Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best Roman Emperors (Special Mention) (2) Tiberius

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome X: The Mad Emperors

 

(2) TIBERIUS –
JULIO-CLAUDIAN DYNASTY
(14 – 37 AD: 22 YEARS 5 MONTHS 17 DAYS)

Like Claudius, you could arguably swap Tiberius into the top ten, albeit probably with more protest than for Claudius as some people – including contemporary Roman historians – seem to rank Tiberius among the worst. Even the Senate denied him the posthumous divine honors it gave Augustus and Claudius.

Those people are wrong. Indeed, it was a close call for me whom I ranked higher out of Claudius and Tiberius. As we’ve seen, ultimately I ranked Claudius higher, primarily because he inherited the empire from its worst emperor rather than its best – and because he was thrust into the position by the Praetorian Guard without any choice or preparation on his part.

Not that Tiberius was any happier to be emperor, although at least he had been nominated as heir in advance. “At the age of 55. Tiberius seems to have taken on the responsibilities of head of state with great reluctance…He came to be remembered as a dark, reclusive and sombre ruler who never really wanted to be emperor; Pliny the Elder called him ‘the gloomiest of men'”.

The problem for Tiberius is that he was overshadowed by Augustus as his predecessor, even in his own eyes. Perhaps foremost for his contemporaries was his absence of conquests as emperor, accustomed as they were to measuring an emperor by this criterion.

In my eyes, the prudence of Tiberius was exactly what the doctor ordered to consolidate the empire of Augustus – effectively Tiberius was the Hadrian to Augustus’ Trajan, but without withdrawing from any territory.

“Rather than embark on costly campaigns of conquest, he chose to strengthen the existing empire by building additional bases, using diplomacy as well as military threats, and generally refraining from getting drawn into petty squabbles between competing frontier tyrants. The result was a stronger, more consolidated empire, ensuring the imperial institutions introduced by his adoptive father would remain for centuries to come”.

This also overlooks that Tiberius had proved himself under Augustus as “one of the most successful Roman generals: his conquests of Pannonia, Dalmatia, Raetia, and (temporarily) parts of Germania laid the foundations for the empire’s northern frontier”.

It also overlooks an even better part of his prudence, though not unrelated to his prudence with respect to avoiding costly military campaigns – his financial prudence, rare among Roman emperors, such that he left the imperial treasury in huge surplus. Even Suetonius begrudged him that. While Suetonius notes that his successor and worst emperor Caligula squandered this, one wonders if the empire would have survived Caligula’s financial depredations otherwise – or whether the empire would have weathered its crisis of the first century, also known as the Year of the Four Emperors, quite so well but for the part Tiberius played in the empire’s military and financial consolidation.

Of course, it wasn’t just Augustus who overshadowed Tiberius, but Tiberius himself – particularly the latter part of his reign, after he retreated into isolation in Capri from 26 AD and his reign descended into despotism and depravity, albeit both overstated by Roman historians. The former accompanied the rise and fall of his Praetorian prefect Sejanus who effectively ruled Rome in his absence, while the latter was attributed to him in Capri by Suetonius. Let’s just say the less said about his little fishes the better – personally, I think it was just tabloid gossip made up or passed on by Suetonius. He’d probably be in a shoo-in for top ten if he’d died about halfway through his reign.

And like Claudius, when it came to a successor, he chose…poorly.

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)
EMPIRE BASER

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best Roman Emperors (Special Mention) (1) Claudius

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome X: The Mad Emperors

 

(1) CLAUDIUS –

JULIO-CLAUDIAN DYNASTY

(41-54 AD: 13 YEARS 8 MONTHS 19 DAYS)

 

“Such was life for Uncle Claudius”

Yes – it’s the first of six special mentions where you could arguably swap them into the top ten best emperors without too much protest.

It was a close call between Claudius and the other good imperial candidate from the Julio-Claudian dynasty who is my next special mention entry. Claudius just won out for a few reasons, but primarily because he inherited the empire from the worst emperor as opposed to the best. And I use inherited very loosely, as he was not a formal heir but was thrust into his position as emperor by the Praetorian Guard after they had assassinated his predecessor, Caligula – the tradition is that one of the Guard found him hiding behind a curtain and declared him emperor.

Also, Claudius was put upon throughout his life – hence Dovahhatty’s catchphrase for him “such was life for Uncle Claudius”, originating from his physical infirmities he had since youth, including a limp and stammer, although he claimed to have exaggerated them to survive the reign of Caligula.

And a lot of people have a soft spot for him from his sympathetic portrayal in Robert Graves’ I, Claudius and its BBC TV adaptation.

Anyway, he was thrown headfirst into the position of emperor without any choice or background for it on his part and he did a pretty damn good job of it, essentially emulating Augustus and pulling it off to a substantial degree.

He was an able and efficient administrator, above all restoring the empire’s finances after their ruination by the excesses of Caligula’s reign – while also being an ambitious builder of projects and public works across the empire and in its capital.

He also expanded the empire in its first (and most enduring) major expansion since Augustus – annexing or completing the annexation of Thrace (so that the empire finally encircled the Mediterranean completely), Noricum, Lycia, Judaea and Mauretania – but is best known for the conquest of Britain during his reign, although Rome might have been better off without that province in the long run.

His biggest drawback was his choice of successor as Nero, albeit secured largely through his wife (and Nero’s mother) Agrippina’s manipulation of him – including, as it was widely believed by contemporaries, murdering him by poison.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

EMPIRE BASER

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best Roman Emperors (Special Mention)

 

 

That’s right – I’m ranking all the Roman emperors (until 476 AD). By definition, my top ten best Roman emperors only ranked those ten, but I rank the balance of Roman emperors in these special mentions. My usual rule is twenty special mentions for a top ten – here I have twenty special mentions for the ‘good’ emperors and twenty for the ‘bad’.

To my surprise, I was able to make out twenty special mentions for the ‘good’ emperors with some more arguable entries, taking me up to those emperors right on my dividing line between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ emperors.

Surprise that is, because there were notoriously more bad than good emperors, although the bad emperors tended to reign for shorter periods so it more than evens up by length of reign (otherwise one might think the empire would have collapsed sooner).

I think one can usually list about twenty ‘good’ emperors without too much contest or controversy – so a top ten and ten special mentions – but will start to peter out or at least get a little heated after that. However, I stand by my twenty special mentions, including the two emperors right on my dividing line between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ emperors, which would give Rome thirty ‘good’ emperors all up (including my Top 10 Roman Emperors).

Or perhaps thirty-two if you extend my dividing line to the two emperors right on the threshold of being ‘good’ emperors in my special mentions for ‘bad’ emperors. Spoiler – they’re the founders of the two worst Roman imperial dynasties before 476 AD.

Friday Night Funk: Fatboy Slim (Norman Cook) – Rockafeller Skank (1998)

 

MUSIC (MOJO & FUNK): TOP 10

 

(4) FUNK: FATBOY SLIM (NORMAN COOK) –
ROCKAFELLER SKANK (1998)
B-Side: Weapon of Choice (2001)

Right about now – the funk soul brother! Check it out now – the funk soul brother!

And we’re in the electronic dance funk end of the funk scale, so don’t look for lyrical depth – or any lyrics beyond the above.

A prolific producer or mixer of dance music, Norman Cook has an appealing array of musical funk sub-genres attributed to him by Wikipedia – electronica, acid house, trip hop, nu-funk and the nomenclature with which I identify him, big beat.

Of course, not many people identify him as Norman Cook – he is best known by the moniker he adopted in 1996, Fatboy Slim, and under which he released the album which represented perhaps the height of his acclaim, You’ve Come a Long Way Baby. And that album featured this entry, Rockafeller Skank.

I am also partial to the following Fatboy Slim album Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars, particularly my B-side selection Weapon of Choice and its video, because who doesn’t love Christopher Walken dancing?

