Author Archives: Alex Stark

Top Tens – Girls of History: Top 10

Posted on by

The scene from the 1989 film Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, which I quote for the reference to historical babes

 

 

GIRLS OF HISTORY: TOP 10

 

“Bill: We gotta go, this is a history report, not a babe report!

Ted: But Bill, those are historical babes!”

 

That’s right – once again, I can find Fantasy Girls in anything.

Similarly to my Girls of Mythology, this is something of a personal novelty list, as my Girls of History don’t tend to have the same art or cosplay as my usual Fantasy Girls in popular culture – the holy trinity of comics, video games and anime of course, but also animation or fantasy and SF.

Although you may be surprised at the name recognition of the more distinctive girls of history and perhaps even more surprisingly, at the extent to which they do feature in popular culture, notably comics, film or television.

Also, comics artist Simon Bisley has done an awesome art collection of women from history, which features quite a few of my top ten entries. You can find it on his official website but I don’t feature any of it here, with one exception tightly cropped for fair use under copyright and because the full image is too racy, the same reasons that I don’t feature anything else from the collection.

While on the subject of art, there’s also a surprisingly prolific subculture of historical comics art on X or Twitter, usually featuring historical babes, by artists such as Gambargin, Centuriichan (a name shared with her signature female Roman legionary character), and Anonhistory (who likes to tease Centuriichan with a Pictish witch character, naked but for blue woad tattoos).

 

Ted: Oh, you beautiful babes from England, for whom we have traveled through time… will you go to the prom with us in San Dimas? We will have a most triumphant time! [princesses giggle]

Bill: Way to go, dude!

 

Sadly, Princesses Elizabeth and Joanna from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure won’t be featuring in my Top 10 Girls of History – but here’s who does!

 

B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

 

Scene from the 2006 film Marie Antoinette, starring Kirsten Dunst as the titular French queen  (fair use)

 

 

(10) MARIE ANTOINETTE (1755-1793)

 

Let them eat cake?

And yes, I know that statement being attributed to Marie Antoinette as demonstrating her ignorance of the plight of her subjects – as her answer to their protest that they had no bread to eat – is apocryphal at best and fictional propaganda at worst.

History’s most famous aristocratic party girl, albeit that fame may owe more to how the party ended for her.

Born an Austrian princess – okay, archduchess but basically the same thing – she became Queen of France through her marriage to Louis XVI as well as the target of those opposed to the monarchy, culminating with her being beheaded by guillotine along with her husband as part of the Reign of Terror during the French Revolution.

“Long after her death, Marie Antoinette remains a major historical figure linked with conservatism, the Catholic Church, wealth and fashion. She has been the subject of many books, films, and other media. Politically engaged authors have deemed her the quintessential representative of class conflict, western aristocracy and absolutism. Some of her contemporaries, such as Jefferson, attributed to her as a cause of the French Revolution.”

 

RATING:

B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

 

Lucrezia Borgia as portrayed by Holliday Grainger in The Borgias TV series 2011-2013 from her profile in the fan wiki (fair use)

 

 

(9) LUCREZIA BORGIA (1480-1519)

 

Basically a Renaissance mafia princess.

I just have a soft spot for the ‘bad girls’ of history, albeit that adjective is a matter of historical perspective. You can make arguments for my preceding entry as a bad girl – or indeed pretty much all my entries as bad girls – but we’re much more in bad girl territory with Lucrezia Borgia, if only through her family.

After all, she was the illegitimate daughter of Rodrigo Borgia in his reign as Pope Alexander VI, and it doesn’t get much more bad than popes having kids – except perhaps her brother Cesare, the model for Machiavelli’s Prince, who was arguably even worse than their father. . .

Her family arranged several marriages for her among the Italian aristocracy that advanced their own political position, lending itself to “notorious tales about her family”  that “cast Lucrezia as a femme fatale, a controversial role in which she has been portrayed in many artworks, novels, and films”. That role extended to the role of black widow for one of her husbands (even if through her brother Cesare) and poisoning or murder in general, such as the rumor that she had a hollow ring that she used to poison drinks.

“Lucrezia was described as having heavy blonde hair that fell past her knees, a beautiful complexion, hazel eyes that changed colour, a full, high bosom, and a natural grace that made her appear to “walk on air”.

 

RATING:

B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

 

Tomoe Gozen as portrayed by Sayaka Akimoto in the Japanese 2022 TV drama The 13 Lords of the Shogun

 

 

(8) TOMOE GOZEN (1157-1247)

 

I had to get a ninja girl (or kunoichi) in there somewhere – even if the closest I could get was a female samurai (or onna-musha) and a possibly legendary one at that.

Tomoe Gozen is perhaps the best known female samurai by name, mentioned in The Tale of the Heike but not otherwise in any primary accounts of the Genpei War, a civil war between rival clans in Japan. She was famed as a swordswoman and archer, serving under the samurai lord Minamoto no Yoshinaka.

 

RATING:

B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

Promotional poster for the Zenobia: Queen of the East film in production (fair use)

 

 

(7) ZENOBIA (240-274)

 

The first of three rebels against Rome in my Top 10 Girls of History, Septimia Zenobia ruled what has become known to posterity as the Palmyrene Empire – Roman client state gone rogue and conquering most of the Roman East, culminating with the conquest of Egypt as the jewel in its crown and threat to Rome’s grain supply as the breadbasket of the Roman Empire.

First wife and then widow of Odaenathus, the king who had elevated the city of Palymra to its supreme power in the Roman East, she effectively became the de facto ruler as regent of her son. She “remained nominally subordinate to Rome” but Palmyrene predominance in the eastern part of the empire was too much of a threat for Rome to tolerate and so Emperor Aurelian led a campaign against her to restore her realm to the empire. That forced her reaction to declare her son emperor with herself as empress, as well as Palmyra’s independence from Rome. That did not turn out well for either Palmyra or her.

It is disappointing that she does not the same iconic status and mystique as Cleopatra, as Zenobia achieved what Cleopatra only dreamed – a genuine rival state to Roman power in the eastern empire with real prospects of success – and was at least as hot, by the account of Edward Gibbon  – at least by the account of Edward Gibbon, that she was considered “most lovely,” and “equalled in beauty her [claimed] ancestor Cleopatra”.

“Zenobia has inspired scholars, academics, musicians and actors; her fame has lingered in the West, and is supreme in the Middle East…a heroic queen with a tragic end…Harold Mattingly called Zenobia one of the most romantic figures in history.”

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

Art by comics artist Simon Bisley from his Famous Women from History collection of Boadicea cropped to her face with frenzied battle expression for copyright fair use as well as the rest of the image being a litte too racy (although not as racy as it would be if she was fighting “sky clad” as is recorded of the Britons against the Romans)

 

 

(6) BOADICEA (? – 61)

 

You know her name, or maybe you don’t since it is one of many variants – Boudica or Boudicca in the Celtic language of Byrthonic connoting victory (so that she might also have been called Victory or Victoria) and Boadicea or Boudicea in Latin chronicles. There’s also a variant in Welsh as Buddug, which just sounds odd.

