Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best Roman Emperors (Special Mention) (2) Tiberius

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome X: The Mad Emperors

 

(2) TIBERIUS –
JULIO-CLAUDIAN DYNASTY
(14 – 37 AD: 22 YEARS 5 MONTHS 17 DAYS)

 

Like Claudius, you could arguably swap Tiberius into the top ten, albeit probably with more protest than for Claudius as some people – including contemporary Roman historians – seem to rank Tiberius among the worst. Even the Senate denied him the posthumous divine honors it gave Augustus and Claudius.

Those people are wrong. Indeed, it was a close call for me whom I ranked higher out of Claudius and Tiberius. As we’ve seen, ultimately I ranked Claudius higher, primarily because he inherited the empire from its worst emperor rather than its best – and because he was thrust into the position by the Praetorian Guard without any choice or preparation on his part.

Not that Tiberius was any happier to be emperor, although at least he had been nominated as heir in advance. “At the age of 55. Tiberius seems to have taken on the responsibilities of head of state with great reluctance…He came to be remembered as a dark, reclusive and sombre ruler who never really wanted to be emperor; Pliny the Elder called him ‘the gloomiest of men'”.

The problem for Tiberius is that he was overshadowed by Augustus as his predecessor, even in his own eyes. Perhaps foremost for his contemporaries was his absence of conquests as emperor, accustomed as they were to measuring an emperor by this criterion.

In my eyes, the prudence of Tiberius was exactly what the doctor ordered to consolidate the empire of Augustus – effectively Tiberius was the Hadrian to Augustus’ Trajan, but without withdrawing from any territory.

“Rather than embark on costly campaigns of conquest, he chose to strengthen the existing empire by building additional bases, using diplomacy as well as military threats, and generally refraining from getting drawn into petty squabbles between competing frontier tyrants. The result was a stronger, more consolidated empire, ensuring the imperial institutions introduced by his adoptive father would remain for centuries to come”.

This also overlooks that Tiberius had proved himself under Augustus as “one of the most successful Roman generals: his conquests of Pannonia, Dalmatia, Raetia, and (temporarily) parts of Germania laid the foundations for the empire’s northern frontier”.

It also overlooks an even better part of his prudence, though not unrelated to his prudence with respect to avoiding costly military campaigns – his financial prudence, rare among Roman emperors, such that he left the imperial treasury in huge surplus. Even Suetonius begrudged him that. While Suetonius notes that his successor and worst emperor Caligula squandered this, one wonders if the empire would have survived Caligula’s financial depredations otherwise – or whether the empire would have weathered its crisis of the first century, also known as the Year of the Four Emperors, quite so well but for the part Tiberius played in the empire’s military and financial consolidation.

Of course, it wasn’t just Augustus who overshadowed Tiberius, but Tiberius himself – particularly the latter part of his reign, after he retreated into isolation in Capri from 26 AD and his reign descended into despotism and depravity, albeit both overstated by Roman historians. The former accompanied the rise and fall of his Praetorian prefect Sejanus who effectively ruled Rome in his absence, while the latter was attributed to him in Capri by Suetonius. Let’s just say the less said about his little fishes the better – personally, I think it was just tabloid gossip made up or passed on by Suetonius. He’d probably be in a shoo-in for top ten if he’d died about halfway through his reign.

And like Claudius, when it came to a successor, he chose…poorly.

 

DID DOVAHHATTY DO RIGHT?

 

Like Claudius, the other emperor above all others destined to be depicted as a wojak – he “hated triumphs, hated people, hated being alive” (and pretty much hated being emperor as well.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****
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EMPIRE BASER

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best Roman Emperors (Special Mention) (1) Claudius

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome X: The Mad Emperors

 

(1) CLAUDIUS

JULIO-CLAUDIAN DYNASTY

(41-54 AD: 13 YEARS 8 MONTHS 19 DAYS)

 

“Such was life for Uncle Claudius”

Yes – it’s the first of six special mentions where you could arguably swap them into the top ten best emperors without too much protest.

It was a close call between Claudius and the other good imperial candidate from the Julio-Claudian dynasty who is my next special mention entry. Claudius just won out for a few reasons, but primarily because he inherited the empire from the worst emperor as opposed to the best. And I use inherited very loosely, as he was not a formal heir but was thrust into his position as emperor by the Praetorian Guard after they had assassinated his predecessor, Caligula – the tradition is that one of the Guard found him hiding behind a curtain and declared him emperor.

Also, Claudius was put upon throughout his life – hence Dovahhatty’s catchphrase for him “such was life for Uncle Claudius”, originating from his physical infirmities he had since youth, including a limp and stammer, although he claimed to have exaggerated them to survive the reign of Caligula.

