Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Special Mention: Revised) (11) Viking Expansion

The euphemistically named Guests from Overseas, painting by Nicholas Roerich, depicting a Viking (or Varangian) raid, Tretyakov Gallery in Moscow (public domain image – Wikipedia “Viking Expansion”)

 

 

(11) VIKING EXPANSION (793 – 1066)

 

A historical explosion like the Arab conquests, in far-flung scale if not territorial conquest – a longboat blitzkrieg across four continents, albeit if only on the peripheries of three of them.

Europe was the focus of Viking expansion, not surprisingly given its Scandinavian origin – Denmark, Norway, and Sweden. In turn, the Viking expansion might be classified broadly as westwards or eastwards, the former with a focus on the British Isles and France, the latter with a focus on Russia.

The British Isles set the archetype of Viking expansion – raids followed by conquest and settlement – as well as the timeline I’ve used in this entry.

That timeline – often dubbed the Viking Age – typically starts with the first Viking raids in England and ends with the Norman conquest of England in 1066. Ironically, the better event in 1066 for it is the failed invasion of England by the Norwegian king, defeated at the Battle of Samford Bridge by the Saxon king Harold Godwinson, who then went on to be defeated by the Normans in the more famous Battle of Hastings.

However, one might argue for a longer Viking Age extending to the fifteenth century, as the king of Norway retained fiefdoms in Scottish islands such as Shetland or Orkney until that century. However, the tendency among historians is to identify that the various Viking polities, particularly the Scandinavian monarchies, were no longer Vikings once they became Christian.

Probably the most famous part of the Viking expansion in the British Isles or at least England was the Danish conquest or settlement in England known as the Danelaw, particularly under King Canute or Cnut – you don’t want to mix up the letters in the latter.

In Ireland, the most famous part were the Viking kingdoms – strikingly including that in Dublin although many of Ireland’s first large towns were Viking conquests or settlements – and their defeat by the Irish High King Brian Boru, particularly in the Battle of Clontarf

Otherwise, the Vikings pretty much raided the entire Atlantic coastline of western Europe – with the most famous part here being the Viking settlement under their leader Rollo that became Normandy within the Frankish kingdom in France. The Normans went on to their own Norman Conquests that were almost as expansive as the Viking Expansion from which they originated – but is best considered as distinct from it since they rapidly became Christian as well as acculturated or intermixed with the French population.

The Vikings didn’t stop at the Atlantic coastline of Western Europe, raiding – and trading – in the Mediterranean as well, certainly in the Iberian peninsula but possibly also as far as Italy, north Africa, Egypt and the Byzantine Empire. There’s Africa as one of the four continents of Viking expansion by the way – I told you the other three continents were only on their periphery. However, the Norman conquests were to prove more notable in the Mediterranean – notably actually conquering territory in northern Africa.

So that’s the westward Viking expansion in Europe – the eastward expansion extended along the Baltic coastline and rivers in Russia, where they were known as Varangians. The focus and most famous part of this eastward expansion was their kingdom known as Kievan Rus’ and their contacts with the Byzantine Empire, which saw Viking expansion to the Black Sea and Caspian Sea. There’s Asia as another continent of Viking expansion, albeit again on the periphery.

The fourth continent was North America, albeit by exploration and settlement via Iceland and Greenland which extended at its very furthest fringe to Newfoundland, known as Vinland.

What is particularly intriguing are the various theories of what drove the Viking expansion. Some of the usual suspects have been proposed but not confirmed – demographic (population or youth bulge), economic (growing trade and urbanization for targets), ideological (paganism vs Christianity), political (the “pull” of weak, decentralized states in Europe against the “push” of stronger centralized states in Scandinavia), technological (Viking shipbuilding), and even climate (favorable conditions for sailing).

However, my personal favorite theory is that they were horny – and not on their helmets (which I understand may be something of a historical myth in any event). That is, the s€xual theory of Viking Expansion – it was to seek out or capture women due to a shortage of available women in Scandinavia for young men.

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Types of War (Special Mention) (10) Trench & Tunnel Warfare

Trenches of the 11th Cheshire Regiment at Ovillers-la-Boisselle, on the Somme, July 1916. One sentry keeps watch while the others sleep. Photo by Ernest Brooks (public domain image in Wikipedia “Trench warfare”

 

 

(10) TRENCH & TUNNEL WARFARE

 

I quipped about trench warfare as a subterranean form of land warfare but that’s taking its subterranean elements too far – it is more akin to a form of fortification and the siege warfare from which it originated.