Anyway, she’s the second of my three rebels against Rome in my Top 10 Girls of History.

Queen of the ancient British Iceni tribe, essentially a client kingdom of Rome, “she led a failed uprising against the conquering forces of the Roman Empire in AD 60 or 61” and hence has become a British national heroine despite her defeat.

Her husband Prasutagus left his kingdom jointly to their two daughters and to the Roman emperor in his will, something which was always going to go badly as the Roman Empire in such dealings often resembled Darth Vader – “I have altered the deal. Pray that I don’t alter it further”.  In the case of the Iceni, Rome was particularly egregious – ignoring the will, annexing the kingdom, and according to Tacitus, flogging Boadicea and sxually abusing her daughters.

Boadicea led the Iceni and other British tribes in revolt, initially successful to the point that emperor Nero considered withdrawing from Britain, but ultimately defeated by the Roman legions under governor Paulinus in an admittedly impressive feat of arms despite being heavily outnumbered.

She evolved into a national icon from the English Renaissance to the Victorian period, not coincidentally with Britain’s female monarchs in those periods, Elizabeth and Victoria.

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

Anne Bonney as depicted in starring role in the first issue of the Image Comics series A Man Among Ye by writer Stephanie Phillips and artist Craig Cermak released 17 June 2020. She was featured in some smoking art in that comics series – and in her depictions in comics in general (fair use)

 

(5) ANNE BONNY (? – 1733)

 

I mean, you knew I had to have a pirate girl in my top ten and Irish pirate girl Anne Bonny eclipses the other female pirates, including her fellow pirate Mary Read

Enter some sort of pun on crossbones here – actually now that I think of it, most pirate lingo seems to double up as entendres…

Although, she was only a pirate for 61 days. 61 days?! She basically just had a couple of months Caribbean cruise as a pirate!

She joined the crew of John Rackham, alongside fellow female pirate Mary Read, for her brief, piratical career before being captured. My respect for her increases as she had her execution stayed – as did Read – on the basis of claiming to be pregnant. That worked out better for Bonny – Read died in imprisonment but Bonny was likely let go at some point, as she died a dozen years later or so.

“Amongst the few recorded female pirates in the Golden Age of Piracy, she has become one of the most recognized pirates of the era, as well as the history of piracy in general…Despite a career of only 61 days, Anne Bonny is among the most famous pirates in recorded history, primarily due to her gender. Within a decade, Bonny-inspired characters were already appearing in contemporary culture…An 1888 cigarette card depicted Bonny as a redhead, a trait that continues to this day despite no evidence supporting it. Swashbuckling cinema often included a dashing redhaired woman or female pirate companion, occasionally directly naming Bonny…By the 21st century, Bonny has appeared in hundreds of books, movies, songs, stage shows, TV programs, and video games. Almost every female pirate character, is in some form, inspired by Anne Bonny.”

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

Elizabeth Bathory as depicted in one of her appearance in comics – on the cover of a Dynamite series The Blood Queen Part 1: Reign in Blood released June 2014, art by Jay Anacleto and Ivan Nunes (fair use)

 

 

(4) ELIZABETH BATHORY (1560-1614)

 

And now we get to my biggest bad girl of history – I mean, you also knew I was going to get a vampire girl in there somewhere, even in my girls of history.

Of course, she wasn’t an actual vampire but essentially became one, literally bathing in blood as an icon of folklore, fantasy and horror – arguably second only to Dracula himself as iconic vampire, hence epithets as Countess Dracula or Blood Countess. Ironically, she was from Hungarian, neighbor to Dracula’s Transylvania and contesting that territory with Romania.

“Countess Elizabeth Báthory was a Hungarian noblewoman and alleged serial killer from the powerful House of Bathory, who owned land in the Kingdom of Hungary (now Slovakia). Báthory and four of her servants were accused of torturing and killing hundreds of girls and women from 1590 to 1610. Bathory and her cohorts were charged for 80 counts of murder and were convicted. Her servants were put on trial and executed, whereas Báthory was imprisoned…until she died in her sleep in 1614.”

My favorite folklore of her is that her spree started from her observation that her skin seemed fresher or younger from a servant’s girl blood after an accidental injury and she started bathing in the blood of virgins to retain her youth, hence her iconography as vampire or vampiric in nature (contrary to contemporary historical records and only evolving as a legend a century after her death).

I can’t feature Elizabeth Bathory without reference to my favorite fantasy art of her – the posthumous fantasy depiction by artist Olivier Ledroit in Requiem Vampire Knight by Pat Mills. (Posthumous that is, in that it is set in the afterlife – but not any afterlife you’d like to find yourself in, unless you were someone like Elizabeth Bathory).

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

 

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

 

 

Photo of Marilyn Monroe while filming The Seven Year Itch on the streets of New York. She apparently stopped at some point during the shooting of the famous “skirt scene” and posed for the reporters and photographers who were covering the film shoot. Photograph taken by Sam Shaw and published by Corpus Christi Caller-Times-photo from Associated Press (public domain)

 

 

(3) MARILYN MONROE (1926-1962)

 

Few modern celebrities have transcended their celebrity to become as historically iconic and none quite like her. Her image and name are instantly recognizable, indeed enduring as a valuable advertising brand, licensed to hundreds of companies.

Born Norma Jeane Mortenson, she became the Hollywood blonde bombshell – as well as emblematic of Hollywood itself, Playboy (as the literal face of the first edition of the magazine on its cover and in its centerfold), and “the era’s sxual revolution”, perhaps also the American Dream (or at least the American dream girl).

“According to The Guide to United States Popular Culture, as an icon of American popular culture, Monroe’s few rivals in popularity include Elvis Presley and Mickey Mouse… no other star has ever inspired such a wide range of emotions—from lust to pity, from envy to remorse…Art historian Gail Levin stated that Monroe may have been “the most photographed person of the 20th century”.

 

RATING:

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

 

 

Joan of Arc depicted on the cover art of The Mission of Joan of Arc collected edition by Philip Kosloski, Alexandre Nascimento and Jesse Hansen published by Voyage Comics, a Catholic comics publishing company (fair use)

 

 

(2) JOAN OF ARC (1412-1431)

 

The Maid of Orleans – teenaged military leader and patron saint of France, surprisingly prolific in cultural depictions showcasing her enduring popularity.

“Joan of Arc…is a patron saint of France, honored as a defender of the French nation for her role in the siege of Orleans and her insistence on the coronation of Charles VII of France during the Hundred Year’s War. Stating that she acted under divine guidance, she became a military leader who gained recognition as a savior of France.”

Much of her religious originated from her claims of visions from angels or saints, but she walked the walk as much as she talked her talk, leading the French to victories “paving the way for their final triumph in the Hundred Years War several decades later’.

