Monthly Archives: August 2025

Stark Ravings – 8 D&D Schools of Magic for Bling & Booty (8) Transmutation

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King Harold in his classic transformation scene back into a frog in the Shrek 2 film – itself obviously an adaptation of the classic (cursed) fairy tale transmutation of The Frog Prince. Now that I think of it, I never realized how much the plot of both films revolved around transmutation

 

 

(8) TRANSMUTATION

 

Finally, there is transmutation – a ridiculously overpowered school of magic to rival or even exceed conjuration. Instead of conjuring material things or beings (potentially including yourself) through space, time or fantasy planes, this school of magic transforms (or transmogrifies – whoa!) material things or beings (potentially including yourself) into other material things and beings of your choice.

Like conjuration, it is one of the archetypal schools of magic in literature. Zeus showcased it by turning himself into animals to pick up chicks. It totally worked too, although you have to admit it would be pretty impressive if you could pull it off. Zeus’ one night stands read like a menagerie of seduction (as well as the entire genealogy of Greece) – bull, eagle, goat, snake, swan and on one particularly kinky occasion a shower of gold.

Speaking of which, transmutation has had a long-standing reputation in actual human history, as the humanity saw the best minds of many generations destroyed by the madness of alchemy, or trying to transmute lead into gold.

 

Because Leadfinger just doesn't have the same ring

Because Leadfinger just doesn’t have the same ring (iconic scene of Jill Masterson killed by gold paint in the 1964 James Bond film Goldfinger)

 

So transmutation is almost limitlessly powerful and versatile – a supreme transmuter could sit sipping cocktails in Hell, because otherwise he or she will transform all the demons into frogs or little lambs or Playboy bunnies (or himself or herself into the biggest, baddest demon of all). Or just sit around anywhere – turning everyone else into demon cocktail waiters and waitresses.

 

BLING & BOOTY POTENTIAL

 

By now, it should be obvious that transmutation is as much a fantasy jackpot as conjuration – or more so, as it’s without the cosmic borrowing (or loan-sharking). Like King Midas, you can turn whatever you touch (or look at) into gold – or whatever you choose. Or for that matter, it knocks illusion out of the ballpark, because you can change things in reality not just appearance. What more do I need to say? Again, naturally the rules of Dungeons and Dragons try to place limits on their school of transmutation for the sake of the game, but it is magic after all.

As for your own Playboy Mansion, you could literally just transform any slum into your mansion – and anyone or anything into your Playmates. Your Playboy bunnies could have been actual bunnies just a moment ago. Indeed, people would probably line up to pay you for it and you could make your fortune from cosmetic transformation alone…

 

 

 

Stark Ravings – 8 D & D Schools of Magic for Bling & Booty (7) Necromancy

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A lich – arguably the peak of necromancy – as represented in the profile image from the D&D Beyond online resource (fair use)

 

 

(7) NECROMANCY

 

Come to the dark side of the Force or the Slytherin school of magic. Technically, necromancy is divination by talking to the dead or their spirits (hence the name). However, necromancy has accrued wider meanings of dealing with the dead or death – typically animating the dead and creating or controlling undead. Funnily enough, in the game of Dungeons & Dragons, it is generally observed that because of the mechanics of play, clerics or priests make better necromancers than wizards, which would certainly make for far more interesting church services.

Necromancy also tends to involve magic to do with souls or spirits (as in taking or trapping them) and ‘negative’ energy – blight, curse, fear, hex, paralysis, poison and just outright draining life energy like siphoning gas. So it may not be particularly versatile but it does tend to be powerful, and of course, evil – as in EEEVIL (although arguably it could be neutral, like death itself, or even a weird form of good – but where’s the fun in that?). Sauron wasn’t just the Necromancer in The Hobbit for kicks.

A supreme necromancer is a walking ground zero of zombie apocalypse or god of death – and could sit sipping cocktails in hell because the demons think he or she is cool. And old necromancers don’t retire, they become undead themselves – vampires are the popular choice, although the true necromancy geek goes lich.

 

BLING & BOOTY POTENTIAL

 

Let’s face it – if you go with necromancy, you’re looking at a career in fantasy supervillainy or at least doctorate of fantasy evil, and chances are you’re in it for love of evil lulz rather than money. So while there may be other more imaginative ways of making money from necromancy, the most easy or obvious is as the fantasy equivalent of Blofeld in SPECTRE (bonus points if that involves actual spectres), stroking your mummified cat. And again, there may be more subtle nuances of necromantic villainy, you just can’t beat the fantasy classic of threatening to unleash your zombie apocalypse unless the kingdom pays you one million gold pieces – or you know, actually unleashing your zombie apocalypse as you carve out your unholy roaming empire.

