Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome: Crisis of the Third Century
As I said, I’m ranking all the Roman emperors (until 476 AD) – and between my Top 10 Best Roman Emperors and twenty special mentions, I’ve ranked the thirty emperors I consider as ‘good’ emperors, right up to the dividing line between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ emperors or what I’ve dubbed my Pertinax-Thrax line.
However, the good emperors don’t quite end there – it’s time to take pause and squeeze out a few honorable mentions for imperial claimants that don’t quite have the same authenticity or legitimacy as the emperors in my top ten or special mentions, but which I would still rank as ‘good’ (albeit in my x-tier or ‘wild’ tier).
Yes – we’re talking usurpers or at least those imperial claimants generally labelled as usurpers with the notable exception of my first honorable mention. Not surprisingly, I have generally ranked usurpers dishonorable mention as ‘bad’ emperors – usurpers by definition tend to be ‘bad’ – but there were literally a couple of ‘good’ usurpers I have ranked as honorable mention. Yes – that’s a spoiler that I was only able to squeeze out three honorable mentions (my first honorable mention and two usurpers).
The term usurper itself is to some extent a question of degree in the Roman Empire, with the primary distinction being between successful usurpers and unsuccessful usurpers – the former upholding their claim as emperor, and the latter, well, not doing so, usually also ending with their defeat and death.
“A large number of emperors commonly considered as legitimate began their rule as usurpers, revolting against the previous legitimate emperor”.
Indeed, usurpation and civil war tended to be the order of the day for the Roman empire. While the imperial government itself was rarely called into question, “individual emperors often faced unending challenges in the form of usurpation and perpetual civil wars”.
“From the rise of Augustus, the first Roman emperor, in 27 BC to the sack of Rome in AD 455, there were over a hundred usurpations or attempted usurpations (an average of one usurpation or attempt about every four years). From the murder of Commodus in 192 until the fifth century, there was scarcely a single decade without succession conflicts and civil war”.
As I said at the outset of ranking all the emperors, there is the issue of whom I rank as emperors – even with my ground rule of only ranking the emperors of the ‘classical empire’ prior to 476 AD – given the list of claimants to that title. As historian Adrian Goldsworthy points out, that’s a list which is likely never to be complete or exhaustive, given the paucity of the contemporary historical record and that we are still finding ‘imperial’ coins minted in the name of new or unknown claimants.
So I’ve gone by Wikipedia’s list of Roman emperors, but I reserved the right to consider the entries noted to be of more dubious legitimacy as honorable or dishonorable mentions – hence these honorable mentions that, with the exception of my first honorable mention in a special category of its own, are for those entries in the Wikipedia list which are noted as being of “ambiguous legitimacy” or “varying ascribed status”.
Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome: Diocletian’s Tetrarchy
(1) ULPIA SEVERINA –
FIRST AND LAST EMPRESS OF THE CLASSICAL ROMAN EMPIRE
(275 AD: 5-11 WEEKS – 6 MONTHS?)
Ulpia Severina – Lady Restorer of the World, first and last empress of the classical Roman Empire.
Or probably not according to the consensus of historiography, since her ‘reign’ as widow of Aurelian really boils down to a few coins minted in her name.
As such, she is my one honorable mention that does not appear in the Wikipedia list of Roman emperors at all, so obviously she’s not an usurper either. Well, at least not in the literal sense, but perhaps in the historiographical sense that some historians have metaphorically usurped her claim to the throne for her.
However, I prefer the romantic speculation of her as first and last empress of the Roman Empire – similar to my romantic fondness for the legend of Pope Joan, or for Joshua Norton as self-proclaimed First and Last Emperor of the United States (and Protector of Mexico).
After all, the eastern Roman empire has its reigning empresses, even if only a few of them. The eastern Roman empire also had a number of powerful women running things behind the throne, or beside it as imperial consorts, as did the classical Roman empire, although for some reason they seem to loom larger in the history of the eastern Roman empire – looking at you, Theodora. So why not one reigning empress in the classical empire?
Also, if anyone deserves that title, it’s Ulpia Severina as the wife of Aurelian – and widow after his assassination. Little is known about her – including when she was born, when she married Aurelian or when she was proclaimed as augusta (although the last may well have coincided with his triumphs celebrating his defeat and reclamation of the Palmyrene and Gallic Empires). The surviving literary sources do not discuss her at all, except for allusions to Aurelian’s wife in the Historia Augusta.