However, her divine fortune ran out with two unsuccessful sieges as well as being captured and handed over to her English opponents, Famously, they tried her for heresy and executed her by burning at the stake – which only served to increase her French religious mystique as martyr.

“After the French Revolution, she became a national symbol of France. In 1920, Joan of Arc was canonized by Pope Benedict XV and, two years later, was declared one of the patron saints of France. She is portrayed in numerous cultural works, including literature, music, paintings, sculptures, and theater…Joan is one of the most studied people of the Middle Ages, partly because her two trials provided a wealth of documents.Her image, changing over time, has included being the savior of France, an obedient member of the Catholic Church, an early feminist, and a symbol of freedom and independence.”

She’s also a magnet for alternative historical interpretations or revisionist theories – “theories she was an illegitimate royal child; that she was not burned at the stake; that most of her story is a fabrication; and that she escaped death at the stake”. My favorite of these was Margaret Murray conscripting Joan to Murray’s pagan witch cult thesis – in which Joan “was correctly identified as a witch”, but witchcraft was “a survival of the pagan old religion of pre-Christian Europe”.

 

RATING:

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

 

Cover of Cleopatra: The Last Great Queen of Egypt, history book for children by Samuel John published in 2025 (fair use)

 

 

(1) CLEOPATRA (70/69 BC – 30 BC)

 

Was there any doubt about the top spot? Although technically it’s Cleopatra VII – or Cleopatra VII Thea Philopator.

“Queen of the Ptolemaic Kingdom of Egypt from 51 to 30 BC, and the last active Hellenistic pharaoh. A member of the Ptolemaic dynasty, she was a descendant of its founder Ptolemy I Soter, a Macedonian Greek general and companion of Alexander the Great. Her first language was Koine Greek, and she is the only Ptolemaic ruler known to have learned the Egyptian language, among several others.After her death, Egypt became a province of the Roman Empire, marking the end of the Hellenistic period in the Mediterranean.”

Also famously the lover of Caesar, whom she aligned herself with to gain the upper hand in the civil war with her co-ruler and brother Ptolemy XIII. Even more famously, she was the lover of Caesar’s ally Mark Anthony in the Roman civil war with Caesar’s heir Octavian – to advance her Ptolemaic interests within Mark Anthony’s control of the eastern part of the empire as against Octavian’s control of the western half. Her alliance with Mark Anthony didn’t turn out well for either of them, with both taking their own lives in the face of their defeat by Octavian’s forces.

“Cleopatra’s legacy survives in ancient and modern works of art, Roman historiography and Latin poetry produced a generally critical view of the queen that pervaded later Medieval and Renaissance literature. In the visual arts, her ancient depictions include Roman busts, painting, sculptures, cameo carvings and glass, Ptolemaic and Roman coinage, and reliefs. In Renaissance and Barosque art, she was the subject of many works including operas, paintings, poetry, sculptures, and theatrical dramas. She has become a pop culture icon of Egyptomania since the Victorian era, and in modern times has appeared in the applied and fine arts, burlesque satire, Hollywood films, and brand images for commercial products.”

And yes – I know the historical Cleopatra wasn’t the bombshell as portrayed by Elizabeth Taylor in the 1963 film

Speaking of Elizabeth Taylor’s Cleopatra, I’ve always liked the cover of Asterix and Cleopatra, which was adapted from that film’s poster and joked about the epic cost of the film’s production – a cost which saw the film flop.

And speaking of Asterix and Cleopatra, Monica Belucci played Cleopatra in the 2002 live-action Asterix film, Mission Cleopatra.

 

RATING:

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

 

 

 

 

GIRLS OF HISTORY: TOP 10 (TIER LIST)

 

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

 

(1) CLEOPATRA

(2) JOAN OF ARC

(3) MARILYN MONROE

 

If Cleopatra and Joan of Arc are my Old Testament of girls of history, Marilyn Monroe is my New Testament.

 

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

(4) ELIZABETH BATHORY

(5) ANNE BONNY

(6) BOADICEA

(7) ZENOBIA

 

B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

 

(8) TOMOE GOZEN

(9) LUCREZIA BORGIA

(10) MARIE ANTOINETTE

 

 

Friday Night Funk – Top 10 Music (Mojo & Funk): Special Mention (Funk) (5) Devo – Whip It

Posted on by

Devo in their signature Red Energy Dome hats

 

 

(5) FUNK: DEVO – WHIP IT (1980)

B-Side: Beautiful World (1981)

 

“When a problem comes along

You must whip it!

Before the cream sits out too long

You must whip it!

When something’s going wrong

You must whip it!”

 

I say whip it!

Devo is an American new wave music band, best known for their red Energy Dome hats and this 1980 single from their album Freedom of Choice, their signature song and only mainstream hit. As such, they are labelled a one-hit wonder – for shame! – but their achievements and catalogue extend well beyond that, albeit more as cult following. For that matter, band front-man Mark Mothersbaugh has had a prolific career as a composer, notably in film – including the Academy Award-winning “Everything is Awesome” from The Lego Movie.

Devo wasn’t just a band – it was a philosophy! Devo stood for de-evolution – “the band’s part-satirical, part-serious take” on the world, with “their music and stage shows mingling kitsch science fiction themes, deadpan surrealist humor and mordantly satirical social commentary”.

But I said “Whip It” – and whip it good! The intention of the absurdist lyrics isn’t quite as kinky as they sound or listeners have assumed. Among other things, they are a play on “can-do” positive thinking self-help (notably Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking). Of course, that didn’t stop Devo playing up the song’s perceived kink in the accompanying (and pioneering) music video, with Mothersbaugh whipping the clothes off a woman on a dude ranch.

“If there was a Hall of Fame for early ’80s New Wave music, Devo’s ‘Whip It’ would be a shoo-in for induction. Undoubtedly the band’s most recognizable song, ‘Whip It’ elevated Devo from an underground art-rock outfit to a (briefly) mainstream pop act, albeit one that still retained its pointed and satirical view of society. And, of course, who can forget the song’s surrealist and now-iconic video that was a staple of MTV during the then-fledgling channel’s early years? The fact that The Simpsons even paid homage to both the song and the video in an episode demonstrates how much ‘Whip It’ has transcended pop culture.”

Whip it good!

As for my B-side, I have a soft spot for their 1981 single “Beautiful World”

And for those hardcore cult Devo fans, here’s some other Devo songs other than their signature hit – and the balance of this hardcore Devo fan’s Top 10 Devo songs:

 

(3) Freedom of Choice (1980) (from their album of the same name, also featuring Whip It and Girl U Want)

(4) Girl U Want (1980)

(5) Working in the Coal Mine (1981)

(6) Peek A Boo (1982)

(7) Big Mess (1982)

(8) Here to Go (1984)

(9) (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” (1977)

(10) Are You Experienced (1984)

 

Whip it good!