And as for the rest of my Top 10 Fatboy Slim songs (including his previous incarnation as Pizzaman):
(3) Happiness (Pizzamania 1995)
(4) Sex on the Streets (Pizzamania 1995)
(5) Going Out of My Head (1997)
(6) Right Here Right Now (You’ve Come a Long Way Baby 1999)
(7) Praise You (You’ve Come a Long Way Baby 1999)
( 8 ) Sunset / Bird of Prey (Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars 2000) – I mean, come on, it samples Jim Morrison!
(9) Don’t Let the Man Get You Down (2005)
(10) That Old Pair of Jeans (2006)

RATING: 4 STARS****
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (1) Worst: Caligula

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome X: The Mad Emperors

 

(1) WORST: CALIGULA –

JULIO-CLAUDIAN DYNASTY

(37-41 AD: 3 YEARS 10 MONTHS 6 DAYS)

 

“Would that the Roman people had but one neck”

Ah – Caligula, dreaming of choking out all Rome, the archetype of legendary cruelty and depravity as well as that of the capricious and insane tyrant, so much so that there is a trope of the Caligula named for him (and we all know the type, depressingly frequent in history and culture).

Cue the gag for Caligula learning his capriciousness from Tiberius in Capri.

As I said for Nero, what can I say? You can’t argue with the Gospel of Suetonius, or the Revelations of Bob Guccione in his 1979 Caligula film. Or with the Gospel of Robert Graves which follows Suetonius, or the Revelations of Judge Dredd with Caligula as its Chief Judge Cal in The Day the Law Died.

Also, as I said for Nero, while there may be some issues with the accuracy of sources, particularly the more lurid details recorded by Suetonius, there’s just too much insane smoke for there to have not been an insane fire.

Speaking of Suetonius, if you only read one chapter from Suetonius’ The Twelve Caesars (and it is available free online), then that should be his chapter on Caligula. It’s a hoot! Although I say that from the safe distance of two millennia as well as from Rome itself, because I wouldn’t put it past his ghost or ghoul to get me.

Caligula of course wasn’t his name, but his nickname – uncannily similar to Caracalla subsequently, for an item of clothing worn by each while cosplaying as a soldier, although in Caligula’s case it was his mother cosplaying him as a child in army camps and for his boots rather than a cloak. That’s right – his nickname translates as “Little Boots” or “Bootsy”, which is adorable until he grows up to become emperor.

And you don’t want to make Caligula emperor – you wouldn’t like him when he’s emperor.

Although the sources suggest that people initially did like him as emperor, because among other things, he seems to have ruled well for the first six months until falling sick – “upon recovering, Caligula had permanently lost his hair and apparently his mind”. Or as he perceived it, he had become a divine being. And who’s to say? I can well imagine that’s exactly how a divine being might act when trapped in a mortal form – particularly the divine beings from classical mythology, as it’s how they act a lot of the time. After all, only a god could be that crazy and get away with it.

Anyway, all this sadly suggests that he might have been decent but for sickness making him insane. Or not, I have my doubts – and I note the Gospel of Robert Graves, a.k.a I, Claudius, has him as somewhat psychopathic from the outset.

It’s all there in the sources, particularly Suetonius, which “focus upon his cruelty, sadism, extravagance, and sexual perversion” – “committing incest with his sisters, sending his army against the sea after declaring war on the ocean god Neptune and having them stab the waves and collect shells as booty, marrying a woman who was 9 months pregnant so he wouldn’t have to wait for an heir (whether or not it was his is unclear), using a tax hike upon the birth of his daughter to provide gold for him to roll around in, and wanting to make his favorite horse a consul”.

Also arbitrarily confiscating property in increasingly outrageous for his own spending, punishing citizens for being handsome or having more hair than him, and opening up his palace as a brothel. Actually, I’m with him on that last one.

Indeed, Caligula was so over the top insane that it sometimes seems to be parody or epic trolling – Caligula would rock it on Twitter X.

I can’t resist quoting The Caligula trope on TV Tropes, given how well it encapsulates, well, THE Caligula:

“The Caligula will be wildly irrational, violently moody, extremely debauched, will never tolerate being told anything they don’t want to hear, and are probably afflicted with a god complex. In short, they will be a Psychopathic Manchild with the power of life or death over everyone whom they can reach. They may be a sexual deviant, or they might take pleasure in the pain and suffering they cause. They may indulge in renaming cities or even the entire country after themself or throwing out increasingly ridiculous decrees with brutal punishments in store for anyone who breaks them. Whatever form the madness takes, one thing is certain: to do anything the Caligula finds displeasing is to inevitably be dragged off to a grisly death or worse. Of course, any number of things might trigger their rage, and they might even decide on a whim to punish those who have not done anything at all”.

 

RATING: 1 STAR*

F-TIER (WORST-TIER)

EMPIRE DEBAUCHER

 

MAXIMUS:

Well unless you count Neptune. Caligula should have had a triumph with all the shells

DAMNED:

No formal damnatio memoriae but history has damned him

SPECTRUM RANKING COMPARISON:

Spectrum ranks him as the second worst emperor (prior to 395), with Elagabalus as the worst (as a combination of the worst traits of Caligula and Nero)

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (1) Best: Augustus

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome IX: Augustus

 

(1) BEST: AUGUSTUS

JULIO-CLAUDIAN DYNASTY

(27 BC – 14 AD: 40 YEARS 7 MONTHS 3 DAYS)

 

THE Roman emperor – the first and best emperor, the definitive and archetypal emperor.

The most august emperor. Dare I say it, the most Augustus of emperors, or rather, Augustus of Augustuses, since all emperors were titled Augustus for his title (not to mention the eighth month of the year) or Caesar for his adoptive family name.

Augustus is commonly nominated as the best or top emperor and I’m not about to dissent from that. It’s a common nomination for a reason. The Roman Senate themselves routinely invoked him as the first of their two benchmarks or gold standards when inaugurating new emperors. I’ve already referred to the second part of this invocation in reference to Trajan, but of course the full phrase also invoked Augustus – felicior Augusto, melior Traiano, may you be “luckier than Augustus and better than Trajan”. Luckier or more fortunate that is, with the connotation of divine fortune that favored Augustus. And since the Senate deified Augustus, consistent with the imperial cult he cultivated (heh), he made his own divine fortune.

Caesar Augustus – born Gaius Octavius and also known as Octavian – instituted the Roman Empire itself, characterized by the imperial peace, the Pax Romana or Pax Augusta. The grandnephew of Julius Caesar and named in Caesar’s will as his adopted son and heir, he inherited Caesar’s name, estate, and the loyalty of Caesar’s legions.

He formed the Second Triumvirate with Mark Antony and some other guy no one remembers (Lepidus) to defeat the assassins of Caesar. The Triumvirate effectively divided the Republic between them as a duumvirate of Octavian and Antony, with the former in control of its western provinces and the latter its eastern provinces. Octavian then famously fought and defeated Antony in the latter’s alliance (and romance) with Cleopatra, taking Egypt from de facto Roman client state to province.

With Octavian as sole ruler of the Republic, he adopted the title by which he has thereafter been known (and used to honour his imperial successors) – Augustus. And also Princeps or First Citizen (Princeps Civitas), which has come to denominate the Principate, the system of imperial rule instituted by him and which endured for two centuries until Diocletian’s Dominate. That system essentially involved Augustus maintaining the façade or formal appearance of the Republic over the reality of imperial authority and institutions of empire, hence the modesty of the Princeps title.

And having transformed the Republic into an empire, he dramatically enlarged the empire – annexing Egypt of course in his defeat of Anthony and Cleopatra, but also conquering northern Hispania (modern Spain and Portugal), the Alpine regions of Raetia and Noricum (modern Switzerland, Bavaria, Austria, Slovenia), and Illyricum and Pannonia (modern Albania, Croatia, Hungary, Serbia). He also extended the borders of the province of Africa (the former territory of Carthage), peacefully converted the client state of Galatia (part of modern Turkey but with Gauls!) into a Roman province, and added Judea to the province of Syria as a recurring source of unforeseen Roman imperial woes, not to mention Christianity.

In other words, he sealed up the Mediterranean under Roman supremacy (not to mention Italy’s alpine buffer), making the Mediterranean their b*tch – or mare nostrum as they called it. Not so much Germany though, with Augustine famously mourning the defeat and loss of three legions under their commander Varus in the Battle of Teutoberg Forest – “Quintili Vare, legiones redde! “(“Quintilius Varus, give me back my legions!”).

Oh well – even the greatest can’t win them all. However, it is a convenient segue to a comparison between Augustus and Julius Caesar. Caesar may well have been more charismatic than Augustus and definitely was a greater military leader, but I would say that Augustus obviously had greater political acumen than Caesar – given that the latter’s ambitions provoked his own assassination while the former’s created the empire. And fortunately Augustus could rely on the skill of his military commanders to compensate for his lack of skill – foremost among them Marcus Agrippa, who can lay claim to being among the best Roman military leaders.

