Theatrical release poster

(17) DRAG ME TO HELL (2009)

Ah, Sam Raimi – it’s good to have you back home in horror, even if it’s just a brief stay.

The moral of the fable – if you’re a bank loans officer, don’t refuse loans to old gypsy women that can sling supernatural curses your way. Okay, technically not refusing a loan but refusing to extend a mortgage.

And in this case, the supernatural curse involves literally cursing you to hell – and not back. Go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200. The film obviously involves the female protagonist Christine’s desperate attempts to shrug off the curse.

It raises the ante on the Occupy movement – not quite by occupying hell but sending the bankers there. I think we can all get on board with cursing banks to hell but come on – shouldn’t the old gypsy woman be aiming a little higher? I mean, she should be doing a Karen and cursing Christine’s boss, who was the real problem here. Or hell – go for the CEO!

RATING: 4 STARS****

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(16) SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006)

“Enough is enough! I’ve had it with these motherfking snakes on this motherfking plane”.

Scriptwriting genius!

An action horror film “that, more than most movies you’ll find, does pretty much exactly what it says on the tin” and “that turned out exactly as ludicrous on the premise and title sound, and it revelled in its so bad it’s goodness”.

What more do you need to know? It’s snakes on a plane!

Oh sure, there’s a convoluted plot to get to the premise of snakes on a plane. Well, not that convoluted in terms of writing – more in the ludicrousness of it as the weapon of choice by an international gangster to assassinate a witness testifying against him. I mean, surely the classic trope of planting a bomb on the plane would have been easier and more effective? Particularly as he had to import all the snakes to put on the plane as it departed Hawaii, one of three islands in the world famously without snakes.

Oh – and that witness? He’d just accidentally blundered on to the scene at just the right time to see the gangster murder a prosecutor. How do we know it was a prosecutor? Because the gangster mocks the man as “Mr Prosecutor” in my favorite line in the movie apart from its most famous line – or indeed in any movie. Again – scriptwriting genius!

Apparently, when the studio wanted to give the film a serious title, Pacific Air Flight 121 – boooring! – and turn it into an action horror film, Samuel L. Jackson “suggested they change it back when the absurd title gained popularity online and became a huge online meme”. And of course so Jackson could say that iconic line as only Jackson could.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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(15) THE DESCENT (2005)

Just when you thought it was safe to go spelunking…

One of the best horror films of the 2000s – honestly I’d consider it for special mention on the skull of women motif art design alone.

“The Descent is a 2005 British horror film written and directed by Neil Marshall, director of Dog Soldiers and Doomsday. The film follows a group of six women who embark on a caving expedition and become trapped underground after a cave-in.”

If that wasn’t recipe enough for claustrophobic horror, add a pinch of injury and a generous serve of Crawlers – “predatory, pale humanoid creatures” that make the Morlocks seems positively refined by comparison. And like nothing better than to chow down on anyone stupid and hapless enough to enter their lair.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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(14) THE ENTITY (1982)

A supernatural horror film which makes what is often subtext in other horror films into its text (or super-text?) – sexual violence against women.

Alternatively, it’s the most infamously hilarious line in comics, from Jim Balent’s Tarot Witch of the Black Rose – “You have to get out of here! Your v*gina is haunted” – but as horror.

To be fair, there was a subliminal horror in that line which is made, ah liminal (or is that superliminal – heh, love using the same joke twice) in The Entity. If you didn’t pick it up, it’s in the first part of that line – “You have to get out of here!”. And go where?

There’s the horror – it’s not like a haunted house she can just leave. That is essentially the horror of the film, where the titular invisible and malevolent poltergeist-like being doesn’t limit itself to being a noisy spirit smashing up things in the house but instead repeatedly assaults a single mother in Los Angeles.

One might think that’s horror enough in real life – indeed in some ways the film works better as a metaphor for that real life horror, particularly when it comes to a complainant having her complaint heard and believed. However, it’s a film that sticks with you, mainly from its shocking subject (which even has a term, at least in its broader meaning, of spectrophilia) and the compelling performance by Barbara Hershey as the entity’s target Carla Moran.

Apparently it was adapted for the screen by Frank De Felitta from his 1978 novel of the same name – and to make it more creepy, based on or inspired by the 1974 case of Dora Blither, who claimed such attacks on herself in real life.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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One of many iconic or memetic scenes – this one particularly so because it was parodied beat for beat by Huey Lewis and Weird Al Yankovic

(13) AMERICAN PSYCHO (2000)

How could we have special mentions for horror films without Patrick Bateman, the titular American Psycho – at least for all the memetic moments?

Well, I suppose you could as it’s arguably not horror, but psychological thriller or even more so black comedy satire. (Or perhaps grim prediction of contemporary American politics, particularly given Bateman’s idol…?)

However, It does feature the titular serial killer (or is he….?), based on the novel by Brett Easton Ellis. The latter is even more intense, with one particularly intense scene featuring a rat that makes Room 101 in 1984 look like a petting zoo and was probably unfilmable as a result.

Christian Bale played Batman Bateman, the personification of American dream and nightmare, in a cult classic of black comedy. Bateman is a wealthy investment banker, obsessed with maintaining appearance and lavish lifestyle – a man so narcissistic and self-obsessed that his idea of conversation is a monologue reviewing his album collection (Phil Collins, Whitney Houston, Huey Lewis & the News – which, in fairness, is enough to drive anyone to murder), boring his guests to death before, you know, goring them to death. Not literally goring them with a horn or tusk, but killing them gorily, such as with an axe – and a raincoat to block the splatter and spray. (“Is that a raincoat?” a bemused guest asks before getting the axe).