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

B-TIER (HIGH-TIER)

Top Tens – Film: Top 10 Films (Revamped) (7) Zulu

Posted on by

 

Scene from the Zulu film, with Michael Caine front and center – so much so that I tend to think of his historical character, Lieutenant Bromhead, simply as Michael Caine

 

(7) ZULU (1964)

 

The Battle of Rorke’s Drift.

That’s it – that’s the entry. Well that and the 1964 film Zulu which depicted it.

If you’re a fan of the Battle of Helm’s Deep in The Lord of The Rings film (The Two Towers), then you’re a fan of the Battle of Rorke’s Drift as depicted in this film, as the former was filmed in a manner deliberately reminiscent of the film Zulu according to Jackson.

If anything, Rorke’s Drift in Zulu was even more epic than Helm’s Deep – as a small company of less than 150 soldiers attached to the Royal Engineers (including a substantial number of sick and wounded) fought off a force of about 3-4,000 Zulus.

The battle was a small albeit highly celebrated part of the Anglo-Zulu War, with the British soldiers finding themselves in the path of a Zulu force in the aftermath of the opening Zulu victory at Isandlwana.

When it comes to Rorke’s Drift, I tend to default to its depiction in the film Zulu, as it is deeply embedded in my psyche. While generally accurate to the historical battle, it does of course have inaccuracies (with perhaps the most egregious involving the depiction of Private Hook, a model soldier, as a rogue redeemed in the battle). The film may also be seen as somewhat problematic in these times given its celebration of British imperial victory – I don’t care.

Indeed the film tends to glamorize both sides in the battle – with the Zulus depicted as a brave, intelligent, capable, resourceful and ultimately honorable adversary. And if anyone can resist the stirring orchestral theme by John Barry, I don’t know what to say.

The British soldiers were led by Lieutenant Chard, portrayed by Stanley Baker, and his second in command Lieutenant Bromhead, portrayed by a young Michael Caine in his breakthrough film role. Deciding that retreat isn’t an option as they will move too slowly with their sick or wounded and the Zulus will catch them out in the open, they have no option but to stand and fight behind improvised barricade defenses.

Throughout the day and night (into the following day) after the Zulu force surrounds them, wave after wave of Zulu attackers are narrowly repelled by the desperate British defenders. At one point, the Zulus succeed in setting fire to the field hospital, leading to tense scenes of the evacuation of patients under fierce attack by Zulu warriors – and British Surgeon-Major James Henry Reynolds calmly continues his surgery on a wounded soldier with fighting all around him. And yes – he got a Victoria Cross.

The British defenders retreat to the shortened lines of their inner barricades. One tactic you see through the film is the use of multiple ranks of soldiers to maintain a nearly continuous volley of fire with their bolt-action rifles. None more so than the climactic scene with three such ranks used (after falling back from desperate hand-to-hand combat at an outer barricade) to defend a massive assault by Zulu warriors. And as the camera pans back, you see the fallen Zulu warriors mere inches away from the front rank of breathless British soldiers – an impressive feat of holding the line.

That’s when you start to think from the preceding sense of overwhelming doom that hangs over the British soldiers – holy crap, they’re actually going to make it! And then – no, holy crap, they’re not…as the Zulu force masses on the hill overlooking Rorke’s Drift, seemingly barely diminished, while the British are exhausted and running low on ammunition. Lieutenant van den Burgh, their Afrikaaner advisor serving with the Natal Native Contingent, sinks to his knees and rebukes the British officers (and arguably their imperialism as well) – “Haven’t you had enough? We’re all dead!”

And then, holy crap again – as the Zulus chant, raising their spears. “They’re taunting us!” Michael Caine’s character exclaims. Van den Burgh laughs – “You couldn’t be more wrong – they’re saluting us as fellow braves!”. And then the Zulus slowly turn and walk away, still chanting, until a lone warrior is left, before he too turns and leaves.

Sadly, the historical battle ended in a more prosaic way, without the Zulus saluting the British but more withdrawing from strategic sense and an advancing British relief column. I prefer to think it ended the way it did in the film.

11 Victoria Crosses were awarded to the defenders of Rorke’s Drift, as the film itself narrates with a full roll call just before the end credits – including the surgeon as mentioned but also Hook and the two commanding lieutenants Chard and Bromhead.

 

FANTASY & COMEDY

 

I’ll deal with both at once, since the film has little fantasy or comedy as pure his

 

RATING:
A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – Fantasy & SF: Top 10 SF Books (Special Mention) (3) Paranoia

Posted on by

Rulebook cover art

 

 

(3) PARANOIA (1984 – PRESENT)

 

Commie mutant traitor!

“The Computer is your friend. The Computer wants you to be happy. Happiness is mandatory. Failure to be happy is treason. Treason is punishable by summary execution. Are you happy, citizen? Have a nice daycycle”

Welcome to Alpha Complex in the SF role-playing game of Paranoia – “a world designed by Kafka, Stalin, Orwell, Huxley, Sartre, the Marx Brothers and that crazy old man at the airport bar at 2 am”. A dystopian fusion to the point where everything would be monstrously overwhelming but for its own dysfunctionality and the game’s absurdist dark humor.

It’s also a post-apocalyptic dystopia – although what apocalypse (if any?) forced the last survivors (or are they?) of humanity into the last underground or domed city (or is it?) run by the supercomputer known simply as the Computer or Friend Computer is now mysterious, as no one is sure what happened any more, if anyone ever did. Not even the Computer, when it tried to figure out what went wrong – “unfortunately, the Computer’s databases had been corrupted, and after finding some old Cold War propaganda, it concluded that the Communists did it”.

And now, the Computer is the equivalent of a barely functional paranoid schizophrenic – that probably would have wiped out Alpha Complex but for its inefficiency, its ability to simultaneously pursue wildly inconsistent goals at odds with each other, and its genuine but abstract benevolence towards Alpha Complex (or whatever remains of either that benevolence or Alpha Complex).

It may be teetering on complete breakdown (or outright psychosis) after decades of subversion or reprogramming by conflicting groups, but the Computer still rules Alpha Complex – “its dystopian society organized in a hierarchy of “security clearances based on the electromagnetic spectrum (specifically Isaac Newton’s version), from lowly Infrared worker drones, through Red grunts and Yellow managers, all the way up the rainbow to the Violet and Ultraviolet elite”, the High Programmers.

This society is supported by “swarms of robots” – which if anything, tend to be crazier and more dangerous to humans than the Computer – as well as “spies, omnipresent surveillance, and a bureaucracy so huge and convoluted no one’s quite sure who’s in charge of what any more”.

“Problems in Alpha Complex are solved by teams of Troubleshooters, whose job is to find trouble and shoot it”. (Stay alert. Trust nobody! Keep your laser handy!).

Those problems including traitors – where virtually everything is treason, and even the knowledge of what is or isn’t treason is usually above your security clearance – as well as Communists or other secret societies, and mutants. Or a combination of all of these – the trifecta of “commie mutant traitor”, which is what players yell as they shoot each other in the back. Indeed, I’m known to be fond of using that phrase in real life.