After that comparison to Julius Caesar, I can’t resist quoting Dovahhatty’s comparison of Augustus to Alexander the Great (upon him visiting the latter’s tomb, where Dovahhatty has Augustus scoff “Pfft – what a loser!”):

“For when Alexander became king, he was twenty. When Octavian was adopted by Caesar, he was nineteen. When Alexander took thirteen years to conquer the sh*thole of the East, Octavian took the same time to subdue the entire Mediterranean. And while Alexander’s empire disintegrated the nanosecond after he died, Octavian would lay the foundations for the greatest empire in human history”.

Beyond the frontiers of his empire, Augustus “secured the empire with a buffer region of client states and made peace with the Parthian Empire through diplomacy”. Within them, “he reformed the Roman system of taxation, developed networks of roads with an official courier system, established a standing army, established the Praetorian Guard as well as official police and fire-fighting services for Rome, and rebuilt much of the city during his reign”. As he famously said, he found Rome a city of brick and left it a city of marble.

Finally, the longevity of Augustus’s reign and its legacy to the Roman world should not be overlooked as a key factor in the success of the Roman Empire, if only because as Tacitus observed, the younger generation at his death in 14 AD (after his reign of over 40 years!) had never known anything else than his Principate.

But it wasn’t just that – “Augustus’s own experience, his patience, his tact, and his political acumen also played their parts. He directed the future of the empire down many lasting paths, from the existence of a standing professional army stationed at or near the frontiers, to the dynastic principle so often employed in the imperial succession, to the embellishment of the capital at the emperor’s expense. Augustus’s ultimate legacy was the peace and prosperity the Empire enjoyed for the next two centuries under the system he initiated. His memory was enshrined in the political ethos of the Imperial age as a paradigm of the good emperor. Every emperor of Rome adopted his name, Caesar Augustus, which gradually lost its character as a name and eventually became a title. The Augustan era poets Virgil and Horace praised Augustus as a defender of Rome, an upholder of moral justice, and an individual who bore the brunt of responsibility in maintaining the empire”

(By the way, if I was extending my top ten to emperors past 476 AD, the top five would remain the same. Basil II, Justinian and Heraclius would be in sixth to eighth place and I’d probably shuffle Valentinian out for Alexios I in ninth place, while placing the last emperor Constantine XI in my wildcard tenth place. That is probably over-ranking him, but I just can’t resist the symmetry of first and last emperors in first and tenth place. Besides, he chose to go out with the empire in a bang rather than a whimper – and that’s worth something, even a wildcard tenth place).

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GOD-TIER)

EMPIRE-MAKER

 

MAXIMUS:

Augustus didn’t claim any formal victory titles that I could find, but did hold three triumphs – for his conquest of Pannonia, for the naval victory against Cleopatra and Antony at Actium, and for the conquest of Egypt

DEIFICATION:

Divine Augustus!

SPECTRUM RANKING COMPARISON: Exactly the same – top spot, as he also was in the ranking by Daily Roman Updates, but no surprise there.

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (2) Worst: Nero

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XII: The Mad Emperors

 

(2) WORST: NERO –

JULIO-CLAUDIAN DYNASTY

(54-68 AD: 13 YEARS 7 MONTHS 27 DAYS)

 

What can I say? You just can’t argue with the Gospel of Suetonius. Or the Book of Apocalypse, with Nero literally as the Beast of the Apocalypse – or as I like to quip, that sixy beast, given that the Number of the Beast was alphanumeric code for Nero Caesar.

Well, Nero or some weird revenant superpowered uber-Nero, with one of the heads of the beast having healed from a fatal wound, matching the so-called Nero Redivivus Legend, or the widespread belief that Nero was either not dead after his apparent suicide or somehow would return.

I mean, you can’t argue with legendary cruelty and depravity that is so legendary as to give rise to the further legend of coming back from the dead to keep doing it. After his death, at least three leaders of short-lived, failed rebellions presented themselves as “Nero reborn” – Pseudo-Nero, or is that pseudo-uber Nero?

In other words, you just can’t argue with the legend – legend that lends him notoriety as one of Rome’s two archetypes of evil emperor, even if that notoriety exceeds the historical reality and is likely exaggerated, by the Roman elites who hated him and wrote his histories, as well as the Christian writers who saw him as “one of their earliest and most infamous villains”.

I am inclined to accept that his legendary cruelty and depravity was exaggerated, particularly in its most lurid details. However, I just can’t go past that name recognition or iconic status…and I’m also inclined to accept that “he was really off his rocker”, albeit probably later in his reign.

Dare I say it – there’s just a little too much smoke for there not to have been fire (heh). Just perhaps not the Great Fire as it was attributed to him as arsonist – or that he fiddled while Rome burned as the saying goes, or that he sang or played the lyre as the legend went. However, it does seem plausible that he was tone deaf to placing too much priority on lavish palaces for himself in the reconstruction or used it as an opportunity to scapegoat Christians.

“Most Roman sources offer overwhelmingly negative assessments of his personality and reign. Most contemporary sources describe him as tyrannical, self-indulgent, and debauched”. Or as Suetonius wrote, in his chapter on Nero that is the second most entertaining chapter in The Twelve Caesars – “his acts of wantonness, lust, extravagance, avarice and cruelty”.

Unlike the empire breakers in this top ten, he did have some basic competence as emperor, notably with respect to wars and revolts, even if that was more his generals (and there was little that could realistically challenge an empire then at the top of its game) – the general Corbulo who fought the Roman–Parthian War of 58–63, and made peace with the hostile Parthian Empire and the general Suetonius Paulinus who quashed the famous revolt in Britain led by queen Boudica (even if he went so beserk on the Britons afterwards that Nero had to recall him). During his reign, the client Bosporan Kingdom was also annexed to the empire, and the First Jewish–Roman War began (albeit finished by the Flavian dynastic duo, Vespasian and Titus, that fought it for Nero).

But we are talking about someone who killed his own mother, even if that mother was the infamous Agrippina and she was scheming against him (as she had originally schemed for him and against his predecessor Claudius). It took him a few attempts too, which I like to think of as the original source of that legend of Nero being hard to kill permanently. Like mother, like son.

His early reign was decent enough – it seems modern scholars follow Roman historians in seeing his mother’s death as the point he lost the plot. Which is where those lurid details come in – “he started to become more preoccupied with leading a decadent life…drank and ate a lot, and immersed himself in perverted sexual behaviour, both with men and women”.

My favorite is the reference in Suetonius that forever burnt itself into my adolescent mind when I read it – that he “devised a kind of game, in which, covered with the skin of some wild animal, he was let loose from a cage and attacked the private parts of men and women, who were bound to stakes, and when he had sated his mad lust, was dispatched”.

And there was his infamous persecution of the Christians, swallowing up even Saints Peter and Paul – including that he “had many of them tied up on poles next the road, then covered in tar and set on fire, so they could function as street lighting during parties.

He also “fancied himself a wonderful poet, singer and lyricist” – hence the last words attributed to him, “what an artist the world is losing!”.

Those last words came after the Senate had Nero declared a public enemy and condemned to death in absentia – his death at his own hand sparking Rome’s first succession crisis, which might be dubbed the crisis of the first century but for the empire being too stable and secure at that time, as well as a brief civil war between rival claimants known as the Year of the Four Emperors.

 

RATING: 1 STAR*

F-TIER (WORST-TIER – OR IS THAT BEAST TIER?)

EMPIRE-DEBAUCHER

 

MAXIMUS:

No victory titles as far as I’m aware.

DAMNED:

Not a formal damnatio memoriae but he was declared public enemy by the Senate.

SPECTRUM RANKING COMPARISON:

One of the biggest differences in our rankings – Spectrum noting (with some justice) that he wasn’t a bad emperor (but not a good one either) and ranking twenty-nine emperors as worse than Nero prior to 395 AD (with at least Honorius and Valentinian III also as worse afterwards)

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (2) Best: Trajan

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XII: The Five Good Emperors

 

(2) BEST: TRAJAN –

NERVA-ANTONINE DYNASTY / FIVE GOOD EMPERORS

(98 -117 AD: 19 YEARS 6 MONTHS 10/14 DAYS)

 

The Optimus Prime of Roman emperors. No, really, as in the Senate gave him the title of Optimus or Optimus Princeps, “the best” or “the best emperor”, one of the two benchmarks or gold standards invoked by the Senate for every new emperor thereafter, wishing them to be better than Trajan…but none were (with the possible exception of Aurelian). A little like Jedi wishing may the Force be with you.