While it has those predecessors in pre-modern warfare, it particularly arose from the firepower in modern warfare, with the increased rate of fire in small arms, firstly breech-loading firearms and secondly machine guns, and the increased power of artillery.

“Trench warfare is a combat strategy where opposing armies fight from fortified, dug-in networks of trenches to seek cover from heavy firepower and artillery. It typically emerges when defensive weaponry—such as machine guns and automated artillery—outpaces mobility, often resulting in a prolonged, grinding stalemate or war of attrition.”

The archetype of trench warfare is of course famously the Western Front in the First World War, although increasing modern firepower saw it occur from the Crimean War and American Civil War onwards.

Ironically, the First World War saw both its famous archetype and its decline.

“The development of armored warfare and combined arms tactics permitted static lines to be bypassed and defeated, leading to the decline of trench warfare after the war. Following World War I, trench warfare became a byword for stalemate, attrition, sieges and futility in conflict.”

However, trench warfare has recurred in subsequent conflicts “where technological parity or drone threats restrict rapid troop movement, as seen in the Russia-Ukraine War”.

Tunnel warfare on the other hand is subterranean warfare, albeit overlapping with the semi-subterranean warfare of trench warfare, and it goes, well, deep into history, back to the Bronze Age “with recorded uses by the Assyrians”.

“Historically, besieging forces employed sappers to dig tunnels beneath a fortress wall, collapsing the tunnel to bring the wall down. Defenders would counter by digging their own tunnels to intercept the invaders in brutal hand-to-hand combat beneath the surface”.

A fascinating example of ancient subterranean or tunnel warfare is in the Roman-Persian Wars, with “well-preserved evidence of mining and counter-mining operations…unearthed at the fortress of Dura-Europos, which fell to the Sassanians in 256/7 AD”. From what I’ve seen or read of it, it looks literally hellish – not only hand-to-hand combat in cramped and suffocating conditions underground, but also at risk of accidental or deliberate collapse as well as burning sulphur and pitch to create poisonous gas.

If anything, it has been more commonly used in modern warfare – “a military strategy involving combat conducted underground, typically utilizing dug networks, natural caves, or existing urban infrastructure”, used to “bypass surface gridlocks, escape aerial bombardment, and neutralize the technological advantages of more powerful armies”. The focus of the latter two involves force protection but it’s also used for infiltration (as at Dura-Europos in the Roman-Persian Wars), logistics hubs, and tactical deflection. Perhaps the most famous use of tunnel warfare in modern warfare was in the Vietnam War.

“It includes the construction of underground facilities in order to attack or defend, and the use of existing natural caves and artificial underground facilities for military purposes. Tunnels can be used to undermine fortifications and slip into enemy territory for a surprise attack, while it can strengthen a defense by creating the possibility of ambush, counterattack and the ability to transfer troops from one portion of the battleground to another unseen and protected. Tunnels can serve as shelter from enemy attack…Tunnels are narrow and restrict fields of fire; thus, troops in a tunnel usually have only a few areas exposed to fire or sight at any one time.”

 

RATING: A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Special Mention: Revised) (10) Arab Conquests

 

Go Greek fire you’re burning up the quarter mile
(Greek fire, go Greek fire)
Go Greek fire you’re coasting through the heat lap trials
(Greek fire, go Greek fire)
You are supreme, the chicks’ll cream for Greek fire – Greek fire in Byzantine manuscript

 

(10) ARAB CONQUESTS (622 – 751 AD)

 

The Arab conquests were a nigh-unstoppable historical explosion, once previously divided tribes in a historical backwater had been united under Mohammed – conquering one of history’s largest pre-modern empires (indeed the seventh or eighth largest in all history) on three continents in a little over a century, a blitzkrieg by horse, sail…and camel!

 “In speed and extent, the first Arab conquests were matched only by those of Alexander the Great, and they were more lasting.”

Mohammed had essentially conquered the Arabian peninsula, but his death left his successors – the three great Arab caliphates – only at the start of extending his empire to even wider conquests.