Of course, “thanks to years of clone breeding” (everyone is a clone in Alpha Complex), “overexposure to radiation, and other snafus”, everyone is a mutant. Everyone is also a member of one or more secret societies, mostly plotting to overthrow the order of Alpha Complex. Ironically, the secret societies were started by the Computer, as an outlet to the natural human impulse to conspire together, but as usual in Alpha Complex, got out of control.

(You seem a little too informed of matters above your security clearance, citizen – please report for termination! Have a nice daycycle!)

The players “are (usually) Red-level Troubleshooters working for Friend Computer, grudgingly assigned useless, backfiring equipment and weapons, and dispatched on (often impossible) Suicide Missions, all while navigating the endless deathtrap which is Alpha Complex, keeping their mutant powers a secret, advancing the cause of their secret society, and trying to earn promotion to higher color grades”. Not to mention in-fighting among players – if you’re not shooting each other in the back, it’s because you’re shooting each other in the face.

You’ll go through a few clones, if not all of them, by the end, if you make it to the end – which is the truly dangerous part, the mission de-briefing, when you accuse each of treason. If you’re lucky, your fabricated accusations of treason might just overlap with their genuine treason.

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****
S-TIER (GOD-TIER)

Top Tens – Film: Top 10 Films (Revamped) (9) The Raid

Posted on by

 

From the films’ theatrical release poster

 

 

(9) GARETH EVANS –

THE RAID (2011-2014)

 

100 minutes of awesomeness in a frenetic, claustrophobic martial arts action masterpiece – the martial arts being the Indonesian pencak silat that is showcased by the film’s fight choreography and the claustrophobic being the film’s premise.

That premise being an Indonesian police squad deployed to raid a drug lord’s apartment block in the sums of Jakarta – actually a fortress-like safe house for the city’s worst criminals – only to find themselves forced to fight their way through the complex to carry out their mission or just to survive long enough to escape.

“Good morning, everyone. You may have noticed we have some guests trawling the halls today. Now, I certainly did not invite them and they most certainly are not welcome. So, in the interests of public health, should you rid this building of its recent infestation, well, then, you can consider yourself a permanent resident of this building. Free of charge. You’ll find these f*cking cockroaches on the sixth floor. Now, go to work. And please, please enjoy yourself.”

And yes – it was the same premise that was (independently) used to similarly great effect in the 2012 Dredd film.

And ever since, I’ve enjoyed whenever The Raid pops up in one form or another – most obviously in its 2014 sequel, which maintained the frenetic action of the first. You know you’re in for glorious action when the climax of the film is preceded by a character telling its action hero that the only way to solve his problems is to kill all of the parties responsible. My personal highlight of the sequel was the assassin duo dubbed Hammer Girl and Baseball Bat Man.

I also get excited whenever I see what I call the Raid guys – primarily Iko Suwais and ‘Mad Dog’ Yahan Ruhian – in a film. Even when they were disappointingly wasted in The Force Awakens. Fortunately, John Wick Chapter 3 made up for that.

I’m also counting it as The Raid popping up for any film by the same director Gareth Evans.

 

FANTASY & SF

No, except to the extent that the intense fighting skill and survival of characters borders on supernatural.

 

COMEDY

Again, not really any comedic elements, except occasionally of the blacker kind

 

RATING: 4 STARS****

B-TIER (HIGH TIER)

Top Tens – Fantasy & SF: Top 10 SF Books (Special Mention) (2) Encyclopedia of SF

Posted on by

Cover of the 1993 print edition published by Palgrave Macmillan with the SFE logo in the circle – the edition I own (and yes – I own an elusive print edition)

 

 

(2) ENCYCLOPEDIA OF SCIENCE FICTION (1979 – PRESENT)

 

“That you could be reading it right now goes without saying, since in some alternate universe you surely are”.

Quite simply, my favorite reference work for the genre of science fiction in different media – books, comics, film & television, and so on (art and illustration, magazines, even music). The first print edition was edited by Peter Nicholls and John Clute in 1979 – with entries not only for works and creators, but also the greater (and lesser) themes and terminology of science fiction. Even better, it was published online in 2011 and is regularly updated since then (winning a Hugo Award in 2012), with editors expanded to include David Langford and Graham Sleight.

And like its companion Encyclopedia for Fantasy, its most engaging strength as a reference work is not so much its entries for individual authors or works, but its compilation of SF themes and terminology or tropes – although it doesn’t have the abundant classification of subgenres, nor quite the evocative phrases used as entry titles as the Encyclopedia of Fantasy. However, it does have a handy online index of themes, featuring such themes of interest as Dream Hacking or Medieval Futurism.

It even has an entry on itself. Kudos, SFE, kudos.

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****
S-TIER (GOD TIER)

Top Tens – Film: Top 10 Films (new entry) (10) Warfare

Posted on by

Film poster art

 

(10) WARFARE (2025)

 

Warfare is “a 2025 American action war drama thriller film” that earns my wildcard tenth place entry by my usual criteria as best film of the present or previous year. Also, it’s a nice bookend with my film in top spot – you’ll see why.

I like the films of Alex Garland, who wrote and directed the film with Ray Mendoza, based on Mendoza’s experiences during the Iraq War as a US Navy Seal. The backdrop is apparently the (Second) Battle of Ramadi or its aftermath in 2026. Mendoza’s platoon – shown with pseudonyms in the film – are on a surveillance mission, which involves them taking over a civilian house, much to the fear and distress of its occupants, and literally scoping out the local jihadi insurgents. Literally, that is, through their sniper sights.

And that’s where things go horribly wrong, as the insurgents scope them right back and get in first, just as American air support withdraws (except for a couple of shows of force that are indeed awesome). From there, it’s a tense story of survival, as the Americans focus purely on extraction – just getting the hell out of there, in one piece or as close as possible. Spoiler alert – it’s not possible, at least in one piece.

You, the viewer, are right there with them, immersed in a visceral experience of combat, and in real time to boot. Also the futility of it all, apart from the destruction of a random civilian house because it was in a good position for surveillance. As one of the female civilians repeatedly shouts after them – “Why?”. They don’t have a good answer for her.

 

RATING:

X-TIER (WILD TIER) – BEST OF 2025

Top Tens – Fantasy & SF: Top 10 SF Books (Special Mention) (1) Omni

Posted on by

One of Omni’s highlights was its top quality SF (and fantasy) art, showcased by this hardcover book collection of it published in 2014

 

 

(1) OMNI (1978-1998)

 

O Omni – the iconic magazine of science and science fiction!

Omni was founded by Kathy Keeton and her partner Bob Guccione, better known as the publisher of Penthouse magazine, in 1978. Unfortunately, it foundered with Keeton’s death in 1997 and wound up in 1998, having ceased print in 1995 but continued online for a short time.

