurgencies seen as the “good” ones. Just ask the city of Hue during the Tet Offensive.

 

WORLD WAR

 

Vietnam as world war? Surely not? Although even in strict terms of combat, Vietnam was not that localized as a battlefield. It was after all the Indochina War – expanding to Laos and Cambodia, while also involving China and Thailand at its borders.

Beyond that, it evolved from being part of one world war to another. The Vietnamese resistance to French colonialism was caught up in the Second World War – involving Americans, Chinese, Japanese and British one way or another in Indochina. And after the Second World War, the Americans sponsored the French in the First Indochina War, before becoming involved more directly in the Second Indochina War after France was defeated. And that was part of the larger cold war – with the Soviet Union and China provided substantial aid or forces to North Vietnam, while Australia, South Korea and the Philippines all provided combat forces to support the Americans and South Vietnam.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE VIETNAM WAR

 

The stereotypical Vietnam veteran is or was often depicted as “still fighting the Vietnam War” – I’m not sure to what extent that stereotype is accurate, such as whether they may have had disproportionately high rates of PTSD. Beyond that, the Vietnam War cast a long shadow, particularly with refugees and persistent allegations of MIAs or prisoners retained by Vietnam.

For the actual Vietnam War, we’re not still fighting it. If anything, Vietnam is probably more positive or even a potential ally towards the United States than it is to its former ally, China.

But for the Vietnam War as enduring imagery, metaphor and archetype, we’re still fighting the Vietnam War – with new wars constantly being compared to it.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

My top ten entry second only to the American Indian Wars for the seeming inevitability of its historical outcome, particularly with hindsight of American failures or defeats since, most notably the Afghanistan War that eerily echoed it.

Indeed, the more plausible alternative history scenarios usually propose the United States not being engaged or involved in it at all, or at least in lesser degrees of engagement or involvement. Military historian H.P. Willmott opines that fighting a limited war necessarily involves accepting the possibility of defeat as one of the limitations.

As I noted, some American historiography does pose the question of whether the war was winnable, usually overlapping with the question of whether it was justifiable or moral – and usually with a tendency to answer both questions in the negative. I’ve seen scenarios argued with various degrees of plausibility as to how the United States might have “won”, clustered either near its starting point or its finishing point, with the former being more persuasive for obvious reasons, although with the obvious counterpoint that not starting it at all may have been better yet.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS AND BAD GUYS

 

Defeat may be more an orphan – and never more so than in terms of morality for the defeated. Not many people these days tend to argue for the Americans as the good guys, although that begs the question of how one distinguishes it from, say, the Korean War, which tends not to be seen in the same terms.

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GOD TIER)

Monday Night Mojo – Top 10 Music (Mojo & Funk): Special Mention (Mojo) (4) Dandy Warhols – Bohemian Like You

 

Promotional photo of band

 

(4) DANDY WARHOLS – BOHEMIAN LIKE YOU (2000)

B-side: We Used to Be Friends (2003)

“Cause I like you,

Yeah, I like you,

And I’m feelin’ so bohemian like you,

Yeah, I like you,

Yeah, I like you,

And I feel, whoa whoo!”

 

The Dandy Warhols are an American four-piece band, formed in Portland, Oregon in 1994. They are usually styled as ‘alternative rock’ but in the words of TV Tropes – “they’ve run the gamut from psychedelic rock to power pop, with the occasional rockabilly tune thrown in”. Wikipedia also throws in such genres as neo-psychedelia, garage rock, synthpop, shoegaze (?!) and dream pop.

In 2000, the band achieved more widespread popular success with their third studio album, Thirteen Tales from Urban Bohemia. While the album is a personal favorite of mine and I have a soft spot for the opening trio of songs (Godless, Mohammed and Nietzsche – hmm, something of a theme going on there), the standout (and breakout) single was this power pop entry, which also featured in other media (including Buffy the Vampire Slayer). The video was a playful spoof of karaoke music videos (complete with lyrics shown on-screen), as well as some more controversial pixelated nudity.