The Rashidun Caliphate, immediate successors to Mohammed, did most of the heavy lifting to break out of the Arabian peninsula. Two formidable empires blocked their path, the Persian Empire and the eastern Roman or Byzantine Empire, but the Arabs conquered the former and routed the latter back to Anatolia.

However, it was under their successors, the Umayyad Caliphate, that Arab conquests reached their greatest extent, westwards from the north African shore to Europe itself – conquering Spain (well, not quite all, in a manner similar to the famous caveat to the Roman conquest of Gaul in Asterix comics) and famously invading France before being turned back at Tours by Charles Martel.

Eastwards, the Umayyads also extended beyond Persia through central Asia to the fringes of India and China – the latter of which presented even the Tang Empire some difficulty resisting their advance.

The Umayyads were overthrown by the Abbasids in 750 AD and the Abbasids then formed the third great Arab caliphate, the Abbasid Caliphate, who then presided over what is often regarded as the Golden Age of Islam from their capital in Baghdad. The surviving Umayyad dynasty fled into exile across the Mediterranean to Spain, continuing their Caliphate as the Emirate of Cordoba independent from the Abbasids, even with their own rival golden age of Islam in the fabled Al-Andalus of Spain.

Although the Abbasids made some more territorial gains – notably Sicily and Crete – their Caliphate saw an end to the rapid Arab conquests, albeit with victory against Tang China in the Battle of Talas in 751 AD as a postscript:

“Muslim armies had come against a combination of natural barriers and powerful states that impeded any further military progress. The wars produced diminishing returns … The priorities of the rulers also shifted from conquest of new lands to administration of the acquired empire … the period of rapid centralized expansion would now give way to an era when further spread of Islam would be slow and accomplished through the efforts of local dynasties, missionaries, and traders.”

One is spoilt for choice for wars in the century and more of Arab conquests, but if one were to choose the wars that best encapsulate them as a whole, it would be the Arab-Byzantine wars from 629 AD to 718 AD.

The Byzantine or eastern Roman empire was the first state of substance that the Arabs faced when breaking out from their peninsula. It seemed incredible that the Arabs could defeat such a firmly established state, even when that state was weakened from recent war with Persia, yet they did – routing it back to Anatolia as they conquered its other territory in Asia and Africa, which then became their springboard for further conquests.

Ironically, it then seemed incredible that the Byzantines could hold the line or withstand complete defeat or conquest by the Arabs as the latter went from one victory to another – yet they did, from Arab attacks by land and by sea, even as the Arabs besieged Constantinople twice, in 674-678 AD and in 717-718 AD. Among other things, the Byzantine superweapon Greek fire was instrumental in their success.

The frontiers of Arab conquest finally stabilized between them in Anatolia, as it did elsewhere under the Abbasid caliphate at about this time, until from about 863 AD when the Byzantines – incredibly again – were able to regain both the initiative and some of their former territory, in wars usually reversed in name to the Byzantine-Arab wars to signify Byzantine ascendance.

 

RATING: A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – Comics: Top 10 Comics (Special Mention) (3) Calvin & Hobbes

Cover of Calvin and Hobbes, the first collection of comic strips published by Andrews McMeel Publishing in 1987 (fair use)

 

 

(3) BILL WATTERSON –

CALVIN & HOBBES (1985-1995)

 

Goddamn I love that tiger!

 

“One of the most (maybe the most) beloved newspaper comics of all time, that influenced, changed and thrilled an entire generation, all drawn and written by one man — Bill Watterson…Watterson reminded us that newspaper comics don’t have to be bland, crude drawings, funny animals can have deeper personalities and insights in life, and that it was still possible for a strip to successfully explore philosophical themes without feeling tacked on. And yes, comics about children can still be great”.

Also (as noted by TV Tropes) – unpredictable panel layouts, surreal nature, childhood fantasy elements, lush art, adventure, vivid characterization, satire, classic cartoon slapstick and a gently comedic look at the hard truths of life.

Calvin is a precocious 6-year-old, who lives in rich world of imagination – personified (or is that tiger-ified) by Hobbes, his (imaginary – or is he?) best friend, a “walking, talking tiger” to Calvin and an inanimate plush toy to everyone else (and intriguingly of different appearance from his animate appearance to Calvin).