I was introduced to Omni magazine when a spring-cleaning neighbor gave me their old collection of magazines, which also included an anthology Best of Omni Science Fiction. Omni was the gift that kept on giving, as it introduced me to a variety of SF writers, including many writers in my Top 10 SF list or special mentions.

In its halcyon days, it obviously paid writers well as it was a leading light of SF stories, including genre classics. Its impact wasn’t limited to stories – it also featured leading genre artists (including H.R. Giger) as well as feature articles on science and other recurring features. One of the latter was competitions for readers, with one such being for Partly Baked Ideas, the winning entry of which has lodged in my psyche ever since – the Partly Baked Idea for plant flight. Take certain plants that open and close their leaves with the alternation of day and night, combine them with gradually decreasing artificial light from the natural day cycle to strobe frequency, and you may just have plants that flap their leaves enough to fly…

Or not – they were Partly Baked Ideas after all!

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****
S-TIER (GOD TIER)

Top Tens – Top 10 Girls of Mythology

Posted on by

Cover art of issue 7 War Goddess published by Boundless Comics

 

 

GIRLS OF MYTHOLOGY: TOP 10

 

That’s right – I can find Fantasy Girls in anything.

Of course, this is something of a personal novelty top ten list, as my Girls of Mythology don’t tend to have the same art or cosplay as my usual Fantasy Girls in popular culture – the holy trinity of comics, video games and anime of course, but also animation or fantasy and SF.

Although you may be surprised – my Girls of Mythology probably have more name recognition or adaptations in popular culture than those from other areas of culture (which I’ll similarly feature in novelty top ten lists – such as my Girls of History or my Girls of Poetry and Literature). And perhaps even more surprisingly, since some of them do pop up in popular culture – even in comics or video games – they do feature in art and cosplay. Of course, it helps to have video games in which gods and goddesses are playable characters, such as the game Smite.

And they’re reasonably diverse – mostly goddesses of course, but a few mortal girls or at least semi-mortal. You know how mythology is – sometimes the lines of the divine feminine are blurry. Also, they come from a range of my favorite mythologies. My classical mythology girls get top billing of course (and potentially their own top ten) – after all, I’m in it for the nymphs. However, the top ten is reasonably spread throughout different mythologies – including a surprisingly high billing for Biblical mythology, which reflects a surprisingly high prevalence of high profile Biblical bad girls (who will also potentially get their own top ten).

Anyway, counting down my Top 10 Girls of Mythology.

 

Not quite Erzulie but close enough – cover art for the first issue of Vertigo’s Dominique Laveau: Voodoo Child

 

(10) AFRO-AMERICAN (VOODOO): ERZULIE FREDA DAHOMEY

 

Erzulie (or Ezili) Freda Dahomey is the voodoo love goddess, or more precisely, loa – and one of the few female figures in our top ten who is the subject of actual worship by substantial numbers of people today. Like many mythologies, voodoo gets a little messy with its pantheon- the Erzulie are apparently a family of loa associated with femininity and fluidity (or water), or perhaps different aspects of the same loa. Here we are concerned with Erzulie Freda, often titled more expansively as Maitres (also Metres or Mistress) Mambo Erzulie Freda Dahomey (or Daome) – goddess of love, but also beauty, dancing, flowers, jewelry, luck, luxury and more.

She is very much the flirtatious and sensuous party girl, so much so that she has three husbands and one ring for each of them, but can also be coquettish, vain or prone to jealousy and other flaws. In Catholic iconography – usually important in Haitian voodoo due to its history of camouflage for their deities – she is identified with the Mater Dolorossa, which reflects her characteristic depiction of never being able to attain her heart’s desire and prone to tears of longing or regret.

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

*

Free sample ‘divine gallery’ art – Old World Gods

*

(9) NATIVE AMERICAN (LAKOTA): WHITE BUFFALO CALF WOMAN

 

White Buffalo Woman is the sacred or ‘wakan’ woman of the native American Lakota nation. She came to the Lakota in a time of famine, appearing as a beautiful young woman in white, teaching them their sacred rituals and promising to return. Hers will be an apocalyptic return or ghost dance, in which evil will be swept from the world, and all the buffalo, ancestors and lost tribes will return.

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

*

 

Kali as she appears in her Golden skin character profile art in the Smite video game

 

(8) HINDU: KALI

 

Kali is the original bad girl goddess – and as a goddess of Hinduism, one with more actual live worshippers than any other female figure in my top ten.

In general, female figures in Hinduism are some of the few which appear attractive to modern eyes in their traditional artistic depictions, most notably their voluptuous temple sculpture (some of which would not look out of place in Playboy, or even an adult film in the more steamy temples). Indeed, there’s pinup style art by Elias Chatzoudis – inspired by Kali – would not be out of place there.

Good girl goddesses such as Lakshmi and Parvati might seem sweeter, but ultimately Kali is more iconic, although she is traditionally depicted as a fearsome or terrifying black or blue-skinned destructive figure (yet still often naked and voluptuous). Although Kali is sometimes identified as an aspect of Parvati as divine mother goddess – Hindu mythology can get convoluted in its polytheism. It’s complicated – and so is Kali.

Like Shiva – who tends to be identified as her consort – Kali is the destroyer (within the cycle of creation, preservation and destruction), but hers is a righteous destruction. Again like Shiva, she tends to destroy demonic or evil forces – “she destroys evil to protect the innocent” or as divine protector to bestow liberation. Even her image as destroyer can be seen as merely a form of a supreme goddess figure and mother of the universe (devi) or divine feminine force (shakti) – who is herself creator, preserver and destroyer

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

*

Morgan Le Fay character profile from the Smite video game

*

(7) CELTIC (ARTHURIAN): MORGAN LE FAY

 

Morgan or Morgana Le Fay (there are other variants) is characteristically the bad girl of Arthurian legend – an enchantress who seduces Arthur’s knights away from Camelot (such that they are mostly dead or lost or compromised) and plots to overthrow the kingdom.

Or not. Her early appearances in Arthurian legend “do not elaborate her character beyond her role as a goddess, a fay (or fairy), a witch, or a sorceress, generally benevolent and related to King Arthur as his magical savior and protector”. Her prominence increased over time, as did her moral ambivalence or outright villainy, particularly in Malory’s Le Morte d’Arthur, which was in many ways the codification of Arthurian legend.

She is variously portrayed as Arthur’s sister (or more precisely half-sister), even conflating her with another traditional character (and her sister) Morgause as his lover and mother by him to Mordred, usurper and adversary to Arthur in his fatal last battle (as in the film Excalibur, which remains my favorite cinematic adaptation of Arthurian legend). Yet she moves in mysterious ways and is one of the retinue of maidens who take Arthur to Avalon after his final battle.