The only reliable evidence to her at all is a “scant number of inscriptions and coins”, confirming that she was indeed Aurelian’s wife and held the title of Augusta – and it’s from some unusual examples of those coins, minted in her name in 275 AD, that gives rise to speculation that she reigned in her own name as widow of Aurelian in the brief interregnum period between his assassination and the proclamation of Tacitus as his successor (originally thought to have been anywhere up to six months but now thought to be somewhere between five to eleven weeks).
DID DOVAHHATTY DO RIGHT?
If indeed she did reign in her own name, then in the eloquent words of Dovahhatty, she did “absolutely f*ck all, refusing to take advantage of her husband’s death and just printing coins for fun while waiting for a successor to be chosen” – coin mints go “brrr!” as Dovahhatty captioned her in the style of the meme.
And she did it awesomely – don’t you diss my empress, Dovahhatty! She also had a daughter with Aurelian, whose name is not known to recorded history – and both of them disappear from the historical record after the accession of Tacitus.
As for her depiction, Dovahatty did that right in the style of the ideal girlfriend or ideal GF meme – with a Sol Invictus mask to match that of her husband.
RATING: 3 STARS***
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Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XVII: Imperial Wrath
(2) VETRANIO –
THE GOOD USURPER (CONSTANTINIAN DYNASTY – WESTERN EMPIRE)
(350: 9 MONTHS 24 DAYS)
Almost all usurpers in the Roman empire were by definition ‘bad’. Well, the unsuccessful usurpers that is, not the ones who successfully upheld their claim and became or were regarded as legitimate emperors throughout the empire accordingly. To adapt Clint Eastwood’s line in Hang ‘Em High, when you usurp an emperor, you better look at usurping him right.
Or at least learn to read the room – which is what got Vetranio his ranking as ‘good’, a ranking I award to only two usurpers. It also got him a happy ending – rare among usurpers or indeed in the later empire in general.
It helps that, like my other good usurper, he did not kill the emperor he was usurping – or indeed did not usurp an emperor but rather another usurper.
In part I attribute that to his origin in the province of Moesia and position as governor of Illyria at the time he was an usurper – both part of that bedrock of the so-called Illyrian emperors who saved the empire and mostly ruled it for a few centuries.
That might be a romantic notion on my part based on my fondness for those emperors – but what isn’t a romantic notion is that he didn’t really push his imperial claim to any great extent. Rather, the sources present him as a counter-usurper against another usurper, Magnentius, who had killed and usurped Constans as western emperor, and was facing off against Constans’ brother Constantius in the eastern empire.
Or in modern parlance, usurping to troll Magnentius – and more importantly, an imperial c*ck-blocker if you will, stopping Magnentius from sticking it any further eastwards into Illyria.
He was asked to do so by Constantina, the sister of Constans – usually inferred to be on the basis of protecting herself and her family from her brother’s fate, but also speculated to involve political ambitions of her own.
Mind you, Vetranio fluctuated as usurper, at one point genuinely seeming to ally with Magnentius against Constantius, presumably for them to be co-emperors of the western empire.
However, when Vetranio met with Constantius and Constantius successfully appealed to have the Illyrian troops acclaim him as sole emperor by way of a stirring speech, “Vetranio threw himself on the ground and begged Constantius’ clemency”.
And in that rare happy ending, “the emperor gently raised the aged general by the hand, honoring him with the name of father, and gave him instant pardon” – with Vetranio then living peacefully in happy retirement.
I agree with the assessment of Spectrum – “You know, this guy knew his place. The only reason he made himself emperor was to stop another usurper at the request of the imperial family, and then, when time came for him to relinquish his power, he did. He didn’t give in to powerlust. I can respect that.”
DID DOVAHHATTY DO RIGHT?
A rare exception to the usual depictions of Romans as chads, virgins or wojaks, Dovahhatty instead portrays Vetranio as the Spurdo meme (originating from a Finnish cartoon character) – and as that equally rare beast, the good usurper bowing to Constantius II.
RATING: 3 STARS***
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Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XIX: The Fall of Rome
(3) JOANNES –
THE OTHER GOOD USURPER (THEODOSIAN DYNASTY: WESTERN EMPIRE)
(423-425 AD: 1 YEAR 6 MONTHS)
That’s right – I’m going there. I’m ranking Joannes as a good usurper, the only other good usurper in the classical empire apart from Vetranio.
Of course, it helps that the emperor he was usurping was none other than Valentinian III (and the Theodosian dynasty in general), one of the worst emperors (and the worst dynasty). Indeed, although I ranked him as fifth worst emperor, I’m open to arguments for him as the worst.
So Joannes would have been better than Valentinian III. Hell, Caligula’s horse would have been better than Valentinian III. It’s not a stretch to think that almost anyone else instead of Valentinian III would not only have been a better emperor, but meant that the western empire lasted longer.