Amusingly, Calvin and Hobbes were named for the sixteenth century theologian John Calvin and sixteenth century philosopher Thomas Hobbes respectively – pointing to the philosophical themes of the comic.

Arguably Calvin embodies the child in every adult, while Hobbes represents the adult in every child – particularly with the latter tending to act as the voice of reason and conscience to Calvin. Hobbes also has a thing for “babes”.

The fantasy – or reality – of Hobbes’ dual nature is one of the most appealing parts of the strip, as is the fantasy or reality of the titular duo’s many adventures and misadventures, but perhaps also (ironically) of least consequence – “Watterson has described the matter as being a non-question: This is not a strip about a young reality warper going on magical adventures with a stuffed animal that comes to life when no one else is looking, nor is it as simple as a boy with a stuffed tiger and an overactive imagination. This is a strip about the world seen through Calvin’s eyes. To Calvin, Hobbes is a real tiger, a cardboard box is a cloning device, a wagon driven off a ramp can fly to Mars, and mutant snowmen can stage a rebellion against their creator. And that is all that matters”.

I’m prompted to think of the play Harvey and its film adaptation as a spiritual predecessor, with its protagonist’s six-foot rabbit ‘imaginary friend’ Harvey playing the role of Hobbes:

“I’ve wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I’m happy to state I finally won out over it. I always have a wonderful time, wherever I am, whoever I’m with”.

 

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GOD-TIER)

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Types of War (Special Mention) (9) Ground Warfare

A pair of AMX-30 main battle tanks and a truck of the French 6th Light Armored Division pause outside Al-Salman during Operation Desert Storm.

 

(9) GROUND WARFARE

 

Yes, all warfare except naval and air warfare is ground or land warfare – and even those two overlap with ground warfare in things such as amphibious or airborne warfare.

This special mention is for ground or land warfare by terrain and weather conditions, which both are, and are not, surprisingly diverse.

Not surprisingly diverse – as observed by John Keegan in an interlude chapter on the limitations of war-making in his history of warfare, war on land tends to have the same default terrain and weather conditions, avoiding difficulties of both.

Surprisingly diverse – because you can’t always pick your battles or where you fight them, such that there are some distinctive or specialized types of warfare within ground of land warfare in general.

Perhaps not quite enough for a top ten of ground warfare, but at least enough for six distinctive types of warfare (although I think arguments can be made for airborne and amphibious warfare as types of groundwarfare, at least in part, with island warfare within the latter, as well as wet-weather wrfare as its own distinct type of ground warfare):

  • (1) Urban warfare as featured in my top ten entry of siege and urban warfare
  • (2) Desert warfare – which I suspect might be the next most common after siege and urban warfare (at least on a large scale), because of the Middle East (going all the way back to the ancient Near East)
  • (3) Jungle warfare
  • (4) Mountain warfare, often overlapping with…
  • (5) Cold-weather, winter or arctic warfare, including ski warfare.
  • (6) Subterranean warfare – or in other words, my next special mention entry…

 

RATING: A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – Comics: Top 10 Comics (Special Mention) (2) Asterix

Cover of the 1961 edition in English of Asterix the Gaul, the first volume in the series.

 

 

(2) RENE GOSCINNY & ALBERT UDERZO –

ASTERIX (1959-1979 – I’m only counting the ones written by both Goscinny and Uderzo up to Asterix in Belgium, the twenty-fourth volume in the series)

 

“The year is 50 B.C. Gaul is entirely occupied by the Romans. Well, not entirely… One small village of indomitable Gauls still holds out against the invaders. And life is not easy for the Roman legionaries who garrison the fortified camps of Totorum, Aquarium, Laudanum and Compendium…”

These Romans are crazy!

Asterix is the original source of my enduring love of comics – and my enduring fascination with the Roman Empire in classical or ancient history. It wouldn’t quite be true to say everything I know about the Roman world I learned from Asterix comics – as those comics inspired me to read more historical books on the Roman Empire and ancient history – but you could genuinely learn a lot about the Romans from them.