And a lot of people have a soft spot for him from his sympathetic portrayal in Robert Graves’ I, Claudius and its BBC TV adaptation.

Anyway, he was thrown headfirst into the position of emperor without any choice or background for it on his part and he did a pretty damn good job of it, essentially emulating Augustus and pulling it off to a substantial degree.

He was an able and efficient administrator, above all restoring the empire’s finances after their ruination by the excesses of Caligula’s reign – while also being an ambitious builder of projects and public works across the empire and in its capital.

He also expanded the empire in its first (and most enduring) major expansion since Augustus – annexing or completing the annexation of Thrace (so that the empire finally encircled the Mediterranean completely), Noricum, Lycia, Judaea and Mauretania – but is best known for the conquest of Britain during his reign, although Rome might have been better off without that province in the long run.

His biggest drawback was his choice of successor as Nero, albeit secured largely through his wife (and Nero’s mother) Agrippina’s manipulation of him – including, as it was widely believed by contemporaries, murdering him by poison.

 

DID DOVAHATTY DO RIGHT?

 

If ever an emperor was destined to be depicted as a wojak, it was Claudius. Also, I now can’t imagine Claudius without thinking of Dovahhatty’s catchphrase for him – “such was life for Uncle Claudius” – as encapsulating how put upon Claudius was (and what a sad sack of a life he had).

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

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EMPIRE BASER

Top Tens – History (Rome): Top 10 Best Roman Emperors (Special Mention)

Dovahhatty – Unbiased History of Rome XII: The Five Good Emperors (depicting Trajan and peak Rome)

 

That’s right – I’m ranking all the Roman emperors (until 476 AD). By definition, my top ten best Roman emperors only ranked those ten, but I rank the balance of Roman emperors in these special mentions. My usual rule is twenty special mentions for a top ten – here I have twenty special mentions for the ‘good’ emperors and twenty for the ‘bad’.

To my surprise, I was able to make out twenty special mentions for the ‘good’ emperors with some more arguable entries, taking me up to those emperors right on my dividing line between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ emperors.

Surprise that is, because there were notoriously more bad than good emperors, although the bad emperors tended to reign for shorter periods so it more than evens up by length of reign (otherwise one might think the empire would have collapsed sooner).

I think one can usually list about twenty ‘good’ emperors without too much contest or controversy but will start to peter out or at least get a little heated after that. However, I stand by my twenty special mentions, including the two emperors right on my dividing line between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ emperors, which would give Rome thirty ‘good’ emperors all up (including my Top 10 Roman Emperors).

Or perhaps thirty-two if you extend my dividing line to the two emperors right on the threshold of being ‘good’ emperors in my special mentions for ‘bad’ emperors. Spoiler – they’re the founders of the two worst Roman imperial dynasties before 476 AD.

To recap those top 10 best Roman emperors ahead of these special mentions:

1 – Augustus

2 – Trajan

3 – Aurelian

4 – Hadrian

5 – Constantine

6 – Marcus Aurelius

7 – Probus

8 – Diocletian

9 – Valentinian

10 – Majorian

 

EMPIRE MAKER / SAVIOR / BASER OR EMPIRE BREAKER / DEBASER / DEBAUCHER

 

In addition to my usual star and tier-rankings, I also have my own particular (and hence subjective) rankings for those (good) emperors that made or saved the empire (or strengthened its base) – or the (bad) emperors that broke, debased or debauched it. Given these are my special mentions for good emperors, I’ll throw in whether they are empire makers, saviors or basers after their star and tier rankings.

 

DID DOVAHHATTY DO RIGHT?

 

Finally, because I have used Youtuber Dovahhatty’s Unbiased History of Rome animated video series as the source of images to depict each emperor, I’ll rank how well Dovahhatty did in his depiction of them.  His Unbiased History of Rome videos are probably my single biggest influence for Roman history – and certainly on Youtube.

While he does not actually rank the emperors as a whole, he does rank them individually by meme cartoon figures as being (good) chads or (bad) virgins, with the occasional (good or bad) wojaks. Of course, his tongue is firmly in his parody cheek, such as when he depicts some of the worst Roman emperors as the chads they proclaimed themselves to be.

Top Tens – Film: Top 10 Horror Films (Special Mention) (20) Erotic Horror

Nothing kinky going on here, no sir – 2004 Romanian stamp (and therefore public domain image) featuing Dracula (used as feature image for Wikipedia “Erotic Horror”)

 

(20) EROTIC HORROR

 

Wait – what?

As usual, I tend to throw in a kinky entry among my wilder special mentions – usually as the final or twentieth special mention, where the subject permits, and you might be surprised what kink I can squeeze out of a given subject.

And for the subject of horror films, that kinky entry pretty much writes itself.