Or that he is driven into literally murderous rage upon being out-flaunted by his equally superficial (but slightly less murderous) colleagues and their business cards, all seemingly in the same color and font but described in pretentious terms (“bone”, “eggshell” and “pale nimbus”).

It even inspired a musical version – which sounds awesome

But excuse me – I have to return some videotapes.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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Hellraiser film poster

(12) HELLRAISER (1987)

“We have such sights to show you!”

None of them pleasant, mind you, but they do indeed.

The film – and at least the first sequel – is just so quotable, usually from the Cenobites that are the heart of the horror, or the hell in the film’s title.

“The series has at its heart a puzzle box known as the Lament Configuration, which when properly solved summons the Cenobites, a cadre of sadomasochistic Humanoid Abominations.”

Worst Rubik’s Cube ever.

“The icon and representative of the series is the only recurring Cenobite after the second film, the iconic Pinhead”.

Although I have a soft spot for the Chatterer – the other two are Butterball and the Female Cenobite. It seems the Cenobites used up their imagination on BDSM by the time it came to their names.

Speaking of quotes, my favorite Hellraiser quote is not from the film but about it – by James Rolfe:

“Hellraiser is a movie that’s so f*cked up, you won’t even look at it unless you want to be freaked out of your mind!”

That pretty much sums up the premise of Hellraiser, where the horror is more its disturbing nature than any fear it evokes. It doesn’t so much make your hairs raise as your skin crawl – or “tear your soul apart”.

The first Hellraiser film was the directorial debut by writer (and sick puppy) Cliver Barker, based on his novella The Hellbound Heart.

The Cenobites, particularly Pinhead, have become horror icons. Sadly, Hellraiser hasn’t been parodied as much as it should have been in my opinion, but the standout parody of it was by Rick and Morty.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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The iconic film poster art for the 1982 Poltergeist film

(11) POLTERGEIST (1982)

“They’re here”

The classic haunted house horror film – indeed, I’d argue that it’s never been surpassed or equalled since as haunted house horror film.

Of course, the title helps  – is there a cooler word for ghost than poltergeist? Even its English translation of “noisy spirit” is still cool.

The titular spirit in the film is a lot more than merely noisy, however.

“Poltergeist is a 1982 American supernatural horror film directed by Tobe Hooper and written by Steven Spielberg…The film focuses on a suburban family whose home is invaded by malevolent ghosts that abduct their youngest daughter”.

Interestingly, Spielberg originally conceived Poltergeist as involving aliens rather than ghosts – a horror sequel to Close Encounters of the Third Kind – and you can kind of see that at times even in the finished film.

Fortunately, it was written for ghosts – and became an iconic ghost horror film as a reuslt, so iconic that it has been frequently parodied. It also spawned a franchise, but one that could never equal the first film.

It also has one of my favorite “”oh crap” moments in horror film.

“You son of a b*tch! You moved the cemetery, but you left the bodies, didn’t you? You son of a bitch, you left the bodies and you only moved the headstones! You only moved the headstones! Why? Why?”

RATING: 4 STARS****

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Theatrical release poster – “eight legs, two fangs and an attitude” – for 1990 film Arachnophobia

(10) SPIDER HORROR – ARACHNOPHOBIA

For instant horror, just add spiders!

Like my previous special mention for shark horror, I’m joking and serious. Again, there’s a trope for it in TV Tropes – Spiders Are Scary. To which I’d add two more of their tropes to make spiders even scarier – Giant Spider and Spider Swarm.

Spider horror films are something of a niche but adding a spider, let alone a giant spider or spider swarm, will add an element of horror to films of other genres. Think Shelob in The Lord of the Rings. Or the spider scene with James Bond in Doctor No – or come to think of it, the spider scene (and just a touch of spider swarm) with Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

There’s something even more primal for our fear of spiders than for our fear of sharks, reflected in arachnophobia being up there as one of the phobias with the greatest name recognition – not least to this arachnophobe.

And yes – my use of arachnophobia in the title is a deliberate reference to invoke not only the phobia but the 1990 film of that title, my favorite spider horror film. And let’s be honest, the only spider horror film that pulls off the schlock well with the perfect mix of horror and comedy.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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From the promotional art of the Sadako vs Kayako film – I just wanted the two of them together. No, not like that. Okay – maybe just a little

(8) ASIAN HORROR

Yes, yes – I’m sweeping the entire horror film industries of east and south-east Asia into one stringy-haired ghost girl special mention of The Ring vs The Grudge (but not literally the Ring vs the Grudge in that crossover film between them).

That’s because I only have the most superficial knowledge of Asian horror, almost entirely consisting of those stringy-haired ghost girls (or onryo) of Japanese horror film (or J-horror).

Yes – I’m talking the leading ghost girl duo of Sadako (or Samara in the American version) in The Ring and Kayako in The Grudge.

In fairness, those ghost girls are freaky. What makes them even more freaky is that they don’t exactly target their rage at the people who deserve it. Just anyone unlucky enough to cross their path (or play their tape) – they’re just that p*ssed off with anyone that’s not dead like them. And then they come crawling out of your television, or your own hari, or just goddamn anywhere – usually moving in the most unnatural way or making the most unnerving noises.

Anyway, let’s just say they have piqued my interest in Asian horror, which has dipped ever so slightly into Japanese, Korean, and Thai horror films – from which I hope to accumulate enough for an Asian horror top ten.

RATING: 4 STARS****

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