The basic premise is stated in the above introduction to each comic, accompanied by the famous map with a magnifying glass held up to show the titular protagonist’s village. (Asterix is also where I learned about the battle of Alesia, in which Julius Caesar defeated the Gallic chieftain Vercingetorix and conquered Gaul – a detail that recurs in a number of comics). This small but plucky village has withstood the vast numerical and military superiority of the Roman empire by virtue of a magic potion that bestows superhuman strength brewed by its resident druid. (Yes, technically it’s the Roman Republic at that time but it had gained imperial control over most of the same territory, hence I’ll use empire in lower case).

Each comic then introduced the major dramatis personae from the village – foremost among them our small but plucky titular protagonist Asterix, but also his generously proportioned fellow protagonist Obelix (who always has superhuman strength because he fell in a cauldron of magic potion as a baby), the aforementioned druid Getafix, village chieftain Vitalstatistix and ill-tuned bard Cacofonix. Oh – and Obelix’s cute dog Dogmatix. As you can tell, the names of Gauls in the comic had humorous puns or plays on the suffix “-ix” – the Romans similarly with “us” and so on with other groups within the empire. That was indicative of the general wordplay and puns in dialogue as well as visual gags that made each comic a delight – “part of the appeal of the series is probably the variety of humor, which includes slapstick fight scenes, plenty of wordplay, thinly-veiled social commentary, and Iron Age and Roman antiquity versions of just about every European (and beyond) stereotype you can imagine.

I must admit to having a soft spot for the Romans, even though they were generally the antagonists – although perhaps not quite to the point of rooting for the empire, as our protagonist and his village were just too damn charming. Generally the Romans weren’t cast as evil villains – indeed the hapless legionaries in the camps surrounding the village strove to serve out their time by quietly trying to avoid any contact with the Gauls – although they could also be effective antagonists in their schemes to conquer or undermine the village. And it helped that the Romans were also typically lovable idiots – indeed like almost everyone else in the comic, including the protagonist villagers themselves, except of course for Asterix, Getafix and flashes of brilliance among other characters (Gauls or otherwise). Interestingly, one character not played as an idiot – indeed, played as a worthy adversary – was Caesar himself.

I also have to admit to a soft spot – widely shared by other fans – for the cameo appearances by the recurring band of small but persistently unlucky pirates, a parody of another comic series Barbe-Rouge (Redbeard) – unlucky, that is, in persistently encountering our protagonist duo, the point that they would desperately try to avoid “the Gauls”, even sinking their own ship.

The series was also distinguished by some of the best translations in comics ever – from the original French (of course) by writer Rene Goscinny – as well as some of the best caricature art from artist Albert Uderzo. Goscinny sadly died in 1977 and Uderzo took over the writing as well, although not quite with the same superb quality of writing in the eyes of fans such as myself – until he too sadly passed away only in March 2020.

 

RATING: S-TIER (GOD-TIER – OR IS THAT BY TOUTATIS TIER!)

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Wars (Special Mention: Revised) (9) Roman-Persian Wars

 

Rock face relief at Naqshe-Rostam, depicting the victories of the Sassanid Persian emperor Shapur I over the Roman Emperors Valerian and Philip the Arab. Do you want emperors captured by Persians? Because that’s how you get emperors captured by Persians…

 

(9) ROMAN-PERSIAN WARS

 

The first world war, fought intermittently on the frontier between successive Roman and Persian polities over almost seven centuries.

No, seriously. Well, half seriously.

The Roman-Persian Wars were a world war, or war between two different worlds – that might have been fought on the frontier between them, a little like the Western Front writ large (and long) but had ramifications or repercussions throughout both empires that extended across Eurasia from Britain to India.

And that comparison to the First World War’s Western Front writ large and long stands. Despite seven slugging centuries of grinding war, the Roman-Persian border remained remarkably stable.

“One has the impression that the blood spilled in the warfare between the two states brought as little real gain to one side or the other as the few meters of land gained at terrible cost in the trench warfare of the First World War.”

That is, until the last dramatic phase of the wars, the Byzantine-Sasanian War of 602-628 – which might be compared to the similarly abrupt and dramatic reversals of fortune in 1917-1918 that ultimately saw the end of the First World War. However, even that last war of the Roman-Persian Wars effectively ended with the restoration of the status quo (and border) between the two empires.