Firstly, horror tends to be relegated to a cinematic ghetto not unlike adult film – and often uncannily resembles the latter in production values and with similar restricted ratings (for the more softcore adult films at least). As noted by TV Tropes, “you’d be hard-pressed to find professional film critics who don’t view horror as a land where grisly violence and exploitation stand in for plot and characters…none other than famed horror director John Carpenter once remarked that horror is viewed by the mainstream as being just a notch above p0rnography”.

Secondly, adult films borrow from horror films in visual imagery or what passes for plot surprisingly often, except of course for titillation rather than terror – at least going by the spoof titles for adult films parodying those of horror films. I take it the script is probably the least valued part of the production of adult films so if you can just copy and paste it from another film, all the better.

Thirdly, there’s a reason underlying both of the above two reasons – and it’s that there’s always been an underlying eroticism or erotic themes in horror, albeit in varying degrees across the genre, such that you might even call it part of horror’s DNA.

Just think Dracula and vampire horror, but that’s just for starters. You could argue that many horror films involve both variations of the male gaze – that of the audience and that of the antagonist, with the latter as more predatory. Many or perhaps even most of my top ten entries or special mention have some erotic subcurrent – or could readily be tweaked entirely to the basic plot premise (or “parody”) in adult film.

Indeed, erotic horror or erotic themes in horror are so distinctive that the former has its own Wikipedia entry (also featuring the latter) and lists of films. Although be warned – it gets a little weird, anime tentacles for example.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

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Top Tens – Film: Top 10 Horror Films (Special Mention) (19) M3gan

Theatrical release poster – to be honest, that doll freaks me out even before she turns evil

 

(19) M3GAN (2022)

 

It’s the Terminator as a doll – what more do you need to know?

Well, in fairness, it’s both versions of Arnold’s T-800 in the first two films. You know, the bad Terminator in the first film and the good Terminator in the second film. If that sounds weird, it’s because she flips from the latter to the former – and worse, that’s from her programming as the latter driven to insane troll logic extremes.

And yes – I’m giving it special mention because of that dance, which became a meme from its brief appearance in the trailer onwards. It makes no sense and comes out of nowhere, except of course the titular doll getting its groove on as part of its murderous self-awareness.

We’re not talking high art here – but we rarely are when it comes to horror films. It’s cheesy and by the numbers but it’s a hoot.

And after all, it’s becoming a franchise – with a sequel due in 2025 and a spinoff in 2026. I also can’t resist citing the 2024 Subservience as something of a spiritual sequel purely based on the same robot gone wrong theme and the play on the name with Megan Fox as the robot in that film. She can be my hot robot nanny any day. That’s right – you heard me. I stand by that statement.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

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Top Tens – Film: Top 10 Horror Films (Special Mention) (18) The Cabin in the Woods

Theatrical release poster art

 

(18) THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2012)

 

“On another level, it’s a serious critique of what we love and what we don’t about horror movies.”

I’m ranking The Cabin in the Woods in top tier, because it is virtually an encyclopedia of horror film genre tropes and references, the latter so congested at times you have to pause or watch frame by frame to get them all (and probably not even then).

It is a horror film that is also meta-horror – a love letter to the genre, or more precisely a love-hate letter to the genre.

“I love being scared. I love that mixture of thrill, of horror, that objectification / identification thing of wanting definitely for the people to be alright but at the same time hoping they’ll go somewhere dark and face something awful. The things that I don’t like are kids acting like idiots, the devolution of the horror movie into torture p0rn and into a long series of sadistic comeuppances.”

That is of course from Joss Whedon as producer and co-writer of the screenplay, the latter with director Drew Goddard as the other co-writer” – and the film is definitely Whedonesque in its troperiffic and reference-heavy quality (rather than the more, ah, negative qualities that might be associated with that term from developments since that film). Indeed, it has distinct similarities with the creation that still is definitive of Whedon – Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 4 and the Initiative in particular.

“Five friends go to an isolated cabin in the woods for a weekend vacation.”

And that’s pretty much all you’re getting of the plot here, because any more detail spoils the premise of the film. Let’s just say the premise of the film explains why the plots of horror films often seem so contrived in a deconstruction of both the “cabin in the woods” setting and the horror genre.

Film critic Ann Hornaday summed it up nicely:

“A fiendishly clever brand of meta-level genius propels The Cabin in the Woods, a pulpy, deceivingly insightful send-up of horror movies that elicits just as many knowing chuckles as horrified gasps. [It] comes not only to praise the slasher-, zombie- and gore-fests of yore but to critique them, elaborating on their grammatical elements and archetypal figures even while searching for ways to put them to novel use. The danger in such a loftily ironic approach is that everything in the film appears with ready-made quotation marks around it… But by then, the audience will have picked up on the infectiously goofy vibe of an enterprise that, from its first sprightly moments, clearly has no intention of taking itself too seriously”.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

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Top Tens – Film: Top 10 Horror Films (Special Mention) (17) Drag Me to Hell

Theatrical release poster

 

 

(17) DRAG ME TO HELL (2009)

 

Ah, Sam Raimi – it’s good to have you back home in horror, even if it’s just a brief stay.