As for my B-side, I can’t go past the power pop of “We Used to Be Friends”, lead single from their next album, colorfully titled “Welcome to the Monkey House” (courtesy of Kurt Vonnegut)

 

RATING: 

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped) (4) Alexander’s Conquest of the Persian Empire

 

Alexander the Great on his horse Bucephalus in the Battle of Issus against Darius III – from the Alexander mosaic in the House of the Faun, Pompeii (public domain image)

 

(4) ALEXANDER’S CONQUEST OF THE PERSIAN EMPIRE (336-323 BC)

 

The Macedonian-Persian Wars of my namesake, Alexander the Great – the one exception to actually defeat and conquer the Persian Empire among the various Persian Wars, those recurring definitive wars of classical history fought by Greeks and Romans against successive Persian Empires over a millennium.

Of course, that was because Alexander’s conquest of the Persian Empire involved one of the finest fighting forces in history, the Macedonian phalanx, led by one of finest military leaders of history, without a defeat to his name, usually against numerical odds. That’s right – I’m an Alexander the Great and Gaugamela fanboy.

In fairness, Alexander was lucky, particularly in the opening of his campaign against the Persian Empire – narrowly escaping death at the Battle of the Granicus River. As the saying goes however, fortune favors the bold and Alexander was certainly bold, indeed to the point of personal recklessness, while the Persians were unlucky with their emperor, Darius III, who seemed cautious to the point of cowardly, notoriously fleeing his two big set-piece battles with Alexander at Issus and Gaugamela.

In fairness, Alexander was also legendary. Unable to untie the legendary insoluble Gordian knot of which it was prophesied that whoever untied it would conquer Asia? No problem – just cut it with your sword and go on to conquer Asia.

Faced with threat of the Persian navy which can strike at Greece behind your lines? No problem – just conquer the coastline of the Persian empire. Where’s your navy now, Persia?

Darius offers to surrender half his empire to you and your wimpy general Parmenion says you should accept? Sneer at him “I would too, if I were you”, then proceed to demonstrate you’re Alexander the Great by conquering the other half as well, while showing the Persian emperor he can run but he can’t hide.

Alexander’s conquest of the Persian Empire is also one of those wars that I style as adventurous wars – wars that resemble or evoke a tale of epic adventure, charismatic leaders and small heroic bands of warriors fighting against the odds to win. Indeed, Alexander and his conquests became just that – a historical and legendary source for tales of epic adventure

“Alexander became legendary as a classical hero in the mould of Achilles, featuring prominently in the historical and mythical traditions of both Greek and non-Greek cultures. His military achievements and unprecedented enduring successes in battle made him the measure against which many later military leaders would compare themselves, and his tactics remain a significant subject of study”.

Other wars in my Top 10 Wars that might be similarly styled as ‘adventurous’ wars are the Mongol Conquests and the Spanish Conquest of the Americas – to which one might also add my special mentions for the Arab Conquests and Viking Invasions.

Of course, this sets aside the distinctly unadventurous nature of wars to those at the pointed end of their destruction, usually on the other side, but also those who end up as casualties on the same side. Alexander’s conquests were no exception – infamously, he personally killed Cleitus the Black in a drunken altercation, the man who had saved his life at Granicus.

Of those wars I’ve styled as adventurous wars, I’d have to rank the Spanish conquest the highest in terms of just how lopsided or overwhelming the numerical odds were against it (for the Aztecs and even more so the Incas), victories unparalleled in history, even by Alexander. That said, Alexander did face overwhelming odds against him and his Greek or Macedonian forces, both in individual battles and the conquest of the Persian Empire as a whole.

In fairness, Alexander also probably started in the best position of all the leaders in those adventurous wars, having inherited the Macedonian state and its phalanxes honed to one of the finest fighting forces in history by his father Philip – although on the other hand, it is hard to imagine that Philip or any other Macedonian leader had the audacity or acumen to achieve Alexander’s conquest of the whole Persian Empire.