The Roman-Persian Wars are an interesting contrast to those other Persian Wars of antiquity, the Greek-Persian Wars, in lacking the same existential stakes or outcomes – with the Greek city-states desperately defending themselves from outright conquest by the Achaemenid Persian Empire in the classical Greek-Persian Wars, and Alexander the Great conquering that same empire outright in his Macedonian-Persian Wars.

The latter always struck me as incredible in contrast to the failure of the Romans, more powerful and commanding more resources than either Alexander or their own Persian adversaries, to achieve anything like Alexander’s decisive defeat and conquest of Persia. That is despite the Romans, at least emperors Caracalla and Julian, expressly seeking to emulate Alexander. The reality seems to have been that for the most part neither side did little more than essentially raid each other over the frontier, with the Romans famously sacking the Persian capital Ctesiphon numerous times.

The Roman-Persian Wars might be classified into four phases, corresponding to three successive Roman polities and two Persian ones – not to mention Armenia bouncing back and forth between the two empires as client state or protectorate.

First, there was Roman Republic against the Parthians – initiated by the invasion of Mesopotamia by Roman general Crassus, which saw one of the Republic’s most crushing defeats at the Battle of Carrhae in 53 BC. However, the Parthians did nothing to exploit this defeat or the subsequent civil wars of the Republic with one notable exception, as they generally sought to remain on peaceful terms with the Romans. That notable exception was their support of the so-called Liberators – the assassins of Julius Caesar – and invasion of the Roman eastern provinces after the Liberators’ defeat. The Romans defeated the Parthian invasion, but the Parthians then defeated the retributive campaign by Mark Antony against them.

Second, there was the Roman Empire against the Parthians, which saw five major wars between them, mostly to the defeat of the Parthians with their capital Ctesiphon sacked three times and four Roman emperors claiming the title of Persicus Maximus. Those wars were the Roman-Parthian War of 58-63 AD (with the Roman campaign led by the general Corbulo under emperor Nero), Trajan’s campaign into Parthia, the Roman-Parthian War of 161-166 AD under Roman emperor Lucius Verus (the co-emperor of Marcus Aurelius), the campaign of Roman emperor Septimius Severus in 195-197 AD, and finally the Parthian War of Caracalla in 216-217 AD.

Third, there was the Roman Empire against the Sassanids or Sasanians, successors to the Parthians. The Sassanids were very different to the Parthians in hostile character towards Rome – in the words of Youtuber Tominus Maximus, “Sassanid Persia was like Parthia…on cocaine and mixed with crystal meth”. Most famously, there were the Sassanid incursions deep into the Roman eastern provinces during the Crisis of the Third Century, after fighting between them during the reign of Roman emperor Severus Alexander.

However, the Romans subsequently defeated the Sassanids, sacking Ctesiphon a further two times in campaigns led by Roman emperors Carus in 283 AD and Galerius (with Diocletian holding his hand) in 298 AD. The latter was the most decisive Roman victory against the Sassanids, enduring for decades until hostilities resumed in the Perso-Roman Wars of 337-361 AD under Roman emperor Constantius III and the ill-fated expedition by Roman emperor Julian.

Surprisingly, the Sassanids mellowed in the fifth century, remaining mostly peaceful with the Roman Empire while the latter’s western half fell to barbarian invasions. In part that was due to the Sassanids facing off their own barbarian threats, but it was instrumental in the survival of the eastern Roman Empire. Which brings me to…

Fourth, there was the eastern Roman or Byzantine Empire against the Sassanids or Sasanians. While the Persians were only peer state the Romans had as adversary, the classical empire had the advantage in population and resources, albeit that advantage was diluted by more far-flung commitments. After the fall of the western empire, the eastern empire and the Sassanids were much more closely matched.

Not surprisingly then, this saw the most dramatic and mobile phase of the Roman-Persian Wars from the preceding centuries of effective stalemate – with the Byzantine-Sassanid War of 602-628. First the Sassanids almost decisively defeated and conquered the eastern empire, even besieging Constantinople, but were then decisively defeated in turn by a near miraculous eastern Roman recovery under emperor Heraclius – albeit the eastern Roman empire was too weakened to exploit its victory other than regaining its lost territory and effectively restoring the status quo between them.

The ultimate futility of the Roman-Persian Wars came in their aftermath with the event that decisively ended them altogether – the Arab conquests, achieved in large part from both empires being so weakened fighting each other that they were unable to resist their new adversary, with one being completely conquered and the other barely surviving defeat as well as the loss of much of its former territory.