The moral of the fable – if you’re a bank loans officer, don’t refuse loans to old gypsy women that can sling supernatural curses your way. Okay, technically not refusing a loan but refusing to extend a mortgage.

And in this case, the supernatural curse involves literally cursing you to hell – and not back. Go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200. The film obviously involves the female protagonist Christine’s desperate attempts to shrug off the curse.

It raises the ante on the Occupy movement – not quite by occupying hell but sending the bankers there. I think we can all get on board with cursing banks to hell but come on – shouldn’t the old gypsy woman be aiming a little higher? I mean, she should be doing a Karen and cursing Christine’s boss, who was the real problem here. Or hell – go for the CEO!

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

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Top Tens – Film: Top 10 Horror Films (Special Mention) (16) Snakes on a Plane

 

 

(16) SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006)

 

“Enough is enough! I’ve had it with these motherfking snakes on this motherfking plane”.

Scriptwriting genius!

An action horror film “that, more than most movies you’ll find, does pretty much exactly what it says on the tin” and “that turned out exactly as ludicrous on the premise and title sound, and it revelled in its so bad it’s goodness”.

What more do you need to know? It’s snakes on a plane!

Oh sure, there’s a convoluted plot to get to the premise of snakes on a plane. Well, not that convoluted in terms of writing – more in the ludicrousness of it as the weapon of choice by an international gangster to assassinate a witness testifying against him. I mean, surely the classic trope of planting a bomb on the plane would have been easier and more effective? Particularly as he had to import all the snakes to put on the plane as it departed Hawaii, one of three islands in the world famously without snakes.

Oh – and that witness? He’d just accidentally blundered on to the scene at just the right time to see the gangster murder a prosecutor. How do we know it was a prosecutor? Because the gangster mocks the man as “Mr Prosecutor” in my favorite line in the movie apart from its most famous line – or indeed in any movie. Again – scriptwriting genius!

Apparently, when the studio wanted to give the film a serious title, Pacific Air Flight 121 – boooring! – and turn it into an action horror film, Samuel L. Jackson “suggested they change it back when the absurd title gained popularity online and became a huge online meme”. And of course so Jackson could say that iconic line as only Jackson could.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

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Top Tens – Films: Top 10 Horror Films (Special Mention) (15) The Descent

 

 

(15) THE DESCENT (2005)

 

Just when you thought it was safe to go spelunking…

One of the best horror films of the 2000s – honestly I’d consider it for special mention on the skull of women motif art design alone.

“The Descent is a 2005 British horror film written and directed by Neil Marshall, director of Dog Soldiers and Doomsday. The film follows a group of six women who embark on a caving expedition and become trapped underground after a cave-in.”

If that wasn’t recipe enough for claustrophobic horror, add a pinch of injury and a generous serve of Crawlers – “predatory, pale humanoid creatures” that make the Morlocks seems positively refined by comparison. And like nothing better than to chow down on anyone stupid and hapless enough to enter their lair.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

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Top Tens – Film: Top 10 Horror Films (Special Mention) (14) The Entity

 

(14) THE ENTITY (1982)

 

A supernatural horror film which makes what is often subtext in other horror films into its text (or super-text?) – sexual violence against women.

Alternatively, it’s the most infamously hilarious line in comics, from Jim Balent’s Tarot Witch of the Black Rose – “You have to get out of here! Your v*gina is haunted” – but as horror.

To be fair, there was a subliminal horror in that line which is made, ah liminal (or is that superliminal – heh, love using the same joke twice) in The Entity. If you didn’t pick it up, it’s in the first part of that line – “You have to get out of here!”. And go where?

There’s the horror – it’s not like a haunted house she can just leave. That is essentially the horror of the film, where the titular invisible and malevolent poltergeist-like being doesn’t limit itself to being a noisy spirit smashing up things in the house but instead repeatedly assaults a single mother in Los Angeles.

One might think that’s horror enough in real life – indeed in some ways the film works better as a metaphor for that real life horror, particularly when it comes to a complainant having her complaint heard and believed. However, it’s a film that sticks with you, mainly from its shocking subject (which even has a term, at least in its broader meaning, of spectrophilia) and the compelling performance by Barbara Hershey as the entity’s target Carla Moran.

Apparently it was adapted for the screen by Frank De Felitta from his 1978 novel of the same name – and to make it more creepy, based on or inspired by the 1974 case of Dora Blither, who claimed such attacks on herself in real life.

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

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