And it’s not a stretch to think that Joannes would have been a decent emperor in his own right. At very least, one anticipates that he would have been better for Aetius (and hence the empire), reciprocating the loyalty that he was able to command from Aetius rather than assassinating Aetius as Valentinian did (after Aetius had saved the empire from Attila the Hun).
“The events of Joanne’s reign are as shadowy as its origins” due to our surviving historical records but his claim as western emperor occurred after that happy event for the western empire, the death of Honorius, when the eastern emperor Theodosius II did not immediately announce a successor.
Although it wasn’t so much his claim as such – in that brief bright shining light of opportunity, the patrician Castinus elevated him, a senior civil servant, as emperor. And at least according to the historian Procopius, it was a good choice, praising him as “both gentle and well-endowed with sagacity and thoroughly capable of valorous deeds.”
He was pretty decent, just not lucky. And unlike other usurpers – and like the other good usurper in my rankings – he didn’t kill the emperor he was usurping – who was in any event 5 years of age and in Constantinople at the time.
But of course the Theodosian dynasty wasn’t done screwing things up for the empire, no matter which half of the empire it did that from – instead of coming to an agreement with Joannes, Theodosius II proclaimed Valentinian III as caesar, “undoubtedly influenced by Valentinian’s mother Galla Placidia”.
And of course you know that meant war – civil war, between the eastern empire seeking to enthrone Valentinian as western emperor and the western empire under Joannes seeking to retain his throne – at the worst possible time when both empires needed everything they had against the barbarians at or inside their gates.
Theodosius II was not the only one screwing over the western empire to dethrone Joannes. The weaselly Bonifacius had previously screwed over the western empire’s campaigns against German barbarians in Spain because of his bitter rivalry with Castinus who led those campaigns, so no prizes for guessing what his attitude was towards Joannes, the emperor that Castinus had elevated to the throne.
Unfortunately, after screwing over the western empire in Spain, Bonifacius had somehow managed to fail upwards and acquire command of north Africa “in dubious circumstances” to screw the empire over from there, cutting off the grain shipments to Rome upon which the western empire depended.
Don’t worry – Bonifacius would continue screwing over the western empire after this as well, effectively with his renegade private empire in Africa, in the three man contest with Aetius and Felix that essentially characterized the western empire under Valentinian III. He ultimately lost north Africa to the Vandals (with some sources reporting that he had invited them there) and died from a wound in battle against Aetius in Italy. Good riddance too late.
And Joannes just seemed to have a string of bad luck – with an uprising or uprisings in Gaul, as well as an expedition to Africa, no doubt prompted by and to retaliate against Bonifacius, the outcome of which is not recorded but was presumably unsuccessful.
Joannes had been proclaimed emperor in Rome but moved his base of operations to Ravenna in a ballsy move, “knowing full well that the Eastern Empire would strike from that direction”. However, he did have an ace in the hole which he now played – sending Aetius on a mission to seek military help from the Huns, with whom Aetius had lived as a hostage earlier and had good relations. Ironically, Aetius mostly relied on the Huns as allies, before having to save the western empire from them.
In the meantime, the eastern empire sent its forces westwards, by land and sea, ultimately capturing Ravenna – the sources vary whether they did so outright or whether one of their captured leaders managed to convince the garrison of Ravenna to betray the city. Joannes was captured and killed.
Frankly, Theodosius II and the empire would have been better served by coming to an agreement with Joannes rather than enthroning Valentinian III. I mean, it’s like the meme – Theodosius II was mostly useless and basically slept through everything else falling apart in the western empire – but this is when he wakes up and does something?
“Three days after Joannes’ death, Aetius returned at the head of a substantial Hunnic army”. Three days! Still, Aetius was able to put the Hunnic army to good use spooking Galla Placidia, now in Italy with her useless son in train and as his regent, to make Aetius magister militum or military commander of the western empire.
As it was, even with all the odds stacked against him – the forces of the eastern empire and Bonifacius’ rogue state of north Africa cutting off Rome’s grain – Joannes did remarkably well. As historian Adrian Goldsworthy stated, “it took a hard-fought campaign by strong elements of the East Roman army and navy, in addition to a fair dose of betrayal,” to defeat Joannes.
DID DOVAHHATTY DO RIGHT?
Yeah – Joannes was something of the quintessential wojak. I just love the startled look on his face when being proclaimed emperor in my feature image (with Honorius’ body having been dragged outside the palace for dramatic effect as backdrop).
RATING: 3 STARS***
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