Sadly however, necromancy is not the school for building your own Playboy Mansion, with the exception of the s€xier ghosts or vampires – although at least your undead minions will always be, ah, thin?

 

Top Tens – Poetry & Literature: Top 10 Poetry (Special Mention) (9) Algernon Charles Swinburne

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Portrait of Swinburne in watercolor and chalk by Dante Gabriel Rossetti in 1861 (public domain image used as feature image in the Wikipedia article for Swinburne)

 

 

(9) ALGERNON CHARLES SWINBURNE (1837-1909)

 

“What ailed us, O gods, to desert you,

For creeds that refuse and restrain?

Come down and redeem us from virtue,

Our Lady of Pain”

 

A deliciously decadent and pagan poet, as well as one that was distinctly kinky – that Lady of Pain wasn’t just some turn of the phrase but a glimpse into the sadomasochistic dungeon in the basement of his mind.

He was best known for his debut poetry collection Poems and Ballads, which was something of his personal pagan manifesto and featured the poem Dolores that I quoted at the outset.

“The poem demonstrates most of the controversial themes for which Swinburne became notorious. It conflates the cruel yet libidinous pagan goddess figure of Dolores, the Lady of Pain with Mary, Mother of Jesus and associates the poem itself, through its parenthetical titular text (Notre-Dame des Sept Douleurs, i.e., “Our Lady of Seven Sorrows” with the Seven Dolours of the Virgin.”

Camille Paglia observed how much the poem resembles prayer, particularly in rhythm and recurring phrases – presumably amidst sacraments of flagellation and spanking. I’d go to that church!

That pretty much sums up Swinburne. As for which Swinburne poem to select for this entry, there’s so many from which to choose. I’ll go with Dolores – Our Lady of Pain – but it was a close call with the temptation of Faustine, which resembles Dolores in prayer-like quality.

 

“What coiled obscene

Small serpents with soft-stretching throats

Caressed Faustine?”

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Stark Ravings – 8 D&D Schools of Magic for Bling & Booty (6) Illusion

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Fraser spiral illusion (public domain image in Wikipedia article of that name)

 

 

(6) ILLUSION

 

Use your illusion – the school of magic for special effects or fantasy generated imagery. Quite simply, illusion is all about the magical control or manipulation of perception or sensation, so as to hopelessly blur the line between image and reality. And that’s just for starters – with illusion, you can effectively trap your subjects in their own head, like a drug trip or the Matrix or scientists juicing up rats through the pleasure centers of their brains.

In other words, illusion can be virtually as effective for mind control as enchantment, given the fine line between our perceptions or sensations and our emotions, thoughts or memories. You can use it to assume the appearance of a close friend, family member or lover. The supreme illusionist could sit sipping cocktails in Hell, served up by deluded demons thinking they’re serving their infernal master – or just look like they’re doing it.

Sadly, this is why illusion tends to be nerfed like enchantment in fantasy games or stories, although it is somewhat less game or story-breaking and has more potential for plot devices (as well as clichéd it-was-all-a-dream sequences). So once again, there is an abundance of protective abjuration against it (screw you, true seeing!) and anything powerful tends to be immune or resistant to it. And given that illusion is all style over substance, you’re more screwed than the Wizard of Oz if they start looking behind the curtain.

Of course, all magic in our world is ultimately only illusion – sleight of hand or smoke and mirrors. Or if we’re going to get philosophical, all our perception of reality is illusion, as in the Hindu concept of maya. (Sometimes I think my whole life has been an illusion but then I’m pretty sure my life is real because no one would make an illusion this pointless and boring.) On the other hand, the fantasy school of illusion is really just enchantment – or vice versa. Is there any real distinction between controlling perceptions or sensations and controlling emotions or thoughts, given how they each influence the other? For example, is there any real difference between turning invisible by illusion – or enchanting people that they don’t see you?