 

ART OF WAR

 

Let’s face it – Alexander the Great would have kicked Sun Tzu’s ass, cutting through all that mystic Taoist poetry like the Gordian knot. I know it and you know it. Did I mention this as an Alexander the Great fan account?

 

WORLD WAR

 

I think it would be overstating to it to claim that Alexander the Great fought and won the first world war, but you know he would have kept going through India if his army hadn’t wimped out on him.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE PERSIAN WARS

 

Alexander’s conquests might be done and dusted – indeed, pretty much after he died as so much relied on his personal charisma. However, the Persian empire was replaced by Greek kingdoms founded by Alexander’s generals, which would cast a long shadow in history even as they ultimately crumbled and the Persian empire rebooted against the Romans.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

Alexander’s Conquest of the Persian Empire combines the alternate history extravaganza of those wars that hinge on one man as commander or conqueror, with those where the actual outcome seems the implausible alternative history scenario by winning against impossible odds.

Although both should not be overstated – Alexander was more fortunate than some of his fellow conquerors by inheriting his father’s kingdom and even more so the army his father had forged into the instrument of hegemonic power.

Stil, it is hard to imagine anyone other than Alexander with the audacity or ability to achieve the same conquests. What if there was no Alexander? There almost wasn’t, with his lucky escape from death in the Battle of Granicus River, which would have seen his historic conquests nipped in the bud.

At the other end, there is the alternative history scenarios of what Alexander might have achieved if he had not died at only 32 years of age at the height of his achievements.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

Sorry Persia – I know you’re one of the great civilizations of ancient history, but the Greeks and Alexander the Great will always be the good guys to me.

 

RATING: 4 STARS*****
A-TIER (TOP-TIER)

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped) (5) Mongol Conquests – Mongol Invasion of Europe

 

The Battle of Legnica (Liegnitz or Wahlstatt) on 9th April 1241 during the first Mongol invasion of Poland – copper engraving by Matthäus Merian the Elder 1630 (public domain image – Wikipedia “Mongol Invasions and Conquests”)

 

(5) MONGOL CONQUESTS –
MONGOL INVASION OF EUROPE (1236-1242)

 

The Mongols were essentially a horse blitzkrieg across Eurasia, achieving a mobility and speed on land, exceeded only by modern mobile warfare using the internal combustion engine.

The horse blitzkrieg was a recurring feature mounted (heh) by nomadic herding tribes, particularly by those from the steppes of central Asia, to such devastating effect against more sedentary or settled agricultural states throughout history. I can’t resist the memorable quote by the Pax Romana Youtube channel that “history is mostly a matter of hoping those psychos on horseback don’t attack this summer, steal the grain and take the slaves”.

None were more supremely effective at it than the Mongols, one of the most proficient and versatile military forces in history – one that was also supremely adaptable at coopting its conquered people for further conquests and for strategies of war beyond their horse blitzkrieg. It’s surprising how small the actual Mongol component was of their forces.

The founder of the Mongol Empire – Temujin, better known as Genghis Khan – was the best military and political leader of his era, or arguably any era. He succeeded in unifying the Mongol tribes as the nucleus of his empire, which at his death stretched from northern China through Central Asia to Iran and the outskirts of European Russia. In doing so, the Mongols conquered glittering states along the Silk Road in central Asia that barely anyone remembers because the Mongols wiped them out so thoroughly – the Khwaraziman Empire of Iran and the Qara Khitai.

However, it is the wars of his successors that are particularly fascinating to me as they advanced into almost every corner of Eurasia.

In the Middle East, they besieged and sacked Baghdad, the center of Islamic power for half a millennia, occupying as far as parts of Syria and Turkey, with raids advancing as far as Gaza in Palestine, where they were stopped in the battle of Ain Jalut by the Mamluks of Egypt.

In East Asia, the Mongols did not face a unified China but two warring states, the Jin in northern China and the Sung in southern China. Genghis had largely defeated the former – his successors finished it off and conquered the Sung as well. The latter was most famously by Kublai Khan – and in Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree.