Everybody loved Trajan. The army, with whom he was popular as he had distinguished himself in military campaigns against the Germanic tribes. The Praetorian Guard, whose revolt had forced his predecessor Nerva to adopt him as heir and successor. The people. The Senate, who deified him after his death, and as I said, invoked him thereafter for new emperors.

“As an emperor, Trajan’s reputation has endured – he is one of the few rulers whose reputation has survived 19 centuries.”

“Even Christian historians saw him as a virtuous pagan, among other things for not persecuting them too hard during his reign (Catholic tradition holds that Pope Gregory I briefly raised Trajan from the dead in order to convert him). He is immortalized in Heaven in The Divine Comedy”.

He was a successful soldier-emperor, who took the Roman Empire to its greatest territorial extent by the time of his death – a greater area is argued on occasion for Septimus Severus, although that is not clear and just extended worthlessly further into the Saharan desert at most.

Famously, he extended the empire by the conquest of Dacia in his wars against it, and by his annexation of Mesopotamia, Armenia and Assyria as Roman provinces in his war against the Parthian Empire. Less famously, he seems to have quickly and quietly annexed the Arabian client kingdom of Nabataea, possibly because they were just signed up from his pure awesomeness because little else is recorded of it.

And his general Quietus suppressed a widespread revolt by the Jews in the eastern provinces that henceforth bore an adaptation of the name Quietus – the Kitos War, yet another of those recurring revolts by the Jews against the empire before Hadrian wiped Judaea and Jerusalem from the map.

It wasn’t just all conquest or war – he was also a philanthropic ruler, albeit at some cost in debasing the currency. He oversaw prolific building projects and social welfare policies.

May Trojan’s force be with you, indeed.

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GOD TIER)

EMPIRE-MAKER

MAXIMUS:

Germanicus, Dacicus, Parthicus – and of course, Optimus or best

DEIFIED:

By the gods and divine Trajan, yes!

SPECTRUM RANKING COMPARISON: Exactly the same, in second place – just as it was for Daily Roman Updates, and the Roman Senate for that matter.

Mega-City Law – Judge Dredd Case Files 2: The Cursed Earth (progs 61-85)

 

And here we are in Judge Dredd’s first true epic, The Cursed Earth – for which some of my favorite images come not from the original print in 2000 AD, but the Eagle Comics reprints with their cover art by Brian Bolland.

You may recall the Cursed Earth all the way back from progs 3-4, although it had yet to be christened the Cursed Earth and was simply described as the “wilderness from the Atomic Wars” – if by wilderness, of course, you mean most of the former United States (outside the mega-cities on East and West Coasts and in Texas), now dangerous and mutated badlands (with a running theme of dark, mutated versions of the United States). The Cursed Earth is downright drokking dangerous – mutants, aliens, ratnadoes, the last President of the United States, Las Vegas, war droids…and freaking dinosaurs!

The Cursed Earth combines the essential Judge Dredd epic plotlines – Dredd confronting some threat, often existential, to Mega-City One, and Dredd venturing to some other, often exotic, location, or a combination of the two, Dredd venturing to some other, often exotic, location TO confront some threat, often existential, to Mega-City One. The Cursed Earth epic is just that – except the existential threat is not to Mega-City One, but its West Coast counterpart of Mega-City Two. In this case, it is a deadly virus that turns people into murderous, cannibalistic psychopaths (not unlike Rage virus in the 28 Days Later film(s), or for that matter, the Chaos Bug that almost wiped out Mega-City One in subsequent issues).

And it doesn’t get more exotic, or downright weird, than the Cursed Earth – except perhaps for alien space (both of which we’ll get to visit in The Judge Child Quest epic).

As for the storyline, it is simple and straightforward, much like that in Mad Max Fury Road (which come to think of it, would make for an excellent Cursed Earth storyline – Judge Dredd and Mad Max are even owned by the same studios, hint hint) – all the better to let the SF future satire and absurdist black comedy play it out. Dredd has to drive through the Cursed Earth to take a vaccine to Mega-City Two. Of course, they, ahem, borrowed the storyline from Roger Zelazny’s Damnation Alley. I know it, you know it and they know it. Who cares? It was an SF classic – a former Hell’s Angel has to drive a vaccine from the West Coast to the East Coast in a post-apocalyptic United States after a nuclear war. Judge Dredd just goes in the opposite direction. He even takes his own former Hell’s Angel-style biker with him (by the name of Spikes Rotten).

In Damnation Alley, flight was simply not possible due to the freakish atmospheric conditions as a result of the nuclear war. In the world of Dredd, with its regular aircraft (and space flights!), this excuse doesn’t really seem to wash, although there is a passing reference to the Death Belt of floating (and radioactive) atmospheric debris – which doesn’t seem to recur after this epic. Hell – Mega-City One supersurfer Chopper later crosses the Cursed Earth on a hoverboard! The Cursed Earth storyline offers the flimsy excuse that the plague infectees have taken over the Mega-City Two airport(s?). Surely Mega-City One aircraft could simply land as near the city as possible? Or Mega-City could use drones or similar craft to land anywhere else within the city other than the airports? But again, who cares? Who wants to see Judge Dredd fly over the Cursed Earth? Of course, we want to see Dredd ride across it (in his special Killdozer vehicle) and fight dinosaurs. So strap yourself in for the ride…

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 1-2 –
FORBIDDEN FRUIT / INTO THE DARKNESS
(progs 61-62)

You gotta love that title spread!

Forbidden Fruit in prog 61 opens The Cursed Earth epic, setting up its premise. Mega-City Two – Mega-City One’s Californian counterpart on the Pacific coastline – has been stricken with plague. What exactly is this plague (as Red’s co-pilot asks him)? No boring flu or anything like that for Judge Dredd’s first epic – it’s akin to the Rage virus in the 28 Days Later film franchise, although its victims are marginally more intelligent and articulate, not quite the de facto zombies of that franchise. Apparently, “it’s a disease left over from the Great Germ War… you know, the one that came after the Atomic War”. Judge Dredd’s world tends to be post-post-apocalyptic. It’s a wonder that ANYONE is alive in the twenty-second century, let alone the hundreds of millions of people in Mega-City One.

Anyway, plague-infected citizens have taken over the airports of Mega-City Two, conveniently isolating it by air for the plot, and have been transformed them into bestial, crazed cannibals. The plague is virus strain “2T(FRU)T” – adopted by the plague-infected into the strange battle cry – “tooty fruity”. Fortunately, Mega-City One has a vaccine. Unfortunately, the only way to get it to Mega-City Two is by land across the Cursed Earth.

Into the Darkness in prog 62 sees Judge Dredd equipped with his vehicle for the mission – the Landraider / Killdozer. (It’s a dual vehicle). Three other judges and some war droids are to accompany him – but Dredd handpicks Spikes Rotten for the mission, a criminal invoking the Hell’s Angel biker protagonist from Damnation Alley, because of Spikes’ previous experience as a gun-runner in the Cursed Earth.

 

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 3-4 –
THE DEVIL’S LAPDOGS / KING RAT
(progs 63-64)

Ratnado!

That’s right, Sharknado – Judge Dredd did it first in The Cursed Earth.

And in progs 63-64, we get to our ‘ratnado’, a tornado of rats known as The Devil’s Lapdogs. After the Atomic Wars, “great winds swept the land” hurling the postwar flotsam and jetsam high into the sky, where it became the Death Belt, a vast belt of flying garbage where nothing could survive, except of course the rats. The mutated rats learnt to glide on the air currents, swooping down with the winds like locusts, particularly upon the poor Cursed Earth town of Deliverance.

Dredd beats the ratnado (by playing Pied Piper with his bike siren).

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 5-6 –
THE MUTIE MOUNTAINS / DARK AUTUMN (progs 65-66)

One of my favorite images (colorized from the original black and white art by Brian Bolland) from The Cursed Earth epic – mutant Mount Rushmore! The mutant head I can understand, but Jimmy Carter?! Naturally, 2000 AD couldn’t resist the joke at the expense of the American president at the time.