 

BLING & BOOTY POTENTIAL

 

If illusion is opened up to its full potential or let loose in our world with nothing to resist it, then you could effectively use it to enchant your way to fame and fortune – especially in a world where life is essentially a beauty contest anyway. At very least, you could have a wild ride as a con artist – using ticket stubs or toilet paper as money or winning lottery tickets. Alternatively, you could use your illusion as a solid high-earning fantasy profession or business, particularly if you could mass-produce it – the fantasy equivalent of advertising (“Your ad on every dragon’s ass”), cosmetics and cosmetic surgery, entertainment or anything involving appearance or imagery. Personally, I’d use my illusion for the fantasy equivalent of internet p0rn. (“She was an innocent young paladin, pursuing her quest in the Hot Tub of Doom…”). As for your Playboy Mansion, you are the ultimate photoshopper, so you can give yourself or your housemates any appearance you or they choose…

 

Top Tens – Poetry & Literature: Top 10 Poetry (Special Mention) (8) Walt Whitman

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He even looked like Uncle Sam. Photograph of Walt Whitman by George C. Cox in 1887 in New York – public domain image

 

 

(8) WALT WHITMAN (1819-1892)

 

“I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world”

Who hasn’t wanted to sound a barbaric yawp at one time or another?

Also the poet everyone knows from Dead Poet’s Society, since he wrote the poem being quoted and indeed titled as “O Captain! My Captain!”

By the way, that poem was written for the death of President Lincoln in 1865. It was also not the only Whitman reference in the film or the book on which it was based – both were obviously influenced by Whitman fandom, but then so is much of American poetry and literary culture, which brings me to my next point.

With the possible exception of another special mention, Walt Whitman is the American poet. The Great American Poet as it were, in the same vein as those books touted as the Great American Novel. Although I don’t know why there’s debate on the contenders for the Great American Novel when it’s obviously Catch-22. Search your feelings – you know it to be true.

Yes – I hear your query. Wait a minute Stark After Dark – don’t you rank American poets over than Whitman in your top ten, including e.e. cummings in your top spot? Not to mention William Carlos Williams, Sylvia Plath, and Ishmael Reed in eighth, ninth, and tenth place respectively. For that matter, you can claim T.S. Eliot as American poet, since he was born and raised in the United States, only moving to England at the age of 25 (in 1914). And there’s a few more American poets in special mentions to come.

“Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. (I am large, I contain multitudes”

And yes – while I’m tempted to argue for e.e.cummings as the American poet or the Great American Poet, I have to admit that Whitman is more lyrical, and more fundamentally, embodies the United States in so much of his verse.

What better image of the United States than a nation sounding its barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world?

As per art historian Mary Berenson – “You cannot really understand America without Walt Whitman”.

And Ezra Pound was even more blunt, calling Whitman “America’s poet… He is America.”

As for which Whitman poem to select for this entry, one is spoilt for choice. There’s the collection of poetry for which he is famed – Leaves of Grass. (To quote Homer Simpson when he finds out the grave that he thought was his mother’s was instead that of Walt Whitman – “leaves of grass, my ass!”.

There’s the most famous poem from that collection – Song of Myself, from which both that barbaric yawp and containing multitudes quotes come from – and so many others, including of course O Captain My Captain. However, I have to go with When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloom’d, another elegy written for the death of Lincoln.

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Stark Ravings – 8 D & D Schools of Magic for Bling & Booty (5) Evocation

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One of the most famous D & D gaming memes and the motto of the evocation school – Glasstaff I Cast Fireball D & D sticker promotional profile image for sale on Amazon

 

 

(5) EVOCATION

 

And so we come to the Michael Bay school of magic – all explosive action, but lacking in depth or versatility. Evocation is the conjuration of energy – fireballs, lightning bolts, cold blasts and various other manifestations of energy or force – so something like the misnamed enchanter Tim firing off random blasts from his staff in Monty Python’s Holy Grail.

While it would be tempting in a fantasy world of hostile monsters and magic to be able to blast fireballs from your fingertips like six-shooters, evocation is actually one of the weaker schools of magic and the first one to skip in the game of Dungeons and Dragons. Even at its full strength, it obviously lacks versatility for anything else that doesn’t involve blasting or blowing things up (although in fairness that would seem to solve most plot problems in The Lord of the Rings) – and in the game of Dungeons and Dragons, it’s severely nerfed by all types of magic resistance so that your hardcore spells fizzle into a tickle or at most a moderate spanking. In theory, however, a supreme evoker should be a walking weapon of mass destruction and could sit sipping cocktails in Hell served up by spell-shocked demons after nuking or freezing it.