The Mongols also invaded Korea, Burma and Vietnam. It’s interesting to think of the Mongol Vietnam War, which as Vietnam Wars usually go, resulted in defeat for the Mongols. It’s also interesting, given the definitive horse blitzkrieg of the Mongols, that the Mongols launched naval invasions of Java and Japan, but perhaps not surprisingly neither did well – the latter giving rise to the Japanese word kamikaze or divine wind for the storms that scattered the Mongol invasion fleets.

However, I’m giving this entry to the campaigns of his successors most familiar to me from my Eurocentric perspective – the Mongol invasion of Europe, commanded in the field by one of the best Mongol generals, Subutai. The Mongols rolled over European Russia – over much of which they would remain ruling as the Golden Horde until the fifteenth century – and invaded central Europe, decisively defeating Poland and Hungary.

They were poised to strike into the heartland of Europe and the Holy Roman Empire, indeed raiding the latter (and the Balkans), with little to stop them but the English Channel – but fortunately for Europe, the Great Khan Ogedai died, so the Mongol armies withdrew back to Russia while their leaders returned to Mongolia to select the new Great Khan. Or so the story goes – historians vary on whether that was the true cause for the Mongols to desist from their invasion.

Even so, the Mongols continued to cast a long shadow of terror into Europe, reinforced by further raids in the thirteenth century (such that the raids of the 1280’s are sometimes styled as the second Mongol invasion) and fourteenth century.

And traumatizing Europeans with steak tartare, based on the popular legend of Mongol or ‘Tartar’ warriors tenderizing meat under their saddles and eating it at night after it had been ‘cooked’ by the heat and sweat from the horse.

 

ART OF WAR

 

Forget Sun Tzu – the true Art of War was written by Genghis Khan and the Mongols…in conquest. A friend and I used to observe the irony of Sun Tzu’s Art of War originating in China – a country that historically has gotten its ass kicked as often as not. (The same irony for Machiavelli’s The Prince originating in Italy – a country known for its political chaos).

But seriously – an army that conquered the world clearly excelled in the art of war. Ruling their conquests on the other hand…although in fairness any empire that size at that time was doomed to fragmentation.

 

WORLD WAR

 

The Mongol Conquests were nothing short of what should be described as a world war to create the largest contiguous land empire in history, and one that is still only exceeded by the British Empire – perhaps the most serious contender for the first true world war.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE MONGOL CONQUESTS

 

One of the few wars we’re not still fighting, even though we live in a Mongol-made world. The rising Russian state, with long memories of the Golden Horde, saw to that by conquering the steppes and various residual khanates (into the nineteenth century), but arguably inheriting their legacy and former territory as the new horde.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

The Mongol Conquests are an alternate history extravaganza, so incredibly exploding out of nowhere.

Well, perhaps not out of nowhere. The Mongols and the nomadic herding tribes on horseback in the Eurasian steppes consistently punched far above their weight in wealth or population until recently – as noted by military historians Azar Gat and John Keegan, as well as historian Walter Scheidel referring to this steppe effect.

Still, the Mongol Conquests are one of a select elite of wars of imperial conquest that seem to hinge on one man as commander or conqueror, begging the alternate history question of the great man theory of history – what if that great man didn’t happen? Without Temujin or Genghis Khan to unite them and lead them to empire, would the Mongol Conquests have ever begun?

And then there’s the other end of the Mongol Conquests, when the Mongols seem an unstoppable juggernaut, particularly in their invasions of Europe – could the Mongols have conquered Europe?

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

History has tended to overlook the positive or even progressive aspects of the Pax Mongolica – but it is also difficult to cast them as good guys, given the destruction they wrought, exceeding even the Second World War relative to world population.

 

RATINGS: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped) (6) Greek-Persian Wars

 

Spartans fighting against Persians at the Battle of Plataea – illustration in Cassell’s Illustrated Universal History 1882 (public domain image)

 

(6) GREEK-PERSIAN WARS (499-449 BC)

 

The classical Persian Wars – when the Greeks fought for their very existence as independent states against the imperial Persian superpower of the Achaemenid Empire, as an uneasy coalition of Greek city states fighting off two Persian invasions of Greece against the odds in the archetypal battles of classical Greek heroism.