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

*

 

Freya as she appears in her standard design in official character profile art in the Smite video game

 

 

(6) NORSE: FREYA

 

Freya (or Freyja or Freja) is the Nordic love goddess, blonde and blue-eyed, most beautiful of the goddesses and ogled lustfully by the giants – more than one Norse myth has a giant unsuccessfully claim Freya as their prize. She was also goddess of war and queen of the Valkyries, taking half of all heroes slain in battle into her heavenly field in Asgard (the other half going of course to Odin’s hall in Valhalla).

More broadly, she was the goddess of love, beauty, fertility, s€x, war, gold and magic – goddess of the golden necklace or torc Brisingamen, goddess of the falcon-feathered flying cloak and goddess of the cat-pulled chariot.

Above all, she was the lady of Friday, the day named for her. All hail Lady Friday, goddess of the weekend!

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

*

Ishtar in her standard art design for her Smite video game character profile

*

(5) BABYLO-SUMERIAN: ISHTAR INANNA

 

Babylonian goddess Ishtar (Sumerian Inanna) is the sensual goddess of love and war, personification of the morning star, and mistress of the mysteries of death and rebirth. Her most famous myth is her descent into the underworld for her lover Tammuz (Sumerian Dumuzi), where she had to take off one of her seven veils at each of the seven gates of the underworld (the dance of the seven veils) so that she came naked to the heart of hell.

Ishtar was above all associated with s€xuality – the rites of the sacred marriage (hieros gamos) and her cult of temple pr0stitution. As such, she may have been the original model for the Biblical Wh0re of Babylon. Certainly, she and her sister goddesses repeatedly seduce the Israelites away from their Biblical faith – the prophet Ezekiel lamented her rituals of “the women weeping for Tammuz” at the very “door of the gate of the Lord’s house” in Jerusalem. Yet she has also been seen as the model for Esther, the beautiful and virtuous Biblical heroine of the Babylonian exile. Such are the mysterious ways of this good and bad girl goddess, who dances with stars and descends into the underworld.

Her counterpart in the pagan borderlands of Biblical Israel was Astarte or Asherah, who recurs through the Old Testament as a constant temptress of the Israelites – even worshipped as the pagan goddess of Israel, the consort of Yahweh and Queen of Heaven. Her sacred figures or asherim – poles, trees or groves – were found throughout Israel and her worship maddened the prophet Jeremiah as the people of Jerusalem gathered “to burn incense unto the queen of heaven, and to pour out drink offerings to her”. (Those Biblical prophets sure knew how to spoil a good party)

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

Isis in her standard art design for her Smite video game character profile (under her more Egyptian name Eset)

 

(4) EGYPTIAN: ISIS

 

Outside of Hinduism, ancient Egyptian female figures are perhaps the other female figures that appear attractive to modern eyes in their traditional artistic depictions, particularly their monumental statues and paintings. Lithe and svelte in their tight, form-fitting dresses, with their golden skin and painted eyes, they would not look out of place as supermodels on a modern catwalk.

Isis is the most iconic and famous of Egyptian goddesses – throne goddess of the pharaoh, goddess of magic who seduced the secret name from the sun god Ra, lover of Osiris who resurrected him after he was dismembered by his evil adversary Set and mother of the divine hero Horus. She enchanted the Greek and Roman conquerors of Egypt, so much so that that she loomed as a goddess of the Roman Empire to rival even Christianity and it is tempting to think how the empire could have gone the way of the ankh and not the cross. In the words of her apostle, Lucius Apuleius:

“You see me here, Lucius, in answer to your prayer. I am nature, the universal Mother, mistress of all the elements, primordial child of time, sovereign of all things spiritual, queen of the dead, queen also of the immortals, the single manifestation of all gods and goddesses that are…Though I am worshipped in many aspects, known by countless names … the Egyptians who excel in ancient learning and worship call me by my true name…Queen Isis.”

 

RATING:

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

 

Cover art by J. Scott Campbell of Eve for the Hero Comics Hero Initiative Book published 1 April 2017 – both my favorite artistic representation of Eve depicting her temptation in all its naked snaky glory and one of my favorite J Scott Campbell artworks

 

 

(3) BIBLICAL: EVE

 

“When the apple reddens

Never pry

Lest we lose our Edens –

Eve and I”

 

Few mythic female figures are as iconic, as evocative as Eve – the original Biblical bad girl and primal woman. And few have as many faces. She has posed as the definitive femme fatale and temptress of Western art and literature, the Bible’s original sinner and siren of paradise lost. As such, she has been the focus and symbol of much misogyny – although without her role in it, there’d be no Bible. The words Margaret Atwood gave her fairy tale villainess could well be said by Eve – “I’m the plot, babe, and don’t ever forget it.”

Of course, as the iconoclastic Camille Paglia has noted, the Biblical story of Eden at least gave her a male accomplice in the serpent. However, even this has been reversed in Western art (notably during the Renaissance), which has even given the serpent Eve’s face – and breasts! That’s some deep Freudian kind of mixed-up right there. Although there’s something else equally as mixed up (albeit not quite so much in the Freudian sense) that’s easily overlooked which is implicit in the very bible narrative itself – the serpent had legs! (God curses it to crawl on its belly as punishment for its crime). If I came across a walking talking snake, I’d listen to whatever it said too – and quite frankly, the whole Garden of Eden set up smacks of a classic two-man con played by God and the serpent.

She has also posed as s€xual temptress, the naked woman for all seasons. Religious tradition saw Eve and Adam as models of physical perfection, befitting those shaped by God’s hand as opposed to those born into this world (or the reality of our ancestral African hominids). And although the Garden of Eden is a tangled jungle of symbolism (that deserves its own list), let’s not forget the steamy sexual symbolism of original sin. There is the temptation itself – Eve is tempted by the phallic serpent and Adam is tempted by the lush fruit offered to him by Eve (in the words of John Milton, “emparadis’d in each other’s arms”). And then there are the consequences – consciousness of their naked state of nature, Eve is punished by the pains of labor, and Adam is punished by the pains of a different labor, working the earth to feed his family. To paraphrase Kurt Vonnegut, it all smells of apple juice…

Finally, she has posed for those who would reclaim her as a figure of female power or even divinity – Promethean heroine plucking the knowledge of humanity from divinely imposed ignorance or goddess of paradise and mother of life. Some have seen the myth of a fall from paradise as an echo of each of our own experience of prenatal bliss (or at least childhood) – we all fall from the womb into the world. All hail Eve, God the Mother! She is the goddess and this is her body.

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

*

Helen of Troy as portrayed by Diane Kruger in the 2004 Troy film

*

(2) CLASSICAL: HELEN OF TROY

 

When it comes to girls of mythology, for me every other mythology is simply outgunned by classical mythology – and foremost among the female figures of classical mythology is Helen of Troy. I mean, come on – they fought a war for her! Greece’s greatest heroes fought the Trojan War for ten years – and in the end Troy burned – for her. Also, as an acronym, she’s H.o.T.