Judge Dredd hasn’t made it all the way to South Dakota – apparently the Mount Rushmore sculpture was moved to just outside Mega-City One, although I’m not sure for what purpose, as it’s still in The Cursed Earth.

Dredd tries to avoid “mutie country” but the mutant leader, Brother Morgar of the Brotherhood of Darkness – it’s his head in the mutated Mount Rushmore – has other plans. He sets off after Dredd, in a procession of vehicles salvaged together – not unlike Immortan Joe and his war boys in Mad Max: Fury Road. Indeed, Immortan Joe and his mutated warlord state would fit right in the Cursed Earth (and a cinematic crossover between Mad Max and Judge Dredd is entirely possible albeit unlikely, not to mention totally AWESOME, as they are owned by the same studio) – or for that matter, it would only take a few cosmetic changes to reimagine Brother Morgar and his followers as Immortan Joe and his war boys (or vice versa).

Needless to say, it does not turn out well for Brother Morgar and his followers. Dredd initially has a mutant standoff in prog 65, by threatening to destroy Morgar’s mutant statue. Obviously he has a big head in more way than one and lets Dredd’s team go. Of course, the Brotherhood pursues Dredd’s party in prog 66 – but the latter are helped by a mutant youth named Novar with powerful psi abilities. He seems to be an all-round psi, at least with telepathy or some similar ability to divine Dredd’s mission of mercy (hence why he aids them) but also telekinesis which he uses to destroy the Brotherhood of Darkness. The episode concludes with a hint that Novar may have more of a role to play with respect to Judge Dredd…but we never see him again, as subsequent writers obviously just shelved or forgot about him.

 

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 7 –
NIGHT OF THE VAMPIRE (prog 67)

Dredd vs Dracula!

Well, not quite, although that would be AWESOME! As we will see in subsequent episodes, there are vampires in the Dreddverse, but they tend to be of alien or mutant origin. Here it’s something much more murderous – the last President of the United States, Robert Booth.

Well, technically the actual ‘vampire’ are a trio of malfunctioning medic robots maintaining him in suspended animation and draining the local Cursed Earth villagers of blood to do it.

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 8 –
THE SLEEPER AWAKES (prog 68)

And so we are introduced to President Booth (or “Bad Bob” Booth), a small but important part of the Dreddverse mythology. Some of you may have wondered how Mega-City One came to be governed by the Judges, given that its predecessor United States is not governed by Judges – unless the Judges of the Supreme Court were to start riding around on motorcycles dispensing justice with guns, which admittedly also sounds AWESOME! The answer lies with President Booth. Sorry to say it, but the Atomic Wars started with an American first strike – when President Booth pushed the button:

“My Fellow Americans – we stand on the brink of eternity! Foreign elements are at work in every corner of the globe, conspiring to do us down an’ to undermine our position as the richest, greediest nation on Earth. I have issued an ultimatum to world leaders – get off our backs an’ start playin’ ball or face annihilation, that ultimatum has now expired”.

Booth had deluded himself into believing that the American missile shields would protect the nation. Instead, they DID protect the coastal mega-cities, but the rest of the United States became, well, the Cursed Earth. In response (and in accordance with the surviving outraged public), the Judges – which had been created as the elite police force in the growing mega-cities – assumed control with their Declaration of Judgement, which is what we see in this episode (the backstory of the Atomic Wars was in subsequent episodes).

“Here is the Declaration of Judgement…for crimes against the American people, your presidency is at an end!”

President Booth was tried by a Grand Council of Judges and found guilty of war crimes – but the Judges hesitated to execute the last President of the United States. Instead, they sentenced him to a hundred years of suspended animation in Fort Knox – with three medic robots programmed to routinely check and change his blood.

Which of course brings us to the vampire robots – which Dredd has re-programmed to help work for the local farmers. As for Booth himself, Dredd commutes the sentence to life imprisonment, working alongside the robots to help the farmers bring life back to the Cursed Earth – “Every day, you’ll see the mess you made of America!”

The Declaration of Judgement was also captured in this Brian Bolland cover art for the Eagle comics of the second part of the Cursed Earth epic – flashing back to the Judges sentencing the last President of the United States.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 9 –
THE SLAY RIDERS (Prog 69)

It’s about time we had Judge Dredd’s “I am the Law” – and more classic Brian Bolland art.

This episode sees a return to Brian Bolland’s fantastic art, but also the writer Pat Mills’ misanthropy – a characteristic theme in his writing in which he seems to prefer aliens, dinosaurs, robots and basically anything else to people. Mind you, the people in his stories generally have it coming.

And so we are introduced to one of the most noble characters in any Judge Dredd storyline, who is of course an alien – Tweak. Ironically, for an episode positively dripping in Mills’ misanthropy, it also portrays Judge Dredd at his noblest and most heroic, although Dredd was always something of an exception for Mill’s usual depiction of humanity.

The episode starts as Dredd’s party cross the Mississippi – “the once mighty river is still ablaze with petrol, foul-smelling pollutants, and nuclear wastes from the Great Atomic War…a torrent of fiery death”. To cross it, they take a ferry – drawn by alien slave labor. Aliens? In the Cursed Earth? The ferry operator explains that they were “specimens brought back by the starships…used to be kept on an alien nature reserve around here” – until the war. Hmm, sounds a little…contrived. Among them is Tweak, who resembles a bipedal rock-eating aardvark – and he senses in Dredd an exception to the rule that humanity has proved to him so far.

With regret that he must postpone action against the alien slave trade for his mission to Mega-City Two (but vowing to return to deal with it), Dredd and company continue on their mission.

However, the next day, they see Tweak, having eaten his way out of his cage last night, fleeing as a fugitive from a pack of ‘slay-riders’ – who are admittedly riding some pretty cool mutant, ah, horse-things. The slay-riders run down and net Tweak, who obviously calls out for help, even in his alien language. And Dredd of course responds to the call – “When someone calls on the Law for help, be he mutie, alien, cyborg or human, the Law cannot turn a blind eye! AND I AM THE LAW!”

As I said, the Cursed Earth epic portrays Judge Dredd at his noblest and most heroic. It is a pity that his catchphrase is not often shown at its more expansive, as it is here. Typically, Judge Dredd is cast as an authoritarian figure, often satirically so, with his catchphrase as a reinforcement of that. He certainly is an authoritarian figure, but much more nuanced than the simple satire of a police state – and, as here, his catchphrase is more than a statement of his authority, it is the embodiment of duty.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 10 –
REQUIEM FOR AN ALIEN (Prog 70)

Dredd first rides out to rescue Tweak and confront the slay-riders, led by their Alien Catcher General – a figure with distinctive echoes not only of Confederate hunters of fugitive slaves, but also the Witchfinder Generals of witch hunts. Although ironically the Alien Catcher-General has either a mutation or a mask of the head of a goat – ironically, that is, because he resembles nothing so much as the demonic (or devilish) Sabbat Goat of witches’ sabbaths, the opposite of what you might expect for witchfinder generals or witch hunts. Given the slay-riders’ attitudes to aliens and the general human prejudice against mutants, I’d suspect a mask rather than a mutation. Although they don’t seem to have an issue with mutant steeds, here gloriously depicted by Brian Bolland.

Unfortunately, although Dredd and company defeat the slay riders (losing their second Judge, having lost the first to the Brotherhood of Darkness), Tweak has lost his family – his mate and two young children already killed by the slavers. Dredd and company follow him to their grave in a neighboring plantation. It moves Dredd to one of his rare demonstrations of emotion – “Tweak, ain’t much I can do to make amends, buddy…but you’re welcome to come with us – and I’m sorry”.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 11-12 –
BURGER WARS (progs 71-72)

Burger Wars – Ronald McDonald vs Burger King!

Now we reach the point in Judge Dredd’s Cursed Earth epic where my Mega-City Law has a treat for you – the first of the episodes that were originally censored as a result of lawsuit against 2000 AD. I thought Judge Dredd was the Law?

Anyway, that changed in 2014 with a European directive on copyright law allowing the use of copyright protected characters for parody and 2000 AD’s publisher Rebellion Developments republished the suppressed episodes in a new edition of The Cursed Earth in 2016.