That is not to overlook the Macedonian conquest of the Persian Empire featured in another top ten entry, or the longer Roman-Persian wars – through to the twilight of classical history, for nearly seven centuries from 54 BC to 628 AD, when the Romans fought their relentless slogging match against two successive Persian empires, the Parthians and the Sassanids.

Ultimately, however, the Roman-Persian Wars lack the existential significance of the Persian invasions of Greece, both to the classical Greeks and by extension Western civilization itself. It is difficult to imagine the shape of Western civilization, had the Persians succeeded in their invasions of Greece, particularly their second invasion, but it would have been immeasurably different.

Greek victories in the Persian Wars were certainly a defining moment for Athens and its democracy, as well as the Greeks as a whole – “their victory endowed the Greeks with a faith in their destiny that was to endure for three centuries, during which western culture was born”.

The Persian wars were also among the first wars in history to be written as history – by the creators of history as a genre, foremost among them Herodotus, styled as the father of history. They might also be argued to be the origin of Western military strategy and tactics – or at least the feature that was to recur so decisively as part of Western military superiority, the drilled formation, in this case the hoplite phalanx.

They also featured two of the landmark battles of history, won against the odds – Marathon and the naval battle of Salamis – as well as the heroic last stand of Thermopylae, the Spartan Alamo. Of course, as an Athenian loyalist, I’d point out that Marathon and Salamis were Athenian victories, as opposed to all that pro-Spartan agitprop of the 300 film, in which Leonidas breezily dismissed Athens.

Salamis was a particularly impressive Athenian victory, since they won it from exile after evacuating Athens itself, which was captured and razed by the Persians – choosing to carry on fighting from exile rather than submit to the Persians. This feat might be compared to the scenario if France had not surrendered to Germany in 1940, but had fought on with its fleet from north Africa – and won.

In terms of historical narrative, the first Persian invasion from 492 BC to 490 BC, under Darius the Great, was inconclusive with their defeat in the battle of Marathon…for the time being. Darius had to postpone a further invasion of Greece to fight strife within his own empire. When he died, his son and successor Xerxes took the second swing at Greece in earnest in an invasion from 480 to 479 BC, which was ultimately defeated at the battles of Plataea and Mycale.

After that, the Greeks were able to go on the offensive against the Persians in the Persian Empire itself, particularly in its formerly Greek fringes, but the Greek-Persian wars largely fizzled out from there with a return to the pre-war status quo by 449 BC, not unlike the persistent stalemate of the subsequent Roman-Persian Wars, although Greece was freed from the threat of Persian invasion. Of course, a lot of that was undone as the Persian Empire then learned to sit back and exploit the Greek city-states fighting among themselves, most notably in the Peloponnesian Wars.

 

ART OF WAR

 

The Greeks in the Persian Wars were almost exact contemporaries of Sun Tzu on the other side of the world, as the Persian Wars commenced a few years before the traditional date given to Sun Tzu’s death in 496 BC – and I’m inclined to favor the Greeks over Sun Tzu when it came to demonstrated art of war in actual history. Winning without fighting is all very well, but sometimes you have little choice but to fight – and to fight in desperate defence against numerically superior forces.

Hence the genius of Greek strategy, consistently fighting at geographical bottlenecks or chokepoints, including the straits of Salamis. Beyond that, the Greeks won because “they avoided catastrophic defeats, stuck to their alliance, took advantage of Persian mistakes” and possessed tactical superiority with their hoplite forces.

 

WORLD WAR

 

Sadly, I think it would be stretching things too far to call the Greek-Persian Wars a world war, even though the Greeks often styled it as the war of one continent against another or East against West, harking back to the legendary Trojan War as its predecessor – a continental front line that was replayed in the Roman-Persian Wars and beyond, as the Persians were replaced by Arabs and Turks.