 

RATING: A-TIER (TOP TIER)

Top Tens – Comics: Top 10 Comics (Special Mention) (1) Mad Magazine

The literal face of Mad Magazine – Alfred E. Neumann – on the October 1982 magazine cover parodying Time Magazine’s Man of the Year

 

 

(1) MAD (1952 – PRESENT)

 

What, me worry?

Ah – Alfred E. Neuman with his iconic gap tooth grin and catchphrase as Mad Magazine’s fictional mascot and cover boy. According to Wikipedia, he actually preceded Mad as a visual image in advertisements and a presidential campaign postcard for Roosevelt, although the magazine named him and converted his original appearance as an idiotic figure to a more mischievous devil-may-care trickster – “someone who can maintain a sense of humor while the world is collapsing around him”. Amusingly – given his origins from a presidential campaign postcard – Mad Magazine has proffered him periodically as a joke presidential candidate from 1956 onwards with the slogan “You could do a lot worse…and always have!”

I was raised on Mad. Indeed, it was hereditary – I inherited it from my mother, who had classic collections of Mad from when she was a teenager and passed them on to me when I was a teenager. (I’m not too sure her parents – my grandparents – were impressed by this subversive publication – they were pretty straightlaced). And it has been a huge influence on my sense of humor and worldview ever since, mirroring its wider influence on parody and satire in popular culture. If you want to understand me, know that Mad Magazine is etched deep within my psyche (paired with Catch-22 and as part of an eclectic kaleidoscope with The Devil’s Dictionary and TV Tropes):

 

The film and television parodies – particularly as drawn by Mort Drucker, possibly the finest caricaturist ever (sadly passed away on 9 April 2020).

Spy vs Spy! Featuring the titular literal black and white Cold War-eque spies (drawn as, ah, bird-like people things?) outwitting each other with traps within traps

Don Martin – Mad’s Maddest Artist! And his recurring Fonebone character!

Dan Berg and his “The Lighter Side of” slice of life cartoons!

Sergio Aragones – with his “A Mad Look At’ recurring features and his marginal doodles (or “Drawn Out Dramas”)!

The classic Mad Fold-Ins!

 

And so on. Nothing was sacred for Mad’s subversive satire and sense of humor – sacred cows make the best hamburger – “Mad’s satiric net was cast wide. The magazine often featured parodies of ongoing American culture, including advertising campaigns, the nuclear family, the media, big business, education and publishing. In the 1960s and beyond, it satirized such burgeoning topics as the sexual revolution, hippies, the generation gap, psychoanalysis, gun politics, pollution, the Vietnam War and recreational drug use”.

Robert Boyd from the Los Angeles Times summed up Mad Magazine for me as well as himself and other fans, with the apt line “All I really need to know I learned from Mad magazine” – “Plenty of it went right over my head, of course, but that’s part of what made it attractive and valuable. Things that go over your head can make you raise your head a little higher. The magazine instilled in me a habit of mind, a way of thinking about a world rife with false fronts, small print, deceptive ads, booby traps, treacherous language, double standards, half truths, subliminal pitches and product placements; it warned me that I was often merely the target of people who claimed to be my friend; it prompted me to mistrust authority, to read between the lines, to take nothing at face value, to see patterns in the often shoddy construction of movies and TV shows; and it got me to think critically in a way that few actual humans charged with my care ever bothered to.”

And it forever tainted the way I view films and television – much as it did critic Roger Ebert:

“I learned to be a movie critic by reading Mad magazine … Mad’s parodies made me aware of the machine inside the skin—of the way a movie might look original on the outside, while inside it was just recycling the same old dumb formulas. I did not read the magazine, I plundered it for clues to the universe”.

 

RATING: 5 STARS*****

S-TIER (GOD-TIER)

Top Tens – History: Top 10 Types of War (Special Mention) (8) Logistics & Supply

U.S. supply convoy in Afghanistan photographed by Spc. Donald J. McMullen (public domain image – Wikipedia “Military Logistics”)

 

 

(8) LOGISTICS & SUPPLY

 

“Amateurs talk tactics, professionals talk logistics”.