Of course, evocation is just the poor man’s conjuration anyway – it’s just conjuration of energy, people! Ignoring that matter is energy (E = mc2? I conjure thee from the elemental plane of uranium…), is there any real distinction between evoking fire for example and conjuring lava or molten metal or plasma or hellfire or elemental fire or so on from the myriad planes of fantasy? The only real distinction is that the game of Dungeons and Dragons split off the conjuration of energy as evocation so that the school of conjuration didn’t become even more ridiculously overpowered…

 

BLING & BOOTY POTENTIAL

 

Like abjuration (and unlike conjuration, divination or enchantment), you can’t simply evoke money and are sadly reduced to working with your magic, which kind of defeats the point of magic as wishful thinking or getting something from nothing. Fortunately, again like abjuration, evocation is the solid high-earning fantasy professional option, like the fantasy equivalent of engineers. Although that may be because I only have the vaguest idea of what engineers actually do…

 

Um, they do science to stuff? Public domain engineering logo

 

Actually, evokers are even better placed than abjurers to strike it rich as the entrepreneurs of energy in the fantasy world, particularly if they can replicate their magic in mass produced devices or items – it would be evokers who kick-start the fantasy equivalent of the Industrial Revolution, like magitek or dungeon punk. You know, like mass producing rings of power in The Lord of the Rings (“Precious?! Get over it, Gollum – they’re $39.99 a set at the Shire 7-11…”), instead of the elves hoarding all the magic.

 

One ring to rule the mall!

One ring to rule the mall! (image of the One Ring in The Lord of the Rings)

 

Don’t get me started on the elves – they showed Sauron how to make the ring in the first place, then spend their time prancing about in forests or p!ssing off ‘west’ leaving men to clean up the mess. “I have no faith in men.” Shut up, Elrond – who’s manning your frontline for you, you smug elven pr!ck?.  But I digress.

As for booty, you will just have to rely on your skyrockets in flight for your afternoon delights…

 

 

 

Stark Ravings – 8 D & D Schools of Magic for Bling & Booty (4) Enchantment

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Preview images of two of the hypnotizers on the Hypnotizer app by SergioGF sold on Amazon – and fortuitously depicting two frequent images for hypnotism in popular culture (with the one on the left particularly being used for hypnotic or hypnotized eyes)

 

 

 

(4) ENCHANTMENT

 

There’s no nice way of saying this – enchantment is the school of magic for mindscrewing. It ranges from more benign charms for friendship or infatuation, through various forms of mind control or domination, to metaphorically riding your subjects like rodeo bulls or attaching the fuzzy dice of their testicles (or ovaries) to the rear view mirror of your mind…

 

 

Like so – in this photograph of fuzzy dice doing just that in a 1958 Ambassador photographed by CZmarlin – Wikipedia “Fuzzy Dice” under licence https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/deed.en

 

If your school of enchantment extends to memory, then you can up the ante from brainwashing to complete mindwiping, as you replace the previous inconvenient persona or psyche of your subject wholesale with one entirely of your own choosing – family, friend or lover who’ll do anything for you. In theory, this makes enchantment potentially the most powerful school of magic of all, as you could tell the very gods they should let you run the show.  A supreme enchanter could sit sipping cocktails in Hell served up by all the brainwashed demons.

In practice, apart from all the protective abjurations against it (screw you, mind blank!), there is the narrative need for enchantment to be severely nerfed for the sake of game or story, otherwise you’d simply mindscrew your way from one end of fantasy to the other or pilot your dragon like a drone through any dungeon. So this tends to be one of the weaker schools of magic you can skip in Dungeons and Dragons or any other fantasy, because anything powerful enough to be game or story breaking is immune or resistant to it. Otherwise, Gandalf would have just told Sauron to go jump like Gollum.

In a sense, the only real ‘magic’ is enchantment, as humanity finds a bewildering number of ways to enchant itself through religion, politics, money, fame, celebrity, love, sex…just take any cult.

 

BLING & BOOTY POTENTIAL

 

Obviously, if enchantment is opened up to its full potential in fantasy – or let loose in our world with no resistance against it – then this would be the ultimate jackpot. Even if others conjured more money and divined more profit or power, you’d simply enchant them into giving it to you – just like you’d simply enchant Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and Elon Musk into doing the same in this world. H. L. Mencken quipped that no one went broke or lost an election by underestimating the taste or intelligence of the average person – with enchantment, you’d just go that step further of making their taste and intelligence for them.

As for your own Playboy Mansion, you could let your enchanted fame and fortune work their own powers of enchantment, as indeed they did to fill the actual Playboy Mansion. With enchantment, however, you don’t have to wait. You could equally be able to just enchant it full of the subjects of your choice. Of course, while you’re doing all this, you may want to enchant away your own conscience as you enchant away other people’s minds.