Apart from Eve, she is the other definitive femme fatale of Western art and literature – without her, there would be no Iliad or Odyssey, the epic heart of classical literature and rosy-fingered dawn of Western literature. And at the end of the war, when her husband Menelaus went with sword in hand to kill her for ten years of adultery, he had only to gaze at her as she dropped the robe from her shoulder and the sword fell from his hand.

Her legend has continued to enrapture throughout history, even occasionally tempting Christianity. The apostles had to compete with the cult of Simon Magus, who toured with his showgirl Helen of Troy, posing as an incarnation of the eternal feminine. And Christopher Marlowe’s Faust famously marveled at his Helen of Troy, one of hell’s temptations to seal the demonic pact for his soul – “Is this the face that launched a thousand ships?” Of course, he burned for her as well. Such is Helen of Troy

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

*

Aphrodite in her standard design art from her Smite video game profile

*

(1) CLASSICAL: APHRODITE VENUS

*

Is there any contest? Greek Aphrodite (Roman Venus) is the archetypal goddess of love and beauty – born of the morning star, the sea’s foam and the world’s desire. Her very name gives us aphrodisiac and her planetary sign for Venus is the universal symbol for the female sex. And there’s a reason that female figures in art are often labeled Venus – and that Aphrodite or Venus herself has been the predominant female figure in art, particularly for nudes, with perhaps the most iconic being that by Botticelli.

The Olympian goddesses Athena and Hera were foolish enough to compete against her for the prize of the golden apple inscribed “to the most beautiful”. No contest – the gods appointed Trojan prince Paris as the judge and he awarded it to Aphrodite. (He then took Helen as his reward and the rest is mythic history – the Trojan War).

In addition, Aphrodite and her Roman counterpart Venus had a plethora of aspects denoted by epithets which could well be a top ten all of their own – with the dualism of the ‘higher’ Aphrodite Ourania and the ‘lower’ (or dirtier) Aphrodite Pandemos being perhaps the most well known. Although I’ll always have a soft spot for Aphrodite or Venus Kallipygos – the Aphrodite or Venus “of the beautiful buttocks”. Baby got back!

Mighty Aphrodite! She is the goddess!

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

*

*

TOP 10 GIRLS OF MYTHOLOGY: TIER LIST

*

S-TIER (GODDESS TIER)

(1) CLASSICAL: APHRODITE VENUS

(2) CLASSICAL: HELEN OF TROY

(3) BIBLICAL: EVE

*

A-TIER (TOP TIER)

(4) EGYPTIAN: ISIS

(5) BABYLO-SUMERIAN: ISHTAR INANNA

(6) NORSE: FREYA

(7) CELTIC (ARTHURIAN): MORGANA LE FAY

(8) HINDU: KALI

(9) NATIVE AMERICAN (LAKOTA): WHITE BUFFALO CALF WOMAN

(10) AFRO-AMERICAN (VOODOO): ERZULIE FREDA DAHOMEY

Top Tens – History: Top 10 History Books (Honorable Mention: Roman History)

Posted on by

 

 

ANTHONY KALDELLIS –

THE NEW ROMAN EMPIRE: A HISTORY OF BYZANTIUM (2023) 

 

The history of the eastern Roman Empire – from founding to fall of Constantinople, with more than a millennium of history in between them.

By the fall of Constantinople to the Ottomans in 1453 AD – on the threshold of the Spanish discovery of the Americas and marking the start of the early modern period – the empire was effectively reduced to the city itself with some spare change left behind in the couch in the Peloponnese.

It had come a long way – and fallen so far – from its glorious founding as new imperial capital from the former city of Byzantium by Constantine in 330 AD, reigning as sole emperor over the whole classical Roman empire. From that point the empire was almost inevitably destined to be divided (again) into western and eastern halves, with the latter ruled from Constantinople and almost inevitably destined to outlast the former.

The founding of Constantinople and its rule over the eastern empire that became the sole empire once its western counterpart fell prompts consideration of what to call that empire, which is addressed from the outset of the book – and in its title.

It was of course, as they considered themselves to be, the continuation of the Roman Empire, but it also had important distinctions from the former classical empire – distinctions that allowed it to endure as long as it did and not merely as a “pale facsimile of classical Rome” but “a vigorous state of its own, inheritor of many of Rome’s features, and a vital node in the first truly globalized world”.

Western history has borrowed from Constantinople’s former title Byzantium – as indeed does the book’s subtitle and its author as self-described Byzantist – to call it the Byzantine empire, often to the detriment of the empire’s continuity with the Roman Empire. I guess Constantinopolitan Empire doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

That is something which this book resists, advocating persuasively against that usage. While it is no doubt a term with an unfortunate history of usage, much like the general usage of Byzantine as a pejorative adjective, I think the title of Byzantine Empire may well be too ingrained in common usage to shake.

The common alternative has been to call it the Eastern Roman Empire – a usage similar to that of various Chinese dynasties to distinguish their geographical extent at different times, such as the Southern Song dynasty.

The book makes a persuasive case for a title as the New Roman Empire but then doesn’t really use that beyond the book’s title and introduction, instead preferring to use Romania – a usage that I don’t think will catch on for potential confusion with the modern nation of that name. Also come on – neo-Roman Empire was right there!

As for the book’s history of that thousand-year empire, it’s pretty much summed up by that earlier quote about it as a “vigorous state of its own” – one which endured through “innovative institutions and a bottomless strategic playbook”, the latter including what in modern parlance is called soft power and set out in one of the book’s many engaging points.

Another engaging point is that the book plays into my preference for thematic history, not simply chronicling what happened but asking how and why it did – above all, the question of how and why the empire “lasted so long lies at the heart of the book”.

That can be broken down into further questions, which the book engages. How and why did it survive when the western empire didn’t? How and why did it almost succumb to enemies after that, notably the Persians and Arabs when it came within a heartbeat of falling? How and why did it then rebound after those and other occasions of decline?

As to the book’s big question of how and why it lasted so long, a fundamental part of the answer is reflected in its preferred usage of Romania – that the empire transformed itself to resemble not so much subjects under imperial rule as participants in a Roman nation state.

A further engaging point is that the author doesn’t shrink on occasion from laying down some snide snark – such as when channelling his inner Procopius, he lets the occasional barb slip that he really doesn’t like Justinian. He quips that the Plague of Justinian was the only thing the emperor didn’t want to name after himself – ooo, sick imperial burn! Of course, in this house, Justinian is a hero – although even I have to admit he overextended the empire.

Less engaging for me is when he detours into the endless theological disputes in the broader history of Christianity within the empire. Yes, yes – I know the history of the empire is intimately caught up with the history of Christianity within it but my eyes mostly glazed over when the book went there.

Except for the dispute over icons – that kept my interest, although I suppose it helped it just involved the simply use (or prohibition from use) of images and not some mindbogglingly pedantic semantics. Also, there was the book’s insight that the iconoclasts were not as, well, iconoclastic as they were made out to be.

Even so, I preferred the book’s more straightforward political and military history of when the empire was kicking ass or having its ass kicked.