A quotation variously attributed to different military commanders, usually WW2 US Army General Omar Bradley although the definitive verifiable record of such a statement was by US Marine Corps General Robert Barrow in 1980. In fairness, the US Marine Corps lives by logistics.

However, the truth of it remains – all wars, except for the most prehistoric warfare, are wars of logistics and supply. And the only reason the most prehistoric warfare is an exception, despite prehistoric warriors needing food and water like everyone else, is that the whole nature of prehistoric warfare is that it did not keep warriors in the field for any appreciable length of time, hence they were essentially self-supplying, carrying or providing for themselves what little they needed for short periods of time.

“An army marches on its stomach”

Logistics and supply are the lifeblood of military forces in the field (or at sea or in the air) – the proverbial stomach on which armies march, including at the literal or most basic level of being fed, or the proverbial tail of “tooth-to-tail ratio” as requirements of supply and support for combat forces. Needless to say, the tail tends to be longer than the tooth, particularly for modern military forces, but vividly represented by the wagon trains that followed after pre-modern armies, often longer than the army itself. Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is arguably most notable for the way it bemoans the running costs of armies.

That is not to say that logistics and supply or supply lines win wars of themselves, but they can certainly lose them – as can counter-logistics to deprive enemy forces of supplies or supply lines, such as the scorched earth strategy famed for that purpose.

“Logistics is an enabler of military operations, not an end in itself. Poor logistics can result in defeat, but even the best logistics cannot guarantee victory. Conversely, the best possible logistics is not always required: fit for purpose can suffice.”

There are three basic means of supply – obtaining supplies in the field, carrying supplies with the army, and shipping supplies from the rear. While the first two are essentially self-supplying to some degree, they still often involved prodigious costs and organization, particularly as only so much of what an army needs can be reliably obtained in the field. The Roman Empire’s most impressive military achievements were perhaps not so much in combat but in its systematic logistics and supply, as represented by its road.

“Obtaining supplies in the field and carrying supplies with the army remained the primary means of supply until the 19th century…Starting with the Industrial Revolution, new technological, technical and administrative advances permitted supplies to be transported at speeds and over distances never before possible. At the same time, increased demands for ammunition, and the heavier weight of shells and bombs made it more difficult for armies to carry their requirements, and they soon became dependent on regular replenishment of ammunition from depots. Mechanisation, with motor vehicles replacing animals, created a demand for fuel and spare parts, neither of which could be obtained locally. This led to a “logistical revolution” which began in the 20th century and drastically improved the capabilities of modern armies while making them highly dependent on this method.”

 

RATING: S-TIER (GOD TIER)

Top Tens – Top 10 Horror Films (2026 New Entry) (10) Obsession

 

I mean, come on, what else was I going to use but that iconic frown from the film, which has become a meme reproduced throughout the internet (fair use)

 

 

(10) OBSESSION (2026) – thought I’d better post an individual entry for it, not just my revised Top 10 Horror Films for 2026!

 

“I love you so, so, so, so, so much. I don’t think I could live without you.”

And oh boy, does she show us just how much. The film that gave us the meme of that girl’s epic full-faced frown (although I’d seen the same expression from my ex-wife from a similar place of hot slice of crazy).

Easily ranking in my wildcard tenth place as best horror film of 2026 – indeed it was close call for best film but Project Hail Mary just pips it at the post – and one that will almost certainly rise much higher up my top ten instead of being swapped out for a new wildcard tenth place entry.

There’s not much more to be said about it without spoiling it so just see it. It’s a simple story with its monkey’s paw premise of a wish gone wrong. It’s the execution on a shoestring budget, reminiscent of Raimi’s debut Evil Dead film, that proves so effective – the simple effects among other things of using darkness and silhouettes, lighting on eyes, movement and so on – and the disturbing nature of its psychological horror on a number of levels.

The film owes much of its appeal in the stellar performance of its lead actress, Inde Navarette, and the character Nikki she conjures from the dark depths of the human psyche, similarly to how she is conjured by the wish of the film’s story. Although I share the view of Youtuber Toler Talks in his commentary on the film – “I mean, I know she’s a murderous psychopath and all but you still would, wouldn’t ya?” (I’m a sucker for a hot slice of crazy, hence the aforementioned ex-wife who was only slightly less obsessive than Nikki).

 

RATING:

X-TIER (WILD TIER)