 

FOREVER WAR –  STILL FIGHTING THE PERSIAN WARS

 

Well perhaps not in the style of the Greek or Macedonian Persian Wars, but Americans might feel they’ve been replaying the Roman-Persian Wars since 1979…

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

Yet another war where the actual outcome seems the implausible alternate history scenario or just outright miraculous – we all know the god Pan won the Battle of Marathon. Io Pan! Io Pan Pan!

I mean, the world’s largest empire in territorial extent at the time – as well as the largest empire by percentage of world population ever – against the small and fractious Greek city states…?

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS VS BAD GUYS

 

Sorry Persia – I know you’re not the weird mutant army featured in the film 300 and indeed one of the great civilizations of ancient history, but the Greeks will always be the good guys to me

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
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Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Revamped) (7) Punic Wars – Second Punic War

 

Hannibal crossing the Alps into Italy, 1881 or 1884 book engraving used as public domain image Wikipedia “Hannibal’s crossing of the Alps”

 

(7) PUNIC WARS –
SECOND PUNIC WAR (218-201 BC)

 

“Carthago delenda est” – Carthage must be destroyed!

The wars that defined the Roman Republic and its empire.

Also the most famous historical duel between two rival powers, with the stakes of supremacy to the victor and destruction to the vanquished.

Also arguably the most fiercely fought of Rome’s wars – and the closest it came to defeat in its rise to empire under the republic, with one of its worst defeats in battle of Cannae.

Also a nice polar opposite to the Hunnic Wars in my previous entry (even down to the resonance of their names) – with the rising republic of the Punic Wars at one pole and the falling empire of the Hunnic Wars at the other.

As for the Punic Wars defining the Roman republic and its empire, I know the Punic Wars took place well before the formal Roman empire, but they defined the Roman Republic as an imperial power and laid the foundations for the Empire in its most famous duel for Mediterranean supremacy.

As for that duel, such was its historical fame and potency of its imagery that the Punic Wars have continued to provide metaphors for modern history. “The wars lasted for more than a hundred years (264-146) and were analogous in many respects to later great hegemonic rivalries like the Anglo-French rivalry of the 18th Century and the Cold War, filled as it is with military arms-races, proxy-wars, attacks on regional states, at the end of which there was only a unipolar political landscape”.

Or in other words, the Mediterranean wasn’t big enough for the two of them.

Even in its defeat and destruction by Rome, Carthage provided the metaphor of Carthaginian peace – for “any brutal peace treaty demanding total subjugation of the defeated side” or terms that “are overly harsh and designed to accentuate and perpetuate the inferiority of the loser”, even more so for the subsequent legend that Rome salted the earth. Most famously, it was used by John Maynard Keynes for the Treaty of Versailles after the First World War – inaccurately in my view as a Versailles fan, and dangerously so as it undermined enforcement of the treaty. It’s a pity the term didn’t prompt more like one wry response to Keynes’ usage of it – “Funny thing, you don’t hear much from the Carthaginians these days”.

“Carthage must be destroyed” was the famous catchphrase of Roman senator Cato the Elder, who concluded all his speeches with it, whether it was relevant or not. It’s certainly an icebreaker. I’m thinking of throwing it into all my conversations as well, or hijacking other people’s conversations with it.

Of course, by the time Cato was using it, it was really kicking a man when he was down. Rome had soundly defeated Carthage in the Second Punic War, essentially reducing Carthage to a small harmless shadow of its former territory – and a satellite state under the Roman thumb.

But to Cato, grumpy old curmudgeon that he was, the Carthaginians didn’t have the decency to be poor after their defeat, having far too much wealth when he visited it as a member of a senatorial embassy. And eventually he got his way with the Third Punic War (149-146 BC) and Rome crushed Carthage completely.

The Third Punic War was the somewhat anti-climactic conclusion to the trilogy of Punic Wars. The First Punic War (264-241 BC) was obviously not decisive but certainly interesting with the Romans wrestling Sicily from Carthage – as well as their impressive feat of throwing together a navy mostly from scratch, laying the foundations for Roman naval supremacy, even if that was mostly done through the neat trick of using ships as boarding platforms for infantry combat.