Anyway, Judge Dredd and biker companion Spikes scout out the land and find the oddly named town of In-Between, but they soon find out that the town is in between the two warring hamburger chains (or burger barons) – McDonalds to the north and Burger King to the south. Of course, they find this out when Spikes makes the nearly fatal faux pas of ordering a hamburger, offending the town’s neutral sensibilities as the last “free town” left and raising the suspicion that the outsiders are spies. However, this standoff is diverted when the two warring sides, led by figures costumed as their trademarks, descend upon the town (in pick-up trucks and vans), each claiming the town as their “customers”. Hmmm, one can see how this might have been controversial, although arguably also something of a backhanded compliment to the burger chains’ powers of endurance in a post-apocalyptic world.

Dredd and Spikes are captured by the overwhelming numbers of McDonalds’ men, while Ronald McDonald himself personally dispatches the Burger King – prompting the Burger King forces to retreat.

Ronald McDonald announces his vision of the future to the cheering crowds of McDonalds City – a dream in which he sees “every square inch of this fair land covered by one big McDonalds burger bar…everything that’s decent and American HAS BEEN WIPED OUT and in its place will stand McDonalds – one huge onion-spangled McDonalds, from sea to shining sea”. That ends his “speechifying” – he then pronounces the “burgers and shakes are on me!”

However, there’s a momentary blot on this vision as the crowds (and prisoners) gather in the burger bar, Ronald queries a staff member why a table hasn’t been wiped. When the staff member stammers he’ll attend to it now, Ronald guns him down – “We’ve got standards of cleanliness to maintain”. Hmm – I must admit I’m with Ronald on this one. I bet that would improve service standards considerably – and there’s nothing worse than an unwiped table.

Dredd remonstrates with Ronald McDonald about the purposelessness of burning the town – “You’ve won this ridiculous war! You killed the Burger King!”. However, Ronald McDonald counters that “they’ll just choose another one”, revealing that he and the Burger King are just titled positions – he inherited his own as his father ran “McDonalds in these parts” before the Atomic Wars, and he’s just carrying on the “family tradition”. Although in this case, the family tradition has turned into violent empire-building. Unfortunately for Dredd and Spikes, Ronald McDonald pronounces they’ll just have to remain McDonalds’ “customers” until the war is won – and that might take a while. After all, “this is big country – burger country!”

Dredd and Spikes soon manage to escape (and free other prisoners) by overwhelming their somewhat perfunctory two guards – “both fat and slow from too many takeaways”. They steal one of the McDonalds vehicles, but run into a herd of giant mutated cattle the size of elephants – hence all that beef for burgers. Their truck is overturned when a Burger King ambush drives a stampede of cattle directly at them. They are about to be lynched (as sentenced by a Burger King judge, strangely wearing an English judge’s wig), but are saved in the nick of time by the Land-Raider, guns blazing and commanded by Judge Jack. With that, they leave the Burger Wars behind them (never to be seen or heard from again in the comic) and resume their mission to save Mega-City Two.

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 13-16 –
SATANUS (progs 73-76)

Now for the main attraction of the Cursed Earth epic – Judge Dredd vs a tyrannosaurus rex!

And to celebrate, I couldn’t resist using the image of Satanus about to chow down on the bound Dredd from the Eagle reprint comics – which rivals that other Brian Bolland cover’s mutants as THE iconic image of the Cursed Earth epic. Indeed, it was my introduction to the epic, as I saw it as a ‘flashback’ poster in 2000 AD comics well before I read the epic itself, so I was left in suspense for years as to how Dredd escaped those gaping jaws.

So why are there dinosaurs roaming the Cursed Earth? Why the hell not? Everything’s better with dinosaurs! But seriously, Judge Dredd does Jurassic Park – or more precisely, since Judge Dredd did genetically engineered dinosaurs before Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park did Judge Dredd. Where’s the check, Jurassic Park?

Of course, another reason might be that Judge Dredd writer Pat Mills just wanted to shoehorn dinosaurs into the Cursed Earth epic from his beloved Flesh series – a series that started in the opening line-up in the very first issue of 2000 AD (preceding Judge Dredd itself, which only started in the second issue, albeit due to scheduling difficulties). That series had an intriguing premise – that the extinction of dinosaurs occurred because they were herded or hunted to extinction by time cowboys from the future, seeking to feed the meat-starved twenty-third century. Of course, being his usual misanthropic self, Mills tended to prefer the dinosaurs to people, with the occasional exception of characters who effectively went ‘dinosaur’ in any event.

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 13-14
THE COMING OF SATANUS / FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS (progs 73-74)

As for what dinosaurs are doing in the Cursed Earth, they are dinosaurs “from Dinosaur National Park, brought back to life by genetic engineering”, but “when the atomic war came, the dinosaurs must have been left free to roam”.

And eat sacrificial offerings from the Cursed Earth township of Repentance, which is how Dredd (and his companion Spikes) find themselves drugged and then bound to be eaten by the tyrannosaurus rex Satanus.

There – I’ve pretty much summed up those two episodes.

I mean, that’s almost literally Spike’s question to Dredd and Dredd’s reply as the Land-Raider gets caught up in a dinosaur stampede in The Coming of Satanus (prog 73)

The rest of the episode deals with the backstory of the re-gened dinosaurs in general and Satanus in particular, but you’ve seen Jurassic Park, haven’t you? It’s pretty much that…although Mills seems to write it almost as reincarnation, with memories of their former lives, particularly for Satanus, as one of the offspring of his tyrannosaur matriarch Old One Eye in the Flesh comic (and was killed by her when he challenged her for leadership of the herd of something). I’m…not sure DNA works that way.

Satanus is the first dinosaur created by the Jurassic Park re-gening process – and yes, they called him that, which seemed to be begging for trouble. And sure enough, he is vicious, with a particular taste for human flesh, even escaping into the mountains of the park where he remained at large – until I guess the Atomic Wars set all the dinosaurs free.

Anyway, the Land-Raider incurs damage to a track so Judge Dredd and his team seek assistance at the nearby town of Repentance. Interestingly, there’s a recurring folk horror vibe to the Cursed Earth, not just in this epic but in subsequent episodes – where towns lure passers-by in with an apparently wholesome friendly welcome, often dressed up in Americana, only for the sacrificial purpose of their dark secret. Indeed, this is the second time that folk horror vibe has played out in the epic – with Deliverance and the ratnado now essentially being replayed as Repentance and the tyrannosaur Satanus.

As Dredd said to Spikes at the end of episode The Coming of Satanus, “they’re too friendly”. And of course his “uneasy feeling” is right. Never ask for whom the bell tolls in the next episode of that title – it tolls for thee, Dredd! Well, more precisely, it tolls for Satanus as his dinner bell to come and eat Dredd, but you get the point.

 

 

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 15-16
PICNIC AT BLACK ROCK / BLACK SABBATH (progs 75-76)

Fortunately Dredd manages to use one of Satanus’ own teeth lodged in the rock from a previous sacrifice to saw through his bonds and escape. Satanus then rampages through the town of Repentance.

There – I’ve summarized the two episodes.

It’s a little more involved than that. Dredd has to do a little more than saw through his bonds, as Spikes is also bound as a sacrifice – and Satanus is leading a pack of tyrannosaurs to the feed. After escaping, he then cuts Spikes loose but is picked up by one of the tyrannosaurs. Spikes lobs a grenade (which he was wearing as earring) and a tyrannosaur snaps it up – killing that tyrannosaur and injuring Satanus with the shrapnel. The pack descends in a feeding frenzy on the headless tyrannosaur – which is when Dredd and Spikes are able to get away, making their way back to Repentance.

When they get there, the townspeople of course attack them – before the cavalry arrives in the form of Tweak driving the Land-Raider. In the meantime, Satanus is in a bad mood and decided that all deals are off with the township, attacking the jailhouse and everyone in it in a feeding frenzy, picking up the other surviving Judge on the mission, Judge Jack, in his claws.

Dredd is in his own bad mood, intending to use the Land-Raider to burn Satanus and the town to the ground – “Attention, people of Repentance! This is Judge Dredd! I am going to punish you for your crimes! You have five minutes to evacuate the town, before I raze Repentance to the ground!”

And you have to love that opening panel of prog 76, Black Sabbath – “The Devil Beast Triumphs!”.

But not for long – Dredd manages to save Judge Jack and also use the Land-Raider to raze both Repentance and Satanus – although unknown to Dredd, Satanus escaped death by falling through to the basement of the church in Repentance, emerging in an epilogue to the episode. As the epilogue intones, the world had not seen the last of Satanus. Well, Judge Dredd and Mega-City One had – except for his blood, as we’ll see – but Satanus was to cross over (by time travel) into another 2000 AD story…

 

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 19-20 –
LOSER’S LEAP / THE GOD JUDGE (progs 79-80)

(17-18 GIANTS AREN’T GENTLEMEN / SOUL FOOD progs 77-78)

Judge Dredd in Vegas!