The Second Punic War (218-201 BC) was the big one . You know, the one with the elephants – in the famous crossing of the Alps into Italy, although only one elephant survived.

So while the elephants may not have loomed as large as had been hoped, what did loom large was the Carthaginian invasion of Italy , striking fear into the heart of Rome itself, and even more so the legendary Carthaginian general Hannibal, one of the greatest military commanders in history, with his textbook victory against the Romans at Cannae.

Sadly for Carthage, however, Hannibal was one of my top 10 great military leaders who were actually losers, because he didn’t know to go hard or go home – or rather, to go Rome or to go home, instead wasting his dwindling time and army d*cking around Italy, something of a running theme in that top ten.

Of course, it’s a lot more nuanced than that (particularly when it comes to the role of Hannibal’s leadership) but the Roman general Quintus Fabius avoided major battles and chipped away at Hannibal’s forces in Italy through attrition, while Hannibal’s rival and nemesis, Roman general Scipio Africanus, pulled a Hannibal in reverse by attacking the Carthaginians in Spain and Africa itself.

The Second Punic War also features some of the most famous battles in history – Cannae of course, but also the battles of Trebinia and Lake Trasimene for Carthaginian victories, as well as the battles of the Metaurus, Ilipa and Zama for Roman victories.

 

 

 

 

ART OF WAR

 

Obviously the Romans excelled in the art of war in their empire as a whole, perhaps even more so the Byzantines in Sun Tzu’s definition of the art of war as winning without fighting. An empire doesn’t survive a millennium without a few tricks of political diplomacy or playing enemies against each other up its sleeve.

However, facing Hannibal on their home territory in Italy was not their finest demonstration of the art of war. Reading Roman military history often prompts me to see the Romans as the Soviet Union of ancient history – winning through the manpower to replace one lost legion after another – and never more so than in the Second Punic War against Hannibal, which is eerily reminiscent of a Roman parallel for the Soviets in Barbarossa. Just ask Pyrrhus – who gave the world the term Pyrrhic victory because the Romans could just soak up their losses and keep coming.

This is something of a caricature for the Romans as well as the Soviets winning through brute force of manpower – both of which were as capable of finesse in the right circumstances, usually a combination of good leadership combined with well maintained or experienced forces. And the Roman legion was the finest fighting force of its time, with a discipline and tactical superiority that allowed it to outfight opponents that outnumbered it – as in the Battle of Alesia or Battle of Watling Street. Although one of the greatest strengths of the Roman legion was not so much its skill in fighting but in engineering, again as at Alesia.

 

WORLD WAR

 

It’s a bit hard to label the Punic Wars as a world war, even if was fought between two continents and had global consequences in the rise of the Roman Empire. However, as mentioned before, it had parallels to subsequent global hegemonic conflicts between rival powers.

 

FOREVER WAR – STILL FIGHTING THE PUNIC WARS

 

Well if there’s one thing a Carthaginian peace is good for, it’s for not fighting any more Punic Wars.

 

ALTERNATE WAR

 

The Punic Wars seem to offer tantalizing glimpses of an alternate history of Carthaginian victory, mostly from Hannibal’s tactical military genius in the Second Punic War – although perhaps the better Carthaginian prospect of victory was in the First Punic War, had Rome not adapted itself to Carthaginian naval superiority.

Ultimately however, such glimpses are illusory, given Rome’s adaptability and unmatched ability to raise armies, with even Hannibal’s military genius just a flash in the pan. As I said, reading Roman military history often prompts me to see the Romans as the Soviet Union of ancient history – winning through the manpower to replace one legion after another.

 

JUST WAR – GOOD GUYS AND BAD GUYS

 

Who were the good guys? The Romans obviously! Yes, it’s a bit more nuanced than that – with perhaps not too much to distinguish one from the other, and much to admire about Hannibal. But to quote the Youtube channel Pax Romana, child sacrificer says what? There’s a reason that the name for Moloch has passed into English as a pejorative term – and part of that reason is Carthaginian child sacrifice. No more Moloch!

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
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