After escaping the Cursed Earth tyrannosaur Satanus, Judge Dredd’s Cursed Earth epic finds itself back on track in Las Vegas. Well, Satanus and the Utah Dustbowl silliness in the following two episodes in progs 77-78 (Giants Aren’t Gentlemen & Soul Food). The latter were censored from the the original run because of its reference to Colonel Sanders and other trademark characters – but you’re not missing much, as they were a weird diversion without adding to the epic (and arguably detracting from it).

Anyway, when introduced in the Cursed Earth epic (in Loser’s Leap in prog 79), post-apocalyptic Las Vegas has metastasized into a city entirely based on gambling ruled by the Mafia. So…pretty much the same as PRE-apocalyptic Las Vegas, amirite? (Although I’m not sure how it works in the absence of any national or international tourism).

Judge Dredd and his crew are met with a “welcoming committee” in the form of old-style tanks attacking them. Dredd’s twenty-second century Land-Raider easily destroys the twentieth century tanks, but the numbered flag on each tank was a dead giveaway of their real purpose – they, like everything else in Las Vegas, were all part of a gambling game, much to the enthusiasm of the punters who bet on the “strangers”.

Dredd gets progressively more outraged as he explores the city, noting that Las Vegas has a judge-system and querying why it hasn’t intervened to halt the runaway gambling. (Although it makes me wonder more why the mega-cities, with their judge-systems, have had no contact with the judge-system in Las Vegas – particularly Mega-City Two on the West Coast, of which Vegas should effectively be part). As Dredd looks for the Vegas Judges, his outrage is complete when he happens on the Vegas Hall of Justice, housed in a casino, and sets upon it like Jesus Christ after the moneylenders in the Temple. There he finds the Vegas Judges – in uniforms of the same appearance as Mega-City Judges, but with dollar signs emblazoned on their chests, and with stereotypical Italian accents – operating the tables. Dredd demands to see the Chief Judge – and his request is corrected by Vegas Judges to refer to the God-Judge. Sigh.

Dredd assails the God-Judge as unfit for office but is overpowered by the Vegas Judge Fingers (obviously a mutant because of his giant size and extra fingers). And so Dredd finds himself poised over the precipice at Loser’s Leap because in post-apocalyptic Vegas, even death needs to have side-bets – a literal leap off one of the towering high-storied buildings, with target zones painted on the ground for onlooker bets as to the leapers’, ah, final destination.

After that literal cliffhanger, Dredd is fortunately saved in the next episode (The God-Judge in prog 80) by the intervention of Spikes with a (para)chute and they land a safe distance away from the target. (I hope the bookies offered odds on landing outside the target). More fortunately, they are rescued by the Vegas quasi-religious underground resistance, the League Against Gambling. Dredd is hailed by the League as their Savior, according to their book of prophecy (penned by their former leader) – “And lo – out of the east will come a man in black, his steed will be of iron and his anger will be like the roaring of demons. He will smite the chief evil-doer in his temple”. As Spikes jokes, “that’s you all over, Dreddy!”

And although he disclaims the prophecy, Dredd proceeds to fulfil it in his usual style and hands over the position of God-Judge to the leader of the League before resuming his mission to Mega-City Two. The League leader exclaims that Dredd’s memory will – “No one will forget the day Judge Dredd came to Vegas – and won!”

The house always wins, except against Judge Dredd.

Las Vegas was to recur on occasion in subsequent episodes or other stories set in the Dreddverse, when the action ventured far enough afield to it. Just don’t get too attached to the League, as the Mafia reclaim Vegas – or for that matter, just don’t get too attached to Vegas itself, as the writers presumably grew tired of its one-dimensional schtick. Being Vegas, it does go out in style – nuked by Judge Death. Yeah, the house doesn’t win against Judge Death either.

 

 

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 21-
TWEAK’S STORY (prog 81)

You have to love the opening panel of this episode, featuring the beleaguered Mega-City Two. I revisited this image during the Coronavirus pandemic in 2020, featuring as it does a welcome return of the art of Brian Bolland, 2000 AD’s best artist, and indeed one of my favorite opening spreads of the epic – “In plague-torn Mega-City Two, para-medic storm troopers fight a losing battle against the crazed victims of the disease”.

Paramedic storm troopers – now there’s a phrase you don’t hear every day. Or would want to. However, they certainly need it – and them – in Mega-City Two for those homicidal cannibalistic plague victims. At least, Coronavirus doesn’t turn people into crazed homicidal cannibals…yet. Pandemics have certainly played a major role in Judge Dredd’s history, not least the Chaos Bug that all but destroyed the city in the Day of Chaos epic. Mind you, it’s not the worst disease we’ll encounter in Judge Dredd – at least there’s a cure or vaccine, as opposed to Jigsaw Disease or Grubb’s Disease, although neither of those escalated into full-blown pandemic (in the case of Jigsaw Disease, because it is simply too alien and surreal). For that matter, this opening spread evokes some of the same frenetic violence by Mega-City citizenry as in Block Mania, the prelude to my favorite Judge Dredd epic of all time – The Apocalypse War.

I also love the bleak fatalism of the paramedic storm trooper team, as they are reduced to desperately firing off tranquilizer rounds (presumably gas) to hold the line – although their sergeant’s epithet for Mega-City One as “them yankees” doesn’t ring true. After all, this is West Coast Mega-City Two, not Texas City.

Sadly, we leave this intriguing opening spread behind as we continue with an interlude in The Curse Earth epic – but fortunately it’s the backstory of Dredd’s alien companion, Tweak, revealed to be highly intelligent and precognitive, as to how he ended up enslaved in the Cursed Earth. Long story short (and representative of writer Pat Mills’ characteristic misanthropy) – he’s a little like an alien space Jesus and humans are bastards.

 

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 22
TWEAK’S STORY (prog 82)

Just in case the whole Tweak as alien space Jesus wasn’t clear, his ‘crucifixion’ in Brian Bolland’s art in the opening panel should hammer it home – that and the tagline for the episode of alien messiah.

Essentially, Tweak has to play dumb to hide the intelligence of his species and avoid their exploitation by humans (as his species harvest gold and diamonds for food). Except of course HE continues to be exploited, first by the laboratory examination seen here, and then by his enslavement in the Cursed Earth, along with his mate and children (who were captured first, hence his heroic self-sacrifice to be with them in captivity).

One exception is Judge Dredd, who queries Tweak – “You sacrificed yourself and your family to save your planet – but what makes you think I won’t report the underground mineral farms on your planet – and a fleet of mining ships be sent out to tear your home apart?”

Tweak replies simply “I trust you, Judge Dredd”. Damn straight, Tweak, damn straight!

 

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 23-
LEGION OF THE DAMNED (progs 83)

Well, this is it – Judge Dredd’s Cursed Earth mission is in Death Valley and they can see the lights from Mega-City Two, just a few hours away. Dredd and his companions have survived mutants, slavers and even tyrannosaurs – surely there’s nothing between them and Mega-City Two now, right? Nothing, that is, except for a robot zombie apocalypse…

Or at least the robot equivalent of a zombie apocalypse – the remnants of war droids, mostly buried and dormant in the desert sand, but still functional and capable of being (re)activated.

War droids from what? The episodes expand upon the history of the Dreddverse and introduces the so-called Battle of Armageddon, in the form of Dredd paying his respects to the war memorial statue that honors the fallen Judges from the battle. Although…it seems to defeat the point of a war memorial statue. Mostly because no one would ever see it, given that Death Valley is in the Cursed Earth (and an unpopulated part at that), but also because the war is still going on around it, given that there are still functioning war droids in the location. As Dredd makes clear, the robot army was the only remaining military force loyal to President Booth. Remember him? The “vampire” back in Kentucky – the last President of the United States, who started the Atomic Wars, and from whom the Judges took control, with the Declaration of Judgement? Although it’s not clear why or to what purpose the battle was fought in Death Valley. Anyway, the Battle of Armageddon, was the Judges’ victory over Booth’s robot troopers (“the Judges had to crush them here in Death Valley”) – but one would have thought that victory involved, you know, not leaving active war robots behind on the battlefield. I mean, someone should have done something about that…

Judge Dredd intones that “it was the most savage battle of modern times…worse even than El Alamein, Iwo Jima and Stalingrad” – which seems to be a bit of hyperbole on his part, particularly as he adds that “one hundred thousand Judges and mega-troopers” (presumably a reference to Mega-City troopers fighting for the Judges) “lost their lives fighting for justice”. Sorry, Judge Dredd – it may have been worse than El Alamein or Iwo Jima, but Stalingrad was fought for over five months by over two million men with close to a million lives lost on both sides (not including wounded or captured). And there are other battles, not least in the world wars, that had over one hundred thousand lives lost – although perhaps not so many robots.

Even as Dredd is paying his respects, a robot trooper general – essentially a robot General Patton in the literal form of a tank (and similarly nicknamed with a robot pun twist “General Blood-and-Nuts”) exhorts the remaining robot troopers to resume the battle against the incoming Mega-City Judges. And despite some insubordinate protests that they’re “cosy in the dirt” and “the war’s over”, the robot troopers rise to the occasion – literally, like any good zombie apocalypse, rising from the ground.

The reactivated robot troopers attack Dredd’s party. The only other surviving Judge, Judge Jack – obviously traumatized by almost being eaten by Satanus – cracks and deserts, detaching the Kill-dozer from the vaccine car of the Land-Raider and attempting to surrender. Of course, the robots simply gun him down. Fortunately, the three remaining members of the mission – Dredd, Spikes and Tweak – manage to retreat to an old Spanish fort, where they are besieged by the robots.

 

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 24 –
JUDGE DREDD’S LAST STAND (prog 84)

Besieged by the army of the robot zombie apocalypse, Judge Dredd’s Cursed Earth mission comes right down to the wire, before an incoming sandstorm and a heroic sacrifice by a mortally wounded Spikes (equivalent to that of the Hells Angel protagonist in Damnation Alley) allows Dredd and alien Tweak to escape – barely. Each sets off with a pack of vaccine to travel on foot “sixty miles across the Mojave Desert to Mega-City Two”.

Indeed, you could say Spikes made two heroic self-sacrifices, in the last moments of his life and also in death – as Dredd dresses up the deceased Spikes in a Judge’s uniform and places him on the Lawmaster as a decoy to fool the robots into thinking he’s dead. For good measure, Dredd also programs the bike – and the accompanying vaccine car, having extracted two packs of vaccine for himself and Tweak to carry – to detonate. The robots are fooled into believing Dredd dead – and Dredd gives a eulogy for Spikes. “So long, Spikes, you were more than just a punk…you were…the greatest punk of all time!”.

Brian Bolland cover art for one of the issues of the Eagle comics reprint of The Cursed Earth epic depicted the charge of the Spikes brigade in all its glory.

 

 

 

JUDGE DREDD CASE FILES 2:
THE CURSED EARTH 25 –
THE BIG KISS-OFF (prog 85)

This is it – the finale of Judge Dredd’s Cursed Earth epic, with its iconic cover from the original comic (included in the collected edition) and its raw image of Dredd, close to breaking but yet unbroken, shouting his defiance to the Cursed Earth. Even if his eagle shoulder pad is so mangled that it looks like a dead chicken.

And so the Cursed Earth epic is akin to the Odyssey of Judge Dredd (whereas the Apocalypse War – or perhaps The Day the Law Died – would be his Iliad). Like Odysseus, Dredd embarks on a picaresque journey, albeit for a higher mission than Odysseus’ royal homecoming, and ends up in similar circumstances at the end of that journey – Odysseus was stripped of his ships, his men and even his clothes as he was washed up naked on the shore. The Cursed Earth epic doesn’t quite go that far – but Dredd otherwise ends up alone in the Californian desert (having been separated from Tweak in the sandstorm), his uniform in tatters, walking and ultimately crawling his way to Mega-City Two, pursued by some more revived robot troopers, also crawling from lack of power (and maintenance).

Finally, he crawls to an access point in Mega-City Two, itself a city on the verge of death – “Mega-City Two, where the neon lights had gone out…a city waiting to die. Luckily, that access point happens to be in one of the parts still safe from the plague – and they escort him inside.

Eight hours later, he’s recovered (while the city has feverishly processed the vaccine to save itself) and learns that Tweak also made it through – with the other vaccine pack. You see what I mean about Tweak as one of the noblest characters in any Judge Dredd storyline? All to save a city in a world whose inhabitants have brought him nothing but pain and sorrow (not to mention menaced his home planet) – even if his motives were mixed between alien altruism and loyalty to Judge Dredd. Dredd is reunited with Tweak some weeks later (Mega-City Two has assumed Tweak was Dredd’s “pet”) – Dredd offers for the world to know of Tweak’s heroism, but Tweak wants his people to remain secret and only to return home. And so Dredd sees Tweak off at the re-opened Los Angeles space port – before himself departing for Mega-City One, hoping for “a little peace and quiet”. After all, nothing could be worse than the Cursed Earth?

Yeah, good luck with that – as Dredd heads straight back into his next epic, The Day the Law Died…

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best & Worst Roman Emperors (3) Worst: Commodus

Dovahhatty – Unbiased HIstory of Rome XIII: The Severan Dynasty

 

(3) WORST: COMMODUS –

NERVA-ANTONINE DYNASTY

(180 – 192 AD: 12 YEARS 9 MONTHS 14 DAYS)

His accession was the exact moment Rome went from a kingdom of gold to a kingdom of iron and rust, according to contemporary historian Cassius Dio. (Almost literally in the form of him devaluing the currency).

I mean, you have seen the gospel according to Ridley Scott, Gladiator, haven’t you? As Dovahhatty joked, the “historian Ridley Scott already debunked all this garbage”.

Yes, it’s – ahem – not entirely accurate to history, but it does capture the essence of Commodus, even if it is turned all the way up to eleven (and he didn’t actually murder his father Marcus Aurelius to succeed to the throne).

Joaquim Phoenix nailed it with a despicably oily performance as Commodus – it’s something he does well, as in the Joker film. Come to think of it, his Joker would adapt reasonably well to Commodus.

In real life, Commodus was not killed in the arena by Maximus, a vengeful ex-general sentenced whose family Commodus had executed but was strangled in his bath by his wrestling partner Narcissus as part of a wider plot. However, if that doesn’t smack of symbolism for his reign of dissolute narcissism, I don’t know what does.

He was the first emperor “born in the purple”, that is, as during his father’s reign as emperor, and remained the only one for about two more centuries, as well as the empire’s best advertisement for an imperial line of succession by adoption,

In fairness, “whereas the reign of Marcus Aurelius had been marked by almost continuous warfare, Commodus’ rule was comparatively peaceful in the military sense” – mainly because he flaked out on finishing his father’s wars along the Danube properly – “but was also characterised by political strife and the increasingly arbitrary and capricious behaviour of the emperor himself”.

Not that he was any more interested in peacetime imperial administration than he was in the empire’s military policy – he preferred LARPing as Hercules or as a gladiator, the latter more akin to an abattoir for animals (when human gladiators weren’t taking a dive against him), which turned off even the usually bloodthirsty Roman audience.

Edward Gibbon’s title for his chapter on Commodus sums it up – the “cruelty, follies and murder of Commodus”. In it, Gibbon wrote “Commodus had now attained the summit of vice and infamy”.

Also – “But every sentiment of virtue and humanity was extinct in the mind of Commodus. Whilst he thus abandoned the reins of empire to these unworthy favourites, he valued nothing in sovereign power, except the unbounded licence of indulging his sensual appetites”.

 

RATING: 1 STAR*

F-TIER (WORST TIER)

EMPIRE DEBAUCHER

MAXIMUS:

He shared his father’s triumphs as Germanicus and Sarmaticus. He claimed the title of Germanicus Maximus from the victories of his generals, and Britannicus from the extension of Roman Britain to the Antonine Wall. Sigh

DAMNED & DEIFIED.

After his death, the Senate declared him a public enemy, albeit without any formal damnatio memoriae. Subsequent emperor Septimus Severus, seeking favor from the family of Marcus Aurelius, had Commodus deified. Sigh.

SPECTRUM RANKING COMPARISON: Exactly the same, as third worst emperor…except we probably should add Honorius and Valentinian to the absolute bottom of the list, which would make him fifth worst emperor.